On the couch beneath a blanket
is how I'll spend this day
Wrapped up in distant memories
keeping grief and guilt at bay

The blanket's from the picnic,
the one we never had.
And the memories we never made,
'fore time ran out and this went bad.

But its how I spend my weekends,
draped in dreams of yesteryears.
Finding comfort in what-might-have-beens,
helps hold back all the tears.

One day I will get over this
come to terms with what I've lost
balance grief with life ahead
find acceptance of the cost

And when I'm ready I'll start over
with the lesson widows get taught
to seize each day in every way
because life really is too short.

I cry alone because thats who I am
thats what my life is
alone

I cry alone because there's nobody here to hold me
to tell me its all gonna be ok
because it isnt

I cry alone because when the tears do come
when they do bust the dam
its a downpour

I cry alone because it scares me
it scares me that I may not stop
It scared me so much that I tried so hard for so long not to.

I cry alone

but at least now I've started.

Today I went to my control panel and I uninstalled Love.

Thats right, I clicked add/remove programs, I clicked Love, I clicked uninstall.

But you know how it works, it didn't all get removed. Some "user files" got left behind and I'm supposed to remove them myself but I can't find where they're kept. I can find "the day you met me at the airport" with nooooo problem whatsoever. But I can't get rid of it because I don't know where its kept. So it haunts me. Same goes for "the closet" and "the mirror". Instant recollection. That used to be huge, that used to remind me that it was real and not just some dream I'd had.

But now its torture.

I though if I uninstalled Love then it would take all that with it and it would stop hurting.

But it didn't

and it hasn't

I should have uninstalled Love years ago when it wasn't being used and it just sat there doing nothing. It wasn't taking up any resources, it wasn't interfering with anything or slowing things down.

But then you came along.

And it sprung into action. Suddenly it consumed everything, it was running all the time and sure it slowed things down a little and sure some stuff didn't get done but it felt good. It felt so good. Every day felt like the first day of Spring and every night was spent dreaming of lying in your arms and it felt great.

But then the network crashed

the connection got broken

and while Love kept running it started to cause problems, its ground everything to a halt. It became like one of those viruses that just slowly chips away at your resources over time until you got nothing left.

After a few months and numerous attempts to get the connection back I finally admitted defeat and accepted things were over. And it hurt so much, too much.

So now I have no use for Love. Sure its nice when it runs ok but it crashes, every time it crashes. And I dont need that kind of hurt again.

So its gone.

Removed.

Uninstalled.

All I gotta do now is remove the fragments left behind.

And I'm pretty sure if I install enough Johnnie Walker I can flush those right out.

Frightened and confused;
a soul so absolutely lost.
On a bridge above a river asks
"Is the freedom worth the cost?"

Work, eat, sleep, death.
Is that what it’s all about?
Just treading water every day.
Counting breaths til time runs out.

Life, laugh, love, live.
Accepting and forgiving.
Isn’t that the way that life should be?
Not spectating but really living.

unexpected bounce
unthinking chase
unseen car
unforgettable mistake

Words are weapons of mass distraction
to take our eyes off the criminal action
of democracy ****** over for global destruction
as media serves to create obstruction
as votes get sold for campaign contributions
and we the people search for solutions
the rich get richer and the poor get *******
and the planet dies screaming in the interlude

I am the kid at school
who gets picked last for soccer
I am the kid at school
who gets shut inside his locker
I am the kid at school
that tries to be a ghost
I am the kid at school
that gets picked on the most
I am the kid at school
off who points are always scored
I am the kid at school
who’s cries you all ignored
I am the kid at school
who’s the **** of every joke
I am the kid at school
who’s spirit you all broke
I am the kid at school
the cause of all your sorrow
Because I’m the kid at school
that won’t be there tomorrow

Someone you know
they died today
gave up on life
just passed away
they might be near
or far away
but someone you know
they died today

Did you tell them
how you feel
Did they know that
your love was real
though with a kiss
it went unsealed
Did they die knowing
how you feel?

If you had
just one more day
would you let life
get in the way
would you hold back
on what you say
If you knew you had
just one more day?

