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6.4k · Sep 2014
Grunge Trash
Steven Muir Sep 2014
I.
They are
sweeter
then anyone
who's cleaner.

II.
Mostly
a little drunk
maybe ******
I was sober
and they said
"Good on you"
and
"Why though"

III.
I have gotten
a hundred more hugs
and shared food
and offers of a jacket
to keep off the cold
in a few hours with strangers
who form this family
then with my own
family
and many of my friends.

IV.
I felt
so *******
safe there.
4.4k · Nov 2015
the submissive, I
Steven Muir Nov 2015
I.
An unending desire to relinquish power
must be handled with care.
4.2k · Mar 2014
Superheroes
Steven Muir Mar 2014
I.
We need
heroes.

II.
I do not believe in
the kind of heroes
that I want to believe in,
that I want to be.

III.
I would like
to carry a shield
a sword
a gun
I would like to become a fighter
when I got angry
I would like to be
genetically messed with
to be strong and fast.

IV.
You know
every book you ever read
they say it's not the strength
it's the honest
love
good
morals.

V.
Where would those
be
without the force
behind them.

VI.
Make me into a superhero,
and then
I can be good
because I'll
have to be.
3.6k · Jun 2015
I Am Angry
Steven Muir Jun 2015
My voice
Was the highest soprano in the choir
And I was well past puberty.
My chest may never be
As flat as yours,
My shoulders will always be
Slimmer and daintier,
My waist tucks in and allows for
Hips,
Hips that make me cringe with every ******* breath
Some days.

I will never have
That bulge between my legs
That you so wrongly call manhood.

I lack the things you tell me
Make someone a boy,
And sometimes I even lack the guts
To disagree with you;
But **** if that makes it alright to throw me in gutters,
Beat me up behind smokey dive bars,
Yell at me on the city bus,
Take away my ******* humanity.

Because I am a boy.
I am a ******* human.
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
Confidence.
The word is so foreign to me
it tastes like
cotton candy.

II.
Too sweet,
after a day of nothing but
salt and tears.

III.
I eat it like cotton candy,
too.
Huge bites, gulping,
drowning in it would be a reprieve.
Eating it this fast
will simply give me
a stomach ache.

IV.
I became
something I could love.
I don't think anyone
believed I could pull it off.
Steven Muir Oct 2015
I.
You bleed in places boys are never meant to bleed;
You want to make yourself bleed in more places because of it.

II.
There will be places on your body that are no longer for touching.
They mean nothing to you, but the nerve-endings interaction with another hand will let you know they’re real.
They cannot be real.

III.
You will hear love songs, and you will want to rip your own lungs out in your fist.
They give you enough trouble anyways.

IV.
You never do rip your lungs out.
You cannot fit your fingers down your throat, and your ribs are too strong for your too small hands to break.
You cough when it’s cold out and laughing has hurt for months.

V.
You tell people that you reach out to them when you need to.
You reach out to them on good days.
You do not tell them that the days on which you cannot even form the words to ask for their help are they days you need it, and you do not expect them to know this.

VI.
You talk about escaping like it’s going to fix things.
You think about escaping as though it means ripping open your skin and walking away from it.

VII.
You think about what is wrong with you and you conclude you are unlovable.
The statement is not untrue.
You will hold up your own broken bones as proof.

VIII.
You sit in the bath for three hours and you look at yourself and you look at the ceiling.
You do not punch the walls anymore; it was loud and someone asked about the slamming.

IX.
You put your own hands around your neck for hours but you never tighten them.
You do not want to be disappointed in their lack of strength.

X.
There will be fingernail marks across your chest for a few days.
You will not see them, no one will see them.
No one wants to see that, and you cannot bear to look.
1.3k · Jul 2015
Bloody Knuckles Gang
Steven Muir Jul 2015
I.
We formed a non-suicide pact
in jesting voices,
vowed to save ourselves
as soon as we'd been superheros and saved
the world.

II.
We meant every ******* word.
1.0k · Oct 2014
Platonic
Steven Muir Oct 2014
I.
******* I
am falling for him
like leaves are falling
now in autumn.

