Why does it need to be so hard?
All of my good memories are suddenly scarred.

The battle in my mind is a constant war.
Maybe I want less, but maybe I want more.

I'm always confused, I cant make up my mind.
Nobody cares when I cant decide.

When they see I feel anxious, they don't think about it twice.
They don't understand the way my mind fights.

Always living in fear, that you'll do something wrong.
They think you're ok but you're already gone.

My stomach hurts and now I cant breathe.
What happened to the girl who used to live with ease?

Slowly you start to fade away.
It seems that today is never your day.

Anxiety
Controlling my everyday life
Anxiety
Taking my heart and throwing it against the wall
Anxiety
Wrapping around in my head to consume my thoughts
Anxiety
Crying and screaming against my throat
Anxiety
Crashing and thrashing its way into my body making me shudder
When theres a knock at the door
Anxiety
Lighting fires to my insides
Anxiety
Making my hands shake so someone will notice im unbalanced
Anxiety

The warm ache of *****
Touches my stomach with soft
Hands and all i can think
Is why
and the tickle in my throat
From nicotine's playful kiss
Makes me sicker than before
Woozy and exhausted
I cry to myself
And wonder why you're far
Gone from me
Loneliness caresses my face
With hot tears
While I panic
And want to die
In the place that doesn't feel like home

Thoughts of her fit like a coffin
In all the bad ways.
Midnight eyes with stars and galaxies gaze
Fixed
They never change
And the ending still remains
She fades
From memories
And the last twelve days
Turn to the last twelve months.
That was when I realized that nothing would ever last
And she sat at the end of my kitchen table
Yellow sun dress pooling
A beam of light in a lonely room full of people
My lungs collapsing
Tongue failing
Words half formed falling forth
Between us
And she smiled.
I was nervous.
She was stunning,
Sitting patiently under my camera lens as I took several more pictures
And now I can only see her in my dreams.
Dark hair and darker eyes
Tired and smiling
Voice singing sweet lullabies
To voices in my head that seem to never sleep
Next in line
Like pills you can't wait to take
Another false reality
And I'm wishing she'd leave my head
Because she fits my mind like a coffin
In all the bad ways
about a girl.

I woke up and started coughing.
I coughed up the taste of you from the dream I had.
I coughed brown phlegm into the sink basin.
I coughed and coughed and coughed.

I coughed until sour spit filled my mouth
and I puked all over my socks.
I coughed until my ***** throbbed
and I ******* myself.
I coughed until tunnels threatened to
make me black-out.
I coughed and coughed and coughed.

I coughed until I choked,
my heart was stuck in my throat.
I coughed until I spat it out,
still beating, onto my coat.
I coughed and coughed and coughed.

I coughed until I was lying face-up
in a... casket?

Sing it with me 1 2 3.
Maybe love is not for me.
Could it be my nervous twitch?
Maybe it's my oxy itch.
Build yourself a padded room,
Big enough for him and you.
Straight jacket gray and used.
Cover up your bad tattoos.
Could It be the way you bailed?
I'm draggin on a coffin nail.
Sent our love away to fly.
But baby I still had to try.
Take it till it's not enough.
Moving on is not so tough.
So karma then would be your prize.
Chew it up with all the lies.
And the people that you thought you knew..
built an army who will despise you.

Don't try to hear me now.
How can silence be so loud?
Through everything I seem to fail.
I'm draggin on a coffin nail.
What have you got left to show?
Baby I couldn't sink so low.
An infant left a broken home.
Just so you could spread and roam.
Maybe you won't read this text.
Maybe you won't see whats next.
Baby I can not deny.
I really wanna see you die.
My heart is numb my knees are frail.
I'm still draggin on a coffin nail

With a nervous grip, the girl picks up the paintbrush;
She glances at this boy's life, a blank canvas that gives her a rush.

She asks his favorite color; he says it is always baby blue.
So she listens to his preferences and across the canvas the paintbrush flew.

When she looks at the monochrome array, she holds such disdain
For she is an artist who cannot stick to such colors mundane.

Eventually she pulls away from the baby blues,
And gives him vibrant colors and vivid hues.

She fills his world with a colorful glow,
And puts her heart and soul into giving him a rainbow.

