A hanus ***** born from the flame
When you do things wrong, I'm still to blame
Ugly in the face, heart and mind
A hateful soul Id regret to find
Using your hate yet you still lose this war
You're the ugliest soul I've ever seen before

Mortal words describing beauty so pure
Words don't exist for that I'm sure
But she was a goddess in my humble eyes
Mortal words hold many truths but many lies
Lying through the teeth like most mortals do
Though I cannot lie when I'm describing you
Because of you I know what I feel
Never I thought a woman could be real

To write about this girl is no easy task
How do you describe perfection?
I could tell you about how she makes me feel
How she calms my head when it gets to loud
How shes my guiding light when I'm lost in the crowd
How I can't go a day without craving her touch
If you couldnt tell I miss her so much
I could tell you how she brightens my day
Or some other basic cliche
More true is that she is my very world
In this neverending universe
The reason the sun rises to end the dark nights
The reason rain falls so we can dance in the puddles
The reason I strive to be a better man
There is nothing I want more than to see her succeed
She's not the girl I want but the only girl I need
I keep falling in love with her every single day
Shes the definition of perfection in every single way

Its crazy how one night can make me regress
I ****** up all my progress
Hating myself for a stupid mistake
Maybe my happiness was all just fake
Maybe I wasn't making any progress at all
Or maybe I'm always doomed to fall
I just want to give up and accept my fate
And let myself be consumed by hate
It's easier to go back to hiding in my bed
Praying that soon I'll be dead

And just like that I turn 22
Yet a month ago I didn't think I was going to see this year through
Coming to terms with my own mortality
I never thought this would be my reality
But here I am now, still alive
Years of pain I'd never thought I'd survive
Though the pain may never truly fade away
I'm glad I get to live to see another day

Please forgive me while I write
Lonely thoughts wonder the night
Choking on my sins alone
Sitting on a shattered thrown
Begging for you to hear my voice
Your arrogance was the right choice
Knowing this was my final fate
I should repent these sins before it's too late

I think I miss you
But you were never mine
I hate that's it's true
But I'm honestly not fine
Because even though you're not here
Im missing you everyday
Wishing you were near
Why do I miss you in this way ?

You're an alcoholic, please stop
Please don't drink until you drop
We need to keep going until our life ends
Keep on surviving for the family and friends
Who wants to see us live another day
I'm begging you stop drinking what else do I have to say

Ive wrote this for you to read in the morning
Now read this clear because it's your final warning
I'm begging you to stop drinking
Now I know what you're thinking
You say this to me every single night
But think about it, you know it's not right
It's slowly killing you
You know it's true
But what are you going to do?
Open another beer?
Please see it clear
I know you can escape this pit
The drink, you honestly don't need it
You've got that power inside
So please don't hide
Behind not being sober
Because in a blink of an eye I will able be over
So when you wake up with a sober mind
Read this all and you come to find
That everything I've said you know to be true
Because unfortunately I am you

I'm not good for anyone
It's clear to see
You know I'm a ******* drunk
Just look at me
I just keep sipping
Till I hit the floor
Stumbling and tripping
I can't even write sober anymore

What does your soul feel like?
Lost in a claustrophobic, neverending plain
Of love and pain
Gripping on the fake feelings you believe to be you
But will they ever be true?
What does your soul look like?
In-between the brightness of pure black
Or the hollowing emptiness of light itself
Where does your soul sit?
It looks so dim even though the flames been lit
So happy and confident living in despair
Your soul?
Is it really there?

There's a blank spot in my head
Filled with fear and looming dread
Surrounded by the scars that you left me
On display for everyone to see
All my sins put on display
Violent thoughts I can't even say
You left me naked covered in shame
I'm not saying you're to blame
But you opened up the blank spot in my head
Now wishing I was dead

I know you're out there
Waiting for me
I just don't know where
But I'll find you one day
I guarantee
I've wrote so many poems for you to read
Described the art I'm waiting to see
Hoping you wont make my heart bleed
I know you're out there.............

Waiting for me

You sold me a dream that I never wanted to end
But everything you sold was just pretend
Atoms ripped in two
And the truth bleeds through
Tears fell down like rain from the sky
When I uncovered the weapon you sold was a lie
Too arrogant to see past your cosmic gaze
That this dream was just a nightmarish maze
Now I'm sat here alone waiting for those atoms to realign
And turning that dream into mine

Part of me died trying to love you
And now I'm sat here feeling blue
Lost to time I wasted holding onto that feeling
Praying for my self to come back
Please cut me some slack
I keep feeling the same heart attack
Guess its just my way of healing
Blood running out my veins
A shell of my body remains
You left me tied to these chains
This love for you I keep concealing
Hoping how I feel is just a lie
Soundless screams that I cannot cry
Feeling like I'm about to die
Why was your pain so appealing?

