It's funny how,
At the greatest point in my life,
I wish for the taste of,
Gunpowder, steel and my blood on my lips.

We could sit around,
Like any Friday night,
Making empty promises,
Of staying around this time.

But I stopped drinking,
When the scotch started,
To taste like you.

But you were so seductive,
When you touched your lip to mine,
And asked me if I wanted,
One more drink before the war.

So I started drinking,
And I tasted you on my skin,
While you held me tightly,
And slowly let me in.

I bounced around your rib cage,
And you held tightly to my heart.
I must have said the wrong things,
Because soon you were gone.

I should have stopped drinking,
Long before the scotch,
Began to taste like you.

But you were so insistent,
And you know I can't deny,
Any of your pleasures,
On any Friday night.

I could say I knew what life was,
Before I felt my time slipping away.
But now that you're so far gone,
It seems it's just a memory.

An hour's drive,
And each time,
He answers the door instead of you.

An hour's drive,
And each time,
He says so much more than you.

So why go outside,
Go anywhere at all,
If every time I leave,
I think of you.

And why would I write,
When every time I do,
I write about nothing,
If I do not ******* write about you.

I remember how,
Your lips tasted the first time.
And how your tongue ran,
Across my teeth, begging to get in.

I remember how,
Your hips felt like Heaven beneath my fingers,
And how your fingers,
Wrapped in my hair.

I remember how sweet my words felt,
As I love you slid from my tongue.
And how you smiled,
And whispered it back to me so sincerely.

I remember how it felt,
When I first saw you cry.
And how broken you looked,
When I started too.

Now I hate that you're leaving,
And I've got to find my way.
But chances are that can't happen,
No matter what we say.

So I guess I'll have to travel,
Leave this world behind.
And hope that I'll still have you,
When there's little hope to find.

I'll compare you to the full moon,
That pulls and pushes the tides.
You are the rain that quenches thirst,
Of a million lavender poppies.
And how I'd like to taste,
The sweet smoke of excess,
That burns behind your lips.
To taste the flowers kindly,
I'll dream of pods and petals tonight.

Oh I want you over and over again,
We are young,
We are alive.
This is another night,
Another night we are together in our minds.
And our hearts are entwined,
We are young,
And I am alive,
Because you are mine.
All because you are mine.

Girl I'll show you my nightmare,
My shattered dreams end without you,
And yet I'm still alive.

Girl I'll show you a nightmare,
A world where you don't care,
Where your heart was never mine,
Where we're lost again in time.

And Girl I'll show you a dream,
Where your heart is mine.
And my life begins with you,
Time after time.

A single flower,
In a harvest moon.
So beautiful,
Yet so Alone.
Surrounded by many,
Yet so fine.
If I pick her,
Might she be mine?

I can feel my addiction,
Begin to eat away at reality,
As I try to sleep away the night,
Knowing I'm copping at 8 am.

I know a needle in my arm,
Isn't the same as happiness,
But I don't know how to sleep at night,
Unless I'm heavily medicated.

I'm swimming in an ocean of blood,
Mixed with the ever present ******,
Or is it morphine this time?

I've been swimming for so long,
But I've never seen the shore.
And I can feel my tourniquet,
Tied to my wrist like an anchor.

Maybe I'll dose a little too much,
And spare myself the agony of detox.
But ****, mom would die,
If I didn't make it home.

I guess it wouldn't matter,
I'd have that dark abyss.
But there's one thing I know,
It's certainly ****** I'd miss.

Darling I can tell you haven't slept,
Much since that last cup of tea.
I remember you saying it burnt like tequila,
And now I know why.

Darling I see the scars you cut,
In the space between your heart and your soul.
I know how it hurts,
To have them separated so.

But darling I can't help with your wounds,
I know so little of how to heal,
Self made wounds, though I have one to match,
I didn't make the incision, though I held the knife.

Darling you cut me so deep,
I think I lost my soul.
But sadly I still have my heart,
Scarred from the incision you made.

I pray to God,
That if I died right now,
The devil wouldn't find me,
Until I'm on holy ground.