II.
He is so graceful
brave
incredible
god he's so sweet to me
and he loves me
but he called me
best friend

III.
And I want to be best friend back.
I do not want to
love someone with that
track record.

IV.
I don't know how
to say
"best friend"
to someone I want to kiss
so badly

V.
But I don't know how to kiss someone
I love
as a best friend.
771 · Dec 2015
Untitled CIV
Steven Muir Dec 2015
I.
No one writes poetry about you. You are
an enigma, you are an enigma of unreality and
displeasing angles, too many
bones inside a shell covered with marks you
put there yourself on the best of days on the
worst of days the days you
can't remember.

II.
You watched a Swedish film once called
"Boys" and you think about it often because when
they said the word "homosexual" it was subtitled as
"******", and when they said the word "transgender", the subtitles
said "******".  You are like those subtitles
in your own head, over and
over.

III.
You'll make a film someday and you will
yell the word ****** from an overpass, and you preface it
with "I am a", and you will make it
poetry.
703 · Jan 2015
Nicknames
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
I don't know how to explain
platonic love
like this.

II.
I would kiss him
but it wouldn't mean a thing.

III.
Of course I
love him, and of course
I think he's handsome.

IV.
How do I make you see
that loving someone
is not the same
as being in love.
702 · Aug 2015
Transgender, A Victory
Steven Muir Aug 2015
I.
We are thought of as a struggle.
Tight binders,
unsure makeup application,
cringing away from mirrors,
healthcare nightmares.

II.
Think of me as a victory,
for two minutes.

III.
Think of me as
using the men's room for the first time
and shaking with nerves and happiness for an hours afterwards.

IV.
Think of me as seeing myself in the mirror
for the first time
since I cut my hair off.

V.
Think of me as buying clothes and grinning
all day long
because I now possess a shirt
that feels right.

VI.
Think of me being called 'Sir' when I buy my groceries,
and think of me going home and crying from joy
because this is the first time
that I know I am right.
699 · Sep 2014
A Man in a Skirt
Steven Muir Sep 2014
I.
I need you to understand
that when I wear a skirt
it's cross-dressing.

II.
It is not
"Going back to
being a girl"
it is not
"Accepting my femininity"

III.
It is
cross-dressing,
a skirt does not mean
I am female
again.
681 · Feb 2015
An Unknown
Steven Muir Feb 2015
I.
Don't hit your child
because of something they can
never control.

II.
If you aren't able to
raise someone
who's queer, disabled, or mentally
"Wrong", as you'd call it,
don't raise anyone at all.

III.
You can't expect your
idea of a perfect child.
669 · Jul 2015
Astrology
Steven Muir Jul 2015
I.
We were born under the same
burning moon,
but she is the beautiful maniac,
and I am nothing but
a gentle capricorn.
642 · Jul 2014
Superficial
Steven Muir Jul 2014
I.
That's what you call him,
my best friend.

II.
Simply because he wants to go into war
defend his own
and you believe that's wrong.

III.
I'm not saying I agree with him,
but I have never met
a more sincere human
in my life.
637 · Jan 2015
Anatomy
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
Go to
hell
the next time
you remind me of my
body.

II.
I'm well
aware.

III.
I know what I've got
under my shirt.
I know what's
in my jeans.

IV.
I don't need your smile,
your look of condescension.
I don't need a **** thing
from you.
621 · May 2015
Untitled XC
Steven Muir May 2015
I.
Bonfires
and smokey wine,
nothing more than laughter.

II.
Catching burning hot coals is
easy enough when you trust
the person throwing them.

III.
I hate fast cars
I hate waking up and learning
someone has died.
578 · Feb 2015
Untitled LV
Steven Muir Feb 2015
I.
It's weird
to mourn for someone you
never met.

II.
Painful in a new way I'm
not used to feeling
and detached in a way
I wish mourning never was.
577 · Jul 2014
Untitled XXI
Steven Muir Jul 2014
I.
Never read over poems from when you were falling in love.

