The bad times
They are beginning to outshine the good
Love shouldn’t be this hard
Pain shouldn’t be this frequent
The constant disappointment—
Maybe I expect too much
Though I suppose I expect what I give
Unconditional love
Consideration
Thoughtfulness
Is that too much to ask for?

Loneliness
It rests firmly on top of my chest
Weighing me down
Forcing me to feel it

This loneliness
It doesn't happen surrounded by strangers
It doesn't even happen when I'm all alone
You see,
It happens the most when you are with me
When you are downstairs packing your things
As I sit upstairs in our bed
Conflicted
Should I let him go this time?
Thoughts consume my mind
As the pressure builds up in my chest
You are slowly killing me
And the worst part is,
I'm not sure if I want to stop it

You build me up
And tear me down
All at the same time

How dare you
Threaten me with leaving
Claiming I’m insecure and difficult
While your anger rises
Your insults harden
I slap you
I run
You catch me
I feel your hands wrap themselves firmly around my neck
I can’t breathe
You pick me up and throw me through the door,
Onto the balcony
I shake in fear
In pain
You leave
Only to return the following day
Singing songs
Talking to friends
Ignoring me
Until I break down
Force the conversation
Then, without validation
Without a genuine apology,
You begin to pretend like everything’s okay
Like there’s no love lost
As if the person I saw yesterday
Matches the person before me
I weep in the bathroom
In the car
In my bed
Anywhere
Anywhere away from you
And soon I’ll stop caring
I’ll stop loving
You might wonder when you lost me
Or how
Well, the answer is here
The answer is now

It hurts
All of it
The yelling,
The fighting,
The talking
I’m exhausted
I watch you
As you do anything
Anything
To avoid apologizing
To avoid my feelings
I tell you I’m not okay
You hop on the game
I’m left to my thoughts,
My pain,
As it turns into rage
And it’ll all start again soon
But only if I stay...

I wasn’t ready
When the time came
And you were taken from me

I wasn’t ready
As they pumped blood into my veins
So that I could selfishly survive

I wasn’t ready
To see your father’s face
The love... the disappointment

You see,
I wasn’t ready to lose you
I was ready to love

I love our story
The one we wrote
When the leaves were changing
And we were learning how to love
It's messy
It's unique
But most importantly,
It's us.

I never expected to find you
Even as you lay in my tense grip
Even as we make love in the moonlight
It doesn't feel real
We are scarred
We are flawed
And yet,
We are happy

It's Thursday,
We sit in the living room
You start grinding the ****
I watch, patiently
In awe of your beauty
Not just your physical appearance,
The beauty in your demeanor
The way you carry yourself
You look up at me
I stare, blankly
We laugh

We got married
Secretly
We lost a child
Secretly
The best moment
And the worst
I would've drowned in self pity
If you hadn't saved me from myself
Thank you for staying

Thank you for loving me.

It happens unexpectedly
When I'm making us breakfast
Eggs, bacon
Maybe hash browns if I feel like it
No matter the moment
It's the same feeling
One I'm not used to
I've been happy before
I've felt fearless
This is different
This is... wholesome
It's as if anything can happen
Anything,
And I know we'd be okay
I think for the first time in my life
I'm choosing someone other than myself
I want this
And like the others,
It'll work until it doesn't
But I want this to work
Till the very end
I think that's the difference

Failure is a virtue
Or at least that's what they say when they hurt you
I'm here and I'm open
You tryna steer and I'm coastin'
The words won't solve it
I run on emotion,
I'm starving
For the part of you I can't see
The **** that made you bleed
I know he's in there
Scared to share his cross to bare
So don't leave me guessing
Matter of fact, stop stressing
Because I'm here for good
And I love you--
Probably way more than I should

I feel it coming
It’s creeping up like a spoiled step daughter
My guard is down
My armor shed
I’m naked,
Exposed to love
& the pain that comes with it

I feel it coming
Loves reckoning
Please,
Take pity on me

Baby,
I know you love me
I feel it
As your body sways
Every word,
Every touch
Attempted to break these walls
At first it was bliss
What once felt fun,
Free
Now feels foreign
I don’t want to be here
I can’t be here
I’m sorry

I’m your final attempt
At love, at commitment
You are growing older
So you asked me a question
And I answered, willingly
Though, I can’t help but wonder
Is it us against the world
Or you,
Alone against the world
Racing against the clock

My feelings lie
Somewhere between
Freedom and devotion
Do I let myself fall
Or fly
Do they mean the same
When you're involved

I would rather be told
If your thoughts shifted
To another
If my baggage
Became too heavy to bare
If the road ahead
Was gagged and full of obstacles
If your thoughts
Were suddenly negative
I would rather know
If you no longer loved me

Your soul sings a melody
One that makes me feel
Something
Safety; love
I picked up the pieces
Glued what’s left back together
Now I’m handing it to you
No longer broken
Healed
Whole
Ready

Going through the motions
Becomes harder everyday
Daydreaming
Sleeping
Anything to make me feel sane
I have found that it’s easier
To live life without living
When your heart folds
And your story
Is left untold

Today was the day
When intuition has come to fruition
The love has left your eyes
Silence graces your lips
I feel you pulling away
From the fighting
The games
You are no longer mine
It’s a hard pill to swallow
When love still lingers deep inside of me
It’s dark and lonely in here
In this place of sheer solitude
Alone with my thoughts and vulnerability
Where do I go from here?

