The whisper of hatred
The voice inside my head
Whispers in my ear
Before I go to bed

He says look at your life
Spent living in fear
Look at your your friends
Those you hold dear

Look at choices you
Couldn't make
Look at poisons
You wish you could take

But the same voice
That speaks of release
Warns of regret
Those you leave, not at peace

The voice of hatred
Screams with reason
Questions the feeling
Suicide is high treason

Hate the prison
Hate the flesh you wear
Change your look
Do they even care

These people- strangers
You wish to love you
Do they even look your way
Care like you do

About every misstep
Mistake you've made
Every feeling of regret
Thought you've betrayed

Why do I need potions and pills to feel
Takes copious amounts to help
Rid me of inhibition and
experience what will never be real

The missing pieces of my brain
Eat away at my soul
Extremes are all that I find
Ignorance is not bliss, only pain

Every time I speak this word
It loses its meaning
Trying to articulate
A miserable feeling

I make these mistakes
Confusing consequence
With
Realization

The war that rages within me
Only has myself as casualty
The rest are merely
Grazed

I spill my blood in confusion
My guts out of fear
I lay barren

I shed my tears out of sadness
My skin wishes not to be
Shed

I spoke to forget
Everything these nights, I feel
Leaves me with (never-ending) regret

Memory serves no purpose
I learn anew each day
The things I wish to forget
The rest fade to gray

Do you have time on your hands
Or only on your wrist

Free is the illusion
A sleight of hand a twist
Of the tongue
The bending of my own words

My words no longer say what I
Want them to mean
They form
Seemingly unseen
Inside my mind and flow
Seemingly unheard
On deaf ears

My words are softer
When they aren't heard
Like the touch of skin
Once burned

I never know what to say
Silence isn't an option
It feels more awkward that way

If I could go back to the past
Would I be able to fix my regrets
Or would I redo
Everything the same
Unable to
Overcome

My biggest obstacle
Myself

How do you tell
If someone likes you
Is there something I missed
A lesson on life I slept through

How do I show interest
How do I let them know
How do I get rid of this fear
Should I just go

I walk a fine line between finding
And losing myself
A few words from self discovery and destruction

When you close your eyes
Where does your mind go
Where do your thoughts lead you
I see darkness

My mind shows me darkness
The worst parts of me
Tells me why I can never be free
Why I won't ever feel

Showing me my past
It guides my ways
Tearing me apart as it stays
Fixated on my weakness

I feel miserable
As tears roll down my cheek
As memories flow like blood
Of moments I couldn't speak

Every open eyed interaction
Only cemented my thoughts
That I cannot and should not
Try

Try to feel
Should not want

My eyes close and I see only darkness

I want to find the joy I once felt
I need the validation
This world doesn't give headpats
It is unyielding in its apathy

No amount of singing or dancing will bring rain
Just as no amount of praying will end pain
I am truly alone when I am with others
For it is there where I lose myself

There is a disconnect in me
Something not quite right
I should be feeling fine
Maybe I've built up a resistance to my happiness
Like a drug

I fear the thoughts I have inside my head
They whisper words like blades
That cut me where it bleeds
Make me wish I were dead

I think I feel for you
I would bleed for you
And I don't know why
It doesn't feel like I know how to

I don't know how to love
Or feel a certain way
I'm only learning to feel
I don't know what to say to you too

I'm just trying to feel

red veins like a thousand roots feed the nerves
of my eyes that see beauty
for beauty is in the eye of the beholder
my eyes beholden only you

cavernous, the chambers of the heart echo your name
blood like a river carries the sound
to the ear canal, where you softly whisper
giving love where none was found

Life is a sick joke
Cruel to those who strive to be kind
I want to know
How do I see when I am blind

Am I supposed to believe
Let someone else take control
Of my life's reigns
Feel good inside my soul

Should I discard my feelings
Memories I hold dear
Leave  my judgement
Out of existential fear

I am a drop in a barrel
A sheep in a herd of cattle
I don't belong to this tribe
I don't have the right vibe

I distance myself
Out of fear of judgement
I know I am broken again
A caricature of man

A larger than life mockery
Of the human condition
I am a slave
To my demons' inhibition

When does the doubt end
I need to know
I'm asking for a friend
When do we get to go

When is the tour of hell over
Is there a stop at the end
Does it get better
Or is it just another blend

Pain tastes different now
No longer stings
It takes away the edge
It makes me feel things

Thoughts no longer my own
Feelings that should have been outgrown
An ache I cannot find
A lingering string of words on my mind

I don't know what hurts
Loneliness is a dull pain
Fear a torrential rain
I don't know what I felt first

