Melodramatic.

Melodramatic,

Just because I’m in pretty lights doesn’t mean I have a pretty mind,

just imagine if I was socially better, imagine if I died,

melodramatic.

Melodramatic,

I stand on the stage but I live beneath the storm.

I am counteractive when I give my all,

melodramatic.

Melodramatic,

If I didn’t moan I would be bright but I didn’t ask him to bite,

it’s the nice “girls’” tactic,

melodramatic.

Melodramatic,

I’m losing my hair to a monster in a pink disguise

I’ve been dipping it in drink and ****** thighs,

melodramatic.

Melodramatic,

Sorry I’m not intelligent; sorry I’m not a woman

sorry I’m not quiet; sorry I’m not a man.

Melodramatic.

Her heart rumbles
I could take her out for dinner
Same thing, same flavours
I’m in her taste buds
Licking her stains clean
Sipping lemonade, nibbling her skin’s pain
We’re feeding like vampires
Junkies, cannibals.

Her curves are mûrren
My chest burns at her slopes
The quiet drops
Of eyes, lights, breaths, death, heart, art
Fresh water fountains, her goldfish tongue
Coursing down my throat
Lucerne lift forever, grey hair together
Until the last rain of her beloved fall.

My dear, dear Karen,
only selfishly appreciated
and gorgeously barren.
This is my ode to you,
the angel i awaited
in the daydream we live in
with dahlia hearts
and the everlasting blue.

I used to love my house and the welcome smell
it seems I fell head first into a cosy well.
The wine drunk hello’s to anecdotes
we’d tell
when I told you I fell, I fell onto the shells.

I’d forgotten I was living with strangers
a musician, a dancer, a model and a painter.
The one who kept plants, I really liked her
until her sun crisp face got fainter and fainter.

If we’d met somewhere else we would’ve been friends
It was too soon to share my rainy split ends.
The walls were venus traps, days began to blend
my pretending was too strong to ever make amends.

If I had to live without you
there would only be blue light
crowding my space
where you should be like
downcast stars
and manifesting scars.
only a way out for us would be
my salvation.

Narcissism reached its peak
Years of climbing
Dodging rocks
It's at the age I should've understood
But your empathy's in stasis
If you didn't wanna pay, you shouldn't have had a kid, man
So sorry for existing,
For eating you out of pocket
Wrecking my voice,
Crying too easily
The narcissism goes on
The light of gas is strong 
And I'm running out of breath
I'm really running out of breath.

Flying eleven hours,
Checking in with just yourself.
Finding webs up the walls,
Face to face with strangers.
Surely it doesn't compare to me
Someone you've known for mere days but still, just me.
Lopsided view, eyes only for you.
When they work,
they work to watch the crepuscule
I wait for just to get as nervous.
God I was almost up to my ears in sickness the first time you suggested we call.
Who would I be to do the same to you?

By ignoring death
I'll immortalise myself
And those nearing the polar opposite of what I want
For my never ending world.

Battle scars will be healed
With principals spanning from
I want you to be at peace
And why should we die
We weren't born for blackness.

Even if I accept it
I don't want it
I think I just realised why I hate escape rooms because this one doesn't have an exit door.

By ignoring death
I'll immortalise life
As if we won't blow up in a billion years, even reincarnation
It won't soften the carnage.

I wrote a poem about my body,
it's everseeking refuge in me.
No harm has come to pass,
there was a time i ached for that
and in a way I still do.
I'm always thinking of you.

I need something to believe
that aren’t my own odes
and ideas that are like snails
not reaching the end.
The alignment of your thoughts
make me feel wiser,
pick me your clementines
and primrose, pink stargazers.
You call it lunacy,
there’s a luminosity to you;
I want you to give it to me
and I think you do
when I’m talking with you.

Once I killed a butterfly.
It was white like lace I could
see through every line
of the hand I trapped it in.
And to here, I sit and wonder
if that is the movement
that made my life so unsolvable.
So little, so monstrous
and not like lace myself at all.

It was supposed to be beautiful,
Change my life forever.
I was to have a new outlook,
A fresh perspective on keeping myself alive.
But I’m still cocooned, still too afraid
I can’t even do what I love.
I love it more than anything in the world
So one day I will.
I will.
I will, I will, I will.

