Sleep deprivation is knocking at the door
It asks to come inside
"No, most definitely not!"
For I must lay here, awake
But you are tired ma'am, you must sleep
"No! If I were to sleep, I will dream of him"
You are only hurting yourself, ma'am.
"I couldn't possibly hurt anymore than I do right now"
Then why don't you sleep, ma'am,
*Why don't you sleep?

I find solace in building a fire solely for myself
Creativity under the influence of cannabis
Loneliness at the bottom of a Skinny Girl wine bottle
Clarity while watching an apocalyptic thunderstorm
Invincibility when engaging in an argument with a superior
Confusion when I go home alone
And temptation, from everything unavailable to me.

The memory of you is engraved in my mind
Your tender touch
Your faded smile
The thought of you seeps deeper into the hole in my heart
I find myself longing for your kiss towards the close of my night
I wait up
Thinking,
Dreaming you will knock on my door
Realizing the love we could have together,
The life we could have together

I know it is wasteful to think in this way,
To think of you
But every time I do
I pray someday,
Someone
Will love me the way I could have loved you.

Maybe the answer is not to fight the word,
But to change the stigma placed upon it.

This heart in my chest,
It is beating again
Each note strikes with sharp conviction,
It's rhythm unscathed
My lungs work exhaustively
Each breath taxing
This song is composed for a single man,
For a man who cannot assume it's worth
So soon this melody will fade,
The powerful beats will subside,
And I will begin my search for another victim
To muse it's apparent flutter.

*** silences my emotionality
For thirty minutes,
Sanity

We don't have to like each other
For thirty minutes,
There is no love to discover

Animosity
For thirty minutes,
Nobody is asking for honesty

One day I will figure it out
But for these thirty minutes,
You're all I'm about.

Loneliness
It rests firmly on top of my chest
Weighing me down
Forcing me to feel it

This loneliness
It doesn't happen surrounded by strangers
It doesn't even happen when I'm all alone
You see,
It happens the most when you are with me
When you are downstairs packing your things
As I sit upstairs in our bed
Conflicted
Should I let him go this time?
Thoughts consume my mind
As the pressure builds up in my chest
You are slowly killing me
And the worst part is,
I'm not sure if I want to stop it

And finally I realized
I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore

My feelings lie
Somewhere between
Freedom and devotion
Do I let myself fall
Or fly
Do they mean the same
When you're involved

Failure is a virtue
Or at least that's what they say when they hurt you
I'm here and I'm open
You tryna steer and I'm coastin'
The words won't solve it
I run on emotion,
I'm starving
For the part of you I can't see
The **** that made you bleed
I know he's in there
Scared to share his cross to bare
So don't leave me guessing
Matter of fact, stop stressing
Because I'm here for good
And I love you--
Probably way more than I should

Lack of self confidence
We morph into the people surrounding us
Then they ask us who we are
Silence

I think of all the horrible events in my life
Isn't that the answer
Everything sad or traumatic
So we can continue to sulk in our pathetic lives
"My pain is worse than yours"

But what about our successes
It seems almost unnatural
In a world tainted by weakness and destruction
Why can't we absorb the light?

He lies,
Peacefully wrapped around my frozen skin
Grumbling as he steals the sheets,
Simultaneously dragging my heart along with them.
His lips press against my own
I feel happy,
Wanted, even.
Though I know deep down that this warmth--
From his alluring touch,
From this beautiful bed,
It won't keep me from running.
... nothing can keep me from running.

I’m your final attempt
At love, at commitment
You are growing older
So you asked me a question
And I answered, willingly
Though, I can’t help but wonder
Is it us against the world
Or you,
Alone against the world
Racing against the clock

I would rather be told
If your thoughts shifted
To another
If my baggage
Became too heavy to bare
If the road ahead
Was gagged and full of obstacles
If your thoughts
Were suddenly negative
I would rather know
If you no longer loved me

Today was the day
When intuition has come to fruition
The love has left your eyes
Silence graces your lips
I feel you pulling away
From the fighting
The games
You are no longer mine
It’s a hard pill to swallow
When love still lingers deep inside of me
It’s dark and lonely in here
In this place of sheer solitude
Alone with my thoughts and vulnerability
Where do I go from here?