This soul of mine lies bleeding
scorched beneath the sun
Found lacking and unworthy
its journey now is done

No salvation lies ahead for me
just a ****** trail behind
My best I guess not good enough
demanded strength I could not find

My battered carcase dragged along
hand over bleeding hand
As desperately I sought to find
acceptance in loves promised land

As hope and faith they ebb away
my dreams exsanguinate
I cast myself into oblivion
before this pain turns into hate

On the edge of a nervous breakdown,
staring into the pit.
Unsure of which way to turn;
whether or not to commit.

Commit to the life I have,
or abandon hope for good.
Vision cloaked in darkness,
head bowed beneath the hood.

Drawn toward its anarchy,
seduced by lesson learned.
Restrained by one last hope,
heart and soul and fingers burned.

Chilling thoughts consume me,
fighting desires to be free.
If no choice is ever made by fate,
is this all that it will be?

you are the one I truly miss
you are the one I long to kiss
you are the one forever young
you are the song I never sung
you are the ache within my soul
you are the loss that takes it toll
you are the one that went away
you are the dream of every day
you are my only true regret
you are the one I cant forget
you are a vision from my past
you were the love that couldn't last
you were the calm within my storm
you were the touch that kept me warm
you were serenity defined
you were the love that wasn't blind
you were my North, my guiding star
you were so near and yet so far
you were what life was all about
the one I cannot live without

Why do I lie awake at night
and choose the need of sleep to fight
Do I resist the coming day
that exhausted I do sleep away
perchance my clocks of different time
and I should live on other lines
where GMT is further west
my body clock is suited best
and in that place I'll sleep in line
with others living in that time
my body rested, nourished soul
the more equipped to reach my goal
no more to linger through the night
instead in sunlight taking flight
where nights are nights and days are days
I'll soar aloft on golden rays
free from turmoil, free of strife
free once more to live this life

She sits and ponders what to write
what words shall fill this space
words of love and hope and faith
or truths we dare not face?

To reveal darkest secrets
of stories yet untold
of fact or fiction, truth or lies
some of which will leave us cold

To toy with our emotions
and end in subtle twist
draw out our deepest sympathy
and show us signs we’ve missed

Or take us to better place
perfection peace and love
perhaps to place us in the middle
or to show us from above

Perhaps she’s in a witty mood
full of whimsy and delight
tell us tales of rhyming nonsense
to keep us laughing through the night

One things for sure, her writings more
and seldom ever less
Either way she makes our day
the gifted poetess

Could it be that you're my Lucy
and I'm your Charlie Brown?
As yet again you can convince me
that you'll keep the football down

And as I take my run up
in the hope I'll kick the ball
deep inside I know you'll pull away
and on my *** I'll fall

Now we're not cartoon characters
but I share in his belief
that one day things will be different
that there'll be no "Oh good grief!"

What if once is all you get
and there’s no second chance
would you change the way
you play the game
Would you so quickly leave the dance

Would you try a little harder
Would you give up just as quick
If you knew
that me and you
Had just one chance and this was it?

Would you speak up in the first place
Would you even play the game
Is the fear of loss
not worth the cost
Thus avoiding fault or blame

We don't have to like it
but sometimes life gets in the way
sneaks up and overtakes us
interferes with our day

We may not get the time we want
because life gets in the way
its just the way it is sometimes
it's no biggie, its okay

Perhaps one day there'll come a time
when life cant get in the way
because life is what we'll have together
each and every day

When you turn a blind eye
I know you still see
it just means its ok
what he's doing to me

You think of yourself
and what you have to lose
every time he comes home
stinking of *****

Turning your back
gives the ok to do
whatever to me
so he don't do it to you

I hope that its worth it
all the **** that you'd lose
to you let me your son
become bruised and abused

You dont hear the screams
or the cries in the night
or the slaps and the punches
when I put up a fight

But don't worry about me
cos I died long ago
just forgot to lie down
so that no one would know

There's nowhere I can run
and nowhere I can hide
When folks tried to help
you just stood there and lied

Well lie about this
when this poem gets read
the truth will come out
they'll know why I'm dead

They'll know that you knew
and you turned a blind eye
right up to the day
I decided to die

For the longest time now
I've been dead inside
well enough of this ****
I got nothing to hide

I was only a kid
that was destined to lose
so his ***** of a mom
got her smokes and her *****

And her **** of a boyfriend
that twisted old ****
got his pleasure from kids
or as he called me her "runt"

You should know when you read this
fore the razor bit down
that I emailed this poem
to the papers in town

I hope that you find me
and it fills you with pride
try and turn a blind eye
now you've nowhere to hide

Why is it when women have troubles
they're straight round their friends for a cry
But when guys feel low
and have taken some blows
we just **** it up and get by.

