I remember it all too well,

The tears streaming down my face

I break down, holding on to the embrace

You’ll get through this, you’re strong

Keep fighting, no matter how long

We all need you bud, it’s just a speed bump

This disease you’ll trump

This infestation of your own body

I’d do anything to help, buddy



I love you so much, friend

I refuse this to be the end

I’ll carry you if I have to,

On my back for my whole life

Although I know that’s not what you want
But I just need you to survive



You’ve carried me, if anything

You’ve grabbed it by the throat, this thing

Meaning to separate you from your loved one
s
It nestles in your legs, kidneys and lungs

Yet you fight, as hard as it is

I know you cannot fathom what it is to miss

Everything that comes next, you deserve to be there

Such a great person, it’s only fair



I tease you, you tease me

And for a moment, we let each other flee

The horrible thoughts, the difficult time

The near enough impossible mountain you must climb

We can only cheer you on, we can’t climb along

It hurts more than anything, but please stay strong

So you will, I know you will

And this cancer you’ll definitely ****

I’ve seen you lose your hair, your cheek and your colour

At least we’ve all still got one another

You couldn’t even walk, too weak and fragile

Not really yourself, and way too docile

Yet you were still with us, and we with you

As you tried your best to stay,

It’s as if you knew

We’ve laughed so much, and now we cry together

You’re the strongest person I know, a golden centre



I jumped through the roof when I heard

The nightmare was over, you’re finally cured

Beat the clump that tried to best you

Nobody can do that pal,

Told you you’d get through

Now it’s time to enjoy life

Instead of meaning to survive

No longer on a hospital bed

Not having to think of death

You were twenty

Life still has to offer plenty

I love you so much, friend

I refuse this to be the end

I’ll carry you if I have to,

On my back for my whole life

Although I know that’s not what you want

But I just need you to survive



It’s back, you told me teary-eyed

I froze up,

Wanting to speak, I really tried

I hugged you tighter than I ever could

This shouldn’t be possible

Not to someone this good

We’re always there for you

I finally muttered through tears

Couldn’t have imagined this in my worst fears

So, another fight

Another sleepless night

My problems are insignificant, 

Every time I think of you

Every time I imagine of what you go through



“We can’t help him anymore.”

At those words, our worlds collapse

But maybe, j-just perhaps

No, it’s over,

Not a hundred four-leaf clovers

Will change the outcome

We’re now left wondering

How many days are left to come?



Even after this, you fight

You battle, struggle, yeah you might

Not win this time, but you’re amazing

I can still barely accept, that you won’t be raising

Any kids of your own, it’s so cruel

But yet you go to school,

Yet you still find purpose

Yet you don’t see yourself as worthless

And you’re not, you’re an inspiration

For the whole, entire nation

You’re a fantastic friend

You’re a legend,

We’ll be with you until the end, my man

And when the day comes, we’ll be there

Doesn’t matter when or where



It’s not fair.

I’m not a shadow of my former self, no

I’ve turned into my own shadow,

Never free to go,

Switched places with the one stalking me

It’s been so long, forgot how to be free

I represent the lack of sunlight, 

So close but yet so far

I completely disappeared from the radar



People step on me, not realizing

It’s okay though, not really surprising

It doesn’t even hurt anymore

Because I’ve been down on the floor

For so long, trying to remember

Where I came from

The winter season is the worst, no sun

Which means for a second, I’m completely gone

Not even a trace, not even a glance

Scream for help now, it’s your last chance

I’m being swallowed up whole

Merging with other shadows

As my mind goes for a stroll



Please help me back up friend,

I wish to have colour again

Colour in my brain

Not just solid black or grey

That’s pretty much all I have to say

My only dream in life is to live

My mind I won’t forgive

For what it did to me

So desperate, set me free

I want to switch back, I belong up there

Not you, 
I don’t deserve to be in despair



I want to have a peek,
Keep getting close

But you’re always in the way

From your head to your toes

Blocking out the heat,

Blocking out the rays

Been down here a thousand days

I’m no longer physical

I’m being hypocritical

You should do this, seek assistance

Only to lengthen your existence

But here I am, sinking in quicksand

It’s really not going as planned



In my mind the shadow keeps growing

While I keep shrinking

I’m getting to the point where I stop thinking

About ever seeing light, ever being free

I know very well that I’m ill

But I’ll get through, I will

Surrounded by the vast nothingness

Angriness wins it from happiness

Evil beats good

Beating this thing? I thought I would



Please help me back up friend,
I wish to have colour again

Colour in my brain

Not just solid black or grey

That’s pretty much all I have to say

My only dream in life is to live

My mind I won’t forgive

For what it did to me

So desperate, set me free

I want to switch back, I belong up there

Not you, 
I don’t deserve to be in despair



I dodge the light, as if on purpose

But I can’t help it, feeling worthless

I was made to be invisible

The darkness makes me miserable

Need to break loose of this walking corpse

Trying to do so through these works


The shadow holds me by the throat

Writing these words, and I quote

“I won’t end you, just leave you breathless.”