I'm about to go to bed
Maybe I'll dream of you
Writing about you is new
Now thats all said
Please message me back
Please cut me some slack
I want to know you more
Your messages I cant ignore

As I look at your grave, I start to cry
All I can ask is why
Why were you taken?
Did it have to be you?
And if I'm not mistaken
You were only 52
Taken to young, why God why?
Why did you let my grandfather die?
You took a good man away from our family
Is this the way it has to be?
Can I not see him for even just a day?
I don't think you're listening every time I pray
Maybe I'm foolish maybe it's all just lies
I'm starting to think you're the devil in disguise

I keep drinking every night
I need a drink just to write
The words of a drunk man
To the same bottle he ran
Sip after sip he would write some more
Sip after sip the words did pore
Reading these words the truth I know it
I am the alcoholic poet

I want to write for you
But you're not here
I don't know what to do
Can't see things clear
Please give me a sign
Bring back my light
I want to make you mine
You're the reason I write

Drunk again so I start writing
All these dark thoughts I keep fighting
She starts smoking to cure the pain
Guess we have different prescriptions for pain

We were just talking
But it didn't take long for you to start walking
Gone, just left, blanked what I said
But now youre gone I wish I was dead

I cut my wrists again
Then blame it on the drink
I look at the scars every now and then
But I don't know what to think
See the blood keep dripping
All down my arm
Thoughts keep slipping
From happiness to harm
Just want the pain to all go away
Hope the blood will stop spilling
One day

Drinking myself numb again
Night after night
God I know this path is wrong
But why does it feel so right?
Sat here alone
Slowly going insane
Drinking to just try numb the pain

I said I'd leave you alone
And not message you no more
But your notification is the only one I want to be shone
With you not texting me now
The wounds still sore
I'm waiting by the phone
I cant wait much more

When I'm lost in my mind
I come back to this place
But all I can find
Is your beautiful face
Why are you here?
Can you please leave?

You read my poems
That makes me so happy
You enjoy my words
Even if they're sappy
I'm glad you like the poems I do
I'll keep writing these poems just for you

I'm waiting for you
On the other end of the phone
It's weird when you don't respond
I honestly feel so alone
Just a simple text makes my day
Added to all you type and say
Lost in your words
And all you write
Waiting for you
On this lonely night

Life never goes the way you plan
But it's time for me to set up and be a man
Face all of my dreaded fears
Dark thoughts I've been hiding all these years
When you last saw me I was a broken mess
Hiding all of the pain and stress
Look at me now finally I've grown
Not the same man you thought you have known

I didn't want a relationship until I met you
It's weird to say but I don't know what to do
I want to talk and text any chance I get
A soul like yours I could never forget
Even though I don't know you very well
Any second without talking to you is like a living hell
If you get this message please call me back
A day without you is like a heart attack

Tears leave my mind and heart
But not my eyes
How did this all start?
Through deceit and lies
Lying to myself about how I truly feel
You told me you loved me
Was that love even real?
Or was I blind and just couldn't see
Until I realise all my fears
Were clouded by my falling tears

She broke me in two
Shattered like glass
Now what can I do?
Will this pain ever pass?
I lost myself trying to please this girl
I will never be the same
Falling deeper and deeper in a downward swirl
Maybe I did this to myself, maybe I'm to blame

I finally lost my mask, finally I can be me
The person I was scared for everyone to see
Hes finally out, look at him shine
Just kidding, I had that mask to make you think I was fine
Inside I'm dying, so I hid from my truth
Deep seeded issues that came from my youth
Buts all out now, you can see who I was scared to be
Finally the mask is off and now you can see me

These pills took away my ability to feel
Now I dont know whats fake and whats real
Cutting myself because I need the relief
When Mum saw my arm she was in disbelief
I know I shouldn't, its not goof for my health
But when I look in the mirror I dont recognise myself

Laying here in my room staring at the ceiling
Feeling numb from all the drugs just trying to find a feeling
Praying for a better day when I wake up tomorrow
I can't keep spending these long ol' nights just living in my sorrow
So I take sip of another beer
Wake up in the morning and I see things clear
This old town just ain't good for me
Time to pack my bag and leave real fast
100mph just to escape my past
No idea where I'm gonna go

You said that I'm different, I'm just not the same
We both know the problem, it's the drink to blame
I'm not the man you met all those years ago
Turned into a stranger, someone you don't even know
Looking in the mirror, I know this to be true
I became the man I was all because of you
But something just happend, I guess I lost my way
Maybe I'll become that man again.... One day

