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595 · Feb 2018
The Storm
TreyOctober Feb 2018
In my storm, I lost you.
I so strongly despised
How one could look past this darkness in my eyes
My heart filled with ice, my hands covered in blood
Looking around so lost
Swept away from the flood
No strength to hold on
The waves are too high
Searching for answers
I hold my hands together and scream at the sky
During a storm of depression.
590 · Jun 2020
I Want All of You
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I want your touch
Your laugh
Your love
Your hug

I want your soul
Your eyes
Your skin
Your grin

I want your kiss
Your breath
Your lips
Your hips

I want your worst
Your hurts
Your tears
Your fears

I want your anger
Your discomfort
Your bad
Your sad

I want your stress
Your dismay
Your sick
Your ticks

And most of all
I want all of you
Here.
500 · Jan 2021
Loosing my mind
TreyOctober Jan 2021
I could burn down the forest
I could burn down the trees
I could curse the sea
Deny reality
and not feel a ****. thing.

I could fight
I could stay up all night
I could sleep
or I could keep
Loosing my mind.
405 · Jun 2020
Him
TreyOctober Jun 2020
Him
I know he is going to take my soul
He left and it's raining
Freezing on my skin
Maybe it'll wash him away?

He is in the jokes I say
And the food I eat
He's all around me

He is gone
Taken my spirit along
I'm here
Waiting for a piece of him
A feeling of him.
TreyOctober Feb 2018
I thought I'd be numb by now
I am no stranger to your pain
Repeatedly I reach into my heart
Failing to sever the vein
One that connects my love for you
There is no longer anything to gain
Be gone from me
Cause me no more shame
Falling into your tricks
Playing your sick mental game
Father is what you never were
It's only a name
Every year you call to promise change
Why am I always surprised when it all stays the same
I can no longer stand beside you
A daughter you will never claim
Pictures is all we ever were
In a cheap little frame
369 · Jun 2020
One Day at a Time
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I'll let you go
Just this time

Loosen my grip
Because you were never mine

One day at a time
You'll leave my mind

And soon,
I'll forget I left you behind

One day at a time.
356 · Feb 2018
Leave Me
TreyOctober Feb 2018
Ghost of mine
Please leave
Not to another soul
But to another universe
Drift off into the sky
Eventually too small for the naked eye
Leave me
Find another host to dwell on
Find another place to drown
I don't need you
Biting my lip
Clenching my teeth
Eventually trying to find a release
Leave me.
Let me be.
Before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I wrote this to the "ghost" that would not let me be.
304 · Feb 2018
Bad Habits
TreyOctober Feb 2018
I can no longer find peace
Not only in the world
But within myself
As it slowly moves across my skin
My worries wear thin
Each incision giving me an amazing feel
Setting free everything I pretended was not real
A deep cut sews my restless mind shut
Letting go of this pressure in my gut
My heart hurts
I am so weak
Before being institutionalized in 2013.
Getting help works.
267 · Jul 2020
Exhausted
TreyOctober Jul 2020
I do not want this sickness
Madness & pain.

The wind burn
The stomach churn
To no return

The fear
The waves
The craves
The maze

Looking up lost
Crossed
To no cost
To no exhaust.
250 · Feb 2018
Depressed World
TreyOctober Feb 2018
The stars are falling
The moon is blacked
The sun is depressed
My heart is cracked

The world has stopped
The time is dour
No longer moving
Dreadful is every hour

Humanity is out of oxygen
The flowers are asleep
The terrain is shaken
Listening to the oceans weep
248 · Aug 2020
Perfect
TreyOctober Aug 2020
I never wanted to be perfect
I never wanted to be sane
I thank you for the pain
and all the times you left me to drown in the rain

I applaud you for the example you have laid
Forcing me to be a woman, unafraid
A resilient woman who will never fade
A woman I would never trade
A perfectly imperfect daughter your toxicity made.
239 · Jul 2020
Vacation
TreyOctober Jul 2020
Today I breathed in the ocean air
Felt the salt in my hair
And drowned in the waves I wear

My sun kissed skin only wants to sleep
In water so deep
And listen to the ocean weep

I watched the sun set over the bay
Said goodbye to the day
And it only felt ... okay

Vacation is a break
But I cant seem to shake
This quake
This feeling.
215 · Apr 2019
A Letter to Society
TreyOctober Apr 2019
I used to believe that...
I was born with a hole in my soul,
I felt a bit too much,
And that all of these highs and lows are abnormal.

