Be my friend
Hold me
Wrap me up
I am small
And needy
Warm me up

*they say that the smallest packages hold the biggest things

I do not know why I did it
Because I'm scared
Im a ******* coward
I cant take a leap
I never have been able to and probably never will
But I want you to know that infatuation passes
And either im the most ****** up person in the world or somehow despite it all I do love you
And the fault in our stars
Puta it very nicely or whatever
And everyone says that im too youngto understand livlove
Maybe they are right and I was scared
Thats why I asked
Because deapite everything I say which is true
I dont want to destroy myself
Even though I want to die
There is something inside of me that is still seeking to preserve me
And yes I have to be drunk on alcohol and tired for it to come out
I know its selfish
But its real
And I hate it
But iv learnt that sometimes if you decide to be a coward then you will live to see another day

I am

        A coward

Beyond a shadow
of
a doubt

I am

        A coward

Beyond a shadow
of
a doubt

What part
Of perfection
Dont you get?

I am imperfect

"Angels can fly" she whispered and jumped*

and she soared.
o how she soared
her white wings
stained by the blood that leaked from her wrists
charred from the Burns she gave herself
yet still white
white because there is still innocence in her heart
despite all the taunts
the blood
the tears
the pain
yes there is still innocence
so she ***** her great white wings
diving
swerving
doing flips in mid air
the wind snatching at her hair
and she laughs......

Because she is falling

"Angels can fly" she whispered and jumped

she fell
hit the ground
**and died

Stay strong
For me

Smile
For me

Cry
For me

Be happy
For me

Sleep
For me

Eat
For me

Resist
For me

Dont lose
For me

Be yourself
For me

Break your mask
For me

Dont fall
For me

Be strong
For me

What
Is writer's block
If not pure
Inecurity
Of oneself

I miss a 16 year old girl
I miss a girl with skin fairer than that ***** snow white
I miss a girl who lips are red like my blood
I miss a girl who's eyes could make me question everything and anything
I miss a girl who scoffed at my compliments
I miss a girl who called me a player
I miss a girl who could write beautifully
I miss a girl who saw more
I miss a girl that blocked all of my compliments
I miss a girl who was shy
I miss a girl who's tears could burn holes in my soul
I miss a girl who loved me
I miss a girl who trusted me
I miss a girl with blond hair
I miss a girl that wore nice earings
I miss a girl that hated herself
I miss a girl with scars on her wrist, bruises around her neck and burn marks on her legs
I miss a girl that could look into a mirror and not like what she saw
I miss a girl who thought she was ugly
I miss a girl ghat thought she was a curse to the world
I miss a girl that wanted to **** herself for most of her life
I miss a girl that drank
I miss a girl that did drugs
I miss a girl who loved the pain
I miss a girl who hated the numbnesa
I miss a girl that put others before herself not because she was kind but because she thought they were better than her
I miss a girl that I abandoned
I miss a girl who trusted me enough to tell me THAT SHE WAS ******* KILLING HERSELF
I miss a girl thagtnever showed anyone her tears but she showed me
I miss a girl that never showed anyone her scars but she showed me
I miss a girl that was so delusional that she showed me her trye self
I miss a girl that I hated for one day....I almost killed myself the day after
I miss a girl who had such an impact on me that I still feel her pain floating around in my head....

I miss a beautiful girl

I miss a girl that killed herself and it haunts me everyday

I love?
Your          POSION
dear one
Because
It numbs mine?!

I have cages below me
I float above them
My antigravitational force being my belief that I am superior
U take my blade and look at the captives in my cages
It seems to be close to feeding time
They are
Afterall
Throwing themselves agaisnt my cages
So I take out my blade
Letting them feed on the drops of blood pouring down my arm
They are sated

Lityle so they know
Ther is POSION IN MY BLOOD

HA
HA
ha
ha

Drip
Drip
Drip...
Goes the blood from the blade

Splat
Splat
Splat...
Goes the blood on the floor

Squeak
Squeak
Squeak...
Goes the mouse on the floor

Sniff
Sniff
Sniff...
Goes the mouse to the blood

Lick
Lick
Lick...
Goes the mouse to thw blood

Choke
Choke
Choke...
Goes the mouse on the floor

Fall
Fall
Fall...
Goes the mouse on the floor

Die!
Die!
Die...?
Goes the mouse on the floor

Ha
Ha
Ha...
Goes me :)

