i’d rather not be in rooms so small that every time a voice is spoken all eyes meet my two in accusation

i’d rather not be in a house so small that midnight trips to keep ones self from dying of accidental starvation are welcomed with a booming “Why are you still awake? Go back to sleep!” rather than a “i’ll see you in the morning, goodnight”

if rather not be in a house so small that every time something goes wrong i’m the one to blame because i’m the smallest of the small in this small house

i’d rather not live in a house where water bills matter less than haircuts and even haircuts don’t matter when it comes to me

i’d rather not live in a house where any time an outsider comes in they become afraid of the silence; never have they been an a house with no soul

i’d rather not live in a house where a bedroom needs to be kept clean at all times yet the living room could fall apart in shambles and we wouldn’t touch it for a week

i’d rather not live in a house where the walls are so think i can hear the voices on the other side speaking my name and saying terrible things

i’d rather be almost anywhere but here most of the time, but alas here i have to stay hoping that this all will end one day

hi i'm Destiny
we all pretend i'm here because i want to be
when really these things all happen naturally
because we all know Destiny means “meant to be”
but maybe where i am at i can't breathe
maybe where i'm at i can't see
maybe where i'm at seems like anywhere else is a place i would rather be
but here i am, destiny

Oh anxiety
It comes and it goes
And the worst part is
It's like no one else knows
Like making a joke
And then no one laughs
Like water going cold
In your hot bubble bath
Like sitting alone
In your room while you cry
Not because of other people
But because if your mind

You were a pallet
Emitting from me all the colors in which my body holds so dearly and tightly

You were red like the burning passion that came to my soul when our voices collided and created a beautiful depiction of what we one day could be-
planned on being

You were orange like the sunrises we would watch in the mornings while practicing our favorite songs despite what the people around us would say-
I never knew I would miss those times so much

You were yellow like your walls that you hated maybe because of the color but maybe also because they bound you in a place I know you didn't actually want to be-
you didn't very much like your family

You were green like the life that poured out of the plants on the outside and sometimes even on the inside of us-
roses that sometimes came with thorns

You were blue like the walls in my room- as many people would call them even though I always told them it was periwinkle-
not blue
you listened to me though and everything was okay

You were purple like the color of the shirt I wore the last time we talked face to face-
just yesterday though it wasn't a real conversation
it hasn't been a real conversation in a while

You were white like how everything seemed so pure in your eyes-
so beautiful, so wonderful, so lovely
like snow that we haven't actually seen in years

And then you were black
you were missing, you were gone
you were everything that I didn't think was actually there until it engulfed me


You were the perfect pallet that I needed and that I used to have
until all that was there was black ash on the ground

Missing you was...grey? I guess
it's nice sometimes but it's not what I want
grey is so much easier to come by than silver
silver is what we used to have-no not even that
it was more like gold

The colors we used to have were so perfect
all the light shining out of us
until that white light became a yellow wall, sunset orange, passion red flame that only left me with colorless black ash on the dying green grass under a fading periwinkle-not blue- and purple colored conversations sky

Maybe you can't get to me
Maybe I'm just a princess inside her tower
Not knowing you're out there
Fighting for me
Or maybe you aren't trying to get to me
And I’ll be locked away forever
Or until someone else discovers me
And thinks I'm worth fighting for

But I will never know the truth
Until someone shows up in my room
Maybe it’ll be you
Or  maybe another fighting prince
He will wake me with a kiss
And carry me off into the sunset

Or maybe no one will come
No one will see me worth fighting for
Or maybe I'll always be undiscovered

A princess hidden in her tower
Waiting for someone to notice her
And think I'm worth fighting for

But maybe that's not the truth
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for
Maybe I deserve what I've got
And that's why you're not here yet

Maybe you're not coming cause you hate the true me
Maybe you just choose not to care
Maybe I'm not worth fighting for to you anymore
And I know I'm not the best choice
I may be the worst
But maybe you'll forgive me
Even though it hurts

Hurting you was my spindle move
Which I now regret
Dosent matter what I'm wearing anymore
I don't have your compliments

And now I'm in my tower
With all my fear and regret
Daydreaming with closed eyes
Thinking 'bout what I said

Partially hoping you don't come
Partially hoping you do
So I can tell you I'm sorry
For making my spindle move

