I'm drowning in the newfound freedom of returning to the words I once left behind
The words allow me to sink further into my mind
The words embrace me like an old friend
The words comfort me when I cannot run to a past lover
When I cannot cry on my friends shoulder because he is more troubled than I
Cover me in my blanket of words
Let me rest
Let me only be woken by one that could console me in a more pleasant manner

I don't have the words
Your words
The words that bring me to tears
The words that comfort me more than the man of the ocean's melody
It's absurd
How I can have all these complexities within me
Only for them to be swept away when I try to convey them
I long for your way with words
The ability to speak in an impacting way
Forgive my sense of inferiority, friend
I know you hate pedestals
But I could never envision myself atop one either

Bring me the happy words
Let them fall in my lap
As everything else does
And I'll do my best to handle them with care
Though they may crack in my hands
Tumble roughly from my mouth
And lose form on paper
Gift me a joyous phrase despite it all

There are days when every move she makes is laced with anger
Days when a potential lover cannot make time to accomodate growing feelings
Days when I cannot differentiate disinterest and stress
Bad days filled with friction and fighting
A wish that I could run away from it all
But suffocated by millions of thoughts as to what I should do
And confusion as to what the problem really is

I am so painfully tired
I long to push this feeling of immobility below
But I have not the energy to do so
How bitter is love to grant me joy
And then carelessly pull it away from me
Love is my drug
But this too I shall overcome
My words have no structure here
But I say them anyway
The night has made me lightheaded and aimless
As if I am in a drunken stupor
Farewell friends
I am off to tame the ever changing love

Talking to you is terrifying
Maybe it wouldnt be so bad if I actually had the courage to finally open up your message
But I've done that before and it just got scarier from there
I dont want to be alone
But I dont want to talk to you
You are perfect in all the ways I am not
And yet you are flawed in all the ways I could never be
Some would say that we'd be a good fit
And perhaps we would if I saw you again
Instead I'll just repeat the same apologies over and over
Disinterest
Cause my mind is on someone else?
That would be a part of it
Cause I've put off talking to you so long that I've developed a complex
Another part
That the cloud that used to follow me from a distance now looms over my head and drains me
A bigger ordeal
I think you were better as an idea
Someone I could admire from afar
The way I would have as a preteen
I did want to know more about you
And maybe you wouldve told me
But I dont think I want any of it anymore
I dont want you to know about me
And I dont want to talk

A boy so simple and bland he hardly deserves a title
A little hunter boy fascinated by a fish
To get its attention he asked many questions
His bait was a stare and a shallow dip in the water
The fish didnt bite
But the boy waded in farther
Curious, the fish swam in close
Cozying up to a potential friend
But suspicion soon crept in
That true intentions were hidden
The boy said no
That it would never be so
But a few days it had been
And his affection had dimmed
The boy had enough
Of the poor fish's love
But what he didnt have was the courage to say goodbye
Murky blank eyes confessed what he couldnt
But dare he admit the fish was right
To soften the blow he gave a false prize
Promising to continue to greet his short lived companion
But all that was given
Was the poor mans rendition
Comprised of occasional apathetic glances

The little hunter boy still lurks by the ocean
Entrancing the passerbys

The fish peeks out of its reef of stars sometimes
To watch him continue his ways

But silence

A bell rings in the distance

Writing a million drafts
Of inadequate poems that barely qualify as such
The amount of published works is exceeded by the number of drafts
The delete button lurks below
But shall never be touched
Every untitled draft contains a thought from a time in which I could do nothing but write out my feelings to relieve the chemicals rushing through my brain
The drafts are not neglected
They are read to remind myself that I have felt just as unpleasant and survived
Some are grown into published works and are allowed into the outside garden
While others continue to sit in my metaphorical windowsill
Only to be seen by those I let in and myself

Dont say you care about me
Dont say my name
Dont ask why I'm sad and not pursue the thought when I say I'm not sure
Dont ask what I'm doing and then not be curious when I say art
Dont talk to me all day and not have anything interesting to say
Dont call me cute when you know you dont like me
Dont hold my hand
Dont give me hope and then let me down again
Dont purposely do the things I ask you not to
Dont be a ****