Regret is a killer of dreams
Rejection fuel on the fire
Flames burning brighter
With sadness it seems

I have lived a timid life
Fueled by my weakness
Buried by my fear
Killed by doubt

And I see those around me
Scars telling tales
Lengthy stories of loss and fear
And I can't help

I can't relate
My life has been without
And I feel helpless
Weak in the face of true cruelty

Why has life dealt these cards
To those so undeserving
These beautiful cracked portraits
Filled with potential

Leaking out sadness
Only through cracks
They radiate smiles
But I only see the sadness instead

I want to reach out my hand
Take theirs in mine
But I am not enough
I will become enough

Feel your breath on my skin
Flowing through goosebumps akin
To single treetops on hills
Your single touch feels
Iridescent

I feel in colours abound
I breathe in waves of sound
My heartbeat mimics my feeling
It has me kneeling
At your feet

I wish to feel all of you
To know your depths true
To feel what you are
See you for the first time
Anew

The smell of you still lingers
Like sand slipping through my fingers
Slowly it fades away
How I wish it would stay
To remind me of you

I taste regret of my past
Feelings that should never last
I taste the shadows I cast
They taste so vast
Could you shine through

Could you help me
Set my limits free
Make me a new person
Reborn in your arms

Help
I've fallen
On my back
Head filled with despair

Thoughts of what I once desired
Flood my mind
**** my soul
Untapped potential spilled like blood

Wasted on me
No more desire
Clings to my actions
Only repetition keeps me moving

My youthful vigor eludes me
Time has stolen my passion
Life has taken my prize
I am left without

A shadow of what used to be
Alone, lonely
A comet in a sky filled with stars
Burnt out

It's been years since my last regression
Because things seemed to be going alright
No reason to be scared of the dark
No chance of being swallowed by the night

I've been feeling empty
Lantern burning its wick
The sun burns me
And the moon makes me sick

No end in sight
I walk along the sidewalk blind
Bumped into failure one evening
He seemed kind

I chose my path
Not knowing where it would lead
But it seems never ending, bending
Falling along makes me bleed

My road is red with blood
Watered down from tears

As the day draws to a close
and the darkness shows its face
I peek from my dimly lit room
and find the stars in heaven's place

The darkness holds me
in cold embrace
Keeps me hidden
Of my loneliness it keeps only a trace

In the night I hold the power
to control my own fate
I answer only to the unseen
unbound by others' gate

Silence drowns out all my screams
Failure chases away all my broken dreams

Drowning saves me from learning to swim
Running away saves me from dying within

So I ran to a place I felt safe
And I felt alone again

Isolation keeps all your friends at bay
Not that you have many anyway

Sin keeps you from grace
And chases you from the only place
You felt safe

Loneliness saves me from heartache
But which is worse?

My intentions are almost always pure
Selfish maybe but never
Filled with anything but kindness
And yet they're never really clear

My intent is weak
It comes across so lukewarm
And cold
A halfhearted smile and embrace

I care
I feel
I want
I swear I do

I wish i could hold my friends close
In a never ending hug
Console them, lighten their burden
Love them

I wish to feel loved
I want to know how to love
How to not feel alone
Happiness that doesn't come in waves

I want to be desired
Wish to feel alive
Be a better man
Than I am

I wrote to my future self
So naive of me
I wrote of happiness
And what I wanted to be

I burned this letter
From my past
It reminded of a better time
My delusions vast

I'm not happy
With what I'm doing
It fills me with such dread
And sadness

I feel lost in the moment
As my responsibility drags me along
Going through this 9 to 5 life
It feels wrong

I want to experience the world
With friends by my side
I want to feel bliss
But only a week ago I cried

I crave attention
And all the things I don't get
I crave feeling
Like I belong where I am

I want
What I can't have
I need
Something or someone

I don't know
What I need
Less what I want
Or how to get it

I can't express
My feelings without
Feeling like I'm oversharing
Being in the way

I feel lost
Alone
I need
Someone or something

To give meaning
To make me feel
Wanted
To give me reason

At least vision
Of what I'm
Supposed to do
Next

Why won't my eyes stay open
Why won't they close
Restless sleep
Haunted consciousness

I just want peace
But my thoughts
Haunt my dreams
I need release

No rest for the wicked
No rest for the weary
No rest at all
No sleep since last fall

My body feels cold in the heat of summer
I spend my days not feeling at all
I'm still reminded despite my efforts
Of my last call

My soul is chased around my body
By my heart and my mind
Running over my feelings
A feeling with words I cannot bind

Only an outline of the story
I wish to tell
Words like pieces
My soul I sell

To tell these parts of broken memory
From my side alone
Truly alone
Yet to see someone else's

Pieces
In front of my eyes
All I've seen are glimpses
Of pieces that I won't fit

I do not belong
To this puzzle
I am just
A piece without peace

Moonlit skies
Faded streetlights
A foggy road
Peaceful

But lonely
Why?

