Inside my heart melts a orange-gold hue
Spreading so far
Like a love flood for you
Inside my head crashing thoughts, bouncing feelings
Left down up right
I can't hold the mind still
Inside my soul a holy light reigns new
You are my glory my spirit
Bound with everlasting glue
No word describes this euphoria
As it exploded inside me
A crescendo of ecstasy
I am but a puppet
On your string
Strung on your love

Everything she is
A garden of rose's dancing
In the wind sways slow
Flowing unapologetically
With loves lost message
The blood runs thick
Red stamp, red stain?
She's pain!
A poison so rich so pure
An overflowing tonic that
I? distilled wrong
She's lost in a sad song
But she cries these tears
To feel and not forget
Everything that makes her
Everything she is

We said our goodbyes
We watched you pass
Our furry little friend
We miss you so much
Now at rest
High up above
Watching down on us
We loved you so much

Tomorrow we put you down
Because it's for the best
I keep telling my self
It's OK
But there's this pain
In my chest
We love you so much
Our furry little friend
Why is life so unfair?
Why does it have to end?
You're more than a pet
You're more than a cat
You're family
And that's that
We love you so much
It's sad to see you go
We'll hold you in our hearts
Everywhere we go

A bitter sweet poison
I crave every drop
Slowly killing me
Yet I cant seem to stop
Fell victim to your power
Your grips getting tight
I need you just to function
So wrong but so right
I fall and I stumble
Because you always have to win
So beautiful so perfect
My poison my sin

I have a voice
But I'm too afraid to shout
The silence is defining
I have a voice
Though I choke on my words
They linger inside
I HAVE A VOICE
Fighting to be heard

A fire burns inside my heart
Cogs turning but refuse to start
I love you
But somethings stuck
Help me please
I'm running out of luck

I'm scared
And I know I shouldn't
But I'm scared
Please hold me
Because I'm scared
Of...
Everything
Literally everything
I'm scared

Everything's wrong
But I know it's not
The future is happening
How can I make it stop?
I'm scared to death
I'm scared to live
I hate myself
I take a breath
Look in the mirror
I bite my tongue
I feel the fear
Plunge so deep
Even before it comes
Anxiety keeps me
From climbing the steep

I wish I was an artist
I wish I could paint you
Using every colour known to man
And hang you up on my wall
For everyone to see
I wish I was a singer
I wish I could write you a song
Play it on repeat
For everyone to hear
I wish I was a poet
I wish I could write about you
People need to know what these feelings mean
For every drop of blood I bleed
Is a drop of love that I hold for you
I write and I write
Because I cant contain this
I wish I wish I wish

I know this is right because you love me for my wrongs
Once lost in this massive scary world
My hearts found where it belongs
Warm and safe in your arms I now lay
I fall more and more in love with you
Day by day

I know I'm not prefect
Sin after sin
I could write a whole ledger
But where to begin?

I am a poet
That's lost all meaning
Words come together
Like a child crying, screaming
Dreaming of a way to make these words feel new
I am a poet
That doesn't know what to do
Writings not the same
It just feels different
Maybe the passions been tamed
Or maybe I'm just different
I am a poet
Or maybe I'm not
I used to write loads
Now I can't write a lot
If you were to ask me what I am I'd tell you I forgot
Am I a poet?

This river of pain bends and winds
I shouldn't have jumped in
Where were the signs?
Dragged by the current
Drowning in my sorrow
Lucky if I ever see tomorrow
Begging for air as I get dragged down deeper
Why does it feel like it's getting steeper?
The rapids of anger?
Waterfall of death?
Will I ever get a chance to catch my breath?
Try as I might to swim to the top
I feel close to the approaching drop
Begging, praying to escape this muddle
Clawing, fighting, this river wont beat me
I cling to dry land and what do I see?
The river of pain was only a puddle