Is it doing us some kind of favour
or putting ourselves at some risk
will there come a night
after losing this fight
that we'll drown in this deep abyss

What is it that makes us say nothing
makes us keep it all locked up inside
Why is it that men
don't speak to their friends
like its a weakness they're trying to hide

Is it the way that were told as children
that boys and men don't cry
That not to be strong
is totally wrong
Right up till the day we die

None of us are unique in our troubles
and the struggles of life never end
so if you're down in that pit
forget macho *******
grow some ***** go and speak to your friend

Chances are he's been there too, if he isn't there right now

There’s many nights I wake up
and lie here and watch you sleep
and memorise each line upon your face
Scan each crease in every sheet
picture your body underneath
and fight the urge your contours for to trace

Other nights I sleep right through
and I’m lying next to you
my arms around you and your head upon my chest
with your leg laid over mine
our two bodies intertwined
at those times it seems my life, well it’s the best

But each morning when I rise
and I get to see those eyes
looking at me from across my coffee cup
it truly makes me feel
that miracles are real
and happen every day the sun comes up

go ahead and do worst
cos there’s nothing left to hurt
there’s no more tears left inside for me to cry

you made your mind up on your own
without picking up the phone
to see if what you’d heard was all a lie

I guess finally we see
just how much you think of me
actually correct that, should be little

you heard what you needed to
and now there’s nothing left to do
but I guess to split it all right down the middle

you know, forget it, have it all
I hope you really have a ball
and all this **** replaces what you lost

say thank you to  your pride
cos you picked the losing side
maybe one day you will see just what it cost

Please don’t tell me what I’m thinking
because no one ever gets it right
And don’t do what’s “for the best”
because it always feels like *****

Even if it’s in the long run
and even if it turns out true
at least I’d have the memories
of the time I spent with you

You see emotion’s like a scale
and how it balances decides
how you feel from day to day
and how you feel about your life

So when you do what’s “for the best”
you give the bad and skip the good
add a heap of never knowing
and it don’t balance like it should

We all get scared things won’t work out
but by doing what’s “for the best”
you guarantee a failure
avoiding chances of success

So next you get an idea
to do what’s “for the best”
take the time to find out both sides
and we might just pass the test

Do not look at me,
like I have things to say
I’m just hiding from the world
in my self-preserving way

Don’t ask advice,
for I have none to give
and if I did you wouldn’t take it
if you saw the life I live

Don’t pay attention
to the words I say or write
It’s what goes on behind them
that wakes me crying in the night

Don’t believe in me
for your faith will be misplaced
when you realise at last
that I am nothing but a waste

Don’t try and love me
keep your distance stay away
I’m not worthy of attention
any more than what I say

And now its over
nothing left nothing at all
gave it all and came up short
so now I’m back behind the wall

And I thought I was doing so well

I had this mask on and everything was fine and nobody suspected anything was wrong. Nobody knew you’d gone, why would they?

I’d even started to convince myself that I was going to be ok. That this time it wasn’t going to be as painful. That this time it wasn’t going to hurt quite so much.

After all we’d just never see or hear from each other again right? That always makes it easier to forget, once the pain goes. I mean its not like I didn’t try to talk to you to get you to hear my side but I never got the chance. So it was on with the mask and on with life as best I could.

Sure a couple of people noticed something was up but they just figured it was too much work or allergies and being guys knew better than to ask just in case I actually told them. We do things like that to each other, guys do.

But then today happened.

Today you came back ever so briefly, at least I think you did. You saw the mask and never bothered to look beyond. Just like everyone else.

