Every hair in place,
Arms positioned just on the hips,
Head slightly to the left,
Shoulders back,
Eyes wide, big smile.
Shutter clicks.....


You’ve always had a knack for capturing perfection behind a lens
Like a beautifully choreographed dance, all these small parts, strung together
To create a jaw dropping performance of pixels that seemed to sparkle across my screen

It certainly drew in envious eyes
“You’re so lucky”, “I wish _ made me look like that in photos”, “you must love having your picture taken all the time” “all your photos look like model shots”

It’s true, they did.
Each one gracefully constructed to diminish any flaws and highlight only the best.

Yet I longed for something raw,
The imperfect.
It’s the accidental click that caught me mid laugh at a friends joke I ached for
It’s the “i just saw a dog walk into this bar” face I make, no matter how many dogs I’ve seen that day  
Or we’re drenched in our gear, waiting out the storm of what was supposed to be an ideal shoot, but we’re happy just to be together
Maybe it’s my sweatpants, messy hair, eating pancakes in bed on a Saturday morning and I tell you to delete it immediately
It’s those moments I crave to have a snapshot of
To reminisce on all the life that filled us everyday,
The triumphs, the laughter, the nitty gritty, the downright miserable
I want the chaos of real life captured
Not just the illusion you could create with an artists hands

I wake up, it's April 1st
It should be like any other April 1st,
the weather shifting from cold to warm, to cold, as Mother Nature cannot make up her mind just yet
Green stems peeking out from under soft soil, damp from the rain before sunrise
sound filling the air is of sweet blue jays and the occasional hummingbird buzzing by
Children down the street are drawing on the sidewalk with brightly colored chalks, while their parents talk about Easter plans
A sense of excitement, of new beginnings as the winter blues melted away with the snow
But today is not that April 1st.
I'm woken by hail, pounding down on this rusted cabin roof
The air is stale and weighs heavy in my lungs
the birds are bustling about as usual, but instead of sweet melodies, I'm irritated at their noisiness
No sign of children playing,
no sign of parents making weekend plans
When my eyes finally do catch another person
Its fear and uncertainty filling their eyes
it's wearing a mask so they don't breathe in the same air as I
it's wearing tightly fitted gloves on both hands
It's the strong stench of disinfectant we both bathed in prior to stepping out our own door
It's locking eyes, not from an beautiful human connection, but in pleads to keep your distance
It's a world I do not recognize
all remnants of a different time, all dreams, and all futures have been stashed away
put in a box and shoved under a bed for safe keeping
praying tomorrow we can dig them back out,
dust them off,
and the world we remember will come pouring out of them

We were once so full:
of 'hello pretty girl, good morning handsome',
goodnight kisses,
arms entangled around each other

We spoke 'I love you's as if the words were air that filled our lungs
My skin knew yours like a cloak, drenched, but keeping me safe from the rains
Your eyes were my lighthouse, guiding me home when the storms that surrounded me grew heavy.

They see us hand in hand
Arms wrapped around each other
They say things, 'cute couple' and 'new love '
They hear of our plans for our future together, our promises and they say...
'It's too soon' or 'you hardly know one another'
But that's the beauty behind the mask
'They', they don't know the struggles we faced to get here
The nights of tears, of uncertainty
The war among hearts that led our arms to be holding on so tight
They don't know the tests we've already had to overcome
To be able to share that kiss out at dinner
To be able to hold your hand as we walk through the park
So we'll let their opinions fall past
Because like an iceberg,
Only a fragment is visible on the surface
While the rest lies below, hidden under layers of blue waters

How strange.
How beautifully strange a moment is.
once lost among the shadows,
Now we gleam in the brightest of light
A season ago I longed for you,
And the chances seemed so far out of reach
I ached for touch, your kiss, your voice
And now;
We're in a whirlwind of love, of kisses, of deep looks, and 'just one more minute's with one another
A loop that will never cease
And those days of disparity,
Are soon to be long forgotten
Pushed out of our memories
As the love keeps pouring in

Is it too late?
If I showed up at your door tonight, would you ask me to walk away?
Would you let me stay?

