dear mom,
what do you see
when you look at me?
because surely
no mother has ever
looked at their daughter
with the disgust
that you have looked at me with
you give your cats
a life of luxury
yet treat your own family
like strangers
in your home
one day
when you are alone
with all of your cats
you will realize
that you once had a family

i am dizzy
i don’t think i have been eating well enough
my thoughts are clouded
my body, weak
arms outstretched, my hands reach
but no one reciprocates
drowning in my own words
emotions allude me
no filter, only shame
where is the hole i crawled out of?
this emptiness is so heavy
the dark is thick with static energy
my ears ring constantly, a silent alarm
i hear you, do you hear me?
subconsciously awaiting the sign
dismissing all hope and fear alike
content in my instability
tear-streaked and beautiful

one day
i will meet a boy
whose smile
smoothes the creases
in my forehead
whose laugh
soothes my nerves
in every way
whose voice whispers
into even the darkest
crevices of my soul
this boy exists
somewhere
of that i am sure
where, i do not know
but we will meet
in the most
unexpected way
and i will know
his spirit was the one
who was there for me
when no one else was

i spend my days
sickened by my life
pasting on a smile
at every turn

youre worth every
ounce of love
that i have to give
but if you don’t want it
at least let me
keep it
for myself

some people
want the world
to leave them
alone
but some people
want the world
to worship
their ego
others
wish only
for the world
to see them
shine
and to shine
in return

so from now on
i will swallow my words
like poisoned butterflies
that will not flutter
but lay dormant
inside of me
and
every time you see me
bite my lip
i will be thinking
of you
and how happy
not knowing
makes you

my strings are coming loose
at both ends
slowly
inevitably
undone
i knot them closely
hoping to keep myself together
i am frayed
nearly torn
almost completely
unraveled

at night
when the stars come out
i am comforted
their light
brings me peace
that no one ever has
daylight
has a strange essence
to me
valid in its own serenity
but no peace
just
light

the first time i laid eyes on you
i felt a fire in my soul
burning me to the core
it warmed me like a thick blanket on a chilly night
it was as if i had been cold my entire life
& i never knew it until you seared me with that flame
that comfort that i never believed actually existed
who knew love could burn like that?

your callousness offends me
how easily the lies fall out of your mouth
love, i scoff at the word
it is pitiful to me, this emotion
nothing i have ever felt has measured up to its worth
except with you
yet you spit the word like its a game
an anchor to get what you want
well, what is it you want from me, my love?
ive given you everything i have: all of me
but you didnt want it, it wasnt good enough for you
now you want more!
and not only me, but all of her as well..
how much can you take before your love overflows?
drowning you in your innocence
"the love you make is the love you take"
you seem to be drawn to creating it
but dont want the consequences
one day you will understand..
i think youre starting to; i knew it was too soon
i thought you were the one
the one i'd been waiting for
the one who would expose my world
not leave me vulnerable & unprotected..
my heart bleeds for you
but it is not enough
when the blood runs dry
there will be nothing left for your blood-thirsty soul
your once-sharp razor eyes wont cut me to the core
never again
third times a charm
we're hanging by a thread, my love
how long will you let me dangle carelessly?
when the string snaps i will fall
and i will break
and the shattered pieces of my already bruised ego will be
l o s t
forever

'07:* girl meets boy, senses shocked—
life as she knew it forever swayed by his rash and carefree decisions
she grows, leaving the world she knew behind
metamorphosing rapidly, shedding the comfort of her caccoon..
sprouting wings where legs once grew

'08: time passes yet their feelings have not come to fruition
another man enters the picture, bringing new hope to love
squashing all ideas of it before it even has a chance to flourish
gone, never to be heard from again; back to the drawing table..
her flight path altered slightly, regaining composition—slowly but surely

'09: her light shines bright now, thru numerous trials and tribulations
enter: a new boy; his style & grace caresses her to the core
his soul intertwines with hers, pouring brightness over the dark times
little does she know the darkest are yet to come..