But what if…
It’s you with a gaping hole in your soul?
A dark abyss where your morals should stand
& numbness where your feelings should lay?

This unfulfillment I feel is not emptiness,
It is simply the absence of life that I crave in my soul.
The feelings that I capture only a glimpse of in my dreams.
The feelings that I endlessly search for..
They are here. They are everywhere. But they are hidden and so out of reach.
By you.

It's not that I feel too much,
It's that you feel too little.
And you've conditioned yourself to accept this absence in your spirit,
That it is just a part of life.

When I feel so low.. You call it an illness when you are the one who is sick.
This norm is not normal at all.
209 · Feb 2018
The Other Me
TreyOctober Feb 2018
What is mine & what is yours?
Agonized
Disturbed
And sore

A dissevered conscience
Another ambush from you
Or is this real?

Give me a few ******* minutes
I can subdue this
I can transcend you
183 · Feb 2018
Mania Me
TreyOctober Feb 2018
She looks, speaks, and desires to be free
Possessed, duranged, confused
This must be me?

Reckless, restless, so radiant
She is captivating
Deprecating and suffocating

The moon floods her eyes
The winds snuggle her thighs
The oceans kiss her cheeks
The clouds wrapping her physique

I’m stuck in here paralyzed
Demonized.. Yet mesmerized

By the woman who claims to be me
Struggling with my identity during a manic episode. I love her, but I am not her.
172 · Mar 2019
This Disease
TreyOctober Mar 2019
I find myself here
More times than I should.
The taste of nicotine stained on my tongue
The thirst for anything that will find me relief
Who am I really?
Because this sickness and madness takes over everything that I am
Sneaking up on me bit by bit, unnoticeable
Until it’s too late.
I’m so tired of fighting this.
The days I cannot make it to my bed
And the days that I feel nothing.
And everyday - the feeling of uncertainty.
The feeling of complete emptiness and loneliness.
The feeling that grips me up and rips out everything I thought I am.
The days I cannot recognize this person looking back at me.
This. Disease.
It is me.
160 · Jun 2020
Spinning
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I've grown tired of the person I am
Pouring my all into every soul
Frightening everything in my path
I am a cold storm even I cannot withstand
A tornado that spins endlessly
Devastating the debris I pick up along my tracks
I cannot throw you out just as easily as I have taken you in
Will you spin with me endlessly?
138 · May 2020
Reality
TreyOctober May 2020
Accompanied by the full moon I lay
Dance with me in my mind, I say
Grab me by the hand and never leave
When I see you in my dreams
Please stay
You've left too many times ago
And I'm just not ready to let go
107 · Feb 2019
YOU.
TreyOctober Feb 2019
I love you, but i have to let you go.
You've damaged me more than you will ever know.
This love - I will always long for it,
pray on it, envy it.
But with a sunken heart I have to say,
"I'm Done".
Those words are so ******* familiar as I've said them so many times in this life.
So many times to....
YOU.
I need to cut out this toxicity that surrounds this detrimental relationship,
sever this deceptive, deceitful connection that continues to rip open these wounds I've worked so hard to sew shut.
"I'm Done".
Those words appear again, and again, and again.
But hurt so much deeper than the time before.
106 · Aug 2020
This Light
TreyOctober Aug 2020
I promise to keep this light
Shining bright

An everlasting flame
To protect from the rain
And all the pain

It'll dance in the wind
Thrive in the day
And never fade away

We'll watch as the ashes sail for the stars
Float back down to mend our scars
And allow the world to be ours.
100 · Dec 2020
My Lullaby
TreyOctober Dec 2020
Your love is that of a dawn's initial glow
As the city wakes to a kiss of winter's first snow
As the countryside arises to the sound of a rooster's first crow
With all of this I know...
I'll love you today, forever, and tomorrow.
87 · Aug 2020
Chasing
TreyOctober Aug 2020
I dream of sadness and I feel it in my wake
Reminders I'll always be broken, I can't escape
I give it my all to heal my mind
I get closer and closer, but I'm always one step behind
Its contents: heavy, cold, and out of place
Sanity, simplicity, and stability
I'm left here to chase.
86 · Jul 2020
Wasteland
TreyOctober Jul 2020
I'll let you burn
I wont look back
& I'll never return

I'll let you burn here where you stand
Bathed in ash
I wont lift a hand

I think i'll let you burn where you stand
To suffocate in your wasteland
86 · Jul 2020
Last Words
TreyOctober Jul 2020
What would my last words be to you?
Words so few
For a man I never looked up to
That I never put my faith into

I'd say I love you
Words that may never be true

Please say I could forgive you
Words way overdue
For the life you've put me through
Full of anger I could never undo.
80 · Jan 2021
God are you there?
TreyOctober Jan 2021
God are you there?
I've fallen asleep in despair
Woken along the edge of a sea
Like nothing I've ever seen

A breeze so gentle
The sun so kind
With water so clear
Untouched by mankind

But the sand began to swirl
and it swallowed me whole
My paradise is gone
and I've lost control

God are you there?
I've woken and I'm scared.
79 · Jun 2020
Day 1
TreyOctober Jun 2020
Day one, they say.
Day one is the hardest,
I agree.

