I’ve missed looking up at the sky,

It feels so refreshing

I feel the sunshine on my skin

This is a blessing

For I feel my skin getting warm

Oh how I’ve missed the charm

Of the beautiful sun

It makes me forget for a moment

That I’m still on the run

Running from myself

From the truth as well

That there’s something wrong with me

No I’m alright, I refuse to see

The troublesome truth, the painful fact

That I’m constantly putting on an act



Yet I smile, yet I beam

From ear to ear, this must be a dream

Barely recognize this feeling,

Is this what happiness is?

Or is it a facade

Hiding the fact that my mind’s still flawed

That must be it, no way that it’s gone

It’s been with me for so long

From dusk until dawn

I’ll just keep looking at the sky

Stare right through the atmosphere

Oh how I wish I could fly

What I’d give to be free

I’d ****- no that’s extreme, don’t you agree?

I just don’t want to hurt, want no-one to suffer
But it’s getting increasingly harder to recover

All by myself, I probably need therapy

To battle the single strongest enemy

I’ve ever had, I’ve ever encountered

That’s why I’m running
I know, I’m such a coward


I take a breath of fresh air,

The wind blows through my hair

I feel alive, a new part of the path

I’ve reached the top

And for a moment I stop

Stunned by the beauty as I turn my frame

My body is healed, I remember my own name

It all seems perfect, my mind it bright

Dare I say it? I’ve won the fight



As I speak those words my brain wakes

From my increasingly short slumber

How my head now aches

Again, and again and indeed- once more

I’ll lay down again, lay down on the floor

Everything became the same again

I feel so much shame, 
I forgot my name

There’s a faulty wire in my mainframe

This has never been a fair game



I’ve lost my atmosphere

Now my fear is one again crystal clear

It’s been a mere year but it drains

Tear after tear from my eyes

My mask is failing me, my disguise

It’s showing cracks and fractures

My thoughts, they’re all backwards

Thought I was on top, really at the bottom

Figured it was springtime, no- already autumn

Everything is falling, even dying

I’m back on my knees

Looking down, still crying

The sky turns black

It starts pouring rain

Another drawback

Please get rid of this burning pain

Drain this rain from my brain

Help me get rid of this,

For I can’t keep laying here at the start

Down in this abyss



My neck is stuck in place,

Can’t see a trace of outer space

I’m only allowed to view my feet,

And below that, the cold street

The drizzle trickles down

No, still not enough for me to drown

I miss that yellow glowing star

It’s been gone for so long

It feels so bizarre

Only cold, darkness without shadows

How do I hold on?

Only He knows

For I wish to give in

I know, yeah it’s a sin

But between a great nothing or eternal darkness

I’d choose the former, I’m already lifeless



I carefully smile as I look up in a dream,

Not wanting to shout, not wanting to scream

I’m at peace, just for a moment

Please never wake me,

For I’m really broken

I pick myself up, barely able

To stay on my feet, my legs are unstable

I’ve had an accident, I’m rehabilitating

Everyone must think I am exaggerating

But I’m not, I struggle but because you can’t see

The pain I’m in, oh I’d be

So happy to be rid of the torment

But instead I once more descend to some extent

How frequent is this event meant to prevent,

My freedom as a human being?

I’m not arguing, I already know we’re not agreeing

I’ve given up on that, you just don’t understand



Let it be said, what this accident represents

It’s just as real as all these events,

That people tend to empathize with

But I speak of something different, call me a wordsmith

I’m speaking of a ruthless embodiment of darkness

Anything but harmless

To be clear; to let this come across

We’re talking about my depressing thoughts

They just won’t let me sleep

Desperately yelling it’s something I need

To beat this evil I must keep

Living, simply living

Living until I fall asleep



Just as my knees stop trembling

I smile to myself, but I keep questioning

Will my legs hold me up, even if I go forth?

I take my first step,

I’m blocked by a wall of some sort

In the middle of the street,

Can’t turn back or go on, so I plead

Please, help, I can’t walk anymore

A car runs into me, I fly through the air

And then crash to the floor

My mind fills back up with despair



I wake up in the ER

I can’t feel either legs

Again, this invisible car?

It struck me again

And no I don’t feign

Any of this horrible pain

Even though my legs are still here

They don’t work anymore, 

How is that not clear?

Please see through the surface

Because I’m searching for a purpose

To not give up, to not give in

But where do I begin?