I pray I'd pass,
Through those pearly gates,
Before they realize,
They made a horrid mistake.

I hope they won't,
Smell all of my sin on me,
That there's an error in the books,
And they just let me be.

Maybe I'd see your face,
And hold you for a while,
Before they learn that,
I am the worst of liars.

Maybe I'll have a few moments,
Where we are one again,
Before I face an eternity,
Of pain and suffering.

I remember sitting in my room,
My computer screen the only light.
I smiled as I read a joke across the screen,
And didn't really quite know how to respond.

I remember my locker,
So unkempt in seventh grade.
I remember my notebooks,
Filled with notes from class.

I remember how I hated drugs,
And smoking,
And every other bad thing,
That came from the memory of you.

I remember how innocent I was,
And how you laughed at me.

I remember how I never grew sad,
Just because a person so perfect could exist.

And I remember the light in my heart,
The drive I had inside.
And How I always had a smile,
I never had to hide.

Bring me back to the days,
When I could pop a pill,
And feel alright.

Bring me back to the,
Good ol' days when,
****** was real.

Bring me back that rush,
That feeling that God,
Had laid his hands on me.

Bring me back to times,
When I could hide behind,
A needle and a few bags.

Though life is far better,
I miss it like a drunk,
Misses his seat at the bar.

I don't believe in the saying,
If you love them let them go,
I'm going to sink my teeth in,
To the hollow of your throat.

I cannot live with the darkness,
That permeates everything around me,
When I cannot call you mine,
This time around.

But darling, I'm so afraid of happiness,
I'm terrified that you'll leave,
It seems I know only how to be miserable,
But you've always been what I need.

I could never let you go now,
I could never let you leave,
Now that I've found my taste girl,
You're exactly what I need.

Holy Father forgive me,
For I am soon to sin.
I close my eyes,
And let the darkness in.

My demons speak in whispers,
They hunger for so much blood.
They chatter along softly,
Whispering words I never understood.

They sit upon my shoulders,
Now there's no angel there.
They speak in dark parables,
And whisper darkness in my ear.

I found his bedroom door shut,
And quickly made my way in,
My demons led the way out,
Mere moments after my most mortal sin.

His blood feeds my demons,
And covers me from head to toe.
I feel the darkness closing in on me,
Closing in so slow.

Holy Father forgive my sins,
And cleanse this darkened soul,
For I may never enter the gates of Heaven,
With these blood soaked clothes.

Here's to hoping for another night,
Spent alone, I'm not alright.
This sedation feeds me another pill,
When will my brain have it's fill?

Another *****,
And it's joyous gains.
Pull back,
And watch blood taint,
The liquid gold inside my heart,
I wish i could close my eyes,
And just depart.

It's in my veins, my heart, my brain,
Another rush to make me insane.
But i close my eyes and go to sleep,
In hope that death will finally keep.

Should i wake through the night,
Darling tell me everything is alright.
Hand me my rig, my spoon and cotton,
So I can remember what I've forgotten.

I was taught at a young age,
To watch what bridges I burn.
But something daddy didn't know,
Was that creating them can be just as destructive,
As setting them aflame.

Can you hear the truth behind my lies,
When i say that I'm just fine.
Is it time,
For us to say our goodbyes?

Can you hear my whispers,
When you're afraid of the dark?
I love you lady,
Take that to heart.

We tried too hard,
Failed before our time,
Your words leave me,
With another white line.

I love you lady,
Misery is your name,
In the darkest reaches of my heart,
You found your fame.

Leave me here,
Just say goodbye,
I watched you leave,
And felt a piece of me die.

Tell me all the thoughts you have,
When you can't fall asleep at night,
Could you tell me that you love me,
That everything will be alright?

I'd Love to hear what you dream of,
When you're too drunk to stay awake,
Do you dream of your hands in mine,
Or of goodnight kisses when we've both stayed up too late?

Let me hear your whispers,
In the darkness of your room,
Let me crawl into your bed,
And make your blankets our tomb.

Let me hold you through your nightmares,
Let me kiss away your fears.
Let me love you through the good and bad,
Let me just make you mine my dear.

