Every window of hope
    
  SLAMS shut

as if

I was never supposed
to sneak out

   and make you mine

I don’t agree with gravity
in this regard, for it is you
    who has stolen my heart

   and you covet it, unknowingly
    and instigate these flirtations
leaving me drunk with elation

No, it’s not just the alcohol
that leaves me giggling like a child
  
It’s that you and I,
are nearly the same kind
ultimately compatible
We see eye to eye,

but only one of us realizes

There they sat
On the weathered bench outside of the church,
Waiting,
Talking.
A hand lightly brushed against her shoulder,
And she felt chills down her spine.
He gently looked into her eyes
And smiled.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

There she sat,
Glancing to where she thought she should be,
The reason why she was there.
From the opposite direction came an overwhelming light
Onto what she gave up,
And there he was still standing.
The arms wrapped around her
And lifted her up,
And she felt chills down her spine.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

There she sat,
Alone on the stairs
After running away from the overdone breakdown.
Tears of guilt,
Sick of being blamed.
She heard him searching,
Calling her name,
But she didn’t utter a word,
Just waiting,
Wanting him to find her,
Longing for him to make it there.
He paced into the hallway and turned to her,
Disfigured faced converting to relief.
He kissed her forehead
And tenderly held her head in his hands,
Gazing deep into her eyes,
Promising no more pain,
And she felt chills down her spine,
More than ever before.
And that was the moment he saw her,
That was the moment he found her.

Here she sits,
A day like any other,
Pressing forward,
Fighting for reasons of which are unsure,
Day in, day out,
Unending.
Silly girl,
Stop getting found,
First you must find yourself.

Sometimes I miss her,
Because she at least believed in something.
She had hope for herself
In spite of anything she felt or had to suffer through.
She found the worth in it.
She cared so much.

Then I pity her,
Because of her naivety
And how in the end, she was left with nothing.
So, I buried her.
Deep down, she's still there somewhere,
If you'd like to take the time to dig,
But she's barely breathing.
She cared too much,
And that's why she'll soon suffocate.

A bridge well burnt
Leaves a life swiftly hollow,
And the words well lied
Dim the eyes dark to grey,
And a heart well ignored
Forms a wall hard to swallow,
And a face well smiled
Fools the ignorant betrayed.

But fires burn out,
And debris scars the land,
And who are we to say
This mess should stay guilt?
Silly people, don’t you know?
Just take my ****** hand,
And learn of the strength
Of a bridge that’s been rebuilt.

And there's so much I want you to know that you don't believe in.
And there's so much I see that you need to see.
And I wish I could show you the brightness and talent that exudes from your being.
But I don't want to be written off with others who have said the same.
You are truly amazing and gifted.
Please believe in that;
Maybe I'm just scared to say it,
But that will never remove its truth.

With all the disdain and deception of late,
I want to, again, place at my side
The comforting cold of the clear,  orange container.
And I’m scared of what may happen if I do –
But I’m scared of what may happen if I don’t.

This life has proven that every day
The world will attempt to convince me that
I’m no different than anyone else ,
That I’ll never amount to anything better
Than these plastic dimples by which I’m surrounded,
That I’m not enough –
Nor will I ever be.

But it’s then that I remember why I haven’t succumbed
During these last three months.
And it’s then that I remember I am irreplaceable.
So just give up, because I’m a diamond in the rough,
Buried beneath this scorn and smile,
And I dare you to dig deep to my soul,
I dare you to let me discover yours.

All I ever wanted was the truth,
But no one tells that anymore.
So, with what miniscule amount of faith I have left -
In any kind of god, but especially humanity -
All I can really do is try to believe in myself,
Wake up every day, hoping to feel a little bit better than the one before.
Because letting people in is the equivalent to losing control.
When you do it,
You just end up dying before you're actually dead.
And I got sick of being dead.

trust** (verb):
the action of placing faith, belief, and confidence in another;
something I don’t do anymore

truth (noun):
a statement that corresponds with what is factual or certain;
something no one tells anymore

love (noun):
very strong feelings of affection toward another;
a lie that I don’t believe in anymore –
how they get you to give them everything,
you and your life and your heart,
and you’re completely okay with doing that because you think they are doing the same;
a game; an illusion I don’t look for anymore

love (verb):
to make a commitment to someone;
to give your heart completely and unconditionally;
something I avoid admitting, because if I do,
I can no longer protect my heart from the crushing boulder
that’s taken refuge in my chest for the last year

to be myself:
to simply void myself of emotion;
to distract myself with work when I can’t numb myself anymore

Gentle kneading upon my bare back.
The subtle weight shift I feel
As gravity slowly lets your lips press against my shoulder.
The steady beating of my heart.
The pounding in my ears.

Your warm breath chilling my skin
In the best way.
My face buries itself in my hands.
Don’t do this.

But it doesn’t feel wrong.

Head lifting to feel us cheek to cheek.
Whispers in my ear.
You turn me over,
Forehead pressed to mine.
“Why are you doing this?”
“Why are you letting me?”
A moment of clarity
That causes hours of confusion.

I give in.

Shadows dance across the walls.
Passion, affection, lust.
Love?
The smooth sensation of our skin colliding.
Heavy breathing.
My legs wrap around your waist as you lift me.
I missed these lips.
I missed these hands.
I missed these eyes.

I can still sense it.
It won’t leave me.

Bring on the darkness.
Let the shadows dance once more.

But all I feel is a heart in my chest.
Ba-doom, ba-doom, ba-doom…