Hello*        
hopeful smile
He whispered because he was lonely

you know, I missed you  
hopeful smile    
He whispered to the darkness

anything you want to say?
suggestive
He whispered to the darkness

Ok fine.  I'll forgive you
ecstatic smile
He smiled the first real smile in ages

yesterday matheww made fun of me again
frown and look at ground
He was bullied

I wish you would help me
tear
I said in desperation

Answer me please
looking up with tears and desperation
I knew there would only be silence

show yourself
anger
I screamed

I'm scared
curl into ball in corner
I said

I'm lonely
start rocking back abd forth
I whispered

no I'm not lonely I'm happy
fake smile apoears in b face while rocking

*he he he he

Lets write something together

For he wanted something to rremember

ok?

ill give my memories for the plot

are you serious?
For they trusted each other so much that they knew

im scared to death but yeah

well in that case ill use my scars for the characters

some beautiful characters
For he saw the beauty in her pain

beautiful but painful

then ill use my tears for the flow of the story. Let them ease the pain

ill use my blood to stain it into the readers memory

can we use your memories.......

........ for what?

for the love

no 'tear'

ok.....

I want

SOMEONE

That I can trust

Someone to hold

Ten thousand tears I never cried for you
Nine thousand smiles I never showed you
Eight thousand frowns you never caused
Seven thousand kisses I want you to have
Six thousand longing glances you've never seen
Five thousand drops of blood not spilt for you
Four thousand walls punched in frustration
Three thousand doctor trips for broken fingers
Two thousand pies (just to make you smile)
One thousand tears actually cried for you
Five hundred screams of frustration
One hundred tears of happiness cried for you
Ten flowers of hatred not grown in my heart
Five minutes of rapture given to me by you
One constant thought:you

Ten: im scared
Nine: your scared
Eight: I miss you
Seven: do you miss me
Six: give me a blade
Five: let me cut your heart in half
Four: let me kiss you
Three: I'm lost
Two: find me
One: kiss me





Zero: the end

It was destined to be a bad night
Too many emotions
Too far into their ******
Too many emotions destined to lead to numbness
The numbness that would cause me to drift into a horrible hell
That night I knew would be extra worse because my orange princess was feeling bad
So I turned to my last resort
The thing that would help me survive
Alcohol
Vast amounts of alcohol to numb my emotions do that they would not escalate
And Make me numb
And I told her
I told my orange princess because I trust her
I did not think that it would have such a big affect on her
She was distraught
Sonething I could not understand
How she could Care For me
Her exact words as clear as my horrible life was

I'm sorry that my poison is numbing the affects of the alcohol

Previously we made a deal
We said

we should both stop apologising

And as she Apologised I just said
Dont be dear one

She never asked why
I hoped she would
Because I want her to know that the poison that numbed the alcohol gave me the vitality to carry on

Its an intresting thing
That she lies
Not to me
No
She would not lie to me
Simply because she
As a person
Is against any form of dishonesty
And that is why she completely believes that
She is
A stupid girl
An insignificant girl
A waste-of-space girl
A useless girl
But in reality she is the one I look to for inspiration
She is the one that makes me significant
She occupies the empty space in my heart
She is the most amazing person ever

I hope she knows that
To me
It is not just a silly goodnight note
It is what makes me sleep
It is not an unimportant rambling
It helps me love
It is not a pointless letter
It is what I keep close to my heart
It is not an unnecessary reminder
It is necessary for my vitality

And I hope that she knows that
She makes me feel like an amazing person
That she makes me feel like a monumental person
That she finally makes me feel adequate That she makes me feel valued

So that is why it is intresting in the most grotesque way that she lies to herself
And I hope that she knows that she does lie to herself

I love you

The abstract idea of paradise
But
In reality
Far from it actually
Love is an excruciatingly painful  resemblance of something people call pure and unrefined happiness
Love stings
Love burns
Love tears you apart
Love cuts
Its a painful thing
That
In all our sanity
Always strive for
But when you love someone and they love you back
Sting turns into stung
Burn turns into burns
Tears turn into seams
Cuts turn into scars
And with all of this you and the person can sit together and compare your
Stings
Burns
Seams
And scars
And tell our stories and reveal
IT
ALL
but knowing that he or she will take all those
Scars
And seams
And stings
And burns
And turn them into precious beautiful memories that make all that excruciating pain worth it
And I am beyond blessed to have shown my
Seams
Stings
Burns
And scars
To my dear one
To my orange princess

Brain                                    Heart
          c                                c
           h                             h
            a                           a
              i                         i
               n.....        .......n
                       ME