There were old pictures,
In a box with my effects,
From a time just before,
Society made me pay my debts.

I was gone for years,
Haunted by dreams of your lips,
And the memory of,
These felonious hands upon your hips.

Oh I never thought that,
The ***** pictures you sent,
Could bring back a heart,
So broken and bent.

Flaming hair from a bottle,
Your soul from the same,
But in the end can I really,
Be the only one to blame?

I don't know if I lost you,
Or if I loved you before,
But my heart beats in wonder,
If your heart still needs more.

I saw you today,
No makeup, a lovely photograph.
Your voice rang bells through my head,
And kick--started my heart.
(Tell me darling, everything will be alright.)

I thought I needed you again,
Just another fix my friend.
Like a needle to my vein,
You shot sunlight to my heart.

Now I've come down again,
And you're nowhere to be seen.
And I'm strung out,
Like a ****** in a new town.

We had lunch,
Two friends and him again,
Company I wouldn't keep,
If I could swallow you like a pill.

Muddy brown,
Eyes like a fresh filled syringe.
And now that I've had you,
I've restarted my binge.

And angels taste like morphine,
Like the salt formed on your lips.
The peak brings pleasure,
I know I shouldn't miss.

But days go by,
And sober thoughts turn to suicide,
I just cut another line,
To make my depression hide.

Higher than before,
Kissed her lips and wanted more.
I fell farther than I thought,
Into a hole I'll never leave.

But another *****,
And that rush it brings,
Takes away the pain,
Of you and all your things.

My God girl you had me talking,
For fifteen odd hours,
About anything and everything,
Well into the night.

That's an hour for each month I was away,
Fifteen hours to catch up,
On all the things I wanted,
To say to you.

I didn't get it all out,
I know you wouldn't let me say,
I still love you,
But it was surely implied.

I know you fought sleep all night,
To tell me in jaded words,
That I'm still bouncing around,
In your ribcage.

I know there's still a spark,
Even after so long apart,
And that you feel the need to be held,
As you drift off to sleep.

I promise I can fight off all your demons,
With my warm embrace,
And maybe a kiss or two,
If only you'll let me try.

I know you implied that someone,
You surely need by your side,
To fight the darkness once again,
Will always be me.

And I know I said I'm sorry,
About a thousand ******* times,
But I'll say it another,
Thousand ******* times.

When last we said goodnight,
I drifted off to fitful sleep,
Sorely missing our conversation,
And dreaming of you all night.

You see,
Depression is a funny thing.
The pain and suffering,
That only drowning can bring.

I've watch all my friends succumb,
To a pain I had never dreamed of,
Until I took a moment,
To feel what I had inside.

Then I began to believe,
That nothing hurts more.
It's like you're trapped in a burning building,
With flames covering the door.

And everyone around you,
Is breathing perfectly fine.
While you're drowning in the water,
Trying to push back the tide.

It's ten of eight,
And my mouth tastes of bad coffee,
And cigarettes.
When it should taste like you.

It's ten of eight,
And my mind is in the darkest dungeon,
Surrounded by demons.
When it should be filled with thoughts of you.

It's ten of eight,
And you're her and she's you,
except that's not how it really is,
And that's not who you really are.

It's ten of eight,
And I've been awake since five.
Knowing you've just closed your eyes,
Wrapped up in his arms.

It's eight o'clock now,
As I finish this piece,
Knowing it's you,
That I can't keep.

You asked me once to write you a story,
I tried, and I failed.
You asked me once to write you a song,
But I couldn't remember the good through the wrong.

I see shadows all around us,
Darkness personified.
So I sat to write you a poem,
And I can say I truly tried.

The darkness closes around me,
I cannot see the light.
I close my eyes to pray,
That all will be alright.

Sadly I see the darkness,
In your eyes.
And I hope it never comes,
When we are forced to goodbyes.

Can I stay in this moment,
Forever frozen in time,
Lost in the fantasy,
That you're still mine.

I'm sorry my darling,
I'm trying so hard not to cry,
As your arms wrap around me,
In the freezing cold night.

