I sit on a hill,
the view I have come to know myself by
set before me
the sun laying its guardian eyes
on my back.

I scrape my fingernails
into the ground
unearthing memories,
the dirt crumbles
cold and wet on my skin.
I let the broken up clumps
fall through the spaces between my fingers.

I dig a little longer
and find you.
I unearth those beautiful mountains
the way the sun hit the water that day
how those pine trees smelled
as I buried my toes in the sand
and you brought me home.

I climb into those holes,
those safe pockets of earth,
where it is cool and dark
and dream of you.
All the while exhuming
what may be better left untouched.

I scoop it all into a mound
pat it down,
at last, I dig my heels into the ground
and stand.

We endure
Miles of wasted conversation
Hand in hand.
I listen to
Those
Same.
Tired.
Names.
With heavy ears
As you paint pictures of
Your ideal perfection
To the one-two
Rhythm of our footfalls
On the sidewalk.

I want to take your breath away
And replace it with an air of knowing.
I want to curse you
With  “can’t keep your hands off me”
Attraction.
I want to offer you
Rich,
Handpicked expressions
Of what you do to me;
Subtlety painted notes
Of brushing kisses
And gentle touches.

But she-
Oh she,
She will be perfectly noticed,
She’ll offer infinite
Counterfeit smiles,
Soft skin,
Honeyed breathing,
Dream lips,
As you become
Another.
Lost.
Good.
Man.

While I fight
The natural drift
My hands hold in place
All of the “do you remembers,”
Wishing
I could be
The reasonless dance,
Senseless under-the-blanket kissing
Bringer of look into the sky laughter,
The seer of what’s behind
Those eyes,
The cinnamon-sugar warmth
Of home,
That living flawlessness.

Roll me between your
Thumb and finger
Make me your art.
Hang me on your wall.

Maybe I’ll stay.

****** me
Into your pet,
Your tamed raven.
Keep me in your cage.

Maybe I’ll stay.

Let me drown  in-
Soak in-
Suffer through-
Your silence.
Ruin me.

Maybe I’ll stay.

Let me Flesh this Out for You.

You.
With your broken,
Drifting
Eyes,
Look my way.
Just once.
Maybe I’ll see you

You!
With your punishing,
Hateful
Words,
Say my name.
Just once.
Maybe I’ll say yours back.

YOU!
With your rough,
Intolerant
Hands,
Hold my heart.
Just once.
Maybe I’ll feel you.

Dig in.
Eat my misery for breakfast
Knowing my weakness
Will always satiate
Your hunger.
You are always starving,

Dine on the sweet bread
Of my love for you,
The meat of my affection
Ravenously.

Season me.
Marinate me in your kind control.
Roast me with your words,
Baste me in your deceit,
Cook me as long as it takes
Until I’m golden brown,
Good,
Tender,
And yours for the taking.

Trim my fat,
Slice the gristle,
And the rest of the bits you don’t like
Off of me
And serve me with a side of promise.

Rip into me,
Tear me apart,
Roll me around with your tongue
Grind me between your molars,
Get your fingers greasy,
Smear me on the tablecloth.

Crack,
Break open my bones,
**** out the marrow,
The goodness in me.
Pick your teeth  
With the splinters you’ve made.

Gag.
Choke.
Force me down.
I hope my pain
Gets caught in your gullet.
I hope the spice of my anguish
Burns your soul
And makes your eyes water.

Suffocate on the guilt.
I hope the bitter flavor
Never leaves your mouth,
That you remember the taste of me
When hunting
For your next
Meal.

I miss our early mornings
Our even later nights,
The laughs we shared under the sheets.
You wanted a love-letter romance.
You wanted to listen to the rain,
Dance to our promises
Barefoot in the kitchen.
You wanted a songwriter
To build rhythms to your heartbeat
Slowly, so slowly.
Sipping anticipation like tea
Gently, from big mugs
Waiting for it to burn,
In front of the fire you have not built,
In the home you do not yet have,
Laughing as the starlight
Kisses your face
And blisters your skin,
With the woman you never realized
Was me.
You wanted to hold your breath
Suspended in our eagerness.
You wanted sunsets to feel it all by
For time to wind in and out
Leaving us behind
Did we have Children?
I can’t seem to remember.
Where did you go again?
Or was it me who left?

This balance is unsteady.
I am  no wanderer.
This is no conquest.
“Would you rather have this moment?
Or that one?”
Othering myself into eternity.
Plop that in your goblet
And drink  it up.
Huge, cool gulps of consciousness,
Whirled creation.

I spend my freest time
Dancing in the stuff that spills out of me
When I’m just too full,
My soul confetti,
The lumpy fungus that grows  
While I’m not looking.
Undulating in the ins and outs.
Roll in it, rip it up, squish it together,
Choke it down,
The sticky glaze of “I don’t know”
Getting my fingers *****

I sleep in an acid washed dreams
Inhaling and exhaling every part of
This constant spin cycle  
That stirs my existence
And shakes me like a cocktail.
Rest easily, cradled in the fluff
Of all of the possibilities.
Eat them like Tic-Tacs
Smell the minty pleasure of it
On my breath
When I splatter my being against the walls.

My life is a lemonade summer
I dream in sweet bits
That sting my throat like sour candy
Back into reality.
From there,
I daydream to car keys
knocking the dashboard
Sing to my own chaos
And laugh to my drumbeat.