Morgan

Morgan Nov 2016

Tried to drown it
In razor blades
And crash diets,
Nicotine,
And self-induced *****

It swam back up to the surface
Angrier
And emptier
Than ever

I tried to
Occupy the space
With violent ***,
And tender kisses,
Fruit bowls,
And running shoes

It tore it all to shreds,
And growled at me,
Hungrier than ever

I tried to soften its edges
With poetry
And paint brushes
And some self-help book
From the sale bin
In target

It only got
More rigged,
I kept slicing
My fingertips wide open
On its corners

Like a shooting star
It would burst
& disperse
At night,

Breaking open like glass
And bleeding me dry
From the inside out

When I moved back into my sister's
She told me that she saw this coming...

Everyone always feels it inching closer,
But no one ever tells me to
Move out of the way
Until it's too late

You can't **** The Void
And you can't fill it either

You can only give it
New life

You can only plant flowers
In the center of it,

Where the earth is damp,
Dark, and frozen,

And you can hope that
On certain summer
Mornings
When you feel safe
And free
And welcome in your own body
The sunlight might make its way
Into your belly and
Nourish your flowers,

And that one day
You'll have collected enough
Sunshine
To say

The Void is no longer a
Graveyard
It's a
Garden
And I'm not
Afraid

(i'm no expert but i'm here if you need me)

Morgan Nov 2016

Cotton Candy *******

I know you think
I wear lipstick everyday
And my hands always
Smell like
Chai tea and raspberries

I know you think
My tongue always
Tastes like
Melted sugar
And peppermint

I know you think
I sleep in the same lace
Underwear
You find me in
On certain Sundays
In the spring
When the air is light
And my jeans
Don't stick
To my thighs

I know you think
I'm larger than life

Above chipped teeth
And bruises
And cigarette ash
And acne

I know you think
My eyes don't turn
Blood red
And poison
When I cry

I know you think
My finger nails
Are always
Freshly painted

And I always wear
A bra
That fits

I know you think
Yoga pants are
My comfy clothes,
Never gray sweat pants
With a faded red stain
Between my legs

I know you think
My calves are always
Soft, hairless, and toned

You think
I wait by the phone
With vanilla incense
Burning in a red robe

But you're wrong
And that's impossible

I won't let you in
Cause I won't be
The one
To shatter
Your whole
Pretty, little world

I'm disgusting
Sometimes

I sleep with
Way too many
Girls and guys

And sometimes I cry so much
My eyelids peel
Til I look like
Leather face
And I don't leave my house
For 8 days

And in those 8 days
I shower
Maybe twice

My skin gets rough
In the winter

Right now
I have a
Pimple on
My left shoulder
And every morning
It looks a little
Meaner

My ***** spill
Out over the top
And the sides
Of my favorite
Sport's bra

And I don't care

I smell like burnt oil
And cheap hair dye
Half of the time

I haven't washed
My sheets in a while
And they smell like
Salt water
And chlorine

You put me up on a pedestal
From which I refuse to fall

So I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable

You'll never love me
With sticky tampons
In my garbage can
And half drank beer bottles
On my bedroom floor

I'll stay here,
Far,
Untouchable,

Safe

Morgan Nov 2016

Break My Ribs to be Narrow

Last time you leaned against my bedroom wall,
You told me that I'm just "not enough" anymore,

But I've been thinking a lot about that lately
And I've determined
Maybe,
I'm not enough

Maybe,
I'm more than enough

Maybe,
I'm too much

Maybe,
You can't hold my hips
In your hands

Maybe,
They're too wide

Maybe I sprawl out too far
In your bed

Maybe,
My heart doesn't fit right in my chest

Maybe,
It's bigger than yours

Bigger than her's

And maybe
My voice is too heavy

Maybe,
It cuts the silence with too much force

Maybe,
You need less of me

Perhaps
While you're gone off
I'll learn
How to whisper

How to leave
Before I'm finished

How to curl into a ball,

How to make my limbs short,

My body small

Perhaps
While you're in space

I'll take up less space

I'll stop skipping steps,

Jumping off of staircases
Just because I can...

I'll be gentle,

Quiet,

Soft,

I'll fade into the background

And when you feel like
Leaning against my bedroom wall again

I won't stare into your chest
With eyes that burn holes
Through galaxies...

I'll just tilt my head
And look at your feet
Vacantly

I'll make you feel

Bigger

I'll be small

Smaller

Smaller

Until
I

Deteriorate

Or

Evaporate

And then
You'll stand
Beside my
Ashes

And then
Only then

You'll say

"I loved her anyway"

Morgan Nov 2016

Pace Maker

I know I'm the only one who can save me
I know you aren't big enough to make me whole
I know my pain is darker than anyone is bright
But right now I need a reason to wake up
I need a reason to feed myself
Or I swear to god
I'll sleep until
I starve to death
Or just fade into
The emptiness

I need your words
Like subsistence
To hold my brain over
Until I can bear
To give it what it needs
On my own

I never wanna be

Without you

But I know

We die alone

And

I need to know

How to breathe

When you're

Not here

You

Can't

Always

Be

Here

I know

I know

I'm clingy

But I'm really

Really

Afraid

Of the

Dark

And

You are
The

Only

Source
Of

Light

Left
In my

World

Morgan Nov 2016

Suburbia, Red-Handed

Have you ever seen
A loved one
Floating in the sky...
Fastened to a rafter
Blue and broken
With the fear
And the anger
Still hot in their eyes?

Have you ever seen
A loved one
With clouds forming
In the corners of their mouth...
A needle hanging from
A protruding vein...
Poison still
Running laps
Beneath their skin?

Have you ever seen
A loved one
Tangled in
Metal and broken glass...
Radio still playing,
Blood still flowing out?

I hope you find a place
That's safe and warm
And stimulating
And ******* real

Cause,
We used to think drinking
Whisky out of mason jars
Made us interesting
But now we know
We drank whisky out of mason jars
To escape our pain & our boredom
Just like everyone else

Well,
Boredom ate my friends...
Swallowed them whole...
Left them begging,
Begging for more

My dad said,
"Leave now
While the roads
Are still clear"

There's a better me
On her way out the door

Morgan Nov 2016

Morphine Drip Politics

I get paid to make bonds with terminally ill people of all ages & I'll tell you what I've learned:

On your death bed
It won't matter
Whether or not
You changed the world,
All you'll want
Is someone to talk to

(So be nice. Hold on to your friends.)

Morgan Nov 2016

Plastic Christ, (My heart's breaking in my chest)

I'd hang your flaws
In picture frames
All over my bed room walls
Before I'd look twice at
Their qualities

And I'd kiss the stab wounds
In your back
Before I'd reach out my hand
To save their sinking halos

I'd rather be a comfort
Battling alongside you
In your worst nightmare
Than live a single day
Of ease
In their
Dream world

I know this isn't what we
Had hoped for
When our parents
Read us fairytales

But my mind is only
Quiet when you speak,
I only feel at ease
Between your sheets

So,
I'll listen to you sobbing
In a cold, concrete stairwell
Every day
And I'll ignore
All the soft songs
They sing in warm
Living rooms
All over the city
If it means we can
Go home together
Again

If we're a stretch,
I'll reach for you
Until my arms fall off

If this is suicide,
I'll hang this noose
With so much pride