My fingers are grasping,
At the jacket on your back.
Your body is warm as you press into me,
And I whisper those words, oh I am so sorry.

We part after a moment,
And the seconds are gone,
Oh how I wish I could stay in your embrace,
Right where I belong.

Father, how do I begin,
To detail my life of sin.
How do I express my sorrow,
For atrocities I've committed.

I've stolen from my loved ones,
And took away her heart,
I've committed sins most grievous,
And I don't know where to start.

I was deeply entrenched in adultery,
With a powerful chemical love,
And I doubt a few hail Marys,
Will bring me forgiveness from above.

Perhaps a few our fathers,
And a sacrifice of my soul,
May give me the peace I'm searching for,
And finally make me whole.

Oh father, how do I say,
I've got ****** on my mind,
But should I pursue my desires,
There'll be no saving me in time.

Oh father how might I repent,
For sins against those loved by me.
Oh father how do I reach forgiveness,
With only a few hail Marys?

I watched the sun rise,
Without you.
I fell asleep,
In an empty bed.

I lust for your body when,
I lie alone late at night,
My mouth salivates at the thought,
Of your heavy taste.

I cannot say enough,
How hungry the symmetry of your hips,
Make me feel,
Or how beautiful you really are.

I nearly cried that night,
You told me you had died.
I mourned for a world,
That could have never known your presence again.

I must say that I would have surely,
Been driven by insatiable hunger,
And a darkness that would fill me inside,
To follow you into the great unknown.

For a world without my dearest,
Is a place I surely cannot be,
Nor would I find myself able,
To even find the strength to breathe.

There is no air around me,
I found myself locked in.
The light was shining brightly,
But now the room is dim.

No windows or holes to crawl through,
No help is coming for me.
I cannot breathe any longer,
I wonder how death will be?

The suit I wear protects me,
Keeps me breathing still.
But if I shed my clothing,
Will my lungs have their fill?

I cannot keep on questioning,
It is time to try it out.
So I shed my suit of armor,
And with it all my doubt.

The pressure is too much,
I am caving in.
As my lungs fill with darkness,
I am filled with Sin.

The time of day is now,
When I feel that itch beneath my skin.
And every second hurts,
When I'm not filled with sin.

But continuously isn't in my vocabulary,
Just like the color of your soul.
But sometimes I get trapped,
In a world that'll never be whole.

I can't say I'd falter,
If you offered me your name.
But if I had to sell my soul,
The devil knows it would be for fame.

It's not the kind you think,
Where you'd see my face on every channel.
But God knows I wouldn't stop,
If I could put your head up on my mantle.

The fire would roar,
And I'd soon watch your face begin to melt.
But I would never be rid of,
Those feelings that I have felt.

I see it in her eyes,
Soft memories with a bitter taste.
She knows I'll never heal,
Or perchance never love again.

She watches as time flies,
And sees the sorrow on my face.
As I remember what she looks like,
In satin and lace.

But to me it never happened,
We never were one.
I bound myself to you,
As you bind yourself to none.

Oh the marks you left on me,
Felt deeper than they appear.
And I can feel the bleeding,
From deep within my tears.

I fear I've lost my wits tonight,
Left for dead on the dining room floor.
Perhaps the moonlight calls my name,
While she promises more and more.

Of all the things I could've feared,
How did it end up this?
Terrified of a girl with lilted voice,
And a silken touch and kiss.

How could my weakness become,
Someone so very vulnerable,
When I put in place measures,
To stop me from hunting for her.

I know not if this is love,
Though it certainly was before,
Yet there is a budding brilliance in,
The concept of me and her.

Beautiful, your anxious eyes,
Make me see home again.
I hope I never have to live without you,
Not again, oh darling, bring me in.

Beautiful, your nervous laughter,
Reminds me of times long past.
Take my hand, hold me tight,
Kiss me lightly, love me fast.

Why not one more night,
Why not one more time?
Just one kiss goodbye,
Love me sweet, make you mine.

And my word's can't bring you in,
I can't write you home.
So I'll just keep writing,
And let my heart roam.