II.
Never plants flowers you cannot water.

III.
Never paint walls you don't want to live inside.

IV.
Never buy a dress you don't feel manly as hell in.

V.
Never pick up a guitar if your fingers already hurt.

VI.
Never forget your medication.

VII.
Never forget it twice in a row.

VIII.
Never refuse candy.
Because someone recently commented that my poems may not seem fair to readers - this isn't rules for the world. It's for me.
565 · Feb 2015
Untitled LIX
Steven Muir Feb 2015
I.
You've got
everything I ******* want,
I wish I had the courage
to ask you how.

II.
You're so
happy,
made easily to laugh.

III.
You made the name change
legal last July,
and I'm scared to even
tell a soul.
519 · Jan 2015
He Carries
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
He carries a camera bag
now.
Photos in
black and white
not how the Yearbook wants them
but how he does.
He needs his own approval
now.

II.
He carries a vest
around his body,
something to make people stop and
guess
his gender
his name.
Ambiguous, a little
angry.

III.
He carries himself
as if he is going into war.
But he's proud
to go.

IV.
He carries himself
as the hero
he believes he
could still be.
Steven Muir Mar 2014
I.
It is beginning
to be whispered now.

II.
"She's sick,"
and indeed
they're right.

III.
Spilling it
like spilled coffee
the world's most used
psychoactive
they all scatter in awkward
worry
for safety of someone
they care nothing for.

IV.
Do they really believe
that I am
a different human being
then I have been for two years
now you know I'm sick

V.
Because I am ill
because I cannot eat sometimes
and others cannot stop
because my body cannot get enough food
it doesn't know how to process half the things
I put in.

VI.
Because I am ill
because I cannot sleep sometimes
and others cannot stop
because my body cannot get enough rest
it doesn't know how to shut off the thoughts
and sink.

VII.
I get asked
"Do you have an eating disorder?"
because I am so skinny
there is nothing to me
I am not more then
Ninety-eight pounds on a good day
I have never been
one hundred.

VIII.
No.
I do not
have an eating disorder.
513 · Feb 2016
Untitled CVI
Steven Muir Feb 2016
I.
You were the blood between my legs an idol a
nightmare a meltdown a
moment between breathing & reaching for an inhaler that you never
put into my hand.

II.
You are the blood between my legs you are still
the hands I think of every time I cannot stop it but I know it's
natural & I know it's meant to be that way
most months.

III.
You are the blood between my legs both the scars it comes from and
the place it falls from the way it should if I were to
remain a girl.

IV.
You will be the blood between my legs the reason I ruin every
pair of underwear I own the reason I cannot use
a more effective method of mopping it up the reason I'm
startled every morning you are the fingernails that did it
you are what I think of you are vicious femininity you are
every kind of trauma every kind of torture you are
the reason I cannot stop being afraid of blood.

V.
You are all over me. You are hands down a skirt that I
do not want to be wearing you are hands up a dress that I never
wanted to put on you are hands across a chest that I want
to mutilate you are hands hands hands and you are
too sharp too fast too forceful and I am looking at the blood
between my legs and you are that and yet you never
let it touch you
nor did you help me clean it up.
503 · Nov 2015
I'm not
Steven Muir Nov 2015
I.
My hands are shaky with a scalpel.
Someday I may cut out my own ovaries at the cost of blood.

II.
You aren't meant to worry about me.
I'm one of the boys you look will at later, and say "What a tragedy."

III.
Don't worry now, I'm not a **** statistic yet.
Don't protect me, I'm not a court case yet.

IV.
I'm still fighting ain't I, right?
I'm not here for helping.
Steven Muir Jun 2015
To be sure, it's unconventional;
Seems as though loving someone ought to have boundaries --
"Kissing means romance"
"Saying 'I love you' means commitment"
"Sleeping together means - "
But what does that ******* mean?
Nothing more, just sleeping.
So safe it felt like I could breathe.

To tell someone, "I slept the night,
better then I ever have,
my head on his chest and wrapped in the warmest arms."
They'll assure me it's a love affair.
How can I defend against -- that --
When I'm not even sure, really, if they're right.

I've been in love (or so I thought) before.
It felt different but who's to say that wasn't the abuse.
Thought loving someone, romantically and proper, meant hurting.
Yearning, confusing, burning, the occasional glorious moment
When they let you come close enough to touch
Fingertips.
Thought it was about putting up with pain because
they were worth it.

