Kaylee

Kaylee May 2015

My voice
sure was flawed
Too much of nothing
can lubricate just enough
of something to claim
some soul from the
darkest well of the heart

Kaylee May 2015

Exasperation

I am not a ******* painting
that hangs in your room
Waiting to be admired by you

Kaylee Apr 2015

50 years

50 years from now
I want to see the lines in your face look like the map of the trail we walked and talked on happily in love walking through the different paths
life has drawn for
us
My dear I want to look in your eyes when you're terrified to die and I want to know the only reason you're afraid is because I can't be by your side
I want to be able to watch the river flow from your eyes so I can tell you it's okay to cry because I love you
and if you die I can't wait to die
so you won't be sitting alone
in that grave because I will be by
your side
I want your laugh to rain echoes
in my ears the way it did
for 50 years
I want to sit by your bed retelling
our stories to you the good and the bad talking of all
the love we had
I want you to be my favorite poem
the way your smile would send shivers into my bones because every single day it feels like I'm home and
I want you to know that I never planned to love you
I never planned to know
you or want to hold you
the way I do
I want you to know that sometimes I look in your eyes and I swear to god If there was a god I would pray everyday at the top of my lungs for giving me voice to be able to tell you I love you
In 50 years I hope the phrase
"I love you "
has filled to the top overflowing turning into an overwhelming ocean instead of just a book that explains what the phrase I love you really means
I want you to know that if you ever promise me forever
I will slap you in the face because
let's face this
There is no forever, time may never die but people wither and crumble due to experience but until the end of my days I hope that this stays and
I hope I have you.
How funny that I am filled with hope for us as my middle name by birth is hope
it's like my life was strategically strung together for me to trail through a forest of *******, to meet you and nearly believe in angels because I cannot stress enough how you are cleaning the mess of me.
In 50 years and I want you to remember this poem when I say I love you.

April 10, 2015, 1:15 AM

#lovepoems

Kaylee Apr 2015

Abandoned house

I keep trying to piece together
a functioning poem but nothing
is fitting the way I need it to
I guess it's a symbol of my mind
Or anything having to do with me
I have pieces of unfinished business floating in my notepad
all I can do is write the episodes of my life that flash in my mind
I didn't pay for a drive through movie
but I got in free
except it's all things
that've happened to me
A showcase of my emotions
over the years plastered in my mind
on a giant screen
I don't ignore you
I want to hear every word
you speak so I never forget them
but how do I explain
"I didnt hear what you said
I was watching the episode
of when I broke his heart
the morning after his birthday
I'm sorry will you repeat that?"
I always loved picture frames
as a child thinking they could hold some precious moment I never had

Childhood
more like a broken swing set
in an abandoned park
If little me only knew
I would be walking around
with thoughts of you
I have a list of things that replay
in my mind and I fear it will never stop
I am an abandoned house that is only filled with pictures of my memories
Sometimes I feel so fragile
I think if you were to hold my hand
it would shatter
The paint is peeling from my walls
and there are holes in my floorboards and after walking in the dark
of my house for so long
i believe I've fallen through
one of them

My only hope is when the
sun finally rises I can crawl out
to reconstruct
I will replace every fried wire
and every broken board
I will paint and furnish
until my head is my home
and that doesn't sound
like a nightmare anymore

My only hope is that you can stay until I've sent every demon my way packing

#depression

Kaylee Apr 2015

This is not a poem

There is a demon inside my ear
Whispering lies
I don't want to hear
Trying to help you understand
is the equivalent to reaching
into the dark
Only being able to grab air
Something invisible chases me
In my dreams
Something evil and hateful
I believe it is my suffering.
The grief of my experiences
that I subconsciously hold on to
You held me as it chased me
I screamed for help
Your arms
brought me back home to you
I ran my fingers
through your hair
over and over
Trying to soothe myself
I've never lost myself like that before

This is a not a poem
This is a confession

I am being consumed

#depression

Kaylee Apr 2015

Quicksand

my mind is nothing but quick sand
a thought gripping me
pulling me down
until I am consumed
thoughts that I do not own
tug and pull
I have never been enough
my hair is unruly
my smile is crooked
my heart is no longer whole
I am not as strong or stable
as I once was
but I will do my best to love you
and seep through your wounds
to be your antidote for any poison
that pains you
I will do my best to be
your button down coat
that keeps you comfy and warm
I will do my best for you
this sand will not swallow me
and I will dig myself out
I will be myself again
I cannot move forward
without you
when I am me, my mind
will dance with yours
the way my body does
when you move, I move with you

maybe then I will be enough

#depression

Kaylee Apr 2015

A nameless monster

I fill myself with people
and beds
and long conversations
and connection
there is a girl
the shallow shell
of who I once was
the half of me
filled with
melancholy
she's always trying
to liven up
and warm
her dull eyes

eating people whole
enjoying until it spoils
why do I always
make
          things
                      spoil
so quickly?

I recall a story
of a nameless monster
he too
ate people whole
ending up always
needing
more
each person
could not fill
the hunger
of emptiness
but in the end
he ate
his other half

I have realized
you cannot fill your suffering
with people
for they rot
digest into grains of sand
and you end up empty
once again
maybe if I swallow
my sadness I
could be full

maybe sadness isn't cold
maybe it is the only heat
that would hold
these worn bones
maybe it is only cold
until you accept it

maybe then I would look
a little more warm
a little more lively

#melancholy