Nothing good in there, not a message

It’s only the harsh truth, depression is drowning

In your own thoughts, your mind is shouting

In your ear, just make it stop

Pull the trigger and then I drop

Deafening silence, finally

And I lay there silently, 

Lifeless

Now I’m free from this crisis

That occupied my head,

The only solution I figured out,

Now I’m dead.

It’s the little things, not smiling at something great

Not even chuckle at a stupid pun from my mate

Not taking in a new sight, but simply walking past

Being unable to describe it, when somebody asked

Only crying, every night- until I fall asleep

Not permitting myself to snooze, unless I weep

Clenching onto my pillow, within an ocean of tears

Uncontrollably shaking as I think about my fears

Shaking and crying but no sound,

And I wipe the tears with my doubts

Just to be able to sigh again

This must be the end of my brain

Do you reckon?

My mind is going a hundred miles a second

Whilst I’m completely still, 

My mental state is going downhill



I miss the smell of a freshly cut lawn

My sensations are weak, most already gone

I miss to feel emotion,

Colours as vast as the ocean

An unlimited amount I had,

But now they’re all gone

Maybe all these negative thoughts,

I just have to act on



I want you to smile,

Don’t wish you any pain

Just let me suffer alone,

What would I gain

From making you suffer with me?

I’ll keep this to myself
Pull the words from my vocal chords

And place them on the top shelf

Making sure you cannot reach

Of course, it’s just figure of speech

I’ll stay grey, like a lack of colour

My soul keep shrinking,

It keeps getting smaller

Smaller like my mind

The vast darkness takes over

Now all colour’s gone,

Nothing left to discover



I need you,

I need your smile,

It’s replaced by something abysmal,

Replaced by something vile

I want to look you in the eye,

And just hear you say

“Shh.. It will all be okay.”

Want to break down in your grip,

Tell you everything but no,

Instead I abandon ship

Again

Running from the truth



I miss the everlasting heat of the sun

My sensations are weak, most already gone

I miss to feel emotion,

Colours as vast as the ocean

An unlimited amount I had,

But now they’re all gone

Maybe all these negative thoughts,

I just have to act on



Thinking about what’s going on

I do that a lot,

Ever since I fought

The lack of a sunshine
It’s the main reason I’m not fine

Not fine at all, I miss the brightness

But you I haven’t missed, not in the slightest

You, the one bearing the false truth

You’ve been bothering me since my youth

Stop pulling me back, let me be with my friends

Running through these green fields,

Before it all ends



Its the little things, a breeze through my hair

Well the weather’s always changing, to be fair

Can’t expect it to always be sunny

But it’s been raining for too long now,

This isn’t funny

Droplets the size of cars

Drowning my brain

I’m gasping for air,
I’m going insane

But it’s the little things, and in the end

I’ll even crack a smile as I descend



I miss your touch

Oh I miss it so much

Your laugh, cry and warm face

The memories they’ll never erase

But you’re now gone, I miss you friend

I wipe a tear as you ascend

For the last time.

The world around us is burning

But still, we’re so cold

My thoughts are so concerning

Don’t think for yourself, do as you’re told

That’s what they want, indoctrination

I’m diverting from my lane, seeking salvation

From all of these lies,

Anyone that steps out of line dies

You don’t stop breathing

You’re just left bleeding

Don’t give in to the oppression

You just need a confession

To show them the progression of this session

My depression’s aggression is terrifying

Makes me give in, makes me stop trying

Trying to cure myself from this idea

That I’m alone, and nobody loves me



The sun scorches us all

Some of us stay down, others stand tall

Fighting this intense burning sensation

Some of us are confused, 
Others full of concentration

To finish what we started, and that’s life

I don’t care how much it hurts, I’ll survive

Even if all around me burns

I’ll stand tall, even when the sun returns



My head, it’s on fire

You’re a poser, you’re a liar

Because you just can’t see

See past this broken face,

It’s supposed to be me

But I’m not too sure it still is

I don’t like that face of his

It’s sad, angry and he seems confused

And then when finally offered help, he refused

That can’t be me, I’m smarter than that

See what I’m getting at?

This’ll change you

Whether you want to or not

Even more so if you battled and fought


All that’s left is ashes

All that’s left is flashes

Those of the past, almost making me smile

Those visions, they almost make it worthwhile

The happy moments, they’re fading away

They’re all I have left, please stay

In this apocalyptic environment, all is burnt

To be honest we deserved this,
It is earned



Please soak my head in water,

Please drown out this demon

All I’ve been doing is screaming

I’m so cold, so hot, I don’t know what I feel

I’m starting to doubt whether this is real

Maybe they were right, maybe I’m a liar

Maybe I’ll just embrace this open fire

The fire, the one impossible to control

Stuck behind a door, one without a keyhole

Inhaling all the toxic smoke,

And probably my last words I spoke

“For now my demon has consumed me.”