I'll admit,
Sometimes it's easier to pretend I don't love you
Than to deal with the fact that I do more than I can handle

Beep, beep.....
Jolt me from my sweet dream
Check the time, 6:55a.m.
Late again
Coffee and granola it is then
One contact in, who needs the other
Do I really need a shower before work?
No probably not, Wait, did I shower yesterday?
No time
Hit the road
Green light turns straight to red,
Now coffee stains these old blue jeans
Whew, finally made it
Wash one dog, two dogs, ten dogs
Drool for gel, two bite marks,
Hair in my mouth that's not even my own
1 pm finally arrives!
Oh yeah, school
Three homework assignments, one exam, two papers,
Don't forget to follow up your discussion boards
Here comes job number two
Bus that table,
Take out that order,
Table 152 needs silverware
Get yelled at by the lady with the chicken salad
Back, forth, back, forth
How many steps can my legs make in one day
Check the time
11:47p.m.
Count up tips,
Walk the creepy parking lot alone,
Home..
Look at this bed
My bones are aching, tired and sore
Yet this bed isn't even tempting
To my exhausted body, to my exhausted heart
But I'll crawl in anyways
Beep, beep.....

And I just miss you...
That's all there is to it.

I know I could live without you,
I could eventually watch the snow fall without the image of your face burning in my memory
Someday I could pick up a sunflower and not feel the remnants of your lips on mine
I know I could be fine
But what if I don't want to

My heart is a beaten down shack,
Left in shambles
boards are splintering
A roof with a terrible leak
How can I sell it on the market
With all these exposed nails
With these wobbly floors
No new paint job can fix
My heart is a beaten down shack,
It has no curb appeal
No welcome mat waiting at your feet
My heart is a beaten down shack,
And yet, you look at it like it's home.

You set fire to my heart my dear,
A fire that cannot be put out by water,
One that cannot be contained
Never to be stomped out
Or reduced to warm embers
And so this wildfire rages,
through my entire body
Engulfing anything in its path
As it searches for you among the ashes

"We fear silence like it's an invisible monster, gnawing at us, ripping us open, and showing us our dissatisfaction. Silence is terrifying. " -J.B.

Even if it's the silence we create for ourselves...even if we control it

Loving you...
Was an out of body experience
Like I was looking through a window,
I watched as we fell in love with each day that passed
The strings distancing our hearts shortening with every kiss
And I watched as I tore it all apart,
fragment by fragment
As if I had no control over it
On this other side of the window
I scream to myself to stop
I can't help but watch in horror
And I can't comprehend
Why I would destroy the best thing I've ever known,
Why I would turn away on the one constant,
The one real, out of this world, crazy, chaotic, beautiful love that I want, that I need
Waiting,
I pray my body and soul join each other once more
So that this nightmare may end
And even though it's surely too late,
I could love you, full force, soul intact
Not from behind this window,
But with my hands resting in yours

If my heart were a ship... It would have just sank to the bottom of the ocean

Loving you is the best-worst thing I've ever done,
It's the most right, wrong thing I've ever had
It's tore me to shreds,
then stitched me back together,
Without patches, without seams
Even better than before..
Loving you may be chaos,
but it's the chaos that keeps my weary heart beating

My eyes wander up to the dark sky
And like its second nature,
I think of you
I look into the stars, like I'm looking into the depths of your eyes
I get lost among the constellations,
Like I lose myself in your love
In this chaotic life of mine,
You are the North Star, guiding me home

Tie up these laces,
Music set to blare
cool morning air fill my lungs,
road beneath me tire my legs
And I won't stop
Not til my muscles collapse
Not til the numbness wears off
And then maybe,
Just maybe
I'll find some clearance
Perhaps then my ****** up head won't be so ****** up
it'll all be clear
And what I want is what I'll do
I won't regret, I won't apologize
And that will just be okay
And maybe then I'll win this battle that I'm fighting with myself

An arrow I do deserve, straight to the heart
I know I do, because first it went through your heart
No sorry will ever be enough....
Maybe not even actions can mend such a wound
But I will try til the last breath in my lungs