You're everywhere in this garden
I cant escape your sight
Your the grass by the path
The Moss on the stump
Leaves raked up into a little clump
Algea on the water
Adding life to never-ending blue
Even the depths of that void cannot contain you
For you lay upon the riverbed
Dancing with the stream
You're the weeds in the cracks
Poking through my drive
You embody life in every single way
We'll miss you come winter
When your influence fades
When life feels ghostly
So we wait until spring
And watch you bloom again
You're the colour in this garden
Green Green Green

You're sad
Yet happy?
You're the sun
And the night
No light can escape
But you shine so bright
You're trapped in a loop
And still on the right track
Though one step forward
Is one step back
From our understanding
What we believe to be true
No colour in the world could ever describe YOU
So be the in-between hue
Be Zima Blue

You dance like the burning embers with fiery passion
Though never leaving the fire pit you burn bright and bold
Letting everyone you come across know you're there
Sporadic in nature, never truly tamed
Destructive as all hell
But such a pretty and warm sight
You're a crimson red flame burning down the night

Dark path before me
I've taken it a thousand times
But tonight I was scared of running in blind
Some internal thought holding me back
But this dark path ahead
I knew it so well
Fear took over and caused my muscles to quell
So I run back home
Safe under light
I let fear win

Why is my head so ******?
Someone please tell me
Why do  I drink to feel normal
I'm begging for an answer
Because if you dont know
And I dont know
Then where will this conversation even go?
Just repeat the same cycle
Stop that, try harder
Think differently
Well I CANT
So stop asking
Please
I'm begging please
My head is to ******
I dont think I cant be fixed

Gray clouds looming over my head
Darkness filling my thoughts with dread
Once peaceful a dream now a nightmare filled bed
How is this life? Am I already dead?

Last year I wanted to **** myself
This year I want to do better
Even when life's looking wetter
I heard when it rains it pours
Keep pushing through these pains and soars
But I'm just struggling
Keep pushing myself
Even if it can be bad for my health
I know where I need to be
And one day I will see
That I didn't just do it for me
Or you or them but my whole family
So look at me go
Keep running
And even if I get slow
I'll still finish the race first
And make sure all of you know
I still did it at my worst

I feel like we're made for each other
Maybe that's why I'm scared we'll lose one another
You love me even though I'm unstable
I love you like a never ending fable
Can something be this good without a fault?
I guess this loves definition by default
I know we'll be together not matter what life puts us through
Because you'll love me forever just like I love you

The weight of my actions haunt me everyday
My mouth is fed up from the lies I have to say
I keep drinking and I know its wrong
I honestly cant stop
Firstly I'm sorry Mum
But its the only end in sight
Even when I lie you know I'm drinking every night
I'm sorry that I'm not the perfect son
But I'm trying my best
Secondly I'm sorry to my Grandad
I know you spirit watches in shame
I really want to stop but addiction is to blame
The liquor hunts me, just like you do
I'm begging for your voice to help get me through
All the addiction and pain that I'm trapped in
I know you taught me better
I know I live in sin
Lastly I'm sorry to the love of my life
This is the year I want to make you my wife
But I'm worried that how I am will bring you down
And it would **** me inside just to see you frown
So please take this as my addiction resignation
I promise to quit for you and for me
Because I CAN'T do this life without you
When I was on my own I didn't have a clue
So I'm sorry for the lies
You all don't deserve this
I had to get this off my chest before it consumed me

Why can I talk when I'm too scared to do it
I have to say 10 times in my head before I go though with it
Sentence after sentence I keep practicing

Making sure I get it right?
Or just... Never mind
I know it won't come out right

Maybe if repeat it one more time I'll be brave enough to speak
Ok I can do this

"I think-"
Oh **** the moment just passed
Now I look stupid

Laying next to you right now
I feel so at peace
The world falls silent
And now you're asleep
You are my world
You are my sun
You give me life
And I sleep well
Knowing you'll be my light
Thank you for the mornings