The steel city shines bright sometimes
Only when I dream of seeing you there
I won't, I won't, I won't, I won't
There's no money, no heart around this tunnel's lines
I can't keep you secretly
In my room like it's a snow globe
We're the pellets, the flakes that fade under feet
And yet we're so lucky to have pulses that fleet
Until we finish the call
When we wake from the future we should have
If the world was normal and rules weren't made up
By men channeling the steel
I wish that our life was real

With red raw eyes,
i’m not crying
in some pretty orange
hue that i look
baby in.
I’m figuring out
how to hide my wrists
and how i can resist
joining you
again.

I wanted 11:11
But I think that's feeling too much
You're not my constellation
You're pretty cool
Just not my psychedelic cluster.

I'd sacrifice everything for you
And if people talk ****
I'll back you up in a half assed heartbeat, there's nights for us everywhere but not in shining armour.

Russet roulette
Parked in your Cadillac
On speaker with the guys, I love you all like brothers, high fived not by blood but by pact.

Tube lines
Nostalgia at the junction

Tears ***** my eyes
Terrify them

In the arcade
In the deep cuts of my brain

I’ve been here before
As a punk, a skinhead, an NPC

A lost song, paranormal cartoon
I put their headphones on

Right to wherever I danced with them
Right to wherever I died with them

People aren't zombies
We know what you're up to
Burning your own aeroplanes
And we get the blame
Very pretentious, extremely smart
You wouldn't start a riot
Just handshake after handshake
Deliberating on whether peace is fundamental enough
Emergency alarms
Trans kids dying in the parts of town you refuse to show on telly
Just reported, people are zombies
It's the global warming after party
No Mars, no spaceships
Total apocalypse
You know who's to blame?
******* politic zombies.

I desperately crave to be perfect.
Don't even want to grab it, hold it
I just want to have it
But some people don't possess it
And I'm one of those people.
Pathetically dreaming.
Pacing from this failure to the next.
Well maybe everybody else's flaw is that this is what they believe of me.
They don't have the courage to see I will find my way eventually.

My phantom mother
isn’t scary at all.
She lessens the fight,
bewitches light.
There’s so many things
I wish I could say
as we lay in our hurt
and every time she leaves
this earth
I hold myself
pretending that it’s her.

Phosephenes in daylight
confuse me to the point of no return,
I don't know what it takes
to love another person.
My friend got an invite to a party
but the doppelgängers didn't let me in.
Forget the effleurage,
from now on I'll look after myself.
They're sending out carnations,
I felt a pinch from the other side.
The leaving me mantra begins,
would I still be a burden if I died?
Selcouth childhood,
I don't want to be a bother.
I've been keeping secrets,
even from my chosen mother.
I'm on the usual night shift,
black shadows elevate and I'm gone.
An actress with a new role,
I stand there while they poke their fun.
Rage stays hidden,
various unhealthy patterns
invade my bloodstream.
Then bats and devils part their ways
to aggravate my self esteem.

A cheek for eating
Pink snake slithers up my throat
Pushes out the remains
I go twenty levels up
before crashing back down
Is this what you want for me?

Tears upon years old stained tears
Intertwined with future
A feature I’m sure I’ll encounter
Once feeling comfortable in my skin
A territory so consumed by me
You can’t push past reasoning.

Bejewelled in time and space, surrounded by stars
That have sprinkled the sky with questions and reasoning.

Sitting on the moon trying to remember things
And recollect memories that have dissolved into alien dust.

Eyes as wide as the universe and ears as open as the sea
But if we have a conversation, I'm sorry if I don't take it in.

And if the words fly over my head like meteors,
don’t tell me my corrupted spaceship is too lost in your wavelength.

The aqua lines are troubling, burning lasers that zap my
entire kingdom to tiny particles. It’s a supernova of forgetfulness, don’t you remember?

Wandering aimlessly across the core of the earth,
I feel like a drunken chemical gas,
Spinning around on gravity drugs,
Joining hands with life from another dimension.

Floating around, I'm the human form of Pluto.
A planet too small and insignificant to be seen or heard of.