I crash to the ground, at last I’m free

Never wanted to die

Travel up to the heavenly sky

I wanted to be happy here

But that’s impossible, so I disappear



I walk across the frozen road

My forehead hot, seeming to implode

These conflicts in my mind,

I wonder if it’s the same for all of mankind

These doubts, this extreme and constant fear

At least right now I’m being sincere

Want to know how I feel?

It’s right here

Dig a little deeper and it’s crystal clear



All that’s left is ashes

All that’s left is flashes

Those of the past, almost making me smile

Those visions, they almost make it worthwhile

The happy moments, they’re fading away

They’re all I have left, please stay

In this apocalyptic environment, all is burnt

To be honest I deserved this,

It is no less than I earned



The feeling of dread that washes over me

It’s refreshing, at least it would be

If it hadn’t been the same for all this time

Keep getting stuck, don’t know how to rhyme

I just want to tell you of this burning sensation

Without all this hassle, it’s like a cremation

But for now I hide in symbolism and wordplay

Maybe someday I’ll truly explain it all,

Okay?

I’m depressed

I feel this constant pressure on my chest

Like I’m unable to exhale,

My body is starting to fail

My head is spinning,

My ears are ringing,

What is wrong?

I wish I knew

I’m feeling so blue.



Feeling blue, seeing blue

What does it sound like?

I don’t have a clue

I wish I was synesthetic

My ambitions, they’re so pathetic

Just want to somehow understand

Life is so bland, barely able to even stand

I am desperate for a sensation, anything

But instead my mind’s abandoning

Everything, my personality

It’s reaching its fatality

This abnormality in my mentality

Is eating me from within

Maybe I’ll just let it win

I just want to feel special

I just want to feel normal

I just want to feel.



I breathe, yet I’m not alive

Still going but I barely survive

I see, yet I’m blind

I keep fighting with my mind

I touch, yet I don’t feel

Barely even recognize what is real

I hang out in my mind all day,

The only place I find a way

A way to cope, but still suffer

I really need to find a new way to discover

How I need to handle this,

My brain shouldn’t be down in this abyss



I feel like I’m alone at sea

Completely isolated, nobody’s looking for me

The sky, the water, my mind- all blue

I don’t understand what I ever did to You

To deserve this kind of torture,

No lesson to be learned

“Oh no, I’m fine- no need to be concerned.”

It’s like it’s impossible to speak about,

I lie as if I expect a drought

Concerning the entire ocean

The only way I’ll ever get away,

Away from my emotion



I’m depressed

I feel this constant pressure on my chest

Like I’m unable to inhale,

My body is starting to fail

My head is ringing,

My eyes are spinning, 

What is wrong?

I wish I knew

I’m feeling so blue.



I’ll keep swimming, not yet seeing a horizon

I know this is ridiculous, but help me please Poseidon

Just help me out, nobody else will

Only one request you need to fulfill

Let me live, don’t swallow me whole

At least don’t eat away at my soul

I keep fighting through these waves

Slowly passing all these graves

Of the ones that fought before me

Wait, impossible, I finally see

A figure above the water,

A hand reaching out to the author

He wants to take it, more than anything

But he stops, and lets himself sink

To the bottom of the mighty sea

In a moment he’ll finally be free



The water fills his lungs, 
It’s time to say goodbye 

At least like this you can’t see him cry

Instead a sigh is all you’ll ever see

As he drowns, leaving like a nobody

Not a single soul will miss him

And not a single soul he’ll miss

That’s a lie- he only left the abyss

He leaves with regret, hating this choice

He’ll never hear another voice

Never hear anything anymore

Now he reaches the ocean floor

He’ll lay there forever

He’s still here,
This wasn’t clever whatsoever

Please just shut down for good,
Come on, you really should

Rid me of the pain, the lack of colour

Rid me of all of it, brother



For now I just lay here, in this blue abyss.

Hearing nothing, the only sound I dismiss

It’s that of my heartbeat, I despise it

But somehow I’m glad too, 
I have to admit.

I can’t see, I try but I can’t

Without all those colours, life is bland

Everything has turned to grey

From happiness to dismay

In the blink of an eye

Time to say goodbye

To your perfect little life

It’s turned into a struggle to survive

But my problem is my head

Not those two eyes of mine

I think my brain is dead

My eyes are working just fine


I envy those around me

Enjoying their lives, being free

Whilst I’m trapped in a grey environment

All dark, blurry and violent

Streams of tears trickle down my face

Are those tears or is it blood?

