"You doing ok?"

It was innocent
Came from a place of compassion
Empathy even
For the devastation thing called life

You call me a friend
Surprise I come when offered
Not knowing till later
No one else invites me for things

Despite the laughs
Despite the masterful smile I showed
You saw through it
Saw the pain in my eyes

The one thing I've begged for someone
Anyone
To do
And yet, I built that wall higher

The one of my own self isolation
The one where the past and present blur
The one, where no can hurt me if I'm alone

You were genuine
Kind
Caring in time of need
And I still lied to your face

What kind of friend am I
When I want to be safe place for everyone
And can't seem to let others do the same for me

Me, myself and I
The closest friends I have
What kind of monster have I become now?

Pinch here
spend there
everything way fine
until it all froze

I had budgeted
one more week
one more amount
that never came

Better job
Sell a house
All because
what I promised wasn't there

"Your lazy"
"Not good enough"
"Not trying"
but how can I try

when my government failed me
just because they want to yell at each other
instead of helping those
with a penny to our name

The desire to write is at my fingertips
my arms ache to paint
show the world what I hold in

my voice croaks to speak out
the words I swallow back

the "I miss you" that will never be heard correctly
the "I love you" that is gone
a empty grave
one must believes exist
just to live with hope

would it be too much
to ask to stand next to me once more
grant me the strength and love
I know is gone

but then again
I still love a ghost
the ghost who still lives