I abandoned my dream
My bed, my little garden
And my pet.
I abandoned my past
With everything in it;
Ugly and beautiful the same,
Boring and funny and lame.
I abandoned my hair,
My midnight routine,
My nails, my skins,
My high and my mood swings.

I abandoned me
And sailed toward you.


-- Eleanor

The labyrinth within
Is mere usufruct -- I know,
A set of mind games --
A series of wrong turns
Like the line you said
Curves and forms a circle.
You give me vertigo --
Before spinning me around
Inside a dartboard
Between frames and numbers
You may shoot,
But please not the centres.

Because you're so unreal
That if you existed at all
You would be a ghost
A ghost with a snowball.


-- Eleanor

What can you say more
Any more black eyes,
Lungs filling up with tar,
Any more twinkly skies.

What can you say more
Any more than your distance,
Heart decorated with scars,
Any more of your absence.

I hear I love you twice a day
And I don't love you the rest.
I hear your boredom filled up
With you knowing I love you best.


-- Eleanor

What is it that is consuming
Your insides like fire
Did the Australian forests?
I ask you because
When you get so sorrowful
And you take your love for me back
It's exactly what happens to me.
And it's exactly how I feel now.


-- Eleanor

Boom Boom Boom
Three kicks and a snare
Three men, one stare.
Three words, one death
I heard you take a breath.

Boom Boom Boom
My glory at your feet
My heart skipped a beat.
You fed me off your crumb
You never told me
Where you came from.

Boom Boom Boom
Garnish, tarnish, vanish
I thought I had demons
Around my ring finger
But the tricks I know
At your corridor linger.
Picked, clicked, tricked.

Boom Boom Boom.


-- Eleanor

I love him
Like the knot in my shoulder limb
Only I like to touch him.

It hurts but I like
How it hurts.

Something broken
Something alive.


-- Eleanor

I barely wear my own skin
And you wear me out
Like washed out jeans
And the reputation
You gave yourself.

You see, I used to linger
In the void,
Without an etiquette
And I was twenty-four people
In a single day.

When you say we are here
For me and not for you,
I can't help but crash
And shut down
Like an old computer
And when you turn me back on

I am reset, but still broken.


-- Eleanor

This feeling takes me back
To five year old me
Who found a moon
In the daylight
And thought it was mine alone.


-- Eleanor

I devote what little time
I don't devote to myself,
Not to him,
But to me thinking
About him.


-- Eleanor

Flipping through faces
And names.
The ideal dies
In the animal.
The joy dies
In the lust.
The silver lining
Of the moon
Dies from rust.

But your eyes
Are diamonds
Made of stardust.


-- Eleanor

Hello Stranger,

If you and I
Somehow crossed paths,
Either be
In my favourite bar,
Somewhere in the playground
I played in at seven,
On an obscure chat room
For those who don't fit in,
In the supermarket
Holding a can of coke
To use as a chaser
For when I went laying down
In the garden of
This abandoned house,
In Bangkok Airport
With luggage so heavy
I couldn't smile at you.
If our eyes ever met,
If only for a fraction of a second.
If you and I
Ever crossed ways
Then you should know
That I just killed myself
And I hope you live the life
You always wanted.
Wish me well.

Goodbye world
I will miss you.

-- Eleanor No Longer

I, young and hopeful, dreamt you
With your neat haircut
And the laugh at the corner of your mouth.
I dreamt you calm and reserved,
Sharp and smart,
Smiling yet sad.
I also dreamt that you loved me.
Yet it took me years
Of desperate search
Among all mortals
And all fictional characters
Before I was blessed with your sight.

I dreamt you held my hand
And promised you'd come to me.
I know I waited long
Until I almost killed you.

I think I did **** you in fact
But you rised from the dead
And came out of my dream
To haunt me for real.


-- Eleanor

I hate you
Like the smell of crystal
When I can't afford it.
Like the smell of ethanol
When I am pregnant.
I hate you
Like the sound a coin
Makes against the ground
When I can't toss one.
Like the taste of regrets
Diluted in vinegar
When I am hungover.
And I hang around
Just to mess about.

When will the world end
And you abduct my mind
Must it leave a crack open.
Water creeping under the door,
Light creeping over the wall,
You creep onto my skin
Toe to skull, hair to bone.
When will the world end
And the socket of my eyes
Hurts to see you,

Just to tell you
I hate you.


-- Eleanor

I remember you
As you have always been,
in your purest form
Of serenity.

I remember you
Floating in an ocean
Of white and cold
And premature quiet.

I remember the rich
And stagnant signal
That connected to your unplugged senses
Through cables of life and misery.

You were peaceful
Right there with no gravity
And nothing to pull you to it
Like an old unforgiven crime
And cell bars of glum and metal.

I remember you,
Because I was right there
Next to you.
That's how our fingers touched
And broke down eternity.


-- Eleanor

Sometimes my tongue gets stuck
On sentences like, you are full of,
You are full of, you are full of.
But never really know
What you are full of.
I tear my lungs open
And offer you my shiniest gemstone
Ironically, when my ribcage
Is carbon and rust alone.
Your gaze reflecting in my window
Glass a ghostly grim
Foreseen and fuelled
By my own fire and anger
And juxtaposition.


-- Eleanor

I see your arm get blue
From the elbow to the finger.
You point to a full moon
And accuse her of adultery.

