103 years old
Empty
Like a camera
The most beautiful camera I've ever seen
She lost her memory card
If only I could find it
Somewhere in this rotting house
I'd love to pick through it
See the things she's seen
Who knows where she could've left that card
Maybe it burned in a fire
Blew up in a war
Fell apart at the hands of a lover
Got buried with the corpse of a friend
Who knows where that memory has gone
Who stole it
Or where she left it
If only she could tell us
I bet there's a lot she could show us
103 years old
And not a single memory left
How sad

I think it's possible that I'm entirely insane

I listen to Gogol Bordello
through surround sound
speakers in my living room
Fold laundry in my sports bra
Brew coffee all day long
I cry a lot
I write a lot
I paint a lot
My laugh is piercing
My eyes are glossy
My best friends are drug addicts
I prefer wine
And snow storms
And Netflix
I have a pierced eyebrow
I have a pierced nose
I've got tattoos on my arms,
Flowers growing up my right ankle
And 18 years of regret overflowing my skull
I don't care for your muscles
Or the ice in your ear lobes
I kiss hello
And I kiss goodbye
I like the smell of gasoline
I like the smell of ****
I run my fingers through his hair when he cries
He doesn't mind
If you sit in my seat,
I'll be sitting in your lap
I don't care who you are
I'll hug you from behind if you look sad
I'll feed you whiskey to cure your headache
I mop the floors, excessively when I'm anxious
I paint my nails just to peel it all away
I don't sleep
And I don't really eat
I smile without really meaning it
Throw out "I love you"s like water
Clean my sheets daily but forget to shower
I hate myself for smoking
But I've never really tried to stop
I over think everything you say
You can see my mind racing
from a mile away
And then my friends say,
"Not again.
I'm not takin your **** today"
But they do anyway
School makes me nauseous
Always has
Work makes me happy
Always has
I don't care for money
But I like to move
And I like to talk
And I need to feel accomplished
I sing out loud even when I don't know the words
I like to be home alone
But, I'll text you over and over and over again
Until you come keep me company
Just to know that you care
I need constant reassurance
Because I've spent most of my life hating myself
And I'm perpetually afraid
of revisiting that feeling
I hate the beach
I hate to drive
I'm nostalgic all the time
I think of life like a ticking time bomb
Counting down the days til I die
I'm wired
You can see it in my eyes
I'm worried
You can hear it in my voice
Always worried
Worried about someone
But I'm the one who's falling apart
Right at the seams
I invite people into my bed too easily
Invite people into my heart even easier
I don't get annoyed
And I don't get angry
I have love pouring out of my veins
There are certain songs I can't listen to
Without chocking on my own tears
There are certain faces I can't look into
Without chocking on my own tears
I'm obsessive
Compulsive
Impulsive
I'm an over-sharer
I'm an over-carer
You said I've got it all figured out
I'm just good at hiding my fear
I sweep it under my tongue
I don't know much
But I know that I'm gonna be okay
Wish I could say the same for you
Oh what I'd do
To say the same for you

You left your smiles,
just like photographs in my skull
I count them at night when I can't
find sleep, anywhere in the dark sky
You left your smiles,
just like photographs in my skull
You don't wear them anymore
I'm waiting for the day
that you ask for them back
I want you to have them
I don't want to keep them,
just to watch like a home movie
I don't want to keep them,
if I can't hold them,
if they're intangible
I used to trace them with my right pointer finger
And brand them with my lips
Now they're all locked away,
Packed up for an other day
Resting in the old wooden trunk
that collects dust in the back of my mind
I wait patiently here
Between the walls you used to rest in
I wait patiently here
Hoping you'll come to collect them
I miss the way they'd move across your face
Rise up and fall back down again
to the pace of your heart beat
I miss the way you'd move across my rib cage
Rise up and fall back down again
to the pace of your breathing

It's 4:30 in the morning
And I'm crawling out of my skin
Your words have been playing on loop,
for six hours straight inside my head
This house is excessive
I can feel all of the empty space
Weighing on my chest
Sometimes I wake up to the sound of my
own pain, echoing through the walls
The floors creek when you're not home
The sink never stops dripping
It mocks me as I wait for something
That's never coming
I'm exhausted
But I don't think sleep is
Stopping by this week
I left it in your pocket
You took it with you
I haven't had it
In at least 3 weeks
I'm falling apart
I might tear our room down with me
Maybe then you'd come home
Rebuild it
Or just set it on fire
Finally
Watch it all burn away with me
If only you'd burn away with me