No one ever understands what I mean when I say it's almost as if I can control my emotions
I could stop being sad, if it didnt feel like I had forced a hundred rocks down my esophagus
I could stop being angry if my blood itself wasn't rushing like a stampede of buffalo
I could stop all the feelings if my brain didnt yearn to express them
The worst is repressing happiness
Stopping the happy chemical feels like a strand of fairy lights going out
I've only done it once
It wasnt like holding back anger or sadness
Not suffocating
Just blank
So as cool as being able to control your feelings is, it's no fun if it hurts
Perhaps it's just better to let them run their course

It's like a dream
Walking outside to find you sitting on the ledge of a ditch
Watching traffic
You always seem to find the perfect balance of speaking but still letting things be unspoken
And though they say I'm far from home
The drive has never seemed so short

She wants me to be greater than her
While walking me down the same path she took
He asks me to wait
Without telling me why or what I'm waiting for

If he sees me sad
Maybe he’ll put away the things that have come between us
Angry
At the people whose feelings are supposedly easily expressed
For not caring
Angry
That the short hour of time I’ve created out of sleep for love has become so sour
Angry
That you can’t just put our differences aside and give me the only thing I’ve ever wanted from you since the beginning

Its not about making the content anymore
Its about me
I always make it about me
But making people feel better
Or having someone relate
Even just getting them to think a little bit
That's always a plus
It helps me remember that there are other things in this world than the things I write about
It takes me out of my glorified teen drama
Brings me back to earth when I am left alone and dont have that person to tell me its okay

I dont want to talk to you
I like the you in my head
That makes me a bad person
You in reality are not the person I want you to be
I shouldnt have expectations
I should be content with you as you are
But I dont want to talk to you
Neither one of us have the energy to hold a conversation with the other
Perhaps if we just sat in silence it would be okay
But I dont want to talk to you
I barely have the strength to talk to me

There is a weight on my head
I am perfectly capable of lifting it
I could toss it away at any time if I so desired
But to lift it would disturb me for reasons unknown
Performing an action such as venting the frustration and uncomfortability of the weight lifts it in a more pleasant way then forcefully moving it away
The weight has not been completely removed
But it is slightly more bearable
Perhaps I could gain the mental strength to leave my bed and rid myself of the anchor hooked on my skull
Or I could continue annoying others into doing it for me

Sometimes you have to step away for a bit
Before the chaos of your brain combines with the paper and turns your flowing rhythmatic sentences into a mushy cluster of words and phrases that no longer make sense to you or anyone else

I imagine it's like tightrope walking
But on drugs
I dont know which way to lean
Where I am
Why I'm trying so hard to stay balanced
Where I'll land if I fall off the rope
I make my moves carefully
But my mind is spinning
I am preparing myself for what my mind seems to believe is inevitable
The fall
The end
I want to keep walking
The farther I go the better I feel
If only I could keep my balance in this altered state of mind i refuse to define

I think I'd like to just sit
In the gray of what's past
My eyes see it as awry and colorless
But I can still taste the memory
Feel it on my skin
I can hear laughter
Gentle whispers
And smell the scent of a desire incomparable to that of any prior or future
That isnt to say that the connections that have or will exist couldnt be better
But instead that they each have a unique aroma
Still
I'd like to sit
watching the gray
As this lingering scent
Slowly dissipates

Existence is tiresome
But I would never end it
There are many happy moments
Like pacing the sidewalk
Joyous bell in hand
Greeting the people
Wishing them well
Smiles around
In those moments I want nothing
Besides to be warm and to continue my walk without pain in my feet
I dont want you
I dont want to leave
Merely to dance to a song
And be the brightest light
I thought it was odd
How the thought of you didnt sound appealing for once
That I was content with me again
I didnt have my head in the clouds
But still not down to earth
Just floating in outer space
The way I prefer it

"Dont shoot the messenger"
Even if this messenger were to be unknowingly spouting lies
Or giving unwanted information
I beg of you not to shame them
The intentions are only of good
Undertoned with worries of accidental betrayal

The purest moments
Sitting on that bus with two and three
Standing in the cold with a constant ringing rhythm in my wrist
Nodding to strangers
Frigid air freezing lip smiles in place
Coins colliding with other coins
And stuck dollar bills
Rewarded by thank yous
Overpowered by the ever-ringing bell
Feet hopping from step to step
And stiff limbs doing a dance
Gentle banter with the cross brothers
Followed by the budding romance of the dimly lit bus
The near crushed dreams of next weak
The realization that all these experiences are temporary
The most pure moments
How I wish they could last forever
Though the thought itself is a piece of that same bittersweet purity