You saw the mask and thought everything was fine when you couldn’t be further from the truth.

You thought everything was fine and that I’d moved on and I haven’t. I’m still in the ******* ******* hole I’ve been in ever since you left. But how would you know. Why would you even care to find out. You left. You went. You and me, we were done. Because that’s what you wanted. Because you couldn’t see a future in it.

But then why did you come back?

If you had something to say you should have said it. You really should have said it.

I can still smell your perfume, you know.

I can still taste you.

I close my eye’s, and, you are still there.

This mask, this façade, this act that you think is about someone else is all about you. It always has been. These things I’ve written since you’ve been gone are things I wrote before you left. But couldn’t finish.

Now I finish them as a way of keeping you around. Pathetic isnt it.

And now the irony of it all, the true irony, it’s not what you think you know, but it’s that you may never know whats really happening.

Because I didn’t want the world to know just how broken I was.

Just how broken I am

Because until today,

even I didn’t know.

I wonder if she'd changed her mind
just who it is you'd be?
Would you be gentle like your mother,
or would you look like me.
Would you have grown into a fine young man?
Would your eyes be brown or green?
I sometimes wonder how you would have looked,
this year you would have been prom queen.
I wish that she had told me,
that she'd decided not to go.
Then I wouldn't mourn the child,
the world never got to know.

I have this magnificent puzzle hanging on my wall that I made years ago.

I can’t remember exactly but I think it’s 797 pieces

Yes that’s right

797

Because there’s pieces missing.

All sky pieces, one sky piece toward the top and over to the left and two over to the right.

They stick out like sore thumbs and everyone comments on them. Like I hadn’t seen it before.

“Do you know you’re missing a few pieces of your puzzle there?” they ask.

Some even look at the floor to see if somehow they had miracoulsly wormed their way out from between the glass and card backing and fell to the ground. Because obviously it must have happened since last time I vacuumed.

So I just shrug and tell them that I know. And I tell them that they’ve always been missing, even when I framed it, they weren’t there.

This at least stops them looking at the floor.

Quite often they’ll tell me that I should have taken it back and got my money back or got a different puzzle. One with 800 pieces instead of 797.

But I tell them no. I like my 797 piece puzzle.

I like it because it reminds me of life.

Just because life is missing a piece or two you don’t put it back in the box and return it for a refund or a different one or throw it away.

Just because you put a lot of work into life and find out that there’s pieces missing you don’t just scrap it.

You should adapt to life with missing pieces.

You should be making the best of it and be proud of its uniqueness.

It especially reminds me of my life

My life is incomplete, my life is missing a few things, but the views pretty good.

And every now and then you’ll catch me looking around for those missing pieces, it’s a habit I guess.

Don't you wish that life was easy
that things were black or white
all our choices would be simple
one choice is wrong the others right

But never seems to work that way
or maybe its just me
so many shades of grey
the path so very hard to see

But it boils down to this.
Do you want it yes or no?
If you do then go and get it
If you don't then let it go

Did you know that since I met you I haven’t finished a single cup of coffee,

or had a dream that I could remember

or gone to bed the same day that I got up?

I’m not complaining mind you.

I just find it intriguing the little things you have changed in my life without even realising it,

without any effort.

My life used to be mostly empty, as in devoid of things, vacuous perhaps, if that means like a vacuum. I mean there was lots of space in it that wasn’t filled with anything in particular.

But you have managed to fill all of that nothingness up.

The times when I used to sit here and daydream about nothing, suddenly there you are.

When I close my eyes before going to sleep and used to spend on average seven minutes thinking of nothing (and that a scientific fact not one I made up) I now spend (on average) seven minutes thinking about you.

In that fraction of a second when breathing in turns to breathing out, there you are.

In that fraction of a second when I blink, its you I see.

Because its you I yearn for. Because its you I want to have and hold and kiss and caress and so much more that I dare not write, even in a poem.

But how?

How did you do this?

How did you invade my very psyche, my soul, my spirit so completely so effortlessly and with such subtlety that I never even noticed. Until I noticed. And its not like I noticed you were here and watched as you spread to there but you were suddenly everywhere.

Places no one else had ever been before.

Ever.