I woke up in a pool of my own blood
Stood out of bed with shaking legs
Felt it drip down my thighs
Made it to the bathroom
Threw up twice &
Cried
And I cried
And I cried
And I was cold
For an hour or so
Then I sweat until
I couldn't catch my breath
And I sweat
And I sweat
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
For the nightmares that would follow
Swore I wouldn't blame you for the pain
But you didn't sit at the edge of my bed
You didn't sing me to sleep
When I needed it most
I walked outside
Once I felt strong enough to move
I contemplated getting in my car
I wanted to make it to the hospital
But I knew part of me didn't want to make it
Out alive
So I sat down
On a lawn chair
And lit a cigarette
I pulled my knees up to my chest
To avoid the shattered wine glasses
Below my feet
The wind blew lightly
Rocked the water in the pool beside me
I wanted to dive in
But I knew part of me wouldn't want to
Swim back up
So I sat
On a lawn chair
With my knees up to my chest
For eight hours
And when the night swallowed the sky
I cried
And I cried
And you didn't sing me to sleep
You never do anymore
And I swore I wouldn't blame you
But it's getting harder to stay true
Knowing that a part of you
Died inside me
A part of you died inside me
I'm sorry
But the same part of you will be the death of me
I swear
And that's a promise I will keep
I'm sorry

I think love,
for as much of it as I've felt
is nothing more than drawing
lines and watching someone
beautiful cross every single one
Building walls and watching someone
understanding knock down every single one
It's sending your guards home
Opening your gates
Forcing your eyes to focus
on this person's face
even when they're begging to shy away
Choosing their voice over sleep
And their hands over warmth
Because suddenly
the world makes so much sense
Or no sense at all
And you're deeply deeply
passionately depressed while you are
simultaneously experiencing a happiness
much closer to euphoria
It's unrealistic
It's illogical
It's terrifying
But you feel so much safer than
you ever have in your life
And all of those feelings together
outweigh the possibility of the
worst heartbreak you could
ever wrap your head around
You're never bored
Or uncomfortable
You'd do anything to stay right where you are,
no matter the conditions
as long as your love stays right there too
But you're tortured by that
shaking voice in the back of your skull...
The one that says
Nothing lasts forever
And you swear even after all the
Hell you've been through
It's this that will be the final death of you

I don't blame you
for the way it feels
to wake up vomiting
I don't blame you for
the pounding headache
Or the stupid ******* cravings
I don't blame you for the swollen
limbs or the ****** sheets
I don't blame you for the nasty taste
this medicine leaves on my tongue
I don't blame you for the "shrinking clothes"
I don't blame you
Because I was a part of this too
And I don't blame you
Because I really do love you
But if you walk away,
I swear I will always blame you
for my disgusting mental state
I don't ever wanna have to say,
"I saw this coming"
But I will

Every bite feels like a death sentence
& I wonder if I'm the only one,
sitting in front of a mirror,
writing my flaws on the inside
of my palm & pouring my stomach
down the shower's drain.
I don't know how I got this way
I was doing better day by day
But do people ever really change... ?

It was four in the morning
The noises I'm so subconsciously
dependent on were as absent
as all of the people I'm so consciously
dependent on...
I've never experienced a silence
so untouched
and equally dysfunctional.
Outside of my racing mind
& shaking hands
the earth was dead
or sleeping.
It didn't seem to make a difference.
I could've shut my phone off.
Inhaled the night like my last cigarette.
Let the insanity take its toll,
and fade into my driveway
but instead I called
and I called
and I called
without an answer...
Maybe if I just leave my foot
like a weight to the gas pedal,
close my eyes
and let go of the steering wheel,
I could reach some sort of fate
Reveal some twisted destiny
"She was born to die young,
You could see it in her eyes"
Am I suicidal?
No
Not anymore
But I'm lost enough
to think that my car
has a better chance of leading me
to where I need to be than I do
And if I need to be laid up in a hospital bed
Or arms crossed, six feet deep into the ground
So be it
At least then I could stop wandering
Rest this aching skull
Rid my soul of it all

As kids when we'd come screaming from our dark rooms
In the middle of the night
Telling tales of ghosts and goblins
Creeping around us as we slept
they'd teach us to open our closet doors,
Or crouch under our beds
"Peer in
& you will see,
No monsters"
They said...
But they never taught us to
Close our eyes
And peer into our minds
Probably because they feared what we'd find

You said my technicolor
nose ring was weird
And then you laughed
Gently
At the shock in my eyes
And said,
No I like it
It's weirdly pretty
I think I'm gonna call you tonight

I know there are a lot of people
who are willing to say that
they hate themselves
But you can usually tell which
ones actually mean it
It's a heartbreaking thing-
to watch someone loath
their own existence
I never said it
Because I wasn't looking for
a comforting disapproval of my
disordered thoughts or a
flattering disagreement about
the way my hair fell or the size of my waist
I didn't care to be persuaded otherwise
I didn't consider it a possibility to think
any differently and so
I left it inside my mind
And that's a small part of the reason why
I knew it was entirely real
And still,
I can't honestly describe
exactly what it's like
It's not all violent
Depressing
Ugly
And
Dark,
hating yourself
It doesn't beg to scratch its
way out of your skin,
hating yourself
It stays hidden inside your skull
And no one outside of you
seems to have the intuition
necessary to connect the dots
The way you step over yourself
Like a grave
You don't think twice
You're not your own concern
You're looking at the people
who live all around you
Just to avoid the person who lives inside you
Doing everything in your power to make
sure they are as okay as they can be
Because you have decided you'll never
recover but you long to
see someone else rise out of the rubble
He loved me mercilessly
And I loved him painfully
But I couldn't bare the burn
of his eyes focusing on mine
I felt like I was the punch line of some sick joke
There was no way someone so flawless
Could care for someone as plagued as me
So I pushed and pushed and pushed
Until the distance was evil
But somewhere along the love I had for him
I found the love I have for me
Burrowing itself into the ground
I grabbed it by the ankles
And pulled it from the soil
He's long gone since
And now I just can't understand
Why there isn't a person in this world
To love me as much as I do
What's wrong with their eyes
What's wrong with their minds
I'm fine
So fine
What are they missing
When they look me in the eyes?