But what about day 25
& 36?
Will I ever feel relief from you?

You need 2 things: chemistry and timing, they say.
Well, we've had one.
Is it strange to say I miss you?
That I've never connected with someone in the way we have.

I hope you come back
& I hope you save me.
77 · Jul 2020
When I left
TreyOctober Jul 2020
You ignored my words
Never asked about my dreams
You weighed me down
Until I busted at the seams

I threatened to leave
I lingered far too long
You thought id never go
You were so wrong

I gave you more than enough
I gave you all of me
I sacrificed my love
Including my sanity

When I left, I knew it was right
I belong here for the first time in my life.
76 · May 2020
Wasting Away
TreyOctober May 2020
Your glances still flood my head
The looks of love awaking in our bed
I'll love you forever, he said

There was love
Caught in the wind
I loved you endlessly, cant you see?

How have we reached this edge?
Blatantly blindsided by the path we've been led
Who has let us waste away?
Saying goodbye to a love you thought was forever.
75 · Jun 2020
Incapable
TreyOctober Jun 2020
There are times when
My nerves are numb
My thoughts are blank
& blood stops pumping through my frozen veins.

I have come to the conclusion I am incapable of "love"
I am incapable of perceiving this perceptual, intimate affection
The everlasting and hopeful joy which one feels towards another.
Do I feel it?
Yes. But briefly have I ever felt... well... anything.

There is no place or person I can call "home"
I look for it in everything
I have gazed for security in every soul ive ever met
I have searched for warmth in every room ive explored
But where and who can I call home?

I find love in myself
I find home in my comfort
and I feel more alone than ever.

I wonder why i've been placed here
with these people
in a place where I feel so homesick when I am home
Continuously searching for a place or person that makes me feel whole.
Inevitably seeking something that does not exist.
75 · Jun 2020
You were not there
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I can't help but see the old you glaring back at me
The old you playing games with my young mind
A mind that had yet to be shaped
A blank slate

I'm so happy you've been freed from the devil of addiction
I'm so angry why you've chosen this time in my life to do so

I've been left with these memories
Most of them which you remember as a distant dream
And those same memories that starve me awake at night
It's not fair god has chosen this time in your life

Those days I cried out for your help and understanding
Those countless days that I wanted to end my life
Those days I tried to end my life
I needed you
You were not there

You're still not here
And I don't need you
72 · Jul 2020
Evil Eye
TreyOctober Jul 2020
This place has a red sky
The air is bone dry
And there's no one nearby

I found a cursed bird who couldn't fly
His wings broken by a passer by
He sang a lullaby, a war cry
A warning of an evil eye

I heard a piercing outcry
A familiar sound I've come by
Yet, I could not identify

I chased the cry
Along the horizon of the sky
Until the sound began to intensify
At an old house I had come by,
A place I dare not glorify

And there, I found the guy
My blood began to solidify
Because it was I,
The evil eye!
71 · Jun 2020
Give and Receive
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I give, give, and give
Hoping to receive
Is there something wrong with me?

I love to a fault
Uncontrollably
and overwhelmingly

It must be true
That I'm through
Giving to you
The love I give and never receive.
68 · Jun 2020
That Fine Line
TreyOctober Jun 2020
The sun was beaming through my sun roof today
Illuminating all of those places you've touched
And I heard your voice
Kissing my ears

I arrived at my destination
And you brushed through my hair
Using the wind as a current

That fine line between lust and insanity
I walk it
I am there.
67 · Jun 2020
When You're Ready
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I hope you're happy
And she loves you as I should
I hope she stays here
She'll understand more than I could

I wish for your happiness
And your dreams to come true
Love her endlessly
Until she marries you
I know I said forever
But she'll see it through