And maybe it hurts me
Worse than it hurts you
Just knowing that I cause you pain
Is enough to **** me through and through

this is so harsh
no matter how hard i try i will never be
beautiful
i just want to be
beautiful
but no one sees
beauty
in a small girl like me
beauty
is something for someone who is
thicker
prettier
happier
not someone who
has no curves
short hair
and depression
beauty
can come out of what you do
but it’s not
beauty
if no one else pays attention
now is it?
beauty
can come from
lips and fingertips
but never someone who looks like me
never someone who’s
too tall
too skinny
too pale
too flat
too
too
too
little
never
enough
yes i want to be the one protruding
beauty
from my lips and
my fingertips
but the chances of that happening
are sickening
and the more i realize that
the lower the chance
because who wants someone like me anyway?
feel free to look for beauty
in someone else’s
lips and fingertips
because i know
both of mine are too thin

If you were to ask me
“where does beauty come from?”
i would say what you might not believe
“why, beauty comes from lips and fingertips,
what do you think?”

I can no longer wake up and watch the sun rise blissfully over the horizon with my only friend
I can no longer feel the air on my face and the pedals below my feet as i ride on my bike, singing the same song over and over like the path i ride which is round and round
I can no longer hear a door crack and a quiet “are you up yet” from my mother’s soothing voice
I can no longer find all the comfort i need in the rays of sunlight and hundred cuties i would take in a day, every single day
I can no longer chase after the only truck we were allowed to approach because who doesn’t trust the ice cream man?
I can no longer simply live to be happy and be happy to live
Bring me back to when that was every day
Bring me back to when sitting in a plastic chair every day in order to one day barely be able to support myself wasn’t something that meant so much
Bring me back to when the color of your hair and the size of your body never mattered
Bring me back to when the weekends were a time for friends rather than a time to catch up on everything you are behind on
Bring me back to when the homework took twenty minutes rather than five hours
Bring me back to when i didn’t have to worry about cherishing my social life because i didn’t need to have one but i did
Bring me back to when things were simple and the life i lived made sense
Not to now where the only sense i’ve gained was to pick up a book and read all night if i want to make enough money to feed myself one day
Bring me back

You're with her
I'm without you
You're so happy
Having the time of your life
I'm over here crying
Myself to sleep at night
You never loved me
Though what I did was right
You paid no attention to me
But I thought of you all night
She's so lucky to have you
I'm so unlucky to not
I'm so glad that you're happy
Though you left me there on the spot
She's so much better than me
In every single way
She can sing
She can write
She will stay on the phone with you all night
She makes your heart melt away
She's got the beauty of
Aphrodite the goddess of love
I'm over here in the corner
Looking worthless as a shrub
With thorns to keep everyone out
Yet somehow you found my rose
You avoided all the thorns to pick it
And smelled it with your nose
Oh how the sweetness smelled
For the waft you took was deep
But then you picked the petals off
Driving me crazy
Then you went to her
Covered in beautiful flowers
As you had just killed my one
I wonder if you'll pick her petals too
And leave her with none
I wanted you to stay
But then you went and left
And moved on to her
Not even removing a single petal of hers
It seems you are pleased
You've found the most beautiful bush
Full of flowers and color
And no thorns to keep you withheld
You left me here broken
My petals on the floor
No more flowers for me to grow
I'm barely here anymore

i walk through the isle
and pick up every color that i like
the glass cold in my hands
smooth under my fingertips
clean before my fingerprints
picking up each piece
not even bothering to be careful of the jagged edges
blood reds
sky blues
pale greens
golden yellows
i cradle each as they represent my past
place them gently in my basket and move on
i take them home
i place them on the floor
and play
which goes where
this goes here
until my mosaic is complete
it must be perfect
for this will eternally represent me
what holds the glass together
representing all that holds me together
in all my experiences
and colorful pieces

i can’t force myself to feel okay
but i can’t force myself to go away
every night i get back down
every morning i come back around
an endless cycle of calamities
taking place inside my mind and soul
how do i get rid of this?
“you can’t” i have been told
sometimes it’s simply sadness
without a single meaning
yet i want to stay away from
all that i haven’t been fleeing

They say I'm falling in love
And it's so strange
Because of all the people
You seem like the one
I should trust the least
Yet here I am
Trusting you with my heart
I trust that you won't break it
All I can do is hope
That I made the right decision
I watch you walk around
With it in your pocket
Never abusing the charm
But rarely looking at it
Am I really falling in love?
Or am I just falling into another trap?

i’ve become so cold

the once brightly burning flames now become quickly burned out by the cold wind blowing through me

if you hold my hand you will feel how cold i have become

You say you feel bad
because you think
you cause all the sadness
when really
you place the concrete
so i don’t walk in the grass
there are just cracks sometimes
and you feel responsible
even though
it was my job to fix them