The bad times
They are beginning to outshine the good
Love shouldn’t be this hard
Pain shouldn’t be this frequent
The constant disappointment—
Maybe I expect too much
Though I suppose I expect what I give
Unconditional love
Consideration
Thoughtfulness
Is that too much to ask for?

I was shown the world through a creative lens,
One where superpowers were real
And laughter was endless
Somewhere between the innocence and experience,
Life happened
The hero's began to fall
The sun forgot to rise
Soon, imaginations were misused
Actions misguided,
Though faint memories of juvenility remain--
The undeniable feeling of believing in something amazing
Of something beautiful
And I remember,
For a fraction of a second, I remember what it feels like to be *free

It hurts
All of it
The yelling,
The fighting,
The talking
I’m exhausted
I watch you
As you do anything
Anything
To avoid apologizing
To avoid my feelings
I tell you I’m not okay
You hop on the game
I’m left to my thoughts,
My pain,
As it turns into rage
And it’ll all start again soon
But only if I stay...

Darkness brings demons for everyone
A threatening shadow in the corner of a room,
Faint, distant noises from an old decrepit home
The incessant cry of a child,
Steady whimper of a widower
All-consuming thoughts of anxiousness and worry
The unknown
Such demons leave darkness as the adversary
But what if darkness,
It's demons
Was truly heavenly light escaping brutal reality

Oblivion
Calling on me like a senseless toddler
Poisoning my body
Maybe I will feel something
Maybe you will notice me
Nonsense.
Take another hit, my child
It can only help you now

Sensitivity is negative
Or at least that’s what they say
Sadness, anger, love
Must be hidden away

Buried deep between the lines
Emotions must stay
For the world is not ready
Leave your feelings at bay

Certain individuals dedicate their lives to achieve such a title
Others simply idolize those they wish they could be while standing shyly in the shadows
But most,
Most people just want to be accepted.

There are days when I curse God for giving me these feelings
All feelings,
Both pleasant and dreadful
It seems they cut deeper than most
That these emotions are somehow "more than"
I wonder why it is
Why am I beckoned to feel so much
Why does the person next to me seem to feel so little
Sensitivity and empathy combine to form self destruction
The worst part?
I feel it happening.

The world is burning
Yellow, red... black
I hear your screams for validation
Yet, I lay here, immobile

The flame resides at the foot of my bed
Intensity, pain... beauty
I burn within her core
For this fire is my creation,
And I must die loving her.

Tiny missels cut across the nighttime sky
Each earth shattering bang continuously rings in the ears of thousands,
As the colorful aftermath delicately tapers off into the distance.
Once again, the sky is clear
For these shimmery bulbs of light have fulfilled their destiny
One combustion
One reaction
One disappearance
And worst of all,
They make it look easy

It happens unexpectedly
When I'm making us breakfast
Eggs, bacon
Maybe hash browns if I feel like it
No matter the moment
It's the same feeling
One I'm not used to
I've been happy before
I've felt fearless
This is different
This is... wholesome
It's as if anything can happen
Anything,
And I know we'd be okay
I think for the first time in my life
I'm choosing someone other than myself
I want this
And like the others,
It'll work until it doesn't
But I want this to work
Till the very end
I think that's the difference

Why is it that something so wrong can feel so right?
Is it because we want something we can’t have?
Or that we currently have something we don’t want?
Questioning everything we have because of new possibilities
Yearning for more whilst wondering if there is anything for us…

Passing through the unknown was beautifully tragic
The thrill, the chase
I got high from the thought alone
When it happened… perfection
His touch illuminated my mind
Subtle yet significant marks on my skin
Happiness

Time passes
The air alone begins to suffocate me
Family, friends
Their eyes speak louder than their harsh words
Each glare pierces through my skin and into my heart
Why did I do this?
Stupidity, ignorance

Steady judgments begin to define me
Nowhere to run, to hide
Supporters have doubts
Loneliness

Remorse consumes me
Yet regret yields far from my mind
For how could I regret the moment I’ve hoped for my entire life?