But the way I feel now isn't like
Hurting myself to make them happy or okay --
In fact, it's just the opposite.
I'm a better person, safer in my own skin, happier;
I want to live with you and sleep with you and hold your hands
But I never want to kiss you more than a peck upon the forehead.
495 · Jul 2014
Untitled XXX
Steven Muir Jul 2014
I.
You think
representation does not matter
please listen for
five seconds.

II.
I knew I liked girls
when I watched Buffy the Vampire Slayer
and I was thirteen years old.

III.
I knew I was male
when I read "I am J"
and I was
fifteen years old.

IV.
I knew I had more then
a hundred percent
when people asked me what I thought
about art of Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes,
and Sam Wilson.

V.
We deserve to be
seen
and if you think you are
protecting the children
you are so far from correct.

VI.
You are
keeping the children
stuffed into the closet.
Steven Muir Mar 2014
I.
Look at
them all

II.
I knew them
as children
we were all in the woods
I thought
they are so much more then I
am

III.
I figured
they would always be
so important
so much

IV.
And they are
but they
are no longer happy

V.
I wanted to see them
in six years
I wanted to see how happy they would be

VI.
Six years
and look
lungs full of smoke
wrists covered in scars

VII.
I'm
worried
about
you.
493 · Jul 2015
Bad Binding
Steven Muir Jul 2015
I.
No one besides
myself
has seen my own chest in
maybe three years.

II.
Even all that time we were lovers
she
never did.
Always acted disgusted at the very idea.

III.
You undid buttons and
carefully pressed warm fingers into places that haven't let
another human touch them
in an entire lifetime.

IV.
Checking for bruises is --
it's odd. The things you did could little be
construed as platonic, or
honestly necessary,
but the affection of checking my bruising and
affirming the lack of broken ribs,
is incredibly
platonic.

V.
You never once looked
disgusted.
That's a ******* first.
485 · Nov 2015
Anything But a Love Story
Steven Muir Nov 2015
January

You make puns.
I make puns back.
We laugh.

February

I learn your name.
You walk me to class.

March

We keep making puns.
I tell you I don't go by the name I was introduced as.
You nod.

April

You punch me in the arm, harder than intended.
It's a funny thing to feel safe about.

May

You get my number.
We send each other jokes sometimes.
We talk about queer issues on occasion.

June

We beat each other up, laughing.
My ribs are bruised for a week and a half.
Our self-destructive tendencies seem to fall asleep for longer.

July

I am away.
I text you every day, and I don't remember when it started.
We agree that we are vaguely incompatible.

August

We begin school, and I see you every day.
I'm happier.
You look happier, too.

September

I ask your pronouns.
You touch me without hurting me for the first time.

October

Sometimes we fall asleep holding each other.
I'll never be in love with you.

November

Commitment has never felt like freedom before.

December*

You taste like some kind of holy water, a first sip of communion;
And I will still never be in love.
483 · Mar 2014
Untitled II
Steven Muir Mar 2014
I.
It's been
raining

II.
For someone
with so many painful muscles
painful bones

III.
I know it's
too cold outside for me

IV.
Where does a butterfly go when it snows?
If I were the butterfly
would my wings be broken?

V.
Keep quiet
little love

VI.
Am I
anything more then the trees
am I anything less
they take the rain and grow
and I shatter
at the slightest touch

VII.
A butterflies wings
are ruined
and though she sips the water from the stream
she is nothing
in the rain
480 · Mar 2015
Untitled LXXVI
Steven Muir Mar 2015
I.
On occasion
the world is more
then us mere mortals
who inhabit it can handle.