Our laughter caught fire
The flame spreading
A wild fire between us
Consuming any doubt
Burning a bright red
A bright orange
A bright yellow
Until there is nothing left
Except the sound
Of our crackling happiness
Sparks have never burned as brightly
As the ones between us

I am not bored.
When I am like this please don't suggest things for me to do
I know I could crochet
I know I could read
I know I could practice
I know I could work on things
But really I can't
I know I should put on make-up
I know I should get dressed
I know I should be doing something fun
But Mom, I don't feel my best
I don't want to do any of those things
Please try to understand
Sometimes I just need to
Lay under my favorite blanket all day
Listen to my favorite playlist at full volume
And cry
Mom, sometimes I need to cry
You don't need to worry
You just need to understand
No, Mom
I'm not bored.

“i don’t know if i can do it anymore”
said with a hollow heart
from the mouth of a worn down saint
“i feel so tired”
it dropped from her lips
like paint from a canvas
“it gets so lonely”
she dragged her feet
against the pavement
“and every night is so cold”
and she twisted her hair
like she need please me
“disappear is a word i’ve learned to love”
her hands trembled
from the breeze or maybe the lacks
“and i think one day it will describe me”
her eyes met mine
and the only one crying was me

i didn’t always realize it
but you long for a hand
to run across your skin
as much as i didn’t think
i longed for it
but when your hand
stretched across the skin
i had learned to despise
suddenly i knew
what it felt like
if flowers were to bloom
on the skin of humans
because flowers are beautiful
so that they can be loved
by the bees
but my skin never bloomed
until it felt your touch
and suddenly wanted
to be loved like a flower
before your touch
the only love my skin felt
we’re the kisses of the sun
leaving spots behind that i cherished
but after your touch
my skin felt more love
than it ever had before
but it had no spots to remember it by
only the racing thoughts
could bring back
how my hands moved towards your hands
how my lips moved towards your lips
how my skin moved towards your skin
so our souls would tangle
and a garden of flowers who long for love
would bloom within us

how strong can one stand
against the powers of their own home?
pushing against the weight of the walls
closing them in from the outside
questions and answers, always the same
you may not leave this home today
pushing and pushing forcing a fit
they’re old enough now, snap out of it
the only way out is through the glass
around the fame a body will pass
free in the night, oh where will they go?
anywhere because anywhere’s better than home

I’ve changed a lot in the past year
It may not be too apparent
I look the same, I speak the same
I never tell people about some life changing experience
Because I didn’t exactly have one
There was never a day I woke up and suddenly everything was okay
I don’t really think it’s like that for anyone
But I do believe everyone receives a day of realization
A day when suddenly all these changes hit you
And that can be good or bad
I always wanted an open mind
I wanted to be accepting of things and I wanted to focus on making people happy
I didn’t wake up one day and suddenly accept everyone
But I did sit with a friend I hadn’t talked to in months
And realized how much closer I was to the person I wanted to be
I used to be so strict on everyone and myself
I never realized how much it was truly burdening me until it was gone
Not completely gone of course, changing your way of thinking takes a long time
But I realized I didn’t care how I felt about peoples’ actions anymore
I now only cared about two things when it came to others actions:
One, I cared that it made them happy or benefited them in some way
And two, I cared that it didn’t hurt anyone else in some way
And once I got into that type of mindset, realizing what I truly believe became a lot easier
I still don’t understand everything or how I feel about many controversial topics,
But I don’t think I ever really will, and I’ve learned to be content with that.

A hand that longs for something to hold
Is only truly satisfied once in a lifetime
A pencil can enable a hand to write
A brush can enable a hand to paint
A fork can enable a hand to eat
A knife can enable a hand cut
But the hand only longs for one true partner
Something it never has to let go of
Something like a mirror image with five long limbs
Something like a mirror image with blood red ends that never drip
Something like a mirror image with blue lakes underneath
Yes, something like another of its own

My heart is my home
And that's where you live
And, God, I can't get enough of it
I can't get enough of you
So Love don't leave me if you can stay
So Love don't run, you're already so far away
So Love if you must go, can I come along?
Love, please live in my heart forever

hell in a body
thats what they call me
eyes so glassy i can’t even see
tears flowing down with my anxiety
getting yelled at living life too selfishly
being told that i’m a spoiled brat only
being hated because i’m so lonely
being hated because i live quietly
being hated because i am me
hell in a body
that’s what they told me
that what i experience
that makes me lonely
that’s what causes tears
so much that i can’t see
that’s what causes all
my anxiety
that’s what causes hatred
to boil in my heart
not for those around me
but for solely my own self
hell in a body
that’s all i ever feel
too tired to even try anymore
too weak to even move
my body burns down
like a house i should live in
leaving behind ashes and black
i want it to all be over
hell in a body.