'10: their obsession grows, littered with dishonesty & mistrust
an obvious love affair; tainted relationships append a broken start..
the girl—confused, lost in remorse—negates the power she knows exists in their love
he fights for her & she pushes him away, hopelessly overwhelmed by her guilt

'11: a new year; old habits—the glow of their love almost completely diminished
hearts broken, new relationships envelop their mistrust; loss, gain, loss gain
guilt finally replaced by regret, she realizes what she knew all along..
slightly shaken, she mends her heart & bandages her bruised ego
—in honor of the child now growing inside of her

'12: a beautiful boy brought into their world; blinded happiness—
a sudden change of heart from the boy, torn apart by his own insecurities and emotions
a bitter & resentful girl, grasping at the wind; no reciprication
finally—a break in the void.. hopeful at last, she is hesitant to be too greedy..
should she fight for him as he did her? or will their destinies choose themselves?

'13:* a twisted plot: boy #1 re-enters the scene; lost, desparate, & reminiscent of the past
tear-streaked and beautiful, the girl—now a mother—makes the decision she knew would never make itself..
squashing all traces of lingering hope in her now-adamant beau, she takes their son & leaves behind the life they knew; it is her turn to be greedy
dreams as fragile as rose-petals are crushed beneath the eyes of the friends she once called family
slate cleared; it is over before it began.. homeward bound—to the family she calls nothing

to be continued

to feel your embrace is heaven on earth
your caress, your gentle aggresiveness
the deep pleading in your eyes for my body to be intertwined with yours..
we melt into one another
our souls connecting, our skin vibrating
pleasantly awaiting that moment of complete serenity
that bliss
the trembling of our tender quakes, lost in submission..
heads in the clouds, counting wisps of broken dreams
carrying the weight of the world in our hopeful hearts, beating together as
o n e
a solid entity

i stroke your cheek, imaginging for that moment that we are the only two on the planet
far-stretched across the galaxy
our very existence shedding light throughout the cosmos..
you wink, a guilty smile
knowing the thoughts floating thru my mind
ever-dreaming, lost in space & time with you..
we shed our skin, glowing in the naked vulnerability of our souls:
on display, for only us to see
a cloak of protection surrounding each other from the outside world
our love a vast secret of hope for all the jaded souls who hoard away their love
buried under heartache and unforgiveness
relentlessly hiding their shame
an atrocity to all those who've cast aside bitter memories
grasping at the void for acceptance and bliss..

the stars shine bright in the night sky
overwhelming me with their capacity to give and give, and never take
they shed their light over our swelling hearts, catering to our every wish
a beautiful gesture of pure loving kindness
a feat i will cherish for all of my days..
you stir slightly, not wanting to jolt me from my peaceful reverie
nonetheless, unabashedly watching me delight in the unfathomable universe surrounding us
your half-cracked smile says it all, as you glow with admiration
or is it my glow that is pouring over you?
quietly, i take your hand in mine, smoothing the hair on your neck
i rest my head in the crevice of your shoulder
thoughts drifting in and out
only heaven on earth remains

lost, confused; floating, lonely
dying slowly, fading quickly
time passes
no notice.
another day gone
no one to share with the beauty of life;
the way the sun peaks thru the windows in the early morn'
how the wind feels on my skin as i step outside
the goodbye kiss that never touches my lips..
the silent drive over the river
the endless work days;
fingers typing, brain fuzzy, heart focused on you
inevitably the day ends
minute by minute, that much closer to home
the seconds drag as i long for your embrace
rejected.
distracted, by a beautiful child whose loving eyes say it all
vision blurs as my eyes fight a never-ending battle with these **** tear ducts
an emotional wreck.
all bottled up, waiting to explode
hoard it all away..
dont ask, dont tell
even if they do ask, still dont tell
pff.
who really wants to know anyway?
the secrets of my heart go unlistened to; forever unheard
my words float by, grasping for attention
none.
i am a failure; a disappointment
understood by no one, admired by few
lost in a sea of loneliness
broken
i am empty.