On the radio I heard our song start to play
Suddenly taken back to that faithful day
When we danced all night to that song on repeat
Learning all the words and remembering the beat
The song brought love and joy, sadness and heartache
Maybe listening to it again was a mistake
Even though listening to it maybe be wrong
It will always be our song

How did I get like this?
Trapped in a dark abyss
My mind is clouded, heavy thoughts like rain
Numb to the point that I don't feel pain
Mum said time will heal me
But she doesn't understand the pain I see
It's hard to explain when you feel so low
I just want this dark abyss to let me go
I can feel it getting worse, day by day
As I'm writing this now, I don't know what to say
Maybe I'm broken, a lost puzzle piece
Everyone getting put together while I slowly decrease
I'm scared to ask for help because I think I'll look weak
I think it's because I'm a man that I don't want to speak
I guess I'll keep pushing and see how long I last
I never thought at 21 I'd want to die so fast

It's all coming back to me
How I used to be
Life before you was just a distant memory
But I'm slowly falling back into place
Hoping the pain you brought will erase
And the man in the mirror will once again be my true face
It's all coming back to me
Slowly but surely
All the scars you left are finally healing
The love I thought we had is just a distant feeling
I'm moving on and trying to grow
It's all coming back to me, the person I used to know

I guess it's time I let you go
Moving on so that I can grow
But in my heart I will always see
A love story that was never meant to be
So I say goodbye to me and you
And all the pain we couldn't work through
I guess it's time for me to grow
Moving on because I let you go

I feel sad but I cant even cry
So much mental pain, but all I cant ask is why
Why am I like this? Why me?
Maybe its the way life is suppose to be

My light is slowly fading, lying on the ground
I had to do it while no one was around
I hear sirens in the distance, I they're not for me
My light is slowly fading, this is how it's supposed to be
Looking at the wreckage, I did this to myself
This is what happens when you don't care for your mental health
But this is what I wanted, to end all my pain
Twisted dark thoughts that I had in my brain
My light is slowly fading, I guess the end is near
Tell my family I love them and that I died without fear

I'm still waiting for the day when you will come here
Maybe god will guide you or maybe your mind will steer
Holding out hope for something might not come true
But even after everything I'm still in love with you
Maybe I'm being foolish by waiting for your love
I just need god to help me if he's listening up above
Please come back to my arms and I'll never let go
I still love you and I need to let you know

I hope in another life we're still together
Maybe we actually reached forever
We worked on our issues hand in hand
We completed everything that we had planned
Another life me hopefully made you his wife
I hope we're still together, in another life

My wrist are bleeding and yet I don't cry
I did this to myself and I don't know why
Maybe it's the pain I hold in my heart
Every since the day you ripped it apart
Punishing myself for how we ended
I hope one day my heart will be mended
And the pain I'm causing myself will finally be ended

Do you treat him like you used to treat me
Or is he a better guy than I'll ever be
I used to drive hours just to get yelled at
I bet he doesn't ever get that
Have you realised what you did and finally changed ways
While I'm all alone lost in this scary maze
Because now he's got you and living a perfect life
While I'm looking at my wrists holding a knife

Get out of my head, I'm begging you now
Wish I could stop thinking about you but I don't know how
So I keep writing in hopes it helps me heal
But I the pain wont go and it feels so real
I want to drink to forget
Instead I cut myself and regret
You're hunting my mind, please leave my head
Because I know if you don't then I'll end up dead

I keep cutting myself to numb the pain
Because I cant seem to get you out of my brain
Why is my mind destroying me like this?
Maybe if I end it all I'll reach eternal bliss

I miss you so much, and it kills me to say
I've started cutting myself almost everyday
I hate that we cant talk and hate myself so much
All I want is to feel your touch
I know we toxic and argued a lot
But it kills me know another guy is in my spot
You probably hate me and I understand why
But there's no point living without you, I might as well die
Just want to here to tell me its going to be ok
Because I'm really struggling to live another day
I'll keep pushing in hopes we'll get back together
But if tomorrow doesn't come then just know I'll love you forever

Why do I keep looking a pictures of you? Maybe its because I cant let go
All I want to do is call you to tell you I still love you more than you know
I want to make things right and have you back in my life
Because deep in my heart I wanted to make you my wife
I miss you so much that its making cry
I cried even harder when I saw you with another guy
People keep telling to move on and forget about you
But you and I both know thats something I cannot do
Lifes gotten so dark since I lost my light
I hope you I think about you every night

I ignored my depression for many many years
Substance abuse took away all my fears
But it made me feel worse in the end
It's hard to let go when the substance is you're only friend