The bad times
They are beginning to outshine the good
Love shouldn’t be this hard
Pain shouldn’t be this frequent
The constant disappointment—
Maybe I expect too much
Though I suppose I expect what I give
Unconditional love
Consideration
Thoughtfulness
Is that too much to ask for?

Loneliness
It rests firmly on top of my chest
Weighing me down
Forcing me to feel it

This loneliness
It doesn't happen surrounded by strangers
It doesn't even happen when I'm all alone
You see,
It happens the most when you are with me
When you are downstairs packing your things
As I sit upstairs in our bed
Conflicted
Should I let him go this time?
Thoughts consume my mind
As the pressure builds up in my chest
You are slowly killing me
And the worst part is,
I'm not sure if I want to stop it

You build me up
And tear me down
All at the same time

How dare you
Threaten me with leaving
Claiming I’m insecure and difficult
While your anger rises
Your insults harden
I slap you
I run
You catch me
I feel your hands wrap themselves firmly around my neck
I can’t breathe
You pick me up and throw me through the door,
Onto the balcony
I shake in fear
In pain
You leave
Only to return the following day
Singing songs
Talking to friends
Ignoring me
Until I break down
Force the conversation
Then, without validation
Without a genuine apology,
You begin to pretend like everything’s okay
Like there’s no love lost
As if the person I saw yesterday
Matches the person before me
I weep in the bathroom
In the car
In my bed
Anywhere
Anywhere away from you
And soon I’ll stop caring
I’ll stop loving
You might wonder when you lost me
Or how
Well, the answer is here
The answer is now

It hurts
All of it
The yelling,
The fighting,
The talking
I’m exhausted
I watch you
As you do anything
Anything
To avoid apologizing
To avoid my feelings
I tell you I’m not okay
You hop on the game
I’m left to my thoughts,
My pain,
As it turns into rage
And it’ll all start again soon
But only if I stay...

I wasn’t ready
When the time came
And you were taken from me

I wasn’t ready
As they pumped blood into my veins
So that I could selfishly survive

I wasn’t ready
To see your father’s face
The love... the disappointment

You see,
I wasn’t ready to lose you
I was ready to love

I love our story
The one we wrote
When the leaves were changing
And we were learning how to love
It's messy
It's unique
But most importantly,
It's us.