Why do I suddenly
feel so alone
Is it because I'm getting older
or just me

This used to be
a happy place
My aesthetic
Now I sit here alone

The city lights sparkled
And glimmered
Like the night sky
You were the moon

I bathed in your light
Only for a short while
Felt your touch
Till daylight stole it away

I need someone
to show me the way
to hold my hand
and lead me astray

to drag my heart along
for a ride of its life
to tear it apart
and show me what it's made of

I need a muse
motivation
I need pain
I need to feel

the past is getting old
its feelings grow stale
numb
they pale

in comparison
to fresh feeling
fresh blood bleeding
from an open wound

I need to feel
good
wanted
and unwanted all the same

Raw feelings
feel so good
hurt so bad
they are necessary

I wish I could say I had no regrets
But my past is riddled with mistakes
I blame myself
I don't forget

They fade sometimes
The regrets
Only to bleed like an opened wound
On a lonely night

I can't help but open
These scars
They are after all
Some of my fondest memories

Yet I don't feel
The happiness
They should represent
I feel the aftermath

Of my mistakes
Of my failure
To do
Anything

I tell myself I am cold
Unfeeling
I do not feel pain, loss
I am hard

But still ice is brittle
It melts.

Mirror, Mirror on the ground
You broke and shattered
Like my heart
Made no sound

The realization that now
I can no longer
see you
anymore

Why can't I say what I mean
Or what I feel
Why is my conversation always
one-sided, a raw deal

I never know what to say
To keep your attention
I feel unworthy
Is that the intention?

Is it just me
Or is it just what I say
That doesn't amuse
That makes people not look my way.

Maybe if I didn't try
It wouldn't hurt as badly
As it does
To fail so miserably.

Lost in thought
A train of thought derailed
A fantasy shattered
Glass

Reality is cruel
It brings me to my knees
Tears in my eyes
Tears in my heart

I am alone in this world
I don't let anyone in
It's not too hard
When nobody knocks

I curse my creator for making
Me feel sad
And alone
For making me

For showing me
What I could have
Then ripping it away
Cruel

Because I don't think
I feel
My thoughts are emotion
A feeling

I curse intellect
If I were less inclined to thought
Maybe I would overthink less
And do more

Maybe then I would have done
What I was too scared to do

Look through the eyes of a child
see only pure things
See only the innocence
not what evil brings

Wonder as a child
about the future not the past
faded memories do not concern you
they have all passed

Seek those who make you smile
Make others smile too
Seek happiness for others
And they will bring you theirs too

Never lose the sparkle
of childlike innocence
of naivety and wonder
as I have

There's a hole in my heart
where blood comes gushing through
A crack in the wall
A main artery too.

Out leaks parts of me
into the unknown
to be judged and ridiculed
no longer my own

Like blood from my veins
the words from my tongue
flow in one direction
fueled by my lungs

Words bind emotions and feelings
and carry them afar
to recipients who might not want them
leaving only scars

Out from he cracks crawl
my deepest desires
not lust
only envious passionate fire

My heart bleeds
for my foolish thoughts make it so
it bleeds
and the bleeding wont slow.

I search for meaning
In everyday life
I keep coming up empty
Where is the joy of living

Where are the happy memories
Where is the innocence of my childhood
The simplicity
Where is my purpose?

I looked in all the nooks and
crannies
For something worthwhile to do
I found only hobbies

And meaningless conversations
about a god I'd never known
Why is everything so hard
Why do I care?

Why do I seek approval
From everyone around me
Why do I never get it?
Why does it hurt?

Everyday I wake up and search for meaning
And fall asleep still searching.

What fills the void
The empty feeling in me
The hole in my heart
Surrounded by debris

I am empty
I've never felt
Anything remotely real
Only pain I have dealt

I block my feelings
I numb myself from self imposed loss
I saw ghosts
You saw nothing

But why does it hurt
To lose something I never had
Like a toy ripped from the hands
Of a child who never had

Anything to play with
He doesn't know what
He is losing
He knows only the loss

I mourn for the road not taken
I weep for things that pass me by
Regret fills me when I think of wasted time
that could have been better spent.

I regret doing and not doing all the same
Mistakes are made, only myself to blame

I fear rejection and what comes before
the broken courage and a closed door:
an awkward moment
A hesitant question

I bow my head as I always do.
A nod of acknowledgement
I already knew the outcome
it never changes.