II.
Quite frankly,
existing is hard.

III.
Doing it without a hand to hold
is ten times harder
and much less soft
when you fall down.
Steven Muir May 2016
YOU WERE A YEAR OF WHATEVER YOU WERE A YEAR OF
a year i could have stayed inside forever

YOU WERE THE FUEL TO MY FIRE YOU WERE THE WOOD THAT
only ever made me burn higher

YOU WERE THE GRIND ON THE DANCE FLOOR THE ONE NIGHT
in heaven the one night i didn't think about her not once i was alright

YOU WERE THE SHARED CLOTHES SO QUICKLY FORGOTTEN
on my floor, do you still want them back, i've stopped sleeping with them

YOU WERE THE DRESS PULLED TOO TIGHTLY THE SHIRT
pulled right off i let you see something no one else had with my permission

YOU WERE THE PILLS DOWNED AT MIDNIGHT THE LAST
glass of ***, shared & burning; turning into the rack where my fears are hung

YOU WERE MY EARLY FALL YOU WERE MY
you were my early fall.
Steven Muir Aug 2015
We are growing up wrong --
Let me rephrase,
There is nothing wrong with the way in which we are growing up.
We are wrong.

We are becoming whispered secrets behind closed doors --
the information with which to bind safely, advice on a name --
Quickly passed off goods as though it were illegal to
Own a binder, a packer, a mens tie.

We are becoming men,
And yet we were never boys, not really.
Not in the way we would have liked to be.

We will be fighting the rest of our lives,
Lying, probably. Lying, when it doesn't feel like lying --
"When I was a, well, a boy scout.." But you weren't.
You were a girl scout.

We are covering our tracks to hide the identity we've worked so hard to obtain --
No one but each other will ever be proud of us.
Not for this.
Not for the hardest fight of our lives.
473 · Jul 2015
Untitled XCIII
Steven Muir Jul 2015
I.
I've spent time making peace with things
that honestly are so cringeworthy,
no one should find a justification.
467 · Jun 2015
The Theory of Relativity
Steven Muir Jun 2015
Hell is relative.

It's a disambiguation of the horrors and
disintegration of the self.
A destruction of the knowledge and
delineation of the time.

"I will see you in hell",
has always struck me as a funny sentiment.
No two hells shall be the same.
Steven Muir Jan 2016
I.
You will never be sure of the correct manner in which to exist and you
will stumble over every line every
time you open your mouth and your
mumbles are honey.

II.
You are never quite right about what is expected of you and you
are always convinced someone is being hurt because you've
gone and done them wrong and yet you have done more
right by me than anyone I have ever known.

III.
It's alright you're falling into my arms you're falling into my
arms you're not falling apart.
446 · Jan 2016
with the way you,
Steven Muir Jan 2016
I.
There is nothing wrong with you the way you,
talk the way you do the way you,
hold too tightly before you fall sleep when you,
are up against me there is nothing wrong with,
me.
435 · Sep 2015
Untitled CI
Steven Muir Sep 2015
I.
It's different sitting in coffee shops alone
and getting angry
than it used to be.

II.
I've got a voice,
I've realized. Maybe not one
anyone wants to listen to,
but it's a voice
and I can shout and scream and explain.

III.
We think as though there's nothing we can do
and in reality
I'm a bit convinced that's true.

IV.
But holy hell,
I will be ******
if I don't scream.
Steven Muir Oct 2016
I.
There has been a death,
a sickness,
a love affair,
a calamity,
a journey.

II.
You are none the better
but you are none
the worse.

III.
You start missing them,
finally,
when you are driving home one day.

IV.
You made a lot of jokes about this.
More than were appropriate - all of you
did.
It was the best you could do
when it happened when everything
happened and now you are
still laughing at the ghost of things you all said
two months ago when it was as though the door
would still open.

V.
You live in that room now.

VI.
You live in that room and it doesn't even smell like him anymore.

VII.
You don't feel guilt. You feel guilt about a lot of things but not about
this.
This was not your fault, this was no one's fault and
you know it.
You all know it.

VIII.
Sometimes you find it very ironic that you
are still alive.
You wonder if he ever considered, in the six months before,
the idea what one step eleven stories up would determine
not only the loss but several people's
unwillingness to die.

X.
The joke you made was that killing yourself is no longer original.
430 · Jun 2014
Untitled XVI
Steven Muir Jun 2014
I.
Hey.

II.
Hi, I'm Will.

III.
Will?
Where have your last two letters gone?

IV.
With my femininity.
428 · Jan 2016
The Penultimate
Steven Muir Jan 2016
I.
You never wrote a break up poem for your first love.
You never fell in love again & you never will.