All these emotions

But
No
Way
To express
Them



****!!!!

She is like my ecstacy

I talk to her and I love it

I get so high

On her comments

On her poems

On her words

On the way she says tge words

She releases all the tension

All the pain

But like all

Good

Drugs

There is a down side

After I take my dose

I need more

I need more of my pure rapture

That's what I'm calling this drug

The rapture of the orange princess

It seems

           I can only cry tears
Of
Self
Pity

I wish she knew

 

I wish he knew

 

I cried last night

 

I thought about him all night last night

 

She steals my sleep like she steals my heart and tears

 

He is my 4am thoughts

 

I wonder if she can cry

 

Do boys cry over girls?

 

‘Cause I know that if I collected my tears, I could drown myself in them

 

There is nothing left of me, his presence haunts inside of me


I want to be part of everything that is her

 

Tomorrow I will tell him

 

Why don’t I just leave tonight, she wouldn’t even notice

 

I can’t wait to see him

 

Maybe I’ll stay to see her. Just once more

 

What am I thinking? I’m just a weird girl.

 

I love the way she is so weird and different

 

I have tied the noose

 

She looks sad. I want to be sad with her

 

Time for me to kick the chair

 

I could call her

 

I will always love him

 

No, stupid idea… Why not

 

(she dies)

 

Why isn’t she picking up 
I knew this was a bad idea

I don’t have a chance

I heard the news at school today

 

I hate myself

 

I hate her

 

(stumbles into janitors closet in tears)

(lays there for hours)

(he grabs a bottle of bleach and drinks it.

 

The end.

I'm just a hopeless romantic

    That dares to have hope

What are you gonna do about t?

I hate you
*******
Go die coz I will not fall
Your comments will not push me over the ******* edge
No
No beauty is gonna be present when I rip your heart from your chest only to find dust
I will destroy you
I will **** you
I will win
I shall triumph

*nothing.  You win

The knife slices into my arm
Its like ice
Thin cold ice
So cold it burns
The heat starts straight after the cold
The red hot heat
That flows over my black and white life
The red hot heat
That helps me
It keeps me from  the rope just a while longer

The comment slices into my soul
Cold
And hard
Just like the voice that uttered it
The pain starts hours later
After school
After sport
After supper
It starts in bed
In darkness
Whwn im alone and it returns
And it pushes me
It hurts but ill not fall
And I started this poem with beauty in mind but im ending it with

******* BITCHCUNT

I WILL NOT ******* LOOSE

Let's write a piece together
I'll use my dreams for the drama
I'll use my nightmares for the fear(excited tone)
Yeah and I'll use my tears for the plot (fearful voice)
Yes great idea.  Your a genius(dreamy tone)
Really? (Hesitant)

(They love each other)

no ******* I just say random things(playful sarcastic tone)
Well maybe. .. I thought we could use your heart for the beauty(hesitant yet excited)
my heart is ugly
Your eyes are ugly if they cannot see your heart's beauty (playful tone)

(Tear in eye)maybe I could use yourheart to fix mine

Only if you'll fix mine

(They love each other)

Even Hp
Makes me ask

               Will I ever be enough

Itsallthesame

In ever movie
Story
Myth
Rumour

Itsallthesame

The guy ***** up
The girl leaves
The guy chases her
Happily ever after

Itsallthesame

The guy looks across the room
He sees a girl
The guy chases her
Happily ever after

Itsallthesame

The guy works hard
The guy is strong
The guy fixes it
The guy doesn't get hurt
But my darling we actually do

So *******


Happily never after

It can be dangerous*

She whispered this as I helped her
Choked her
Poisoned her

It's not completely true
you know
Thry say that you have a process you follow
Get born
Go to school
Graduate
Get a job
Meet a nice girl
Marry her
Have kids
Grow old

Die

But it's changed  
You know
Get born
Have a sweet little childhood till highschool
Start thinking
Become sad
Have the emotions
Cut
Drink
Smoke
Become numb
Cut
Drink
Smoke
Get the rope
Cry
Kick the chair out

Die

The animal is close
Close by me
Close by my heart
Willing to give it all up just to have a bite at my pitiful half heart
Torn
Broken
And I carry on
I do not know why
Its a long endless sriver that flows in a circle
Yet I still swim and I dont know why
I drown
Yet live
I swear I could drink the entire river and still not die
So I carry onnswimming rather than drowning
The latter seems better though