Places that people I had known for much longer and much more intimately had never been able to reach.

And yet there you are.

Sitting on a swing.

Waiting.

I just wish I knew what for.

I bumped into God the other day
he was looking pretty sad
I guess he’s kinda dissappointed
bout all the stuff that’s going bad.

It seems it isn’t working out
the way he had it planned
we’re supposed to love each other
and all things upon this land

we’re supposed to love our neighbours
no matter how they look
not hate and try to **** them
because they read a different book

and we’re all created equal
not one better than the other
and we’re all part of one family
every man here is my brother

we’re supposed to love our children
and teach them right from wrong
not raise them via videos
but take the time to make them strong

but somehow we seem to lose the plot
people, church and state
instead of living peace and love
its all intolerance and hate

So I asked how it feels
to have all this done in his name
at which he looked me in the eye
and said he felt ashamed

churches serving churches
abusing children hiding truth
amassing wealth beyond comparison
then making us pay for the roof

spreading hate and not forgiveness
preach sacrifice practice greed
while enough gold adorns the altars
all the starving for to feed

So I asked him why he told me this
as he crossed me off some list
He said “Because I knew that you would listen,
because you don’t think that I exist”

He explained that he’s in all of us
always has been, always will
that he loves if we go to church
and if we don’t he loves us still

I think I understand it now
its what he says that counts not him
so the values in the message
and the message lies within

I think that I’m in love
with who I think you are
And I think you’re pretty ****
from what I think I’ve seen so far

I think you’re pretty smart
even though you think that you’re not
And I think you’re really pretty
in fact I think you’re pretty hot

But I know that you intrigue me
and I know you make me smile
and I know when I don’t speak to you
that time drags on for miles

I know that I don’t know enough
to know if you’re the one
But I think that if you think on it
you’ll think it might be fun

So I think that we should go somewhere
then I’ll stop thinking all this stuff
Instead of thinking I’ll be knowing
whether or not I am in love.

Nothing lasts forever or so it seems

In time the sun will burn itself out and cease to bring life as we know it.
Even the very ground upon which we stand is slowly dying.

Why then do we expect so much of the fragile notion that is love?

Why do we hope beyond hope, beyond the wildest possibilities of hope that one day, maybe, just one day, that perfect person will stumble into our lives and want to stay. Forever.

Is it because we refuse to not believe in forever?

Or is it because we are only interested in our own forever? But that makes no sense, why not just say for the rest of our lives?

Because the rest of our lives isn't long enough.

Because the rest of our lives is a mere drop in the ocean of time that we wish to swim in with each other.

But forever is, well, forever.

Forever is beyond death, beyond time, beyond limits of any kind.

Because only in forever can we give enough of ourselves to do justice to what love really should be.

Because love really should last forever, even if nothing else does.

Follow me on Twitter @athomashawkins
http://twitter.com/athomashawkins

Treat me gently for I am fragile,
vulnerable and nervous too
It's been a while since I've been here
and now here I am with you

                                        I'm so very glad you said that
                                        for I too am full of nerves
                                        what if he doesn't like my body
                                        what if he doesn't like my curves

My stomach's full of butterflies
my mouth and throat are dry
more anxious than ever before
a little scared a little shy

                                        My head is full of doubts
                                        doubts I think you'll have of me
                                        I want so much for this to happen
                                        I'm scared you won't like what you see

But I want so much to be with you
for you the be one
to feel myself within your arms
I pray not to come undone

                                        I want to feel your hands upon me
                                        I want to linger in your kiss
                                        I want to give you everything I am
                                        and bask within its bliss

So now we both know that were frightened
and now that we both understand
lets turn the lights down just a little
come over here and take my hand

Only you will do
Only you can be enough
Only you is what I long for
Only you are who I love

No pretense is necessary
No roles need to be played
No facsimile of something else
next to whom I would be laid

For you to me are perfect
just the way you've always been
anyone who wishes different
does not appreciate what they've seen

Only you are what has me smitten
Only you are all  I see
Only you is what I wish for
Only you are meant for me

Meet me neath the sweetheart tree
As soon as church is out
I got something there to show you
And that I’m nervous aint no doubt

