Lying on the bed like I always do
Cant comprehend that I can't cry for you
I haven't shed my tears thrice ever since you left
But even the thought of losing you made me dwell in pain back then
I don't know if I'm hiding it all in some buried deep cage or maybe I turned out to be tough after all
But I can't even think of any thoughts about you
Wasn't I supposed to be a big little disaster of unstable emotions and a bucket full of tears according to them all
But all I'm is numb about it all
I try to hate you with every bit of my heart that was once consumed whole by you
But the feeling of love in my blood hasn't completed its circulation after all
Am I still In love? do I hate you? Or Do I not give a **** at all
Should I feel ashamed because you think it was all my fault?
Or should I stand by my feelings and how it turned out to be your fault after all
Our hearts once connected breaking through the allegations that we put upon us
I know you still think about me
But do I really not care about it anymore?
Or is this another concierge that i use to hide away my feelings
I know I'll keep wondering why
Until every other night of lying on my bed
Like I always do

I'm afraid to talk to people
I'm afraid they will judge me
I'm scared of even the thought of somebody getting to know me
For they shall leave too, if they saw what's hidden beneath me
I joke and whine about how everyone is missing out on me
But all i know is that my anxiety is depriving me
When that one friend is busy
I realise what a poor pathetic fool im
To barely have 2 people to count on
When i have lived in this city, most of my life
I'm not an angel, for all i know
Abandoning and leaving gets the best of me
For i tend to fall apart at various times
And hurt the ones who know me
So maybe i'm better off alone
Than with a person who is destined to leave me.

I have the tendency to leave
I get too overwhelmed often, my mind
stops working and all i see is darkness in front of my eyes
As I somehow make the best and worst decisions of my life at the same time
Ok fine I spit fire from my mouth everytime someone triggers me
But have you ever really tried to understand what made me like this?
All I can do is try and try to make everyone understand
But it's always the person's fault who made the other one cry
I may sound like a narcissist, But would you really put up with someone's ****, after tolerating it a million freaking times?
Just because I get the last word, How is it my fault?
How did everyone foreshadow all the moments of forgiveness and empathy that I expressed
But it's always my fault, my fault for putting up with people and their *******
And yeah I'm ******* selfish if that means that I can protect myself from something that alters my peace
I'm also aware about the fact that I'm just gaslighting myself too, as they say I do to everyone
But God, would you ever look at it from my point of view?
Years of living in the shadow of people who ridiculed and bullied me
How could you expect that person to not respond to even the threat of something like this?
But it's always my fault
I'm sorry it's my fault for even existing
Because every good thing i do is forgotten
And every bad thing that I do Is thrown at my face every single day.

Im scared that i won't last
Im scared that i won't last in life
That i'm too weak to spend a few more years in bright light
Im only 17 but day by day the darkness consumes me
Im afraid im just built weak
Do I really have it in me?
I mock the know it alls
As the jealousy runs out of me
Like a cut deep
I pretend to consider their curiosity stupidity
As i wonder why all i have left is a full stop in me
Those gold medals i received as a kid reflect back on me
But all im is blind consuming it all whole in me
All i do is try and try and try
But i'm just a nobody
With average grades will I just live an average life?
Why do i have to be 17
Why can't i be 5 with dreams and aspirations in her eyes
Gliding away like a summer tide
That one gifted child
Where have you gone my dear
I miss you and I need you.

It's 4:39 in the morning
I should've been asleep an eternity ago
But I decided to watch a movie
Or something to promote the smiths I think so
Jokes aside heaven knows I'm miserable now
Or I always have been
But the one thing i realised is
Maybe I really haven't experienced what heartbreak was?
Yeah i went through a breakup, but it's just not the same
Am I stupid to want a love that shatters me the moment it drops on the floor?
Would someone ever care about me like I'm a fragile little glass flower
Or would they always treat me like I'm just a plastic box, unbreakable.
Well it's my fault too, the way I take those beatings to my heart as they slowly breaks me up
But for once in my life, could I just get what I want?
Maybe it's all imagination, The term love
But coincidentally that's where I reside my imagination
With my dreams to get shattered like a bottle of old monk
I should probably head to sleep, cause it's 4:45 now
And I hope I return here before somebody completely breaks my heart.