Maybe I’ll need some crutches at first

But I want to get rid of the pain

Because that’s the worst



I find these self-driving cars so scary

All these people if they’re not weary

Stop when told to do so,

Not when they want to, no

We’re not thinking straight

We want to prevent accidents

But it all comes down to fate

I’ve never been reckless,

But my mind has left me breathless

It’s a hard hit, and it echoes through the brain

All this pain is mainly to blame

Please just drain every grain of agony

From my body, its now actually

Simply a fantasy

To live a stable, happy life

All I’ve been doing is barely survive



It’s in the paper, another casualty

He was still so young, the man says casually

But it’s a dangerous road he wandered

The opportunity of happiness he squandered

But as the man takes a closer look at that boy

He’s not alive, but he looks to be filled with joy

A smile on his face that nobody could erase

It’s the first time the boy had smiled

The last time was when he was a child

But now the pain is gone

And a trail of blood is drawn

On the road



So please, help me off this road

For I don’t want another car to be towed

I’m determined to keep walking,

But I need help, even if it’s only talking

Reach out to me, please

I’m unable to,

The street

It sticks like glue
 to my feet

Maybe I need to accept it

Embrace this fatal fate of mine

There’s only one way for this to end

I know there is,

It’s dying

I’ve been taken captive,

I’m completely losing it, used to be so adaptive

A dark black room, trapped on enemy soil

Struggling against the rope around my wrists 

As they completely drench me in motor oil

No just slit my throat, I’m begging you

I did nothing wrong you don’t have to go through

With this, and a no-faced man smirks

“You and I both know that that’s simply not how this works.”

He holds up a lit match and asks “Any final words?”

“Yes, knowing what I’ve been through there’s no way this hurts.”

The man looks confused, angry that I don’t seem scared

He instead takes out a wrench, hits me on the back of my head

My skull cracks and opens, leaking out the thoughts,

Thank you for saving me from them, now hit a few more spots



Nobody will come for me, I know that to be true

I’ll just put up my hands, give them my gun too

Nobody must know, I simply can not tell
That I never wore a parachute, oh how far I fell

I went in completely blind, they all shot at my head

I closed my eyes and waited, this is it I’m dead

But whether I stay here or not, must not be my choice

For something protected me, I even heard a voice

We’re not done with you yet, much torture awaits

The torture’s only mental, around my brain hang weights

Slowing me down, preventing me from looking ahead

At my path, I only look down until I spread

Words of lies of how I’m doing well

Words of truth of the 24/7 alarm bell

Inside of my head, my ears they hurt

I don’t know should I just desert

I think about betraying my mind,

My only friend, the only one kind

The one that cares, although he’s ill

These feelings- how can they even be real?

It makes no sense, it’s so illogical

But these problems are nothing but psychological

They throw my vessel into the bin,

Treating my carriage like it’s nothing

It’s carried me my whole short life

Even though not always perfect, struggled against the knife

It was there for me, hurting as it did
And now it’s only a shell, I’m completely off the grid

At least the torture ends, 

For both me and my good friend

Those lobes have been through hell, 
the ones that help me think, 
Because of how far I fell,

But now I have a personal Kitchen Sink


Which makes it okay, there’s purpose

And what I’ve written, it may be worthless

Scream my mind out, it might be wordless

It’s what I want, no- what I need
The first one ever, my first thoughtful deed

Think about your thoughts,

You’ve thought about the process of thinking

I’m writing this with one hand,

The other making sure I’m not sinking

Even deeper down this well, which goes on for eternity

Maybe I could drown in here

Do I want to? Certainly


My body they take home, place me into a closed coffin

Nobody dares look- not because of the injury

My eyes they still convey the utter and complete misery

That they showed all those years,

Together with this list of fears,

I know that they knew

Never spoke though, it’s true

They quickly put me down into the cold ground

Open my eyes, stopped by a black hound

His owner right there, red eyes and a smirk

Thought you’d get rid of me that easy,

No, only now you can watch me work

He points me to a door, that somehow holds my mind

I look around, begging for help. I’ve been left behind.
Nobody is there, I’m down here with the demon
I wanted to be up there, live in the perfect world

My second life narrated by- you guessed it, Morgan Freeman

But I’m not up there, no I’m down

What a surprise, I’ve never left this part of town

The battle is over, I’m stuck here again

I was used to this already, but my last hope was in vain


I finally wonder if I leave

..Would anyone grieve?

I’ve been walking for some time,

Now there’s a mountain too steep to climb

Too steep even with the right gear,

This is ridiculous, impossible says my fear

Just turn back you did your best, says my mind

But I don’t plan on turning back, don’t dare to look behind

The temperature is falling, I feel their breath in my neck

I pretend to be better, but inside I’m still a wreck


I now free-climb this rocky hill,

One mistake and it’s over, fighting against the will

To simply stop climbing, I want to let go

At least I’ll feel free for a second or two,

Before hitting the sharp and pointy spears below

Maybe this is it, maybe that I’ll do.



The mountain gets steeper, 
And steeper again,

I already see the reaper,
Or am I going insane?

Insane I still am, for this rock is not climbed,

But I only have my eyes to guide me,

For my mind is completely blind.



