How can someone I love so much
Be the reason I cry, be the reason I'm sad
Be the reason I see a new post and get mad

The person I knew isn't there anymore
May have never existed
Was never mine, that's for sure

But how do you tell your brain
That that thing it depended on
At some of the worst of times
Isn't coming back. That it's died

What a difference 24 hours can make
When you focus on what you can have
That was happiness I didn't have to fake
A nice dinner, a deck of cards, some laughs

I forgot about the others I miss
I forgot for a bit
I forgot til it hit

Alone now I start to wonder
If letting go and moving on
Is self preservation or a blunder

Whats the point of holding on
When missing them makes it hard to breathe
And being with him puts my mind at ease

Going off my meds
Canceling counseling
Avoiding friends
Burning blood in my veins and foggy head
Confusion. Lost my train of thought again

I miss my river, the bridge, the lights
Somewhere to go on these horrible nights
Miss having some options
Miss knowing I could
Miss having the people I stayed for
Like i promised i would

From here i can hear the train
Seems worse than water but somehow stronger; like Anna K anyway
But it's loud where the river was quiet
And i would never have courage to try it

This is the last night
I'll sleep in this city
In this place
Ive called home for three years

This is the last night
I can even pretend
I live in the same city
As all of my friends

This is the last night
Of this part of my life

It's been a tough three years
But also the best ive ever had
Im not where i need to be yet
But im trying

And i guess its alright
That we're all leaving
One another behind

Because its about time
I learn to start living
Because i want this life
And not just because
I want them in mine

Starting a book is like falling asleep

You lie down and close your eyes
You read the first page
Still painfully aware of the real world around you

The smallest thing may distract you and pull you from the edge of falling
Into sleep
Into the story

You wonder if the world will ever fall away

And then, when you aren't thinking about it anymore, when you thought it would never come

You're asleep
You're on page 137

And the real world is gone
For some amount of time

Until you jolt awake
Until you are pulled from the story

Fold back the covers
Fold down a worn corner

And reenter the world

today i had a thought unbidden
but not at all unwelcome
centered around something
that has made its way into the heart
of what we are

It’s been there when
I was at my worst
when he was at his

It’s been there when
we were happy and content

It’s been there when
each of us was stressed
beyond comprehension

and today the thought came
that i wouldn’t mind at all
if it was there when we move in together
when we make a life together
when we share a bed together
when we go through losses together
when we go through triumphs together

it’ll be there
and so will he

whether he carries it in and lays it over me
as i struggle to take a breath alone
or it’s stuffed in a backpack
pulled out when someone gets cold
Or it’s at the foot of a bed
that we share in the future

out of place in any month but December
that Christmas blanket
wrapped around the both of us
as we face life together
and spend the extra time
we both tried to give away
loving each other
each and every day

it’s been awhile, hasn't it
since i've written,
since i’ve seeked solace in poems

It’s been awhile, i’ll admit it
since i’ve needed to
since i’ve felt out of control

I’m happier now, than I was back when
I wrote away my pain
I wrote away my confusions

The days ahead look brighter
and it’s all because of him
and it’s all because he’s him