See Trouble now its been a while
Since you an’ me been goin’ steady
And I been fixing t’ask you somethin’
Just till now I ain’t been ready

See I got me this ID bracelet
I done had since I left high school
And if you’d wear this for me Trouble
Well that’d just be too cool

Now it don’t mean we’re married
Oh no ma’am nothing like that
See I don’t wanna scare you off none
I just want folks to know where we’re at

I know they call you Trouble
But they don’t see you like I do
Cos silly names and rumours
Stopped ‘em seein’ the real you

But I’m sure glad I took the time
And spent it in your company
Cos the more I know the more I love
The girl in front of me

Time passes at its slowest
when your soul is at its lowest
and at times it seems as if it has stood still

But when your soul is happy
time it passes pretty snappy
you couldn't slow it down with all your will

but every once in a little while
on the clock face is a smile
and the perfect day just never seems to end

having a picnic in the park
lighting candles after dark
fun and love and laughters perfect blend

I wander from room to room
trying to pick out what to keep
What to take on to the next place
where to sit and where to sleep

I'll take the bed of course
maybe a couch or maybe two
a writing desk and oil lamp
so I've at least got stuff to do

I dont need a television
fax machine or dryer
I'll write letters for a past time
dry my clothes in front the fire

I think I leave all of my gadgets too
from the office and kitchen
that way when they break
wont be me you hear *******'

Blankets and a rocking chair
books and candles too
pots and pans and plates and stands
and cutlery for two

Of all the things around me
there's so little that I need
will be nice to simplify my life
and shed this cloak of greed

Its ok to say you love me
its ok to say you care
its ok to wish that you were here
instead of over there

its ok to say you got it wrong
on the day you chose to leave
at the time it seemed the only choice
that you needed room to grieve

but the years have not dulled the loss
any more for me than you
and so we have to ask ourselves
what it is that we're to do

but for now it is too early
too soon to think ahead
the words may still taste bitter
but at least they have been said

Don't let pride become your prison
don't let doubt push you aside
it ok the way you're feeling
from it please no longer hide

I don't know what the future holds
for I too am full of doubt
so come and sit right here beside me
speak the truth, we'll work it out

Why do we choose to talk in riddles
and hide behind the rhymes
Conveying cryptic messages
confuses me at times

Sometimes I wish the phone would ring
that it was something you would do
saying listen to this honey
cos this is meant for you

Then there would be no ambiguity
no mixed messages or missed cues
You should know you can say anything
nothings at risk, nothing to lose

I would listen to all you had to say
answer honestly and true
Be impartial whenever possible
and confess when unable to

Lets not hint in rhymes no longer
lets be blunt, and show our hands
pick up the phone and dial the number
toss the coin see where it lands

Is the pain of not knowing
worse than the pain of choice
Does hurt more to say nothing
than it would to raise your voice

To share yourself between two places
means a heart thats torn in two
It also means that nobody
will get the best of you

For the best of you is many things
far too many here to list
and to spread yourself too thinly
means that many will be missed

You can certainly love two people
just not two people the same way
so the choice to make becomes
which kind of love you want to stay

I think either is a lucky man
no matter which you choose
but choose is something you must do
else everyone will lose.

My thirst it has been slaked
my hunger has been sated
today I feasted on your words
drank all that you created

A drought it was that I had suffered
these past few lonely days
I had lived among the starving
missing your poetic ways

But today the rains came once again
and what a crop they brought
I hope it rains again tomorrow
so others see what I have sought

Who lies beneath this faded stone
That once this place they did call home

This marker now thats all remains
Of a spirit free of earthly chains

Alas we know not who you are
and if you came from near or far

Nothing to say how long your life
Somebody's husband, child or wife

Did you suffer much, was death release?
All we do is pray you rest in peace

Who mourns the dead
from days gone by
When none are left
is it only I?

They shaped our land
and gave their lives
Fathers, daughters
sons & wives

And now they here
undisturbed
neath weathered stones
with faded words

"In memory of"
the headstones say
but names and dates
most worn away

Remember those
beneath the soil
for whom life was
an endless toil

for had their lives
not come this way
you and I may not
be here today.