And finally I realized
I don’t want us to hurt each other anymore

Fear
Pain
Guilt
Jealousy
Hatred
Anger
Sadness

Emotions we feel
That separate us from other beings
While simulatenously
Tearing us apart

Sensitivity is negative
Or at least that’s what they say
Sadness, anger, love
Must be hidden away

Buried deep between the lines
Emotions must stay
For the world is not ready
Leave your feelings at bay

I am closed
My heart, barricaded
Molded together by unequivocal fear and total agony
It lies in bleak solitude
Pulsating with every emotion,
Yet left it it's cage, utterly dissatisfied
There are times when my heart can hear
It can hear the beckoning call of my suitor,
Begging this troubled heart to mend his pain
At times, it might understand the misery
Though, it is reminded readily,
That these walls are not meant for destruction
That these walls, shall instead last a lifetime

My heart cannot fix you,
My heart cannot fix this
It is unable to mend your wounds,
As mine have yet to heal

There are days when I curse God for giving me these feelings
All feelings,
Both pleasant and dreadful
It seems they cut deeper than most
That these emotions are somehow "more than"
I wonder why it is
Why am I beckoned to feel so much
Why does the person next to me seem to feel so little
Sensitivity and empathy combine to form self destruction
The worst part?
I feel it happening.

I look to the stars
In moments of weakness,
Or serenity
The stars share their wisdom,
Their delicacy
Those that recognize this
They seek the beauty in the darkness
Flourish in the moonlight,
Bask in the wonder

So each night,
I look to the stars,
And they help guide me home.

I wished to explore all parts of you,
The gentle sway of your torso
The ***** words falling from your lips
I was inspired by your movement,
The profanity

It was a romance between millennials,
One fueled by intoxication and lust
Sparked by passion
Ignited by jealousy

We might even share words,
Stories of our past
Hopes for the future
But they'll always be just that

These moments won't last
Youth and spontaneity comes with a price
A price we must pay,
And a love we must sacrifice.

The memory of you is engraved in my mind
Your tender touch
Your faded smile
The thought of you seeps deeper into the hole in my heart
I find myself longing for your kiss towards the close of my night
I wait up
Thinking,
Dreaming you will knock on my door
Realizing the love we could have together,
The life we could have together

I know it is wasteful to think in this way,
To think of you
But every time I do
I pray someday,
Someone
Will love me the way I could have loved you.

Darkness brings demons for everyone
A threatening shadow in the corner of a room,
Faint, distant noises from an old decrepit home
The incessant cry of a child,
Steady whimper of a widower
All-consuming thoughts of anxiousness and worry
The unknown
Such demons leave darkness as the adversary
But what if darkness,
It's demons
Was truly heavenly light escaping brutal reality

It was fun at the beginning
Our bodies,
Consumed by alcohol and drugs
A deep sense of intimacy,
Derived from our compatible nature
We quickly became creatures of the night
Causing chaos,
Entertaining our limits
Laughing in the face of embarrassment

Though suddenly everything changed
The language you spoke became unrecognizable
As if the words leaving your lips were not your own
I wondered hopelessly how this came to be
How your heart and mind separated from your body
How our schemes lost meaning

I know that I cannot save you from yourself,
From this impending loneliness you so desire
Or the overarching fear of falling in love;
Of love's inconvenience

So I begin my descent
Deep into the walls of my own depression,
In a last chance effort to save myself
From failure,
From euphoria,
...From love altogether.

This heart in my chest,
It is beating again
Each note strikes with sharp conviction,
It's rhythm unscathed
My lungs work exhaustively
Each breath taxing
This song is composed for a single man,
For a man who cannot assume it's worth
So soon this melody will fade,
The powerful beats will subside,
And I will begin my search for another victim
To muse it's apparent flutter.

I was shown the world through a creative lens,
One where superpowers were real
And laughter was endless
Somewhere between the innocence and experience,
Life happened
The hero's began to fall
The sun forgot to rise
Soon, imaginations were misused
Actions misguided,
Though faint memories of juvenility remain--
The undeniable feeling of believing in something amazing
Of something beautiful
And I remember,
For a fraction of a second, I remember what it feels like to be *free

We are taught to look around us,
At the radiant sun gently falling beneath the surface
Or the wrinkled edges of an elders laugh lines
We are taught to look around us,
At the child whose laughter fuels our freedom
Or the motivational poster claiming "You can do it!"
We are taught to look around us,
At the lives of others
Or the destiny in which they have fulfilled
We are taught to look around us,
And maybe that's the problem

You lay to my left
Your body,
Cold and motionless.
I trace my steady finger across your spine
A sensual motion,
Ignored.