Apologizing
For needless things
Things I've been told are okay to do
Sorry
For saying no
Forgive me for expecting things from someone residing below the floor

A quick peck on the lips
A kiss long overdue
How I could stare at you forever
How I know you could do the same
You sound like a childhood friend
You look like a thousand suns
What would you do if you knew what I had done a day prior
What would you have felt if you knew who I was talking to the week before
If you knew the previous night I was silently weeping for another boy
A boy I had never loved
Who had never loved me
Who had lied for his own pleasure
Who had brought out the bad parts in me
The desperate parts
The anger which was hidden away
I cannot blame him for what I did
It was my impatience
It was my decision
And because of that impatience
I wasted two days with you
If you knew all that
Would you still have kissed me?
Would you have saved me a seat?
Let me lean on your shoulder?
I hate having regrets
But just this one time
I wish I wouldve chosen differently

Your scent is stuck in my head
Like the chorus of a pop song

"Did you actually write about squids?"
They ask
Not bothering to read the rest
Perhaps it was because
The language in which is was written
Was beyond their current comprehension
Or rather
They dont care to change their impression of me by reading a sad poem with a joking overlay

I wish I could ask you to stay
That youd never leave
But I'd hate the thought that you could want to leave but feel trapped by my desperation
Your love seems so unconditional when it comes to me
But as time goes on I feel as if even your love for me is fading
I wonder terribly often that maybe I am becoming a worse person
And that you greatly dislike the changes you see in me

Youd never get it
How intense all of it felt
The feeling of one I didnt want pressed against my back with arms wrapped around me
The relief i felt when an old friend came to talk and gave me room to breathe
However I was still locked in place
Unable to refuse a sloppy meeting of lips
The horrible longing for someone speeding right by you
Knowing him
The desire was always there before
Like a spark
That grew into flames when I saw him
That exploded into a raging forest fire last night
Trying to figure out the expression on his face
Concentration?
Sadness?
What?
I could never figure him out
I also heard bad things last night
I didnt know what to make of them
Had I been lied to?
Trying to figure it out
Listening
But I cant
Blaring speakers and noisemakers
Combined with a desperate grab for my attention
Arms like chains around my body
A plea not to listen
Not to look
Dont tell me what to do
I'm not yours
Can you people stop assuming that?
I told him I didnt like kissing you
I didnt like any of it
I thought thatd make him feel better
But it only felt as if he was running away
Why run away
And text me as soon as he arrived home
Apologizing again
It's all so intense
I might cry again
I miss him
I dont want to
I dont want anything

Because of the departure of one person, I have decided to isolate myself
I am not alone
Yet I have decided to be
Why
It feels better
To be alone
And dwell on things that should have no meaning
To lurk near the presence of one I am better off forgetting
I could seek the council of those I hold dear for support
But I am afraid I have troubled them too often with dilemmas like this
And truly
It is no dilemma
But merely me gripping onto what I have lost for the second time

Does your family still talk about me?
Are your walls the color you talked about with me so long ago?
I guess friends do come and go
And with the irregularities in thought process that have come to light I suppose it’s no surprise you sought out people with better expressed feelings, sympathy.
You could say I left myself in the dirt
Chasing the only friend whose feelings seemed real to me

Sometimes
My bonds with people seem like wells
Wells that I am constantly running dry
And anymore it seems as if I am in a desert
I'm sorry
If I come to drink from the wells of friendship too often
I wish I could be more like rain

You build me a tower of hope
And then proceed to knock it down
While telling me not to worry about it
Now all I can do is beam a smile through the despair while clutching at the remnants of my dreams

Dark and empty
Where everything outside is muffled
Those are the places I reside now
A lightly treaded staircase
Inside the box of tin and 4 wheels that takes me everywhere I don’t want to be
Any available corner of a room
Loneliness and hunger
Hoping the more I leave people alone,
The more okay with me they might be
If my stomach is as empty as I am
The happy things might return

Everything is boring
And my dreams have never been so out of reach
I have no desire to return home without the touch and embrace of another
If only we could both stay here
Until my dreams were caught
I want to ask you so many things
If only youd take me seriously and answer my questions
I should take what I can get
Jokes and glances
But I've always wanted more
And I dont think that will change anytime soon