It's inevitable... I'll always find you
I find you in every love song that comes on the radio
And every time I see a sunflower
I find you when snowflakes fall from the sky
And every time I see a Superman logo
I find you when I'm walking through a crowd, and I think I see your face,
And for a moment, my heart is out of my chest
I find you at every 'perfect photo' spot, because I know how thrilled you would be to capture that moment
And I find you in every dream I dream,
Dreams of our future, our life
I will never not find you my love,
I will never not find you

It's a haunting feeling...
Knowing there's nothing I want more in this world than to be huddled under yours blankets right now,
breathing against your chest,
Your touch coaxing me to sleep

Why do I lie in an empty bed alone when I could be lying in your arms instead
I force myself to settle for short recordings of your voice, when you could be whispering 'I love you' against my neck
I search my memory for each time your lips have kissed mine, even though they don't have to be just memories, they can be every day
I fight you, fight us
When I know I'm destined to be yours
Not just for a day, not for a month or a year
But a forever, our forever
So why do I prolong the inevitable?

With each passing second, I have the deepest urge to kiss your stupid face.....

There's nothing quite like the snowflakes collecting in your hair, on your skin
The brisk air on my cheek while your warm hands intertwine mine
The sound of your voice interrupting the usually scheduled silence
And the shuffling of your feet against mine as we dance, in the dark
Under the streetlights of an empty parking lot
the cold doesn't bother me,
Because your love is all the heat I need
And I couldn't imagine enduring a blizzard with anyone but you.

my mind is a maze,
Taking prisoners with just one wrong turn
Sometimes I'll be lost for hours
Sometimes for days,
Lulled by a mirage of you
I willingly stay,
Finding comfort in this alternate reality

My mind,
Is a pretty ****** up place to be,
A true trickster masked beneath visions of pure happiness and potential futures
It draws me in, because there,
I find you in an instant,
And the world around us ceases to exist
And with my heart distracted,
I'm caught!
Just another ****, another trophy on my minds wall
A collection of infinite souls

I cannot question it, I have no doubt
I know it, I feel it
Past my flesh, down to the bones that hold me up,
It's you
No I don't believe in love at first sight,
But from the moment your eyes looked into mine that very first time, a small part of me knew
And each time your voice found me, each time you look at me with forever in your eyes, that realization spread,
Like a wildfire ravaging through my body
Until every fragment of me knew, pulsating in my veins and in my heart
And it screams to me loudly in the quiet of the night,
And it whispers to me in the chaos of the day
It's you,
And my mind and body won't allow me to forget it

I thought once that my lips would comfort you,
Instead I realize they are nothing more than covered in razor blades
And it doesn't matter how hard I try,
How delicate I am,
Blood always stains our clothes when you get close

You were right there,
In arms length
And my hand was outstretched towards you,
But my fingers couldn't find yours quick enough
And I know your arm was tiring
So I let you let go
Even though all I want to do is hold on tight, tighter
Til my knuckles turn white
But exhaustion is on your face
And I can't be the cause of that look ever again

And I lay in pieces on the floor.
Little do you know I kept my promise, and I'm free
free from the chains that bound me,
Like we always talked about, like we dreamed
and I could show up at your door and tell you, but the damage is too grave
Because the minutes ticked past due and
Your cuts are too deep I fear my bandages cannot heal them
So instead the silence will be all my own
And I'll fumble with the glue
Trying to piece myself back together
And even though I can taste your forever on my tongue,
I should let you move on,
Because my love won't be able to quench your thirst
Because it's the hesitation that kills you, that killed me

And when my eyes finally find comfort in this dark, empty house
Its you I see
Standing beside me on a bridge, telling me don't be afraid
Holding my hand in a field full of sunflowers
Kissing me on the hood of your car
Laying in your bed with your arms wrapped tightly around me
I never knew so many places could feel like home
Yet these places are just places
And you are my home

You speak to my heart
Sometimes through tiny scraps of paper
It's just ink
But I save every one, clinging to them when my mind goes dark
Sometimes through melodies,
Words that are not your own,
But convey your every thought and feeling
And sometimes through your kiss
As the taste of you lingers on my lips, begging for more
It's been seldom lately that I hear your voice
But I've come to realize
That with you
spoken words aren't necessary
For me to know,
To feel your love
Because in every way
Even in those I didn't know you could
You speak to my heart

I had raged a war inside myself.
And I was unmerciful
In a war that has no victor.
I was holding back
How can I utter these words,
destroy someone's entire world
All that they think they know,
Nearly every inch of their life
But since I've come to realize
If it's their world I don't shatter, it's mine that will.

