Relearning how to be without you.
I sit here alone watching couples
Bask in each others company
It's more important now than ever
To be alone and comfortable
Even if it's unwillingly

you claim i put the demon inside you
but how could i accomplish
such a horrific feat
when I couldn't even string
a simple sentence together.
I cried in your arms for help
praised your beauty, intelligence, determination
gave all of it to you, Ryan
lost myself trying to fix you
I made myself less to fit you
sat there while you told me
i was less than I am
because arguing was impossible
I forgave you for things
i never should have
i apologized for things
i never should have

****, you're right
I loved you so much,
I let you become
a monster

Alone
I lay on this concrete slab
The sun is burning my skin
But I just turn the music up
And light another red
There is some grass
But I punish myself over here
I light another red and
Drift away

i just saw you fall out of love with me
there.. i saw it
in your eyes
just now
one minute you were talking
and you breathed in
and then you breathed me out
you breathed me out
you blinked
and when your eyes opened
i saw that little spark that kept me so warm
had died
it was gone
and you laughed still
pretending you didn't feel it too
but i know you felt it
that silent hurricane
you laughed
but there was no song
i heard nothing
where there was once a symphony
lay just sheets of music
and in that very moment
the record crackled to a finish
you carefully lifted the needle
and our song was over

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I get out of our bed. I walk across the rug we bought together to wash off my face. You are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I throw on the same clothes I wore yesterday, and go back to the mirror. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t hate yourself. Don’t cry. Don’t cry. It’s too late. Oh ****! It’s too late! I’ve missed my class..again.
You can do this. You can do this.
I walk back across the red rug
you preferred over the tan
and I think about how much
I’ve always hated red…

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. I go back to my closet and try to find suitable clothes for work, but nothing seems to look or feel right. Thoughts of our last conversation flood my mind. “I don’t want you any more” you said. 9 months..a wedding date..your niece who doesn’t like anyone who constantly asks about me and my nose jewelry..my grandma who still keeps our family Christmas picture on the fridge because you’re in it..everyone who keeps saying oh, there’s no way it's over. You’ll get back together…you are beautiful. You are important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.
I walk out the door feeling
completely worthless.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t hate yourself.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
You’re almost to work!
Pull yourself together!

I can do this. I can do this. I chant these words over and over in my head. I can do this. I don’t need him. I don’t need him. I can do this. Smile at the guests. Stop frowning so much. I am beautiful. I am important. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself. I clock out and remember I have no where to be, no one to see, nothing to do…I have nothing without you…Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I walk across the red carpet
back to our bed where I spend
the rest of the day shaking and crying…
I have nothing…I am nothing…
I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
Stop crying. I am beautiful. I am important.

I used to put our foreheads together just to feel our souls joyfully connect.
I’d stroke your eyebrows and your perfect cheek bones.
And your eyes. Your right one just droopier than the other
id kiss their lids, thanking them for their loving gaze.
I used to rub my fingers through your soft peachy hairs.
I’d give it a playful tug when it got a little longer and frizzy.
When we drove, I loved to stare at your beauty while I just rubbed your head, and thought about how perfect forever with you sounded.
I used to crawl into our bed after a long day with the blessing of being able to sleep next to you.
Naked, our bodies grew fonder and fonder of each other with each passing day.
I loved it when you would lay your worried head on my chest. Strong and independent, but still my babe, my love, my all of it.