i was finally able to exhale



i was in the middle of that glass room
surrounded by the most
beautiful of flowers
one can ever imagine

I breathed in again

and it started to snow
of course outside of the glass room

and the snow trickled onto the flowers
blanketed the green grass
and the ambience was that
of a dim snowstorm

we all know it

but in between
the transition
of exhale and inhale
the outside of the glass room
turned black
and i was able to breath again

The sign to my garden
in bright letters said
"DO NOT ENTER"
But you obviously
couldn't read
You entered
and ruined the flowers
I worked so hard to grow

The devil danced
and God blessed him

The angel flew to the ends of the earth
and God scorned him

The devil laughed
and God laughed with him

The angel sought Gods approval
and God became angry

All these things happening on
the edge of Jupiter's rings

The devil and the angel
riding on the edge of
Jupiter's rings

i borrowed souls in my pockets
tucked them away for the jazz party
on 30th street
and my braids bounced against my scalp
as i ran to the party
and i remembered
my ancestors cried over these braids
rice grains
engrained in these braids
to find my freedom
and my children’s freedom
and their children’s freedom
but most importantly
my ancestors cried
to help the little white kids
with boats find their rhythm
in a world that was made for them
and their case of white claws
but funny my ancestors rode a boat too

I try to think about
the consequences of
slit wrists and orange tic tacs

It seems miserable yet peaceful

A place of peace

A place of peace for me
For my family members
For my “friends”
For my coworkers
For my associates

They don’t really care about me now
but when I die they will

They will call us close friends
They will post the best selfie I have and write me an unread message on their social media’s
They might shed a little tear at the fact that they can’t call me to cry about their boyfriends anymore
Or because I can’t do their hair
They will use me for sympathy
and they will miss the whole point


It is about them and what they could have done to prevent it
If they would have just opened their eyes a little wider

Last month I went to the hospital
with
“Chest Pains”
I had a hard time breathing
For over a month
I had this pain
I thought death was in sight
And I had even more pain
When I went they told me I had

“Anxiety”

I knew I had it but
they told me it was starting to affect me
physically

I thought about that...
I’ve gotten so accustomed to
this feeling of
Isolation & stress
not-good-enough
not-pretty-enough
not-enough

Everyday