I never said I choose to be happy I said I choose to carry on

I wish he knew

I wish she knew

He is so cute so handsome
The perfect guy

She is amazing utterly pure abd beautiful

His lips as soft as velvet
His hands so gentle
His eyes so thoughtful

Her lips like pure silk
Her hands so small and tendrr
Her eyes the epitome of intent

He kissed me once
We were drunk

She kissed me once
I was drunk

The deathly smell of intoxication on his lips meeting with mine

The sweet numbness of intoxication mixing into her breath

My poison flowing into him numbing the effects of his drunkenness

Her vivacious poison numbing the numbness. Like alcohol but better and sweeter

There was no lust in me for him only him to be mine

I did not wish for her body I wished for her to be mine and mine alone

I would **** any ***** who so much as dares look at him

I would break the teeth of any guy who does anything to her

Ugh

****

I wish I could show him

I wish she could just see

I would never let him down

I would kiss her, tell her she is beautiful

I would smothrt my pains in his sweet tender arms

I would call her just to say 'I love you'

I would save my tears for him in two differnt jars. One big. One small.

I would cry rivers for her

The big one for happiness
The small one for pain
Both because of him

I woildt break my arm over and over for every tear spilt from her precious eyes

I wish he knew

I wish she knew

There sits a man
With a wooden leg and a thousand wrinkles
Smoke around his blue sailors cap
Smoke shrouding all but his eyes in a mysterious sense of pain
The smoke fades from a gentle grey to a dark midnight black
Now there are only the eyes
The purple eyes sticking out of a shroud of black smoke as if they were the beacon to heaven
The eyes stare into the distance
Suddenly a part of the black smoke curls into itself and explodes in a rush of air and stale old smoke
Now there are two dots of lucios purple smoke
They float towards me and stay there
With a strange glint in them they look towards the black smoke
I say look for that is what they were doing
The blavk smoke starts moving inwards
As if there were a great source of power summoning theme
The speed increases and I feel extreme fear and power
I blink
And right there sits the man
With a wooden leg and a thousand wrinkles
With a blue sailors cap
But now his wrinkles are different
They are black
Like the smoke that moments ago was around him
That smoke was now in him
His skin was normal
Soft as a baby but his wrinkles were black
The two purples eyes that float before me seem to beckon towards the wrinkle in the mans brow
I walk forward and I look into the wrinkle
The eyes float behind my head now
Suddenly a force pushes me into the wrinkle
I fall in the vast abyss that is this wrinkle
And I feel it all
Pain
Fear
Love
Death
Hatred
Apprehension
Lust
Sadism
Masochism
But above all guilt
The horrible darkness pushes the guilt into my soul and crushes me
What did this man do that is hidden by his wrinkle did he....
There sits a man
With a wooden leg and a thousand wrinkles
And a blue sailors cap

You sent me a song
While we were talking and that was it
Nothing else you just sent it
And before I listenee I googled the lyrics and read them as I listened
Im glad I did coz you were trying to say something
You wanted me to understand
The pain
The fear
The horror

The tears I could never cry

So I read it and I cried
My soul is stained by the tears I cried
No tears flowed down my cheeks for even though I want to be the person you save your heart for I cannot even cry real tears for you
And in the end I still cant cry
In the end in just a little boy with kind words that are never enough for someome like you

The orange princess is in tears
In a bath of tears
Tears cried by my soul for her
The tears blrnd around her seeming to want to be part of her but can never be because the pain they show are just not worthy of her
They mix with the red droplets of blood leaking from my eyes
For to see you makes eyes such as mine cry tears of blood
Together the blood and the tears make a sea of red around my orange princess
Swirling
Mixing....
......
......


Crying

Nowhere is safe

            it pursues me

Where shall I find freedom

          will it ever relent

freedom is a concept of death

Then why do we seek it

             it grunts in lustful excitement

the dead are the only truly free people

Freedom does exist

            hold on to your youthful hope

yes it will help

        the claws rip into my flesh

death is in front of me

Frredom does exist? Does it! Please......

When the tears flow, there's no stopping them. The come cascading down, along with those chains you use to control your heart.
The tears you refused to cry so many times, because you wanted to be strong ,you wanted to be in control.
But did you know that in holding in those tears, pushing away those feelings only make them worse when they return?
Yes ,you did. So when you can't hide it on your own anymore, you turn to the bottle ,or anything that can numb your emotions.
And in that moment, that first gulp, or cut, or meal skipped, that is when the invisible tears start, and that is when I Wish I Could Cry.