I see your eyes get wider,
Even darker,
They pour out of their sockets
Like spilled ink onto a thin sheet
And stain the tablecloth
The way she stained your bed
The way she stained somewhere else.

I see your hair change colours
To match your different zodiac signs.
Sometimes it's green, how envious.
Sometimes it's amber, fierce yet delicate.
Sometimes it's black,
When the constellations are nowhere
To be found.
Sometimes it's black, when you look at me
And see nothing.

I see your tongue get a sharp red,
And you talk an alien language
I have to decode every word
With its own algorithm.

Then I see the rest of you turn blue
Turn blue, turn blue.


-- Eleanor

Everybody has a sacred spot
A river bank, a temple,
A state of mind --
I climb up
Onto your weirdest thoughts
And lie down
In a trippy cold space.
My eyes closed,
Your heart locked --
My feelings
Gush in a rush
To be modelled and shaped
Into a mixture of nothing,
And the desire
To see our shadows
Dance together.


-- Eleanor

If I leave
To plant my seed away
From your toxicity,
It is out of must
For I am a flower
And couldn't exist
Any other way.

You don't taste bad, no
In fact, you are the sweetest
Nectar I have ever tasted,
It might do others good
As for me,
It suffocates me.


-- Eleanor

Can someone, anyone
Please tell me how to stop,
How to drop,
How to mop
My love for him
So that I am never
Open again.


-- Eleanor

He was a pianist
But instead of the piano
He preferred to play
Grand Hearts.


-- Eleanor

You render them
All pale
And faded.
When I learn
To be of them
Less jaded.

You appear,
Our bottles meet
Somewhere between
The darkness
And the night
With a frail light,
A slight line
Of comprehension
And a thick line
Of love.

You render all
That breaths
In my life
A rather
Dead thing.


-- E

His actions hurt,
His words heal.

His eyes when open
Are quite unreal,
His heart in his hands
Dead and half sealed.


-- Eleanor

Lately, you have been making me miserable
It's going straight to my stomach
And sickening me like bad wine
Or at least that's what I've been thinking.

But the truth is
You have always made me feel miserable
Take a couple of days or give.

And I've just been noticing.


-- Eleanor

Not too long ago,
Slightly under two months
There were miles between
Who I was outside
And who I was within.
It was dark all around
Like a wallflower
That grew only in hell
Because it fed on fire,
And hell, didn't I provide it?

Not too long ago,
I thought and not only thought,
I felt that all I was within
Was needles,
And cigarette burns
And agonising stabbing.

Until lately,
Slightly under two months ago,
I woke up
With a soul cold like my bed
And that was not a surprise
But my heart warm,
Tried to flutter and take off
Like a butterfly
That fed on winter
To welcome the spring.

And that's the cycle of life
Between the day and the night.


-- Eleanor

How could you tell me
About space
And still get sad
About the smell of wet dirt
And suicide.

Even after the sun died
I would be by your side.


-- Eleanor

What came after your leaving
Was the sealing of my heart
Most of the time
I am unwell but well.
Now, every time
The radio plays a song
I enjoy very much,
Or one of my friends
Show me free verse
I enjoy very much,
My heart opens
And bleeds, not the joy of art,
But the sorrow of the day
We moved apart.


-- Eleanor

Maybe our bodies are processes in time
And time was born
To breathe in and out
And die.

Every breath taken
Is the universe expanding
Then crunching like a lung
And we are but particles
Colliding against each other
Out of desire to exist.

Most things don't exist, you see
Most things dwell in the vast shadow
Of the unseen, unexplainable
Probability of life and interaction
Is too bizarre to be coincidental.

So tell me who you are.


-- Eleanor

Certainty was nights
Of elaborate thoughts
About death and the morose,
The perfect vow and a white rose.

Certain were you of your pride,
Certain were I by my side.
Certain was a freshly manicured
Garden and our love her guide.

Uncertain now my hours,
Uncertain your words,
Uncertain everything we own
From the portion to her third.

Uncertainty our story is
Of constant lies and ignoring
When you come to me at night
And only then you want me.

I am certain about this uncertainty.


-- Eleanor

When I think of you
And a Synthwave beat plays
In the back of my head,
I don't think of Rambo two,
Nor bad guy vs nice guy
Cheesy pick up lines,
Nor a world of Vice City,
Nor Vanilla Ice,
Nor Sarah Connor,
Nor John Connor,
Nor a text based program
That sends lovely little notes
To your highschool sweetheart.
When I think of you
And Aha's Take On Me
Blasts keyboards right below me
All shying away
From a single thought of you.

When I think of you,
And a Synthwave beat drums
And races the BPM of my heart,
I close my eyes and picture you
Dead, stuck inside an eternity
Of colours
From your father's favourite T
-Shirt.


-- Eleanor

Where do you exist
Between everyone I knew
And everyone I'll ever know
And everyone I am, ever was
And will ever be?

Water is fluid,
Able to take pretty much
Any shape you put it in.
Water is so fluid
You could pour it
Inside your empty shell
And figure out your volume.

Yet, it has a characteristic
Unique to itself.
It will parallel any architecture.
And you parallel my design
At your utmost perfection.
Perhaps, just perhaps
It's the reason we never meet.


-- Eleanor