You’re the reason I climb, friend

Your illness might just mean my end

But I won’t be able to live without you,

I’m sorry, I don’t have what it takes to go through

I’m now falling, as it starts to pour rain,

“Finally, thank you.” I hear from my brain

My friend, finally I understand

We’ll finally be rid of this, but not really as planned

We were meant to work together, friend

But you lured me into climbing, and now I near the end

I squint my eyes and make out not a single spear,

Those who haunted me are waiting, I already hear

Their dark, low voices, shouting that they’ll capture me

Leave me alone, don’t capture me. I’m now, for once,

Finally free.



Just when there should be light, there’s none

Where am I now, is it all done?

Did I finally do it, are the voices all gone?

Then one starts to laugh, I can’t believe it, come on

I get back up on my feet and my vision pulls into focus

To find myself back at the start, this journey is hopeless

I’ll have to walk those miles once more,

The first step I try and then fall to the floor

I look down and spot both my legs are broken

You thought that would leave no scars? 

Oh, you must be joking.

To fall back down from such a height,

Even further away from a sprinkle of light

The mountain casts a shadow over this path all day

Please tell me, to the light, is there another way?



My skin is desperate, it is so pale,

Because you sir, missed a tiny detail

Every time I peacefully try to take a shortcut

Another door in this tiny room, somebody throws it shut

The darkness takes the rest

It even creeps in through the keyhole,

I might need a life vest

To prevent myself from drowning,
In this mixture of darkness and rain

It fills up this tiny room,
I simply can’t stand the pain

It fills my lungs, my veins and head

Until I then turn blue,

Is it finally over then, please tell it to be true

The room is drained, I hear a voice

He whispers “This is easy.”

I crash back down onto the floor,

My breath it sounds so wheezy

My body is tired, it’s through, it’s done

All I ever wanted was seeing the sun

Feeling it’s warmth, seeing the light

Instead I keep falling and I just write,

Again.



This journey takes too long,

Ran out of supplies, they’re all gone

I won’t survive out here all alone

I shouldn’t have tried, I should’ve known

That this path, goes on for eternity

There is no end, I’m filled with uncertainty

There is an end, but I can’t see

I can’t decide that, It’s not up to me

I’ll just keep walking, don’t try to fight

I’ll see the sun again, when the time is right

Maybe not ever, maybe I’ll keep walking

With behind me those who chase, they’re talking

How they like their home, they vandalize

Destroy everything they can, at any prize

Windows smashed, walls are cracked

And the neighbours, they get attacked

I hear pounding on the door, they’re back again

I snap and then shout “PLEASE, WHEN?!”

When will you leave, you keep hurting me

Just unlock the door, just set me free

Free from this path, free from this door

I can’t walk on for long anymore

I’ll have to crawl, just to continue

Know it is pointless, that’s not the issue

I just want you to see me try

For you my friend, this is goodbye.

Prove it, I don’t believe you, it’s all staged
Luckily for you I’m trapped in this metal box, I’m caged
Even if I wasn’t I probably wouldn’t do
Anything really harmful of negative to you
See I know and understand, it’s just the way you think
Eventually I’ll get through, find my own personal Kitchen Sink


Sadly, I’m still nowhere near
Eager to get rid of this mental state, filling me with fear
Eager to continue my story, but there’s none left in my inventory

Thinking? That’s overrated, been seen, done, still complicated
Hear me out here, I know you might not agree
Reasonable thoughts stand for the only reason I might be
On this rock, floating through this vast nothing
Understanding why it’s my hope that my mind keeps crushing
Gobbled up by time, those were my childish dreams
Had a lot of aspirations, now they’ve flipped into negative extremes

Truth may hold more lies than you think
How? That’s not possible, just go and see a shrink
I mean of course the truth that nobody dares speak
Simply the worst parts of darkness that tell me I am weak

Maybe I’m really nothing, it may not be deceit
I still stand here though, next to you but barely on my feet
Slide out of the moving car, onto the concrete below
Torture of the burnt skin will be better than to know

Otherwise you’d have enlightened me, my mind
Fear keeps me alive, of the truth it makes me blind



Let me tell you, lies will hurt, but truth does even more
I reveal this to you all, who have been hurt behind this door
Each day my mind is torn my tools blunt, the next day acicular
So just read these lines again, but now every first letter, perpendicular

I write down all the chatter I hear

In the hallways of my mind, cheer

Once I finally convey some meaning

To how and why, I think, I do, and also what I’m feeling

This digital pencil of mine, it’s writing in blood

****** dripping letters forming words that flood

My head, with every passing second

As I choke on the words, still can’t think about the present

Writing down what I’m desperate to say,

Hey you, please help me I am not okay

I wish it were that easy, but I think I’m just afraid

Afraid to be rejected


Oh every night I prayed

Prayed to the people in the sky I don’t believe in,

Am I talking to the wrong ones?
At least they’re talking back

Inhabiting my body, just waiting for one of them to crack,

My neck, end these evil thoughts and torment

Get the hell out of my head, go back and descend

From the rotten place you came

You don’t deserve to wear my name

And maybe when you drain from my brain

Maybe then, I’ll be able to talk again



Utilize these twenty-six characters to exorcise the demon,
Unbelievable how so little holds so much meaning

They’re used in silence, screams and joy

Or used in our wars, when we battle and destroy

We use them to express how much we care,

Or even if empty inside, and drowning in despair

These little markings mean to everyone the same

But people with another writing think you as insane

What if I tell you, that your writing’s different from mine?