There are so many of us
And when I met the first of us before I knew I was one of us
I though
"**** this person got the unluckiest thing ever"
And I though I would help her and that would be that
I was innocent and I thought this was an uncommon case
And as I grew up became smarter
I met more
And more of us
And we are not uncommon
But we are all ****** up
And I wish I could go back to being so innocent and ignorant
And noq I know we are real
And im one of us
And I struggle
As we all do
But now we have two options
We have jumped into a raging river
And we can choose to float and enjoy the ride until we drown
Enjoying sweet blissful pain
Or we can swim and fight against the current
Never give up and use everything we have to survive
And its not easy
If it were we wouldnt struggle
But know this that you might hate yourself but you love others who are swimming with you
And if they see you float they will be discouraged
And they will float
And sooner rather than later everyone will be floating
Dying a sweet death
But hating yourswlf even more because you let them float
You said its ok to float
So they listened and they died
So know this you can float or swim
I love the rest of us
So I will swim because I hate myself but will not let the others die
So float or swim
Which is it

You know how people say 'I cry everyday'
Im not like that I
should cry everyday
but I don't allow myself to

I am in constant battle with myself.
Emotions vs. Rationalization

And every time my emotions win they send me to hell until rationalization or forgetfullness pulls me back

My emotions say things like 'your useless'
'nobody loves you'
'you should die'
and I know these are lies but the thing Is that coz I know they are lies it hurts even more that I would betray myself like that
And this happens all the time
When rationalization wins im sane for a while but I know it won't last long becsuse the emotions become more while my rationalization is constant.  Strong but constant.  
So I wait in constant fear of when it boils over. In fear of the pain my fuckedupness will cause others coz my emotions control me and say nasty things to others. And seeing your pain hurts me
And you may not hate me but my emotions hate me.  
And if I hate someone I cause them pain because I dont easily hate someone.
So this is me
This is who I am



And I hate it

You know what i hate the most
Well not really
Its impossible to know what you hate the most
But anyway
What i hate the most is that i cant be crazy
I cant use the 'back door' as tge joker describes it
I have on countless occasions imagined myself freaking out
Storming through the house breaking things
Grabbing my mothers wallet
And leaving the house
Surviving off the streets
And my mothers credit card
I have imagined
That i would get involved in drugs and alcohol
Start hanging with the wrong crowd
Doing anything for the next dose
I have imagined immersing myself in a world of lust
Constanyly searching for ***
The newest *****
And then doin anything to enhance the experience
I have imagined myself having a mental breakdown
Becoming crazy
Doing things that can onky be excused by madness
Being given a straight jacket
Being forcefed pills
Living in a padded cell unable to **** myself
Coz even if i starve myself they will make sure i survive
I have imagined cutting myself
Living in a world of private torment
Until the pain becomes too much
Then i spend three weeks writing my suicide note
Because my emotions are so hard to peg
Coz i have spent my entire life hiding and running away from them
And so far i have succeded
And then i get the rope
Get the suit and spend three days 'gracefully defiling' it as my last piece of art
Then i burn it all because im too scared to do it
Then i restart
I have imagined that i sseek solace in violence
In crime

Stealing small things
Getting angrier and angrier
Ubtil i **** someone
Then spend my life in prison
I have imagined that i become a famous writer
Feeling empty and lonely
Fi ding the woman i love and wishing i hadnt
Because i end up killing myself and hurting her
I have imagined tgat i stop ****
Become a nobel peace prize winner
Become famous
Then die without the right woman
I have imagined that i am a gamous singer
But end up killing myself coz the fame is too much
And the attention drives me over the edge
I have imaginex that i go to sleep and not wake up
To go peacefully
Coz thats wgat i ****
Peace
I have imagined that my family throws me out and i fend for myself
I work hard
Survive by washing cars
Or working a petrol pump
I have imagined that my whole family dies
Then i choke up coz i love them so much i cqnt continue with this ******* illusion
And i  the end i cant do it all
In the end im just a ******* little boy with depression
In the end i want to cut but am so scared that i cry myself to sleep
In the end im a little boy that refuses to take medication
Because tgat is his way of defying this disease
In the end im a boy that says things like 'this is my way of defying the disease' but actually im just so scared
In the end i lie fo myself to make it better
In the end i know im lying but i still do it
In the end i still believe .it And i wish this was the end but its not
Coz ill probably die
Married to a woman i love
But never being able to do what i love
Because I care about other people so much I would give them anything for them to be happy