I wonder where her spirit went
After being killed by the man she loved.
Always men: greedy
Yet remembered in history and literature
That I have to depict
Not once but twice with another man
Who said I wouldn’t like the woman who was literally beat and cheated on by her husband if she’d been alive
To see me dance to Portrait of a dead girl.

I’d like to think she’d realised
The poor traits of the man she’d shoved
Time and time again into beautiful paintings
Because that’s all they were:
Just a likeness of a person who should’ve protected her, not poisoned her
And showed her off to the spectators of the crime, guzzling wine
Becoming a permanent portrait in my mind.
I hope she’s having an amazing time.

“Is this artsy or slutty?” I asked, knowing full well I want to be neither
Manspreading on the stairs
Instinctively commenting on it
Taking up a girlier posture before giving into the fragility of being a sapphic salutation.

Funny how I was sent wavelengths
To sit in a certain way by a pretty clairvoyant, her eyes on a voyage
“It doesn’t mean anything” I thought
Until the angel numbers struck
The freeness coming undone.

When I was young, I set eyes
on a bike, tough as a killing moon.
It’s trinket muscles,
Onyx like panthers, it hexed me,
Garbed me in leather
And waltzed me through
the quixotic night.

Nothing ever came
of the puma pack and I.
A beckoned fly, a pixie’s sigh,
I probably fit in the bearded mans pocket but
Now still a Bengal, I will push my luck with a tiger’s bite.

I run my face under the tap
It’s not very graceful but it’s money
This birthing myself for men
Dissociating out of a mythical dream
Just so I can dream some more
Is it true I was born for them?

I wish it was easy enough to believe this
Take my place as ******* girl
Poster girl, poser girl
Putrid girl would be right
The dream being much bigger
Than what I see night after pulverising night.

Fear of holes, fear of spiders
But a fear of fire when you watched your uncles bed fireworks
Blades on the brick, waiting for the petrol rainbow.
You burnt your thumb on a sparkler, burned your whole self down
And the blisters still rein-act ash
But you entertain it like snow
So why let beauty bother you?

Now the cats inside
We're throwing sticks in the fuse, throwing up graves
Trudging through the forest to please the arsonist in me.
Hack at the fear, naw at peppers in the most vanilla way
It's never as bad as you blazed it up to be, scorched brave skin
So don't let beauty bother you.

Everything is circles,
I sit here for nothing.
Someone waved at me on a bus,
Maybe it’s you.
But anyone can be a shadow.
Didn’t realise I was near Leicester Square
Everything’s connected
Like veins, like bones in blood
I definitely feel lost in blood.
Concentrating on the unnamed protagonist’s year of relaxation -
How can you be in New York and just want to sleep?
I guess I get it, I’ve felt similar in London
But somehow I always end up dazed tying my laces, out too early or too late
In a trance on the tube.
Chatted up by guys who I say I have a smile of 1000 stars, who add me as
“Professional reader” in their phones.
I would’ve gone to Camden with the last one if I wasn’t waiting for you.
If I didn’t enjoy looking at pigeons,
The back pain, embarrassment.
Not caring how it goes,
I’d probably do it again, just be smarter.
Just like with life, my raven night.

Clack clack clack;
She marched like a renegade,
Parting her lips with
a promiscuous smack.
denim sleeves upright,
Signs in the air;
Afraid of men and allowed
To speak highly of feminism -
Somehow.

She rallied her army
To prepare for attack:
No wallflowers, all pretty,
But they do not 
matter. They never did.
She was a queen of
roses, cut off their petals.
I was a sunflower but
I liked her nastiness.

Red lipstick and the cruel
slam of brunette curls,
I saw an insecure shadow
painted in crimson
perusing closely behind.
As our eyes passed,
the red lipstick smudged;
became tainted like it
had all just been a vision.
Somehow.

Restless heart,
Why bleat when you'll be full soon?
A simple breathing exercise
Turned panic attack, you can't decide, why?

You'll be laughing
Tripping over drains, pebbles
With a friend who covered a vast distance for you
Isn't that healing?

Nagged to leave
But there's a part of pain you'll always keep
With no eyes you're ******
Though in the rush there's luck

There's a restless heart
That pleads with me to let it be full
And I can't promise it
But believe me, I'll try.
These Sunday eyes I'll vow to dry.