You’re just not meant to understand, it’s where I draw the line

Maybe get some symbolism, understanding here and there

But the big picture, oh no my friend I’m not going to share



That’s okay, don’t be mad

It’s personal, didn’t mean to make you sad

I’m combining these markings for myself, not the globe

Not writing this for anyone, I’m just a phobophobe

Fear of fear itself, it might not make much sense to you

Then again I scribble to myself, you won’t have a clue

What the real meaning might be, even if you think you do

That’s exactly what I want, 
Having purpose to be around

The only one with the right explanation

For all these works, don’t need a standing ovation

I know I’m not the best, far from it

At least I’ll be proud to say, maybe close but I won’t commit

To anyone but myself, I need this time to sort things out

All the drama’s in my head, mind, makes me wanna shout

“Shut the hell up, please just one second!”

But would that really help, what do you reckon?

I don’t think it would, but hey

Who am I to judge

If you ever want to scream together

Just give me a nudge



If you ever want to write together

You can find me in the nether

My friends there, they’re so crazy

Talking about consuming my soul, but they just made me lazy

Lazy, took my will away,

My eyes turned from bright green to grey

Took my ambition, my vision, added to my fear

I feel them all the time, they’re constantly near

These negative thoughts, feelings and behaviour

They’re eating away at me, please I need a savior

Someone to not hear but listen, and carry me across

All these pools of lava, can’t walk but I gotta fight the boss

I arrive in the last level, my mind confused as I stare,

Into an empty room, wait no, this simply isn’t fair
In the room there 
stands a single item, a reflective piece of glass,

Is it me who I'm fighting?

This battle may be lost

It’s the hardest battle yet, surely

Maybe I should just not fight, and end it prematurely

Would these words be missed, who am I to say?

So hypocritical, preaching purpose and then dismay

I’m sorry, I’m doing my best, I’m trying

Truth be told I don’t know what I feel 

I just know it feels like dying

I don’t lie,

I simply camouflage my words,

My mind has been put on stand-by,

All these clever rhymes and verbs

That I use, they’re all hidden

Some you won’t understand you are forbidden

To fully comprehend what it is I’m trying to say

I realize that some of you may

Not relate, retaliate, by saying this is fake,

Not true, my neck aches

From carrying these words in the back of my head

So now I scribble them down, no lies,

Just truth, and other

Because I want you for yourself to discover

The same as I do

You’ll thank me- no thank yourself, when there’s eventually a
breakthrough

Because lying is the easy way, right?

but the path is filled with trapdoors,

You’ll walk through and discover that it’ll break you, it even might
Leave you wheezing on all fours.



I’m not hiding anything, I wear it on my sleeve,

Why would I ever tell you, what would I achieve?

You’ll never understand, all you’d do is find me odd,

All because I’d choose to tell you that my mind is flawed?

No I’ll simply wait for the light to turn green,

I’ve been standing still, waiting here since I was a teen

Maybe the light’s broken, could someone come and fix it?

No, I’m just gonna wait, how could I ever admit

That I’ve been waiting right here for years,

Without trying to move forward, back, maybe it’s my gears

Gears of my car, gears in my head

Are they working, I think my engine's dead

Are you there, are you still with me?

Of course I am, I’m fine, but my mind is on a killing spree

Killing my flow, killing my name,

Stomping on my heart am I going insane?

I don’t see myself in the mirror,

This puddle of darkness- I’ll drown in it

Death’s getting nearer.



We’re all diseased,
Our minds aren’t free

Everything put out is believed

We’ve stopped thinking, or is it just me?

Me that is ill, me that screams until,

I can’t anymore and now my vocal chords are torn

The screaming for real, it’s turned into a squeal,

But the sounds have become deafening, they’re sounds of defeat

Now I sit in silence as I continually and desperately plead


Help me, please see through the false truth,

My second face, this mask of mine,

It’s starting to show cracks, please have a glance and talk,

Don’t just stand there from the sideline

I finally throw the mask away and then I see it hit you,

Right in your face, it sticks, and still only half is true.

I’ll only transfer the truth, the lies, the problem’s still alive

Maybe there’s no cure, solution, 

just to fire lead through my hard drive.