I consider how it was before this moment
You once wrote me of happiness;
Of pleasant intimacy
Yet you choose to lie against this chilled, defaced wall,
Rather than within my tender grip

It must hurt
To feel so alone in a world full of people
I wish to show you love,
Spontaneity,
Passion.
But we both know you'll be leaving soon,
And the world has no time for lessons of love

Your heart is my playground
Your body, my mission
A sinister touch,
I've marked my position
This child of night,
I am your musician
I'll play you a song
Of my own volition

Love is not love
For if you are near
Happy men
Riddled with fear
Your mind is sharp,
Your hair a mess
Please give us his heart
As it beats in your chest

It is becoming clearer, now,
That the burden of time is essential
For if we had no limit,
We would have since learned nothing
Thus,
The general disregard for indispensable knowledge authorizes a sense of lunacy
A familiar place in which dreams do not exist
And failure is a past time
To surrender to such commonality,
Is to have simply died without living.

People speak of the exciting moments,
The ones in which we feel alive or troubled
Exotic adventures
Love;
Lust
Each story, either tragic or remarkable,
Extends across boarders.  

Immense joy and overbearing pain continues to trump serenity
As we seldom speak of those moments in which we feel useless
When the world seems to be spinning around us,
Our bodies senseless to it's movement.
Unfortunately,
These are the moments that make us human
The moments in which we are the most connected,
Yet our need to feel either happy or sad denies it's significance
And once again we find ourselves alone,
Alone in this life of neglected unity.

My nails are painted as black as the midnight sky,
My hair, cut short---bleached
I sit comfortably on my hardened mattress
The words on the page begin to look the same
Red, red, red
The blood drips slowly from my fingertips.

I would like to say that I feel lonely in this place,
That I feel misery has finally found it's company
Yet I find that even alone,
I am suffocating
These walls are slowly closing in on me,
And I can't find a reason to stop them.

****--
It constitutes a plethora of emotions
Whether it be by virtue of relativism,
Or basic humanism
We all feel something towards the word ****.

Though when the TV flashes wildly with a new case,
A white male's innocent face plastered across the media
Any previous notion of humanity is tainted--
Doubt and confusion, its captor.
But he's a respectable man--
A scholar,
A Stanford swimmer?
"He is not a ******"

So we find ourselves back here,
Staring lucidly at the word "****"
Feeling those same shuddering feelings,
Yet still searching for a better explanation.

The filthy peasant approaches me;
The one in which I had hoped to see
A love declaration;
A serious consideration
Eternal popularity is all I may say
Eternal popularity;
The price I must pay

How sad,
When goodbyes release the pressure
And sudden loneliness helps you breathe again.

He lies,
Peacefully wrapped around my frozen skin
Grumbling as he steals the sheets,
Simultaneously dragging my heart along with them.
His lips press against my own
I feel happy,
Wanted, even.
Though I know deep down that this warmth--
From his alluring touch,
From this beautiful bed,
It won't keep me from running.
... nothing can keep me from running.

The world is burning
Yellow, red... black
I hear your screams for validation
Yet, I lay here, immobile

The flame resides at the foot of my bed
Intensity, pain... beauty
I burn within her core
For this fire is my creation,
And I must die loving her.

The sun has fallen,
The moon rising in its decent
I watch,
As the stars come into focus
Their stories,
Painted on this canvas
I am not alone,
I can feel you watching this too
Though your view,
Is far greater than that of mine.

My eyes dialate
The darkness of your voice, their trigger
I pull away
The constant ache, it seems unbearable
Yet I always find myself back here
In the midst of your agony, I reside,
Collapsed within the center of your crisis
For within your pain,
My resilience lies.

Underneath her trembling vocals,
Lies an undesirable, untouched, beating heart
Pulsating beneath her fragile skin
It takes time to see such beauty,
To witness such a powerful love,
It takes time
The right man will eventually come
If the waiting doesn't **** her first.

Hoes
*******
Endearment

Fat 'ol ***
Big 'ol *******
Entertainment  

Side ***
Main chick
Evolution

Brain
Chemistry
Erectile Dysfunction

Passionate
The image of you is engraved in my mind
Each piece is essential to your being
I wouldn't compromise a thing  
Obsessive*

Observant
I will familiarize myself with your likes and dislikes
Push your buttons just right,
In order for you to hate me just as much as you love me
Manipulative

Misunderstood
Mystery and suspicion thrive within my tense bones
I just want your love
And your tears
*Self-destructive

Tiny missels cut across the nighttime sky
Each earth shattering bang continuously rings in the ears of thousands,
As the colorful aftermath delicately tapers off into the distance.
Once again, the sky is clear
For these shimmery bulbs of light have fulfilled their destiny
One combustion
One reaction
One disappearance
And worst of all,
They make it look easy

Girls get wasted on the slightest possibility of love
Boys get drunk off of cheap beer and a little cleavage
I stand, cold, at the center of the room
Strangers pass
I want so badly to speak up
Something stops me every time  
Something I have yet to understand.
For now, though
I am closed off
And I'm just fine with that
At least I think I am.

She is outgoing
Beautifully suave
Confident in all the right ways

I am alone
Eating microwave pizza
Imagining a life I don't have

You have a gun
He has a gun
She has a gun
Now the power you once felt while holding that metal death machine is faded away by the power of his
So,
What now?