Why not one more night,
Why not one more time?
Just one kiss goodbye,
Love me sweet, love tonight.

I haven't really slept,
Since you passed away.
You were far too young,
It wasn't the right way.

You should've gone out fighting,
But instead you fell asleep.
Everyone's been so understanding,
But ****, I just want to weep.

I've spent the last few hours crying,
Something I'm not used to anymore.
Lately I've felt like vomiting,
But there's no bile left in store.

Figures I had to find you,
Aftet so many months away.
But dad I'd give anything,
For just one more ******* day.

I'd like nothing more,
Than to wear your meat around my soul.
To watch the skin melt from your bones,
And turn your body to ashes.

I'd like nothing more,
Than to breathe in Your pain,
And heaven will find you,
Dancing in the rain.

She's thunderstorms and rain,
To your calm and sunny days.
She's the reason my ship sank,
To your open port in a storm.

Even with you gone,
So many miles away,
I can still feel the warmth,
Of your sunny days.

Sometimes it's raining,
Even when you're with me.
But I promise to keep you dry,
In this stormy sea.

She is thunderstorms and rain,
that cleared away all my sunny days,
But you've dried up all the water,
She left from rainy may.

I wish I had digested those butterflies,
You gave to me that day.
Rather than allowing them,
To flutter and have their say.

Oh I wish I had looked at your,
Wrists so scarred and fragile.
And known that my soul,
Would look like your forearms one day.

I wish I had told my beating heart,
To flutter and to die.
For now it beats at half the pace,
From when I first looked you in the eye.

Oh how I wish I had turned around,
Not looked upon the door.
For had I not seen you enter,
I'd have lived much more.

How, oh how I wish,
I had merely kept on reading.
Rather than watch, with laboring breath,
As you spoke your name to the class.

Oh how I wish I had never heard your name,
Or seen the scars upon your wrist.
For had I merely kept on breathing,
I'd know not what became amiss.

I know now,
That it is finally time,
To move on.

I'll be seeing all my friends tonight,
The ones I thought left me behind.
Nothing makes me feel secure,
Like I did with them at my side.

Its been nearly two years,
Seven hundred and thirty days,
Countless needles shed,
And infinite milligrams consumed.

I just hope tonight,
No one asks me how I'm doing.
I don't know if I can lie away this time.

With everyday I **** myself,
Thinking of you.
I've found love in the sunset,
And yet it's not the one I need.

I'd follow my heart if it didn't hurt me before,
I just want to know what your kiss tastes like.
But bleeding red is the only way,
To make me feel like I'm home.

When did you decide that you found love,
Lost under the sun,
When did I become just another,
“Oh he's just a friend.”

With every breath I take,
I'm becoming the heartless,
Building this cage,
******* hating every step.

And I just want to let you know,
That one day everything will be okay.
When I'm shaking hands with the devil,
And he makes me relive every memory of you.

She was so careful,
With that crimson thread.
As she sewed my soul,
Back into my head.

A scar is one thing
She said so calm.
As she touched my cheek,
With a vanilla palm.

But open wounds,
Are the things that ****.
You'll rarely survive,
Lest you have the will.

And so she sewed,
And I bled slow.
Waiting for my open wound,
To finally close.

I'm willing to bet that,
If you leave me alone,
I'll put a needle in my arm,
And a bullet driven home.

I'm willing to bet that,
You've never seen danger,
Quite as seductive
As I can be.

Throw me my cotton,
Give me my spoon,
I swear my lips will be blue,
All too soon.

I just need my rig,
My belt and maybe just,
A little ****** tonight,
To end it all,
And start a new life.

Give me everything I've ever known,
Let me have it all.
Give me Hell, I need it.
I swear I'll take the throne.

Don't offer Heaven,
I swear I've already found it,
In blue eyes and full lips,
The girl you took away from me.

Give me Hell,
I swear I deserve it,
I'll take it all alone.

I wrote this poem in my own blood,
So you could taste it like you never could.
And I hope you find it before I decay,
Else our love will not find it's way.