II.
You never had a break up to write about with your second love.
It was slow, soft, a gentle falling apart, an easy descent into
whatever this is, whatever it means that you don't
acknowledge their eyes anymore you pretend you never
hear it when they laugh.

III.
You haven't talked in weeks but it's hitting you now;
someone who held you down on bed springs, someone who
held you in their arms at all.

IV.
You're mourning a death of
months ago.
426 · Aug 2014
Untitled XLII
Steven Muir Aug 2014
I.
For
hell's sake
let me caress those fingers
and arms,
the ones you can't abide.

II.
They're so
good
they hug so strong and
they hold so well.

III.
You've written on them
these
remnants of
pain,
and it hurts to see.
426 · Jan 2015
Cringes
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
You aren't a *******
superhero.

II.
Try your ******* best,
and you'll never be
saving
anyone.
425 · Jul 2014
Untitled XX
Steven Muir Jul 2014
I.
I've only gotten one
college recruitment letter.

II.
It's from an
all girl's school.
423 · Jan 2015
Street Food
Steven Muir Jan 2015
I.
Bite-sized heaps of fresh
vegetables, overflowing with
sauces, olive oil
and mustard,
fresh herbs and
flower petals.

II.
Hearty and light,
the bite of lemon drizzled over the
thick sustenance
of root vegetables or
shredded meat.

III.
A meal you could
eat on Sunday morning -
potatoes, eggs, bacon, with
honey and herbs over everything,
blackberry jam and toast to the side,
a mug full of
whatever you'd like,
"Comin' right up, Sir."

IV.
A gourmet of flavors you
can carry in your right hand,
and a bundle of flowers you can
hang onto with your right.
423 · Mar 2014
Pieces
Steven Muir Mar 2014
I.
Of all the pieces I want to be
I never dream of being
the whole puzzle.

II.
Is that
wrong?
420 · Feb 2015
Untitled LXVI
Steven Muir Feb 2015
I.
Repulsed by an
unasked for castration by nature,
wrong from birth but
I'm getting better.

II.
Take me home and
take me in,
I'm not whole but I want to begin
again.
418 · Feb 2016
Unti tl e d
Steven Muir Feb 2016
I.
You don't use the word ****.
It's overly strong, you don't deserve validation like that.

II.
You talk about hands a lot.
There is not much else to talk about.

III.
You want to talk about surroundings,
but there are several different scenarios in which it happened,
and
you are not sure if it was multiple times
or a faulty memory.

IV.
You try hard not to talk about names.
You're supposed to know that, want some kind of vengeance or something;
you have two or three good guesses.
Hands feel like hands , faulty memory looks & sounds like
the smoke in the summer time when the wildfires
grow large enough to keep you inside for days on end.

V.
It isn't enough to go on.
You do not call it anything aside from
"I have trauma".
Trauma could mean anything; it is beautifully vague.
Maybe someone hit you (maybe they really did, sometimes
you almost remember it).
Maybe it was worse than that or maybe it was a book you read,
over & over & over & over.

VI.
You are over & over & over & over
and you wish you were over & you wish it was over.
You don't use the word ****. Over & over & over & over,
you don't have it in you to use the word ****.
417 · Jul 2015
A Dwindling Legacy
Steven Muir Jul 2015
I.
A boy once loved you the same way
he loves sunsets, photographs, modern art, ice coffee.

II.
He's scared of you now,
the way he is of abandonment, needles, attackers, slurs in alleyways.
415 · Jul 2014
Superheros II
Steven Muir Jul 2014
I.
I would like to say
that I've given those silly things

II.
I should tell you
I no longer wait for the pages of my comic books
to leap to life
to fight

III.
But that would be a lie,
so I'll just say

IV.
If you meet someone who
believes in heroes,
don't make them stop.
We're getting through the ******* day:

V.
So my crutch is something fictional
something I will never be.

VI.
Take it to your ******* grave,
the words you'd say to me.
"Child's stories" and "fake" and "not real"
Do you think I don't know that?

VII.
I do but it's easier
to get though the day
pretending I have
someone to save.
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