I love you so much
And I KNOW I'm going to marry you
But I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you
I'm scared that I'll ruin your future as well as mine
I can already feel that I'm going down
A spiral of emotions that I CAN'T control
I'm sorry this is how I am
I'm so so sorry
I'm sorry

I'm living in fear of failure
Scared of taking a chance
Making a change
Driving me insane
**** MY BRAIN
I keep drinking to make myself feel ok
I dont what to say
Why was I made this way?
Lifes going well
And I've got a plan
But why do I feel like I'm escaping hell?
Someone show me the light
Get me through the night
Because I dont see a good ending in sight
I'm scared that I might not see this plan through
I'm scared of how I might effect you
Because I love you so much
And YOU dont deserve this
I dont deserve you
I dont deserve you

I'm scared I'll bring you down

You gave me life
And for that I am grateful
I'm sorry I take if for granted
You taught me right from wrong
And made me who I am
I'm sorry I cross the line sometimes
You're the reason I keep on trying
Even when I dont want to
I cant thank you enough
For everything you've done
I'm sorry for sometimes driving you mad
But I wouldn't ask for another Mum and Dad

A broken record, I love you so much
Low on battery, recharged by your touch
You truly are the omega of my heart
A beautiful painting, Gods work of art
When I'm with you, you cleanse my sin
There's so much to say, where do I begin?
On my darkest days, you get me through the night
When my path is wrong, you put it right
Words cant describe what you mean to me
If perfect was a word, you'd be what I see
Like a broken record, playing on repeat
Only you make my heart skip a beat
I love you so much, I tell you forever
I love you so much, we're meant to be together

We haven't spoke in a while
I hope you read this soon
Worlds apart yet I miss your presence
We only spoke for a little
But now you're gone
Please come back
Please come back
Just come back
Come back

Starving, craving, begging for a reason to keep going
Please tell me there is light because its not showing
I need every drop, every last ounce
I need a reason to keep showing my face
I tried so hard
Yet you still shoot me down
Then turned your back on your own ideals
******* for running my chances
******* for going back on your word
I cant believe I fell for your trick
I cant believe I took on your lies
How can I still see you as a friend yet pray for your downfall
I pray to go you dont win at all

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you
And you know that I do
You know the rage that sleeps within
You feel the pain creeping in
You hate me as much as I hate you
And when I look at you I hate what I see
I hate the fact and you are me

Where did you go?
I've lost who you were
You're the piece I'm missing
Where did you go?
Part of me wishes you never left
Part of me wishes it ended with you
All of me knows we were happier back then
Young, free and living wild
All of me misses that inner child

A hanus ***** born from the flame
When you do things wrong, I'm still to blame
Ugly in the face, heart and mind
A hateful soul Id regret to find
Using your hate yet you still lose this war
You're the ugliest soul I've ever seen before

Mortal words describing beauty so pure
Words don't exist for that I'm sure
But she was a goddess in my humble eyes
Mortal words hold many truths but many lies
Lying through the teeth like most mortals do
Though I cannot lie when I'm describing you
Because of you I know what I feel
Never I thought a woman could be real

To write about this girl is no easy task
How do you describe perfection?
I could tell you about how she makes me feel
How she calms my head when it gets to loud
How shes my guiding light when I'm lost in the crowd
How I can't go a day without craving her touch
If you couldnt tell I miss her so much
I could tell you how she brightens my day
Or some other basic cliche
More true is that she is my very world
In this neverending universe
The reason the sun rises to end the dark nights
The reason rain falls so we can dance in the puddles
The reason I strive to be a better man
There is nothing I want more than to see her succeed
She's not the girl I want but the only girl I need
I keep falling in love with her every single day
Shes the definition of perfection in every single way

Its crazy how one night can make me regress
I ****** up all my progress
Hating myself for a stupid mistake
Maybe my happiness was all just fake
Maybe I wasn't making any progress at all
Or maybe I'm always doomed to fall
I just want to give up and accept my fate
And let myself be consumed by hate
It's easier to go back to hiding in my bed
Praying that soon I'll be dead