My friend, my cure, my sickness and health,
I count you as the richest of wealth.
I carry you beside my heart,
And know when I die you'll not depart.

You'll dig my grave with your own two hands,
And spread my ashes on stark white sands.
You'll bleed me to the ocean blue,
Until death takes the life from you.

And when you die I hope you know,
Your path to Heaven I will show.
I'll light the darkest halls of Hell,
For Heaven died when you fell.

Angels cried for us that day,
Their tears showing us a blurry way.
Through the fire, trees and rain,
They showed us Heaven to hide our pain.

After years of trudging through,
We found Heaven with Angels few.
And so you stood with valiant stance,
And raised them up with a powerful glance.

Now Heaven's full they force our leave,
But not before we try and retrieve,
Our souls from far beyond the gates,
And back to Earth to chance our fates.

You know I've felt misery,
When I held my brother as he cried.
Screaming for our father,
As mom watched through tear filled eyes.

You know I felt happiness,
When I watched him move up,
Into middle school,
Already on his way to being a man.

You know I feel sadness,
Each night as I lie down to sleep.
I don't know how to be a father,
To a boy half my age.

I do not understand,
Why fate made everything happen this way,
But let me tell you this burden,
Is mine to pay.

I'll do what I must,
To make sure he grows up right,
Even if I have to,
Give up my own life.

The day we laid my father to rest,
I was so ****** up I couldn't move,
Let alone see straight.
You name it, I was on it that day.

The moment my girl told me we had to go,
I stood on shaky legs,
Shook my head and put on the face,
Of the man my family needed me to be.

I drove to the funeral home,
A city away,
Dressed to impress and drugged to carelessness.

I was so ****** up that night,
That I nodded out with my eyes open,
While the priest who married my parents,
Gave the eulogy.

It's a good thing I was so ****** up,
So that I didn't rip that ******* priest apart,
When he told me it was a holy experience,
To find my father dead like that.

What's so holy about it father?
The fact that I need to be so medicated that I pass out,
In order to sleep at night?

Or the fact that I could care less,
If I dosed a little too much,
Every time I push the plunger down?

Tell me, what is so holy about it, priest,
The fact that my father wasn't even twice my age,
Or that I'll be dead before I reach his?

Light is the rain,
Dancing around your flesh,
And it arouses me to think,
You were innocent once.

I slipped myself something sweet,
Just to get me through the night,
A drink in one hand,
My mind cloudy and light.

You were so beautiful,
Half drunk and that's just fine,
His hand and yours entwined,
I slipped myself something sweet just in time.

What a rush you've become,
Your smile, my demise.
There's not a lie I could tell,
When I look you in the eyes.

He fell asleep on your breast,
As we talked through the night.
I always knew there was nothing,
I can do to make this right.

But we said our goodbyes,
As the snow came pounding down.
I slipped myself something sweet,
Just as I reached the end of town.

The other day I was asked,
Where I called home.
I thought for a while,
Before I realized a syringe was the only thing that made me feel warm.

I know I have a cold heart,
And I couldn't care less sometimes.
But to tell you the truth,
I'm truly happy that you're mine.

I've driven nearly a hundred miles,
And been sick for days on end.
Just so I could see you,
My love, my life, my very best friend.

I've left my needle back in my room,
Just beside my spoon and cotton.
So I could be with you,
So those moments may never be forgotten.

I've spent my days alone,
Knowing just how far I'd have to drive,
To see my darling girl,
And to really feel alive.

I deleted all our photographs,
Left nothing in my wake,
But as I clicked delete all,
I swear I thought that I would break.

Five short years,
Gone in the blink of an eye,
I swear I'd sell my soul,
To never have had to say goodbye.

I miss your kiss,
And your touch,
I miss hearing I love you,
Far too much.

I wish I could find a needle,
To replace the void you left in me,
But they'd cart me away again,
And I'd be left so empty.

I wish there could be a little ******,
To ease the pain of our demise,
I wish I could hold you softly,
As I whisper my goodbyes.

Would it be a sin,
If I used just a little too much?
Could I enter Heaven,
If I **** myself tonight?