Dear god,
I wear the cross on my chain
As your prays are forever conducted into my brain
And out through my vain
You have a strain on me to do good
For within you I forever could
With me, you forever stood
As I knew you would

For that I'm always grateful
For you are my secret angel
You fly high,
way up in the sky
Looking down making sure I don't drown
And for you I promise never to frown
Or ever turnaround, but to keep on going
Knowing, and showing to way for others
For ****** Mary one of my mothers

The poison filled your mind
While sadness filled my heart.
The plant ruined your mind
While you ruined our chances.
The drugs corrupted your soul
While you broke my heart.

If I wasn't gay would people care?
Would they actually let me breath the same air?
Could I actually go to school,
without people being so cruel?
Could I live in a world with no hate?
Maybe people would love me if I was straight.
It's not as easy as people think.
I can't just go to a shrink.
I didn't choose to be this way.
You really think I'd want to be gay?
I don't want attention,
I don't want fame.
This isn't some sort of game.
I am who I am and thats okay.
Most people don't see it that way.
I only wish I could be the same.
To have a wedding and it not be shamed.
I want to have kids and not be judged.
I don't want my reputation smudged.
But apparently I'm different now.
Sick in the head somehow.
Therapy and shock treatment for something that can't be fixed.
How did I get put into this mix?
Toxic and tragic,
that's my life.  
It's like I was stabbed in the back with a knife.
I'm gay,
what's wrong with that?
I get treated like some rat.
Using your holy books and your religion.
To fight against something that makes no difference.
I want to be a human not a punching bag.
Always getting called a ***.
Let that word have power and it gets to you.
But that words as good as whatever is stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I love being this way.
I don't care what you say.

She kisses her scars
Amongst the dark of the night,
For the taste of blood,
Or the taste of self-love?

She drank the tears she cried,
For the drowning sensation,
Or the hope of a better fate?

While she lay empty on the grey-tiled floors that felt like the bottom of a *** bottle,
She only wonders,
Would this change anything?

How many more wounded soldiers before the battle is dead?
How many more tradgic memories need to be burned into innocent minds?

How many more terrible poems before I get a better grasp on humanity?

**** me,
just do it now.
I'm done with this life,
with all its stress and anxiety.
My parents say
that I'm a demon hotel.
I say
that I'm just living how I want.

**** me,
just throw my life away for me.
I'm done with all the tests.
I'm done with all the misfortune.
There's no one
that will ever love me.
At least,
it feels that way.

I'm so confused.
Some people aren't ignoring me,
but yet they are.
I feel so lonely...

These hollow hands,
this hollow body...
It needs something,
someone to fill it back up.
Yet no one seems to hear the echo
from inside.

******* it hurts.
Dropping my promises like mirrors shattering and whispering sweet nothing into my ear, you had me.
You wrote all over my soul and now i can’t say a work without choking because everything sounds like you.
We chased each other to the corners of the universe trying to find a way to love one another, trying to heal our wounds with empty kisses, and you used  to draw those stupid pictures in the sky, now that you’re gone the constellations look like you.

I’ve burnt through so many cigarettes that
my mother would be ashamed of me.
And I could blame my father
for leaving his 100’s by his wallet and keys,
giving me the nicotine for free.

What will it cost him, though?

My lungs were becoming his lungs.
It’s frightening how a vice
turns into an addiction
that turns into an idol
that turns into malignancy.

I watched him hold a lighter.
I watched him hold the cancer between his fingers.

I’m watching him turn into the ash
that fills the ash tray sitting in our backyard.

It’s funny how weak one sees another
when one has overcome a dependency.

Put down the matches,
and give your lungs a break.

his eyes trace my figure as my fingers trace his
and when lips meet it proves of radiant bliss
but as soon as pale hearts meets the greeting night
then hips align like stars only to delight
as one we seek places of the highest standing
using directions written on love marked skin
once innocent, now dangerous
no question arises to contradict such action
for strangers eyes lead astray when they hear of our stories
but the novels we write are only locked and hidden
for those strangers would assure to steal them away
elegance and divinity are like those of vintage coffee shops
where broken hearts are mended with love stories, caffeine and nicotine
where our adventures are as priceless as the Mona Lisa
and no soul can buy or touch the love we express
frost-touched lips meet in the seldom disturbed fields
where thoughts gallops freely and laughs carry on caressing breezes
for we out number the night's stars in moments made into memories
and our touch burns hotter than the smoldering sun in the Sahara
desires dig deep as our roots of commitment
while seconds pass  by without your sheer image
for our novels live on, as we tangle around each other
and passion gleams farther in fields with cold breezes
darling, our love is stronger than imaginable
for with you, your more addictive than hot caffeine in the morning
stronger impulse than nicotine in a life-long habit
your love, our love
we are forever infinite

He'd breathe in the smoke,
when he was in pain.
I wanted to be there,
but I couldn't be.