...i love you
In the most innocent of forms,
In the way that I hold your hand while sitting in the passenger seat
In the way that Ill run my fingers through your hair when you've had a rough day
In the way my entire body exhales when you wrap your arms around me
And in the way i search for you in every poem I read, every movie I watch, every song that comes on the radio, every photograph
I long to find better words to describe it,
But until then
I just, whole heartedly,
Undeniably, chaotically,
love you.

I may look like a harsh storm, blowing in off the coast,
But the howls of my wind are but only a scare tactic, weeding out the weak of your kind. My clouds may be blackened and screaming with uncertainty,
My rain may frighten you, tempting you into its drowning waters.
But when the eye of my storm finally catches you, you’ll see.
I am not a storm at all,
But simply a calm breeze; a slight mist in the night.
Singing sweet lullabies to sooth your wandering heart

Be a snowflake.
And dance with me to these melodies
Inside a snow globe made just for you and me.

Your words,
are soaked in glue.
And they are sticking to me,
like it's all they know how.
The trace marks of your fingers,
linger on my skin
Clearly outlined in tingles and chills
Your kiss,
follows me like a shadow
A feeling I just can't shake loose.
But why would I ever want to.
Now a ghost fills that space
And all I have left is this pebble,
and the memories that wrap around it like a blanket.
To comfort me in this solemn grave
I dug myself in.
If only I had the strength to reach up,
to reach for your hand,
and climb my way out.

"There is a great war in me,
between the lie that I could forget you exist,
and the truth that you are everything there is."
-Beau Taplin

And I'll meet you,
there,
under the streetlight.
Just a bulb flickering,
lighting the alley between us.
Under the moon and the stars.
And we'll stay there long,
unaware as the minutes and hours tick by,
Even as the summer warmth fades away with the horizon
And I'll see your face through the darkness,
Eyes fixed upon me.
Like there's a spotlight just on me.
Your icy fingers,
entwined in mine,
will bring me down to earth.
And I'll sigh a breath of release,
because
there,
under that streetlight,
is more a home,
than any I've ever known before.

If only the words spilled from my lips like they do from my fingertips.
Then maybe you would understand
Never again would stutters and pauses and knots in my throat,
stand in the way of my thoughts and your kiss.

It's when you jump in, but forget to hold your breath.
When you go to speak, but find you've lost your voice.
It's when you dream, but the only images you see are blurry.
When you smile, but you can feel tears running down your cheeks.
It's the wind knocked out of you because you fell,
when you thought you could fly.
I know you're holding on by fingertips.
I know you're losing your grip.
Don't let go.
Don't let go.
Don't let go.
I'll tell myself,
You can't stop fighting.
Because you once believed in magic
You once believed in miracles
You once believed in the impossible.
and once believed in fairy tales.
And I know now,
that he's there waiting for me,
believing in me.

You lay me down,
A gentle disarray of confound and misunderstood coincidences.
Cover me in a veil of sacred virtues,
non-existent outside this hush chamber.
Shield me from unrelenting scowls, awaiting my presence.
Let me eyes fasten shut,
let my hearing be narrowed to only your voice, a soothing, steady tune
Singing lightly in my mind.
Unleash all my demons from their bonds,
and allow me to sail.
Sail to a distant world,
One beyond their clutches.

It is goodbyes and hellos all wrapped into one.
It is yearning for a moment that is already slipping from your grasp.
It is silence, and yet a fast paced symphony,
humming tunes to your scattered mind.
It is uncertain,
and unreliable.
A permanent tattoo on life;a standstill.
A broken clock.
Free from seconds ticking away,
free from years tattering a body.
But even though the flesh will remain untouched,
the soul will undoubtedly,
show worn.
No immorality can keep it,
from showing how the years have aged it.