You were the one to sit next to me
Voice my thoughts of familiarity
You were the one who thought I was pretty despite being bundled in layers of clothing to keep warm that night
You were the first to say truly charming things
And make cliches your own
My friends can call me immature
Naive
But I want to know this perfect yet penniless prince
And how your life had to be so
What flaws are within you?
Please let me continue
Chasing my pretty bell boy

It shouldn't have to sound beautiful for me to say it
For me to think my feelings are valid
But i cant put a frustrated sob or a tight gut into words very easily
And I cant simply say exactly what things are
It wouldnt have the same effect
The same relatability
The mystery
The same dramatic flair

April is a humiliating joke to me
The rain that supposedly comes to water the flowers
Is better represented by the amount of tears shed this month

I had a dream
That you were talking to me in modern hieroglyphics
And somehow
I could still understand you

One
Two
Three
Poems for me
One
Two
Three
Poems for he
One
Two
Three
Just like his name
One
Two
Three
Dont break the pattern
One
Two
Three
And we continue

My words are no longer poetic
If they ever were at all
Now they're just a stream of me screaming my feelings
Or rather
Speaking them in a calm manner
Even if it's a thousand pleas
They will still be repeated with the same tone
I wish I could be more of a wordsmith
But all I can do is blatantly state how much I miss you
How empty it feels with you gone
How repulsed i am by the others touch
How terrified I am of losing more people
How shapeless all of my words are anymore
When did the words become a dependency rather than an art form

According to what is public
I have not written in almost two weeks
This could not be further from the truth

50 drafts

Have been written in my spare time
And unlike those two in which I feel I am constantly intruding on

I consistently hide my works in their roughest form

And

I am

Odd

Take me back to when you hadn't decided to wrap your arms around me
When I wasnt immediately intoxicated by your scent
When you didnt seem interested in my writing or my artwork
When you didnt curiously try to figure out the password to my phone
To when you would text with thoughtfulness
To when you would do anything to make me feel better
To when you claimed you wanted the route that would cause me least pain

But my preferred routes were not those of yours
And you wouldnt compromise
So you led me down your path
And claimed that at some point it would merge with mine
You held my hand as we walked down the trail
But turned back and fled just before the intersection
I ran after you to ask why you had gone
Why you had changed your mind
Why you had done exactly what I expected of you
Why you went against everything you promised me
Take me back to before you returned
Or back to when I was wanted

Tan skin covered in an assortment of rose colored fabrics
Illuminated by tiny stars encased in glass
Faint melodies play quietly in the background to prevent silence from taking hold
A space timeless as the calendar by the door displaying dates long expired
This is my dreamland
A bubble that protects those within from any worries outside by trapping them in paintings
A private place
Perfect for romantic or platonic excursions
This is where inspiration is fueled
Where laughter can be heard from time to time when guests arrive
And where many pleasures, past and present, have and will take place

Not necessarily beautiful
You can't always apply meaning to things like that
30 minutes listening to the sounds of a home
30 minutes of being ignored
When I had something to say
To figure out
Under pressure
And like a fragile flower in the wrong conditions
My voice died
And 30 minutes of sounds I couldnt quite understand ensued

Screaming that you are happy
Doesnt make it true

For the better half of an hour
Some 24 hours ago
You sounded like you had a conscience
Like you could understand the deeper meanings of sadness, anger, and guilt
Talking philosophy
As if maybe there was a chance at happiness for us

I wonder if youd be the type
The type to appreciate the little things I do
The words I write out in dedication
The images in my head I bring to life with brushes
The type to remember that I am more than the foolish words I speak aloud
It seems you arent
Yet still i hope you could be
Cause I wont be going anywhere
Anytime soon

Maybe I dont want to be seen as anything
I just want to be seen
Lose your perceptions of me
And I'll try to lose mine of you
For everytime I am shown something I know,
I fear,
"Oh, I'm the _ girl",
And that the whole world will know me for enjoying a thing I cared only minorly for

I can no longer bare to read the words I wrote for you
For I have betrayed my past desires
I once wrote "how much can change in a week" when I didnt receive enough of your attention
Pretty bell boy, so much can change within just one day
And to write such things and overdramatize a few interactions is pitiful
But I am impatient and cannot help where I am pulled
And though it probably wont matter much to you
And you'll never know it
I am sorry