Was it fun,
Watching me dig my own grave,
How about when I tripped and fell in?
No. The most delightful part must have been dropping the dirt on top of me.
Watching me suffocate,
Alone and helpless.

That last image is burned behind my eye lids
That last message is burned into my heart
That last moment is burned into my soul

There’s a crack in my soul
There’s a knife in my heart
There’s a burn in my eye lids

I want to be blind
I want to rip my heart out
I want to sell my soul
For yours

Can we trade places
Can we talk again
Can we see each other

You were the glue
You were my roller coaster buddy
You were my best friend

Now you are a memory
Now you are a conversation
Now you are ashes in a necklace

Gods I miss you

You know I heard a bird today,
Told me what you had to say.
You know I heard some awful things about myself,
Things I didn’t even know until now.
You know I heard they came from you,
Someone I called friend til now.
You know I should have been angry when I heard the words you released to the world,
But instead I’m just sad and confused.
You know it broke my heart a little,
To hear the things you said.
You know I think I’ll lay down for a little,
So I can try to ignore this all instead.

It’s been a years time.
I pretend to be fine
Peachy and refined.
But I’m broken.
Can’t let people hear the words unspoken,
Because no one actually cares about these emotions.
Sometimes you let them out,
Then you get an unhealthy amount
Of awkwardness...
And loneliness.
Because no ones listening to what you have to say,
They just say sorry about your day
Never hearing the awful way
Your heart cracks...
And shatters inside you..
Like a heart attack...
Breaking but what can you do
Except sit there and hide the awkwardness
And loneliness.

I can hear you
Chip chip chipping away at your cage.
I helped you
Then got stuck in your place.
How does the freedom I once had taste?
Do you even remember the way these walls closed in on you?
Or do you not care cause now that you’re free it’s not your problem?
Well aren’t you just sooo sweet...

Gods I’m so tired of this..
I never got closure so how do people expect me to get past it..
Gods I just want it to stop because I’m sooo broken over this..
Gods are you even listening?
Can’t one of you make this stop happening?

I dreamed of you again,
Every time I seem to be able to forget about you and move on,
I dream of you again.
It’s like the cracks in my heart refuse to mend,
It’s like my brain wants a constant reminder of you.
10 years and now all I get is to dream of you again.

I woke with a start and reached for you.
You weren’t there and I remembered why.
I let out a sob and my tears ran black,
Like my tainted soul.
They burned on the way out as well
Like my soul was trying to burn you away from the inside out.
So I sobbed as I forgot you again for another night.
Eventually the tears turned to ice,
My soul freezing out the memory of you,
And I returned to bed, my soul numbed.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed,
Woke up with something wrong in my head,
Woke up feeling like the living dead.

I woke up to one of those days,
Where things go wrong in so many ways,
Where things on a Tuesday feel like mondays.

I woke up to a black cat crossing me,
Went under a ladder I didn’t see,
Hit a salt shaker and thought well everything comes in three.

But it’s okay,
Is what I tried to say,
As I sat there on a Tuesday that was like a Monday.

You sail in a sea of my tears & traumas,
You don’t care,
You dip your hand in to capture a drink,
It’s bitter, sad, tainted.
You, like everyone else, tell me to change it,
‘It’s easy’
You act as though I want this,
I have a choice in my emotions, reactions,
You act as though I can change the shape of my soul,
I can’t.
It’s unpredictable, the sea I created.
Unlike you, who sails straight through,
I’m drowning,
And I sink deeper and deeper,
As I realize you didn’t even care enough to spare a glance back,
I let go as I realize you can’t,
You WON’T help me.

Stop,
That’s all that runs through my mind,
Stop belittling me,
Stop lying to me,
Stop acting like I’m ignorant.

I’m trying,
Trying to understand,
Trying to listen,
Trying to help,
Trying to reason with myself,
Trying to believe I won’t fall pray to that monster known as doubt.

I fail,
Again and again, I fail,
I know in my heart something’s wrong,
I know in my bones something’s broken,
I know in the shreds of my soul that are left that I can’t fight anymore,
I let doubt in.

I doubt what I hear,
I doubt what I see, feel, and fear,
I doubt my dreams,
What made me... me.

All because I let doubt take hold,
Doubt that was placed there by others,
Others who projected onto me,
Others who let dreams come and go,
Others who lost themselves to doubt.

Because they were broken, scared, and sad,
They forced me to feel the same,
They accomplished their task,
That’s all I think as I lay there shattered, broken, and ripped apart.

I thought they were different,
But quickly found they were the same. Different sides to the same coin,
I have no one to blame,
But myself.
I let it all happen again.
I ask myself when will you learn?!
When will you learn to leave your thoughts anonymous,
Always quiet, always left out of this.
Obviously you can’t learn to trust the right people and always go for the wrong ones.
So why can’t I just keep my mouth shut,
Stuff the things I have to say down till the words cut.
It’d be better than blurting them to the wrong person again..
How am I supposed to trust people again?

What?
Is it something I said?
Did I offend your keen senses?
Did I make you sad with my observations?
Did I get a chance to defend myself?
Did I deserve the hate you spewed at me?
Is it wrong for me to be angry?
Is it wrong for me to be spiteful and finally say the truth?
Is it my fault you didn’t like what I had to say?
Am I the one who started this awful conflict?
Am I the one that pushed you to do those things to me?
Am I at fault for the anger I felt towards you after?
No, I don’t think I am.

Was I that worthless to you,
You said nothing as you left,
I thought it’d be alright when you came back,
But I was the last to know.

Was I so worthless you couldn’t talk to me,
You couldn’t act like you cared,
You couldn’t treat me how I treated you.

I tried so hard,
I gave as much as I could,
I lost myself in our time together,
And you didn’t even care.

You broke me,
And you didn’t care,
You ruined me,
And you didn’t care.

Was I that worthless to you?

14 I hated you
15 I got used to you
16 I got stuck with you
16 1/2 I loved you
18 you were my world
20 you saved me
21 you left me
22 is a sad time without you

You once asked why I didn’t have another person to share my bed with
You once asked why I didn’t have another person to share my heart with
You once asked why I was still alone
You once made it seem like you wanted to be that person

4 legs
1 tail
2 ears
1 loud bark
7 frustrating years
1 broken heart
And I wouldn’t change a thing

I hate this overwhelming feeling
The things that hit you at once and make you start reeling
The moments you hit the floor and can’t help but start kneeling
Broken to the things that you can never quite block out.

I found joy with you
Everyday a different adventure
Everyday a different memory committed
I’m sad those days are gone
I’m happy they happened though

I’ve come to realize I’ve given my affection to the wrong person for to long
Gave them to many chances to hurt me and then defend them
Yet I can’t stop myself from loving them like I did all those other times

I need sleep
I can feel my spirit breaking and my insides aching
I need a breather
But when I try I lose the air in my lungs
I need a break but all I can feel is myself breaking

When it came to her I wrote so much
But when it comes to you I don’t know what to say
My heart isn’t whole anymore
You took my words
You took my joy
You took my reason for staying here
You broke me
And you were the only one that ever could
The day you left and your presence floated away
You took everything left in me that day

I woke up this morning and cried
A flash of you crossed my mind
And it wasn’t what I wanted to see

I drove home last night and cried
A flash of your voice crossed my ears
And I realized it’s not yours

I sat down to eat and cried
A flash of your favorite food crossed my eyes
And I know you won’t taste it again

I now picture a sheet over you
I now hear parts of your voice
I now enjoy your favorites alone