Rows upon rows they stretch across this field
Each one so unique from its neighbor
And yet, you asked me to choose just one
My eyes bounced from each one
The tall ones, standing strong and mighty above the rest
The bright yellow ones, gleaming with beauty
I wandered and gazed at them all,
until there,
I didn't find it,
but it found me.
You asked me why that one, it was not the most elegant,
nor was it towering over the rest
And I said to you,
it just was.
It needed no explanation, no defense as to why.
And in that moment I realized,
love is the same.
It requires no justification,
no aspects tallied up that equal a winner.
There is no right or wrong, perfect or imperfect,
it just happens,
without your opinion or consent.
It doesn't have to make sense,
in fact,
it probably won't.
But it's in that confusing and jumbled mess,
that even though your head is uneasy with questions,
your heart will finally feel content.

I am not interchangeable.
Not a problem with multiple solutions.
Nor a liquid; taking on any form that demands necessary.
I can not morph and bend into your design.
I am not universal.
So why do I continue to try to piece us together like I am.
Our molds are different.
Not wrong.
Just different.
Not meant to contain one another.
We are both pieces of a puzzle,
depicting different images.
So perhaps,
our stars do not align.
But please don't be fooled,
Maybe she's just lost out there,
floating among the constellations, waiting for you.
And she's the one that's going to save you,
like I could never do.

Please don't take it as the end.
For me, it is only the beginning.
You may see this as the death of me,
but honey, trust me.
I have just begun.
So let me weave myself into this cocoon of snow
And for a while I will be fragile,
I will be weak
But I promise I will emerge transformed

Perhaps you will no longer recognize me
Just a figment of your long lost memories
But as sure as summer turns to autumn,
it is my turn to shed what weighs me down
If only to make room for these new beginnings
Deep inside my new casing, you will find me
So please don't be afraid of this change
For I swear I will come back to you,
stronger than you've ever seen me before

They wait.
Patiently as the hours tick by
As my time is stolen away by mindless work
They wait
No matter how far into the night it goes
There's a comfort in knowing
As soon as I swing open that door that there they will be
Tails wagging as fast as their tiny bodies will allow
Barking sweet 'I miss yous' as I can see their eyes are drooping
A tiresome day of waiting
Waiting for me to return
Day after day
No matter how many times I walk out that door without them in tow
They are there to greet me the moment I arrive
My tiny soul mates
They are the truest form of loyalty and love that this world has ever had

I am human, and so are you.
We both have scars that dance across our bodies.
Telling stories of courage and sometimes defeat.
The only difference that lies between us, is some of mine are man made.
Made of choice rather than accident.
Made as art.
A reminder of our own free will.
Not to cover up the flesh I was given.
But to enhance it,
by letting some of my real self, be painted outward.

I am not made of the strongest of steel,
I was not created by copper, nor diamond, titanium, or zinc.
Forged from the vines that now interlace my veins.
Grown from roots that fuel my changing colors.
But I am strong.
Strong like the branches that do not shiver in winters cold.
I am born of the trees, and my roots run deep,
connecting me with the rest of this growing forest.
I am what I am, because of what we all are, because of what we all endure.
Every harsh storm that passes us, every drought that has tested our very being.
Strong because we have to be.
Strong because that is all we know.
But strong enough to know when a gentle breeze comes, to sway in it, to not resist, because it has no means to be our end.
I am born of the trees,
I may not grow to be the tallest of them,
nor will I have the most breathtaking leaves.
But sturdy I will stand, even if misshapen and petite.
And free I will be,
for no one can tell me how to grow.
No ownership can be slapped upon me.
I am wild
I am ever changing.
I am free.

It makes no difference how small or big the soul is, all that matters is that it is a soul

I have no heartbeat.
But rather,
bells that fill my heart's cavity
Playing soft tunes of Jingle Bells while
snowflakes melt and flow in my fireplace veins