Anger
Apologies
Tears
… *Lust

I am closed
My heart, barricaded
Molded together by unequivocal fear and total agony
It lies in bleak solitude
Pulsating with every emotion,
Yet left it it's cage, utterly dissatisfied
There are times when my heart can hear
It can hear the beckoning call of my suitor,
Begging this troubled heart to mend his pain
At times, it might understand the misery
Though, it is reminded readily,
That these walls are not meant for destruction
That these walls, shall instead last a lifetime

My heart cannot fix you,
My heart cannot fix this
It is unable to mend your wounds,
As mine have yet to heal

We worry about the way people perceive us;
Pounding makeup into our overworked pores
Claiming the raunchy clothing makes us happy
And praying to God we don't embarrass ourselves.

It's as if societies configurations of who we are holds the immense power to truly define each and every one of us,
That their words, their intense language, controls our destiny.

Unfortunately, only you hold that power
You can opt to listen to the voices of those who wish only to see you crumble,
Or you can decide for yourself, that you will be much more than that.

Choose wisely.

I look to the stars
In moments of weakness,
Or serenity
The stars share their wisdom,
Their delicacy
Those that recognize this
They seek the beauty in the darkness
Flourish in the moonlight,
Bask in the wonder

So each night,
I look to the stars,
And they help guide me home.

As a race,
We were limitless
Unstoppable, even
We took life by the horns.
Nowadays,
We matter very little
It's a dog eat dog mentality
Human life is consistently disrespected by its inhabitants
And this is not the way it was meant to be,
No,
It is the way we have made it.

Your heart is my playground
Your body, my mission
A sinister touch,
I've marked my position
This child of night,
I am your musician
I'll play you a song
Of my own volition

Love is not love
For if you are near
Happy men
Riddled with fear
Your mind is sharp,
Your hair a mess
Please give us his heart
As it beats in your chest

How dare you
Threaten me with leaving
Claiming I’m insecure and difficult
While your anger rises
Your insults harden
I slap you
I run
You catch me
I feel your hands wrap themselves firmly around my neck
I can’t breathe
You pick me up and throw me through the door,
Onto the balcony
I shake in fear
In pain
You leave
Only to return the following day
Singing songs
Talking to friends
Ignoring me
Until I break down
Force the conversation
Then, without validation
Without a genuine apology,
You begin to pretend like everything’s okay
Like there’s no love lost
As if the person I saw yesterday
Matches the person before me
I weep in the bathroom
In the car
In my bed
Anywhere
Anywhere away from you
And soon I’ll stop caring
I’ll stop loving
You might wonder when you lost me
Or how
Well, the answer is here
The answer is now

I wished to explore all parts of you,
The gentle sway of your torso
The ***** words falling from your lips
I was inspired by your movement,
The profanity

It was a romance between millennials,
One fueled by intoxication and lust
Sparked by passion
Ignited by jealousy

We might even share words,
Stories of our past
Hopes for the future
But they'll always be just that

These moments won't last
Youth and spontaneity comes with a price
A price we must pay,
And a love we must sacrifice.

I wasn’t ready
When the time came
And you were taken from me

I wasn’t ready
As they pumped blood into my veins
So that I could selfishly survive

I wasn’t ready
To see your father’s face
The love... the disappointment

You see,
I wasn’t ready to lose you
I was ready to love

People speak of the exciting moments,
The ones in which we feel alive or troubled
Exotic adventures
Love;
Lust
Each story, either tragic or remarkable,
Extends across boarders.  

Immense joy and overbearing pain continues to trump serenity
As we seldom speak of those moments in which we feel useless
When the world seems to be spinning around us,
Our bodies senseless to it's movement.
Unfortunately,
These are the moments that make us human
The moments in which we are the most connected,
Yet our need to feel either happy or sad denies it's significance
And once again we find ourselves alone,
Alone in this life of neglected unity.

The drive seems longer
The road, thinner
I feel lost
Right now you would be sitting casually on my right hand side,
Commenting on my horrific driving,
Packing a bowl
... But I'm alone now

Shiver bumps portrayed on my arms
I wonder,
Are you here? Is it really you?
Silence
Anxiety
I want you here
I need you here
Please,
Tell me it will be okay
Nothing.
I'm starting a new life
One without you
And...
              *I'm scared

I never expected to find you
Even as you lay in my tense grip
Even as we make love in the moonlight
It doesn't feel real
We are scarred
We are flawed
And yet,
We are happy

It's Thursday,
We sit in the living room
You start grinding the ****
I watch, patiently
In awe of your beauty
Not just your physical appearance,
The beauty in your demeanor
The way you carry yourself
You look up at me
I stare, blankly
We laugh

We got married
Secretly
We lost a child
Secretly
The best moment
And the worst
I would've drowned in self pity
If you hadn't saved me from myself
Thank you for staying

Thank you for loving me.