I calculate the inches in which your smile
has fallen every time I see your face
So don't you dare try to tell me
that you're doing okay
You're dropping clues
inside your voice
I can hear it break
You can only hide in your skin for so long
It's thinner than you think
And you don't know the lengths I'd go
Just to find that ***** blood
You've got tucked away inside your veins
I'll cut you right open
With the questions you don't wanna answer
I'll come flooding in
Until your gates come crashing down
I'll find the pollution you're storing behind them
And learn how to clean it
Before it reaches your heart
I won't let you live like this
You can't get away with all this pain
Your acting days are coming to a close
Your truth is reflected in the spotlight
On your stage
And I'm pulling strings
to make a change

I sat next to a heart that I knew was breaking
He laughed along to the rhythm of the room
And only broke his pretty little smile
When he was sure no one was watching
But I never really looked away

You've got a sign flickering in your eyes
that says,
"Caution: Fragile"
I know you're breakable
I know you don't wanna fall
But if you just let go
Just this once
Stop standing so tall,
Anchored to the floor,
So strong
I promise
I will catch you
And I will hold you in the palms of my hands
For as long as you allow me
I will not drop you
You are fragile
Teetering on the edge
But I am broken
Shattered
Reaching from the bottom
Just to hold you
I think we can help each other
You are not beyond repair
I am not beyond repair
For all the Hell you've seen
I wanna show you how beautiful you are
And so repairable
You are repairable

I'd swallow gasoline
          Set myself on fire
                          Start my skin all over

                                                     I'd rip my hair
                            Strand
                                              by
                       strand
                                     Right out of my
                                        aching skull
           Weave  
                       it
                          back
                                 ­  together

                                         I'd throw up what's left
                                         In my stomach
                                         And then I would
                                         Refuse to replace it

                       Just to feel like my body
                                                    Deserves­
                              yours

                           ­                             Just to feel like I fit

                      Pretty
                               Little
                                       Right
                         Next to you

                                                        You say I do
                                                              ­  But
                                                  I don't believe you

                 I never will
                                     Until I'm
                      Skin
              And
       Bones
                 And
                        Fake
                               And
                                      Fake
                  ­              And
                        Fake
                An­d
                       Flawless
                                     Barbie
                                                Perfect

There's nothing more peaceful than the
way your sentences drag on until
they stop making sense just before
you fall to sleep
And there's nothing more beautiful
than the disheveled look
in your eyes when you
first come alive beneath a
Sunday morning's sky
You'll press snooze at least ten
times before you bother to sit up
And I'll sit silently hoping you won't
say you have to leave at all today
Because
Your yawns are contagious,
your tears are too
And I get completely lost
in every single thing you do

If its not about you anymore
Who am I aching for?

I tasted happiness
But it was fragile**
I breathed it in too deep
And far too fast

We look at ourselves blindly and carefully
We cannot see our biggest issues
But we will find our smallest flaws

Most of the time
the people we accuse of judging us
see us in a less distorted light
than we see ourselves

And a lot of the time
we need them to shine
that light on us & show us what
we've been missing
The good
As vividly as the bad

I wrote it like a poem
Poured myself into every word
The only difference is
you'll actually read it
You'll read it and you won't call it art
You'll just tell me you're sorry
You would if you could
But you're broken
And scared
And strange

I wish you'd just believe me
Or anyone who tries to love you
You're beautiful
I swear by it
So beautiful it hurts me
That eerie ache in my bones
I just wanna be here for you
I wish you'd let me

I wanna be the drug in your syringe
Inject me into your skin
I'll patch up those holes in your veins
From the inside out
I wanna be the vase you pick flowers for
and leave on your night stand
I'll bleed lavender into your dreams
while you sleep
I wanna be the water that flows through
the stream behind your house
Swim with me
I'll cradle you peacefully
I wanna be the pillow you rest your head on
Cry over me
I'll absorb your tears deep into me
I wanna be the CD you play on your way to work
Sing along to me
I'll take you there safely
I wanna be the broken glass
window at your mom's house
I wanna show you
I wanna be the rear view mirror
on your dad's wrecked pick up truck
I wanna show you
I wanna be the notebook
you filled with angry words in high school
I wanna know you
I wanna be the guitar
you first found yourself with
I wanna know you
I wanna taste the stutter in your voice
The brink of your vulnerability
I wanna breathe in your pain
Over a cigarette
On your back porch
I wanna breathe you in
*I want to be in your bed
I swear everything you
say goes straight to my head
I want to be in your bed

I was a pessimist
until I fell in love with a pessimist

The good will cancel out the bad if you let it,
I told him
Until I believed it