And just like that I turn 22
Yet a month ago I didn't think I was going to see this year through
Coming to terms with my own mortality
I never thought this would be my reality
But here I am now, still alive
Years of pain I'd never thought I'd survive
Though the pain may never truly fade away
I'm glad I get to live to see another day

Please forgive me while I write
Lonely thoughts wonder the night
Choking on my sins alone
Sitting on a shattered thrown
Begging for you to hear my voice
Your arrogance was the right choice
Knowing this was my final fate
I should repent these sins before it's too late

I think I miss you
But you were never mine
I hate that's it's true
But I'm honestly not fine
Because even though you're not here
Im missing you everyday
Wishing you were near
Why do I miss you in this way ?

You're an alcoholic, please stop
Please don't drink until you drop
We need to keep going until our life ends
Keep on surviving for the family and friends
Who wants to see us live another day
I'm begging you stop drinking what else do I have to say

Ive wrote this for you to read in the morning
Now read this clear because it's your final warning
I'm begging you to stop drinking
Now I know what you're thinking
You say this to me every single night
But think about it, you know it's not right
It's slowly killing you
You know it's true
But what are you going to do?
Open another beer?
Please see it clear
I know you can escape this pit
The drink, you honestly don't need it
You've got that power inside
So please don't hide
Behind not being sober
Because in a blink of an eye I will able be over
So when you wake up with a sober mind
Read this all and you come to find
That everything I've said you know to be true
Because unfortunately I am you

I'm not good for anyone
It's clear to see
You know I'm a ******* drunk
Just look at me
I just keep sipping
Till I hit the floor
Stumbling and tripping
I can't even write sober anymore

What does your soul feel like?
Lost in a claustrophobic, neverending plain
Of love and pain
Gripping on the fake feelings you believe to be you
But will they ever be true?
What does your soul look like?
In-between the brightness of pure black
Or the hollowing emptiness of light itself
Where does your soul sit?
It looks so dim even though the flames been lit
So happy and confident living in despair
Your soul?
Is it really there?

There's a blank spot in my head
Filled with fear and looming dread
Surrounded by the scars that you left me
On display for everyone to see
All my sins put on display
Violent thoughts I can't even say
You left me naked covered in shame
I'm not saying you're to blame
But you opened up the blank spot in my head
Now wishing I was dead

I know you're out there
Waiting for me
I just don't know where
But I'll find you one day
I guarantee
I've wrote so many poems for you to read
Described the art I'm waiting to see
Hoping you wont make my heart bleed
I know you're out there.............

Waiting for me

You sold me a dream that I never wanted to end
But everything you sold was just pretend
Atoms ripped in two
And the truth bleeds through
Tears fell down like rain from the sky
When I uncovered the weapon you sold was a lie
Too arrogant to see past your cosmic gaze
That this dream was just a nightmarish maze
Now I'm sat here alone waiting for those atoms to realign
And turning that dream into mine

Part of me died trying to love you
And now I'm sat here feeling blue
Lost to time I wasted holding onto that feeling
Praying for my self to come back
Please cut me some slack
I keep feeling the same heart attack
Guess its just my way of healing
Blood running out my veins
A shell of my body remains
You left me tied to these chains
This love for you I keep concealing
Hoping how I feel is just a lie
Soundless screams that I cannot cry
Feeling like I'm about to die
Why was your pain so appealing?

I'm about to go to bed
Maybe I'll dream of you
Writing about you is new
Now thats all said
Please message me back
Please cut me some slack
I want to know you more
Your messages I cant ignore

As I look at your grave, I start to cry
All I can ask is why
Why were you taken?
Did it have to be you?
And if I'm not mistaken
You were only 52
Taken to young, why God why?
Why did you let my grandfather die?
You took a good man away from our family
Is this the way it has to be?
Can I not see him for even just a day?
I don't think you're listening every time I pray
Maybe I'm foolish maybe it's all just lies
I'm starting to think you're the devil in disguise