Why do you seem to exist in spite of me
The words below your image are a sad excuse for poetry
And your jokes are bland as ever
Why do you stand boldly on my platform
Seeming to dare me to look at you
Challenging me
I suspect a call for attention
Much like how I used to
But if I were to voice these suspicions
I'm sure I'd be looked down upon until I was laughing at my own self and how pitiful I had become
On the outside I'll beg of you to leave me completely
But I know that within me is still the constant plea that you will return and be better than when you last left

On the phone
Drawing left handed sketches
Hearing you sing a familiar song as a joke
To no one in particular

There are far too many
All about the same people and things
Repetition
I dont want to repeat the same things over and over again
But that seems to be all I do
Just in private
If I were to show it to the world just once
Maybe I'd feel better

Say something of value, little hunter boy
Something more than a line as carefree as the wind
And more concrete than your everfading emotions

I heard his name over the intercom
I knew I would
A boring name
I had strained to hear it
And though I expected it
There was still an unsettling knot in my gut
Though I can lust for others now
There is still
A longing
A yearning
For his familiarity

Have I truly wasted so many chances?
Have I questioned you so much that I deserve your hate?
All I had asked for was a less apathetic reminder that maybe dreams do come true
Instead I've received an impossible question as to what the root of the problem is
A repeat
Am I as bad as you both suggest
Or do I simply have bad taste

Walking
In the middle of an empty road
Its quiet
The air tastes like fire and those weird flavored candy canes
Maybe a tootsie pop
laundry soap
All at the same time

It grips me tight
But I try to hide it
Like a parasitic vine grown from what was thought to be mere anxiety wrapping itself around my body
I am ashamed of it
I feel as if I am a monster admitting to a lover that I am cursed
But they are too caught in their dream version of me to truly care about it and the effects it has on me

I think too many people punish others for their words
Without thinking about why they were said

I was good at this once
The words came to me so easily
And I'd scribble them out in ink inside an old notebook
It's not so easy anymore
I stopped writing the words in physical form
There used to be so much to say that jotting it down was too time consuming
It gave the words time to run away
And for new ideas to cover up the old ones
Now
I've said so many things that I am almost raw
No longer a mystery
Just a rock of selfish anxiety
With the same old worries and thoughts carved in deep

The wannabe princess is building her kingdom
Covering polished nails in sawdust

I asked you to make me crave you again
And you did as I asked
Only to tear me apart once again
Tell me to stop one last time
Brainless boy

I wish the music would follow me out of my room
Trailing after my footsteps
Bringing me continued serenity
Filling the pit that would otherwise be a silent void

It makes me want to be as violent as he
Hearing your false reassurances
Always having me make all the first moves
I want to to tear everything away
But I cant
Because that's not "me" anymore
The "me" now is refusing to let go
And you are
Refusing to let me know
What it is you want me to do

It's the simplicities I hear when you're not paying me attention
That make my feelings seem like nothing
That make my questions so hard to voice
Why must I feel as if the tone of the room must be perfect
Before I can shine a light on a problem

A long lasting tension
Ever present when I see those grey blue eyes
The tension was there even before I had my first partner
And it remains even after said companion left
Now the blue eyed boy has a partner of his own
But unlike myself he couldnt let the remaining tension stay unspoken
An intentionally exposed abdomen and carefully woven flirtatious jokes
Make my mind wander curiously
While my mouth mumbles a teasing line in response
And I realize it too late when my brain plugs this blue eyed troublemaker into my fantasies
I am only wading in his waters now
But I know I have the potential to drown in his depths

She says it wont be long
Till we see the sunny days again
But I was still hoping
That I could live them out with you

Unexpectedly
My favorite love story is not a classic fairytale
It's their story
Their story doesnt have a happy ending
Instead
It ends with a man sitting alone in a dark house he still cant see as his own

I know who he is
I can recognize him in a crowd
But when i try to remember what his face looked like
Gazing at me in a fond memory
It's as if he looks away before I can see
And I am stuck staring at a profile in my minds eye