i am a blank page
open to all
inviting your words,
your sentiments
your emotions
write me a picture
draw me a story
perfect me,
create me
but do not erase me!
mistakes are welcome here
all part of the plan
you feel me,
i feel you
together
we are one,
connected
pen to page
i fuel your soul
relax your mind
scribble away
its give and take with you and i
you give and give
and i take when i can get
its never enough though
you'll be back for more
because, you see,
our story never ends

you carry the weight of a thousand arrows
don't rip them out all at once
remove them, dissolve them, eliminate them how you see fit
you have the power
use it to your advantage
don't let them tie you down
be free
be weightless, be the wind
be light like a million butterflies disperseing into space
you are invincible
you hold the key to all the joy in the universe
grasp it, manifest it
proclaim it as your own!
stop floating along in a meaningless existence
stand up and claim what is yours:
you, this earth, and all the love which embodies it.
it is not to be possessed, it is to be cherished
open your heart to the blessings bestowed upon you
seize every opportunity
find yourself in your thoughts
display your heart to all
never give up,
always press on
and reach for the sky.....

i feel broken, used
like a pawn in the game of chess—when i know im worthy of a Queen
there's nothing to hold onto anymore, no wind in the door
i grasp the impossible, fight for the unseen
what is "real" isn't quite what it's made out to be
i close my eyes and wish for more—
all the hopes and dreams that have been forgotten
i stumble into rocks and stormy weather, one step closer everyday;
past depravity, sheer boredom—into bliss
pure j o y
the time will come, when my people open their eyes & unchain their hearts
their world will be exposed, and they will truly KNOW
everything is a lie!
hold onto something, just believe
a glimmer in the dark of the night
see past the façade
you're locked in a cage
trapped, forgotten
set yourself free..
live in love, in harmony
unite with your brethren! share your soul!
expose yourself for who you are:
a blessed being—a child of the universe
every star, your sister; every leaf your friend;
every person a drop of a water—
falling, floating, waiting
evaporating
endlessly
savor every breath.. taste every breeze
laugh at every closed door and know it's just as easy to break thru it than move on
acceptance is key
ride the currant, don't fight the tide, for it will defeat you;
it is steady, unchangeable
it will break you down
hold onto the moment—it is the only one you'll ever have
let your stomach drop, your heart sink, your toes curl
for there will be a day when your stomach curls,
your heart drops
and your toes sink into their destiny.....
fly high and never look down!
catch every breath, rest in every cloud
SOAR
listen to the emptiness; there's no repeat button
kiss your troubles away
know the path by which you have arrived!
there are thousands of forks in the road, which will you choose..?
i've counted the days, minutes, seconds into oblivion
why observe what can't be controlled?
find yourself in your aspirations
you will meet there, in the sands of time, your peace
hold onto clarity ♥

sometimes, there's not an answer.
sometimes the only thing you can do to keep yourself sane is to hide.
keep yourself locked away in the sacred mausoleum which is your heart;
shy away from the turmoil of "everyday life."
reawaken your senses,
heighten your soul to that of a bird—
flying,
gliding,
ever higher;
at peace with the world around you,
for there you find the space from which your dreams are calling you—
reaching out,
pulling you toward your destiny,
your deepest desires.
beyond the realm of space and time,
there is a door with your name on it.
there is no key,
only openness,
gratifying you with something lighter than truth,
heavier than light.
it is here that you will find what you are looking for—
peace.

if ever you're lost
the stars will lead you
heaven whispers a solemn call
through thick and thin
the wind you'll follow
the calm of your mind will carry you far
bestowed upon you
a holy journey
inward
not outward
is where it begins
loosen your bindings
untie your chains
the peace you require lies in tranquility
steady your heart will be
each beat alive
listen to your soul
when it seems the most still

invisible
stolen from the naked eye
beyond understanding
floating in enlightenment—
you cannot be touched
you glow,
you shine,
you blind
an illusion, a mirror
beyond the depths of realism,
into skepticism;
a wall:
paralyzed,
empty
longing to be heard,
a whistle in the wind—
a shot in the dark
closing in,
an abyss;
past surrealism,
into oblivion
reach out..
make contact,
accept your call
don't delay,
time doesn't wait;
it is now—
or it is never