Countless nights I've stayed up
When I could be at the back of a taxi, a club, a friends house
I'm in bed waiting for you to say you want to hear my voice
That you're not just stringing me along but unfortunately I'm prone to it
It's almost like I'm asking to be forgotten about so I can wallow
And the sad thing is is that I fell for you like I fell for the others
Quickly, dangerously yet comfortably
That's just the impression you gave when you said you liked me
You wanted to get to know me better
You wanted to know how I react to sorry, to empty promises
So you know you can do it again when I leave and inevitably return.

I'd run across rivers, dodging the water beneath my feet
With a strength only women know when they're in love, including me
I want to knock on your door
See you surprised and fall to the floor, it's not too far away
If we don't think too much
We won't reach into our pockets and say that's enough
It's all done because nothing is shining, I wonder, does it ever?
Let's run across rivers...

A sad fever takes a hold of me.
I know I can't be sad forever
but i'm a survivor and if it means
wrecking myself then so be it.
I don't want to be tough
but my fists are deep azure
and star bound as they punch down
every wall I created.
It's been a hostile few years and
what you don't understand
is that I can't be my vibrant self anymore.
Not for you or anyone.
I just want to be left alone.
I don't want to be alone.

I’m pulling away
like a ripple in the sea
slowly disperses.
I’m missing so much,
there’s not much of a future here
except for with her.
The deadlines are heavy
but so is my heart
and I need to sail away.

A hotel on the south border of the most magical place on earth.
It was the night my life turned upside down,
The submarine lights’ Venus eyes burning me into the ground.

Hot and bothered,
We dipped our feet into the water,
A fire pit of we’re exhausted but at least it isn’t home.
The wild Wild West is oasis when you mark the territory as your own.

I was too young to see the potential
But as vesta burned France
And I combusted back in England
I wanted to go back
to the anti-torrential
as my world turned to black.

There was no fire escape
And that fact is marvellous.
Maybe I can be re-tamed with werewolf eyes and a red mane -
Just let it be beautiful
And I’ll return to the blazing sun.

I was asleep
then the world was ending in the shape of a figurehead.
She was a dream sequence -
A tradition, a hope, a robin on Christmas Day...
Often came for tea and now these clouds and double rainbows,
They all must be signs.

But robins rob.
Feathers of hazel are making room in heaven for a heathen
One who hoarded Africa and befriended the axes who cut it apart for treasure.
Wedlock with her cousin was all orchids so long as the children weren't dud buds.

I remind myself to have humility
Then the world is fighting over a billion pound bet.
She is in her casket asleep -
A shiver, a starve, a million with her by Christmas Day...
Often came for tea and now these clouds and double rainbows,
Though I still question why.

For seventeen birthdays,
fake tears in the bedroom.
Soaked pillows covered by
Scented candles in the living room.
Emotional piano over sounds
little girls shouldn’t have to hear.

For seventeen birthdays,
secret crying showers.
Leftover cake, feeling sorry.
bathroom blood, guilty of a crime.
writing slam poems about mum,
right under her nose.

For seventeen birthdays,
Sweet money. Lies to keep quiet.
Cracks in gulps of *****,
wall punches, hospital trips.
Homeless over a holding hand.
Hopeless. Looking for a mother.

Sharing the bed doesn't seem so bad if I woke up next to you.

Freshly showered, crisp sheets or pre rolled around in

I'd get as close to you as humanly possible, use you as the cover.

Shiver once you lay flat on your back, dreams projecting upwards.

Despite saying I'd move to the settee, I'd stay right here

Intertwining our shoulder blades, breathing in your sweat

as nighttime karate begins.
The lack of oxygen is recovered

When your eyes flutter open; catching mine that remain closed.

I can only share the bed if I'm in love. And love is the sleep you've given me.

If I take a hold of my corruption,
like the sun it will go down in the evening
or dry out like cinnamon,
as flat as Philodendrons in the scenery.

I’m a shark about to bite,
but i’m taking in my surroundings
and burgundy flags come to belittle me,
they’re people with only grounding.

I lurk on the surface;
a two headed monster.
Though I hold one eye open
it’s hard to depict
who is true, who is of use.
Whether they are using me
or are useful to see
how it will go down when
I find a similar fish.