I was pushed away.
Far from his secrets.
He dug deeper and deeper,
to hide the worst from me.

I refused to give up on him.
I wouldn't allow his lungs to fill with smoke,
or his mind to fill with guilt,
or his heart to feel alone.

So I gave him my all,
to show him the feelings were real.
I showed him I wasn't going anywhere.
I was there to stay.

He no longer suffocates in the smoke,
or looks for other ways of release.
I am his personal painkiller,
for as long as he needs me.

You seem to hurt my heart,                                                          
Repetitively,                                                    ­                              
and the doctors say:                                                             ­          
                                       "They can’t bandage a word broken heart,"
   "When the bandage won’t  be able to fix me,"                              
This is when my body mutates,
Making it hard to breath ,                  
                                  Or really do anything,
This is when,
            My ribs,                                      
                 wrap around my heart,
trying to protect it from you,                                              
                               and while my lungs were unprotected,
and I was at a lack of breath,                          
                               ­  you seemed to take that,
with any happiness you could find,                
And I sat there,
        Shaking,
Then,                  
                 ­                                       Crying because it’s not even first period

. One scar from someone who was supposed to be the one to hold me up through my life. No instead she abandoned me, left me like some trash on the side of a road.

All though I can't blame her I mean she would have to look at me the rest of her life, I’m a daily reminder of what happened to her and she hates me for that.

I cant help it though, but you know what aren't your parents suppose to love you unconditionally?

Scar number two…. Oh and don’t forget about being ***** by someone you trusted with your life, the person you are suppose to go to in times of need.

You're expected to **** it up and continue on in life as if nothing ever happened. Why is that? Society society society its always labeled people as this or that.

If you were beat up then its your fault you ****** someone off, being bullied….

My personal favorite being ***** is your fault “what were you wearing”, “were you asking for it”, “what were you doing”???????

I mean since you were wearing shorts you wanted it to happen. No, the word means no how about people listen to what the girls saying not what shes wearing.

Shorts or a dress doesn't give you automatic permission to do whatever you want, if her mouth is saying no then the answer is no.

You can't just buy peoples love, trafficking makes me sick those are people nobodys property.

This is an overpopulated planet, selfish people killing and hurting one another. How do you cope with it?

Nicotine-stained fingertips
Curl around a pen
A mouthful of hazy breath
Calling it my friend

Cross my heart and hope to die
I'll just stay in bed
What a lively suicide
Better than they said

Putrid stench I can't wash off
Follows me around
King of sorrow, Queen Aloof
Finally I'm crowned

rumour has it mirrors shatter
at the thought of you having your fathers eyes
I hope you know that if you're looking for a sign
you might find it tying to choke out one last goodbye
at the end of the night
you'll find it wherever home is
I know you hate the smell of smoke
but cigarettes are all I know
so I'm asking you to put up with it
you have every reason to be furious
but I'm hoping you'll take deep breathes and see
how calm they make my blood stream
and I only started smoking to ease the pain
it was that or a needle to the vein
a bullet to the brain
too much going on up there anyways
it needed cutting out
so cigarettes just made sense
I talk about them in the past tense
but the one between my fingers seems to disagree
open your eyes and see
through all the smoke and mirrors lies me
a double entendre for how things used to be
and how they are currently
the writing is on the wall
in every ****** love song lies a promise
to make the next one stronger
and they keep promising that but the time between gets longer
and all of a sudden the bands broken up
and the symbol of love you used to **** to
is broken like the bond of your parents love
I love you is an apology
forgiveness is given with every similar reply
I love you means that I forgive you
for being broken and for breaking me
because picking you out in a crowded room
is something I've become accustomed to
there is no one else out there who would visit my tomb
and try to apologize for not fixing all of my wounds
god I can't stop thinking about the look in your eyes
on that night in July with fireworks in the sky
the last time I remember you saying goodbye
because I shattered at the thought of you having my fathers eyes