Your soul sings a melody
One that makes me feel
Something
Safety; love
I picked up the pieces
Glued what’s left back together
Now I’m handing it to you
No longer broken
Healed
Whole
Ready

Hoes
*******
Endearment

Fat 'ol ***
Big 'ol *******
Entertainment  

Side ***
Main chick
Evolution

Brain
Chemistry
Erectile Dysfunction

It was fun at the beginning
Our bodies,
Consumed by alcohol and drugs
A deep sense of intimacy,
Derived from our compatible nature
We quickly became creatures of the night
Causing chaos,
Entertaining our limits
Laughing in the face of embarrassment

Though suddenly everything changed
The language you spoke became unrecognizable
As if the words leaving your lips were not your own
I wondered hopelessly how this came to be
How your heart and mind separated from your body
How our schemes lost meaning

I know that I cannot save you from yourself,
From this impending loneliness you so desire
Or the overarching fear of falling in love;
Of love's inconvenience

So I begin my descent
Deep into the walls of my own depression,
In a last chance effort to save myself
From failure,
From euphoria,
...From love altogether.

Girls get wasted on the slightest possibility of love
Boys get drunk off of cheap beer and a little cleavage
I stand, cold, at the center of the room
Strangers pass
I want so badly to speak up
Something stops me every time  
Something I have yet to understand.
For now, though
I am closed off
And I'm just fine with that
At least I think I am.

You have a gun
He has a gun
She has a gun
Now the power you once felt while holding that metal death machine is faded away by the power of his
So,
What now?

****--
It constitutes a plethora of emotions
Whether it be by virtue of relativism,
Or basic humanism
We all feel something towards the word ****.

Though when the TV flashes wildly with a new case,
A white male's innocent face plastered across the media
Any previous notion of humanity is tainted--
Doubt and confusion, its captor.
But he's a respectable man--
A scholar,
A Stanford swimmer?
"He is not a ******"

So we find ourselves back here,
Staring lucidly at the word "****"
Feeling those same shuddering feelings,
Yet still searching for a better explanation.

It hurts
Everything hurts

I wanted to help others
Now I’m the reason behind their tears

I’ve made a mistake
I feel selfish for saying that

Deny deny deny
The truth hurts more

We can’t speak now
Loneliness thrives within my aching body

No one knows
No one knows
No one knows

It's hard to watch her suffer
Tears streaming down her face
Collecting at her cheekbone,
Then falling onto the bedsheets all at once

She's crying over you again
I suppose it's a mixture of the lying and cheating
I wonder if I should tear into you like an unwrapped Christmas present
Though, I suspect Karma will suffice
For she's not creating these rivers of tears for nothing, my dear
Good luck.

My nails are painted as black as the midnight sky,
My hair, cut short---bleached
I sit comfortably on my hardened mattress
The words on the page begin to look the same
Red, red, red
The blood drips slowly from my fingertips.

I would like to say that I feel lonely in this place,
That I feel misery has finally found it's company
Yet I find that even alone,
I am suffocating
These walls are slowly closing in on me,
And I can't find a reason to stop them.

One step, two steps
Steady breaths
Emotional thoughts
Problems
Solutions
More problems
Better solutions
I can see the finish line
Exhaustion
Tranquility
And finally,
Silence.

You lay to my left
Your body,
Cold and motionless.
I trace my steady finger across your spine
A sensual motion,
Ignored.

I consider how it was before this moment
You once wrote me of happiness;
Of pleasant intimacy
Yet you choose to lie against this chilled, defaced wall,
Rather than within my tender grip

It must hurt
To feel so alone in a world full of people
I wish to show you love,
Spontaneity,
Passion.
But we both know you'll be leaving soon,
And the world has no time for lessons of love

Passionate
The image of you is engraved in my mind
Each piece is essential to your being
I wouldn't compromise a thing  
Obsessive*

Observant
I will familiarize myself with your likes and dislikes
Push your buttons just right,
In order for you to hate me just as much as you love me
Manipulative

Misunderstood
Mystery and suspicion thrive within my tense bones
I just want your love
And your tears
*Self-destructive