One day you'll meet her
You'll both be ready
Open up your heart once more
No matter how heavy
It's time to leave me behind
When you're ready
65 · Jun 2020
Disintegrating
TreyOctober Jun 2020
She steps out of the shower expecting the water to wash away those thoughts
“Let go,” she tells herself
A deep breath in…
Let.
Go.
This doesn’t take away the thoughts
Those feelings

She dries herself off with a towel
As it scrapes loudly against her skin
The idea of drying off seems silly
It feels foolish

She wants to collapse down where her feel lie
“keep it together,” she tells herself
But moving to another room that feels just as empty is idiotic

Stumbling into the next room
She falls into the bed
Disintegrating.
62 · Jan 2021
Alright
TreyOctober Jan 2021
I'd love to tell you about my life
The pain, the sorrow, the sleepless nights
From the pits of my depression
To the fevers of my flu
From the men I've loved
To the heartbreaks that ensued

I'd love to tell you about my life
My love, my ambitions, the things I write
From the demons I've slayed
To the man I wake next to
From my happiest days
To the morals I value

I can't tell you about my life
But I can write it here and pretend its alright
59 · Aug 2020
Hope
TreyOctober Aug 2020
Say you'll stay through the day
& you wont fade away

Say you'll never lie
& you wont change your mind
& leave me behind

Say you'll fall
& hold me through it all

Say you'll be by my side
& be my guide
That our love will be magnified
Justified
& glorified.
59 · Oct 2020
Depression
TreyOctober Oct 2020
I feel loneliness everywhere I go
I feel nothing
I have no emotion to show
Just when I think I've escaped
I'm as lost as I've ever known

I'm tired of saying I'm sleepless
And I'm tired of feeling alone
I'm tired of being emotionless
And having nothing to call home

I'm numb to my core
I'm cold to the touch
Nothing is ever enough
And it's all just too much
50 · Sep 2020
Love
TreyOctober Sep 2020
I'm not one to say this is different
Because this is new
But I think I'm falling for you

You give the darkest sides of me flowers
The brightest sides more sun
Is it too soon to say
You make me love?

You give love a new meaning
And life a new tongue
I'm speechless
And my heart is strung

I'll hold you close
I'll hold you dear
And I know I'll love you year after year
49 · Aug 2020
In Heaven
TreyOctober Aug 2020
We'll see her in your lights at dawn
And feel her here as the days go on
Although it seems as if she's gone
She's where she belongs, in heaven

Dancing the streets of gold, she is home
Where her spirit may endlessly roam
Where she belongs, in heaven

Shine down your love
As we look above
At you, in heaven.
49 · Sep 2020
Something
TreyOctober Sep 2020
I sat on the cold step
Lit up another cigarette
A car flew by, stirring up leaves in its trail
And I feel ... nothing

I put on my saddest song to feel something
And I thought of you.
45 · Aug 2020
Tell me
TreyOctober Aug 2020
Take me to the ends of the earth
And the depths of your sea
Show me your world
And the things that set you free

Tell me what you bear
And scream what you hate
Reveal your fears
And what makes you shake

Proclaim what you love
And describe all you adore
Wrap me in your passions
And everything you stand for

Shower me in your knowledge
And the things you want to do
I like to be on the other end
Listening to you.
43 · Mar 2021
Vernal Equinox
TreyOctober Mar 2021
I tried to write this winter
but it was so cold
I couldn't find the words
I couldn't find my soul

There was no passion in my thoughts
or meaning in my life
The frigid air consumed me
As each day turned night

My hair grew brittle and dull
No comfort in my own skin
My wounds were split open
as I continued to grow thin

The things I once loved
Never seemed so far away
Until I was met by the vernal equinox
and longer became the days
37 · Jun 2020
Letting go & Letting be
TreyOctober Jun 2020
I am trusting the timing of my life
Letting go
and letting be
For once,
I allow the waves to crash over me
I’ll hold my breath
Stand tall and still
Embrace the rough waters
And love the time to ****

The universe will speak
And she’ll say it’s time
To grip back on
When to call him mine

I wonder about his face
And the smell of his shirts  
The way he combs his hair
And his past hurts

I hope he likes to dance
And plays with my hair
Laughs at my jokes
And deeply cares

Until then, goodnight.
26 · May 2021
Acceptance
TreyOctober May 2021
I always thought acceptance was key
take it as it is
& you'll be free

I say those words
but nothing comes out
How can you accept what is
without a doubt?

The pain digs much deeper
than accepting the hurt
It follows me around
it's stained on my shirt

Sometimes I tread water
Sometimes it weighs me down
The waves come and go
Other times I drown

— The End —