I’m the childhood friend
who you’ll never speak to again
and the time waster on
really really slow afternoons.
Six months down the line
and we’re still postponed, why?

Life has been one slow afternoon
and you still ask "why"?
when I tell you how lonely I am.
I would be happy for you
for getting your ******* together.
Not at the expense of leaving me behind.

...why?

Life is being ****** out of me.
I can feel it as my lungs become
too heavy for me to hold and
my heart gets slower and slower.
My mouth turns to a dry cave,
A desolate place which my stomach hates.
No warmth can coax my fingers
To curl around any little mug.
They’ve lost all hope of ever
being so cosy again as I keep
Walking down this endless street.
Though my steps are getting
Slower and slower and slower.
Every largening crack in my spine
Tingle when I lay on a hard surface.
I wonder why I do this to myself.
Then I remember and force a
smile so ****** convincing that I
unknowingly manipulate myself.
I breathe in as to stop the dizzy spell,
the light goes dimmed, i stumble.
"Are you okay?" They seem to ask.
I will be okay. I’m always okay.
But the seconds it takes to get back
on my feet are getting slower
and slower and slower.

Snowflakes

The snowflakes are here again.
As dazzling as they are,
They stampede like wilderbeests
Pests for control
And I make no attempt to stop them.

To be tucked away somewhere
In the crevice of the living
Would be the suicide I wouldn’t want to carry on from.
Amongst my own kind, at last I can breathe.

Out on hikes with blood bags
As spindly as drips are
I am weighty but they carry me to little thanks, if any
Deal with my complaining, I said I didn’t want to live.

Somehow I will if I can show you how I struggled
Sympathy would be my asset though it’s been a long time coming
And I’m not sure I can cope anymore.

Little spats here and there
That's all they are
But each one leaves a scar
Or so I fear.
Duplicating rapidly
Outweighing the incredible
Songs, galleries, snow globes shared together
I'm scared you'll get bored of my grouchiness
Like I say, it's not you
It's the ache I'm suffering through.

Cold feet in the lamplight,
wooden floor, cat prints.
Cola stained teeth scrape
to the bottom of the gin glass.
The taste of alcohol is too sickly.

Creature of the night,
blankets, locks on the door.
Crumbs on a plate start
to look like the content faces of
people who are never lonely.

Somebody give me a spine.
I need support for my head
and all of its rocks
that are no longer stars.
It doesn’t know what friends are
and so became unlit
like pebbles from another time.
I can’t think straight,
surely I’m a useless case.
I’m dissociative.
Where can my spine be?

Sometimes I feel like Esma.
How she hugs the air,
It’s caftan arms somehow
hugging her back.
There’s a safe sentiment to it.
You rely on the sun
the way that she relies on Novalie,
she isn’t there yet Esma
isn’t as alone as they all think.
And sometimes she leaks
into my window with the streaks
of light that remind me
I’m still alive.

Pixels building
I'm spinning around
All over the show
I'm just in the shower
Waiting for the spell to phase out
I'm seeing hydroponic trees
Green and yellow like the beaches of Palm Springs
Life is the water in my feet
Cascading down canyons
It makes my heart fleet
Again I'm seeing colours
Summer is to suffer
So I'm just gonna float through the ******

Suddenly the subway isn’t imaginary

You’re starting to understand me.

I put your muted words in a safe place

One I won’t speak of to anyone else.

Even I don’t know where

As long as I never lose them.

I’ll keep dying my hair while you die for the music

And when the time comes, I’ll ask

Is this the feeling in which we’ve been searching?

I don’t even know your star sign. But sure.

You’ll reply.

You make me feel less alone

You keep me getting on the train.

Speeding back to argue with you

To put you in your place.

Say my name as a goodbye

After ghostly anecdotes.

Dumb analogy’s

That have me bringing my knees to my chin.

Hugging myself, imagining it’s you

But you’re not imaginary.

Space boy.

I got stamina when my legs grew cold
Frozen from the lakes that surrounded us
They needed a body to hold, wasn't ready for two
I don't want you, I don't want you, I don't want you
I don't need violins, don't need the gunfire
Not a sine or a designated driver
I'm staring at the bottom of that
Standing a million miles away
A million years too captive in late
Too elastic for it to be okay.