I should check, just in case

For I can’t distinguish one from the other

Then how am I ever to discover?



I’m full of open gashes

They hurt and I see flashes

Of my past, catching up to me

Leave me alone, I desperately plead

The present is still haunting my body

The future looks the same, a carbon copy

Full of hate, despair and depression

Introspection is the name of this session

Please don’t use discretion for your self-expression

Not a single concession it’s your possession

Say no to oppression, no to suppression

For you have to help yourself here

It’s a difficult road to get rid of the fear

To be free from the the thought

The one that your depression brought

The one occupying all of your brain

Screaming “YOU’RE NOTHING, YOU’RE INSANE!”

You’re stronger than that,

Please just have a little chat

About your issues, with anyone you trust

Your problems will decrease when discussed

Don’t stay colourblind, 
There’s too much you’re missing

Open up to people, don’t stay hidden


Depression is colourblind too

No matter how you look, it’ll find you

Do you know how long it look

For me to discover what was wrong?

Way longer than I could stay strong

But I figured it out, no I haven’t

I preach this advice, but my mind is still absent

Still struggling, but I think I know what to do

How to actually fix this, oh I wish I knew

It’s certainly hard, it’s a struggle

Chucking around all these emotions

Don’t even know how to juggle
I let them all fall, they crack and break
Don’t have emotions anymore,

All I do is fake


I envy those around me

Enjoying their lives, being free

Whilst I’m trapped in a grey environment

All dark, blurry and violent

Streams of tears trickle down my face

Are those tears or is it blood?

I should check, just in case

For I can’t distinguish one from the other

Then how am I ever to discover?

What I feel like

Who I am

This whole thing called life is a scam

It’s not what they told me it’d be

Or is it too soon, when will I be free?

When will I see colours, I don’t understand

They ask about my favourite colour, I pretend

“Oh it’s blue, or red or something..”

I know it’s wrong, I feel disgusting



I shouldn’t lie, I need to speak

As life keeps looking bleak

Don’t know how long I’ll survive

Not just pretend to live a life

I want to enjoy, laugh and discover

Not having to recover

From thinking for too long

That’s just what is wrong

I’m sick, so sick

From myself I’m so thick

I know what is wrong, but assistance?

I’d rather have some distance

Settled on coexistence

Gave up any persistence or resistance

Along the way,

The cost is that everything stays grey

Everything tastes the same

I claim I’m not to blame

I live in shame, 

Seeing who I became



I became weak, a grey character

Not knowing if I’m good or bad

Doesn’t matter, not a competitor

Simply breathing, going mad

It’ll be alright, it’ll sort itself out

Keep telling yourself that friend

As you drown in this drought

Of emotions

The colour of my eyes completely burnt,

It’s nothing I’ve been smoking- no you weren’t

I know because you’re weak

And he adds another streak

One of those colourful lines across your back

The umpteenth whack,

I no longer keep track

For the pain isn’t physical

My motives aren’t biblical

I know I am despicable

My story, oh so typical



A screech, loud enough to make ears bleed

It makes fluids trickle down, 

From blood to tears and both mislead

As they quickly merge,

Combining their strength of hurting

On the verge of a surge

Of energy, shooting through my body

This heap of bones and coloured flesh

Because that’s all I am

This is just an exam

The hardest one ever, though

Wait, this one I know!

I grab my pen and start writing

The ink isn’t blue, maybe it’s the lighting

It may sting but I’m getting the answer down

As I wince in pain the examiner greets me,

with a frown

This examiner is the toughest,

He is the roughest

No empathy

He exists because of an imbalance,

We’re diving into the chemistry

Not drowning for once as this we get,

Yet I sweat as this man is still a threat

He’s been waiting for me for a long time
I bet.


The eyes behind mine

Those evil-coloured ones,

They feel like dying

But those are only his

And I don’t plan on doing what he says

For I’m the real one,

Purposely look right at the sun

That coloured fiery ball of flames,

“Oh you’ll pay for that” He claims



Now my mind lacks colour,

Now there’s nothing to discover

No place to go, no place to be

Different shades, they hold the key

Key to my heart, key to my understanding

As to why my mind is so demanding

All is shadow but there’s no shade

You’d need the light for that

I reach for the blade

At least it’ll bring back some colour

Who knows what I’ll discover


We’ll walk around in this world together

Covered in blood

I’m completely shaking and I hear you say

“We’ll be alright, bud.”

It somehow comforts me, my only friend

He really cares, yet together we descend

Down this palette of colours
The last one I get stuck in

The ****** blood-coloured red

The only real colour in my head

A feeling of dread,

Just let me lay in bed until I’m dead



The colour trickles down my temple as I utter

“It was worth it.”

Now let me rest,

Put me five feet under