I can scream
I can rip
I can yell
I can grip
I can slice
I can cry
I can run
I can die
Because no one notices
When you hide how you feel
Behind the door
That is your mouth
That you can not open to strangers or neighbors
And behind the eyes
That are your windows
That you can not pour water out of no matter how bad it’s flooding

No longer are the chains that hold me captive visible
They have become ghosts pushing me against a wall
Ghosts taking refuge in my body
I can’t remove them; heaven knows i’ve tried
They speak their names in whispers
And in a language i do not speak
The language known as forgotten
They speak of memories i can not listen to
They speak of pains they hold within me
They hold me captive from within
Using only a word i don’t understand
Past

and when i see that i said something wrong
it hurts me instead of you
and i don't know what to do
because you're all i have left
all the times i got hurt
caused by others
i can't let myself be the cause of this
i can't be the cause of what others did to me
i can't be the history that repeats
repeats
repeats
and i always want to stop it
i want to be the opposite
but how hard is it
to not lash on people
when that's all you know
because all people have done
is lash out on you

oh i know i shouldn’t do it
but God, it feels so good
anything to stop the pain
is something i’m willing to do
don’t push yourself like that
but please i need to
all i can ever feel
is what this causes
release the dopamine or whatever you call it
just please keep me from going back
i would rather betray myself in every way
than go back to that
back to the way i was in the dark
back to the way i was all alone
back to the way i used to be
please. just let me hold on
just this one thing
it will make it all better in the end
you’ll see
you’ll see.

Sugar
Sweet
Honey
And tea
Look at what
You've done to me
So calm
So sure
It's all okay
We'll make it through
Another day

beautiful words
i wish i could write
beautiful things
i wish i could type
you say what i write is beautiful and dark
you say that what i have is a piece of art
i don’t see the beauty you do
then again that happens a lot
where i see darkness, you see light
you see something beautiful in all that i write
i don’t keep much to myself these days
which is funny because i’m scared of opinions
i’d rather keep my thoughts to myself
yet i go and let everyone read them
i shout at myself in the mirror
you kiss my forehead and smile
i think i’m worth less than trash
and you see me as worthwhile
i guess beauty is in the eye of the beholder
because what you see, i don’t
but at least you see me this way

Do you feel freakin worthless all the time?
Do you sometimes wish that you weren't mine?
Do you want some other mountains to climb?
I'm sorry.
Do you ever get stuck in your head?
Does it take you hours to go to bed?
Do you think about what I said?
I'm sorry.
Are you doing okay?
Do you really feel that way?
What am I supposed to say?
I'm sorry.
Am I getting on your nerves?
Do you know what you deserve?
Do I not have enough curve?
I'm sorry.
Are you sure I'm what you want?
Don't I not have enough front?
Do you need a different font?
I'm sorry.
I know I don't understand
Dear, please just take my hand
I know I can be so insecure
But please show me the truth
Let me fall right back to you
Show me who it is that you still adore

You're constantly there
Whether you know or not
Everything reminds me of you
Every love song
That I listened to
Suddenly became about you
Every love story
Reminded me
Of things that you said
Everything about someone else
Suddenly became about you
And no one
But you
How did you get into my head like this?
Trust me, I don't mind

the ringtones my phone made at your call
the whining when i said you were wrong
the screaming of disrespect
the pictures of your own wrists
the threats of if i didn’t stay
the snakes that escaped your mouth in words
the messages left that were “supposed to be kind”
the handcuffs of your wrists to mine
the blood of yours you put in my hands
the showers i took to wash it away
the brick wall i built that you couldn’t get through
“*******!” i screamed
and i know you heard me.

weave
in and out
breathe
in and out
beat
up and down
feet
up and down
words
in my mouth
push
their way out
words
in my mouth
i
swallow them down
and smile delicately
as if i have not another thing to say
because who can stand
the lengthened sentences
of a romanticist ?
it seems, only me

it was your favorite drink
i drank until i was sick
i spat it in the pool
and took another sip
it was your favorite songs
so i enjoyed them to
i’d listen on repeat
to only a few
it was my favorite book
i don’t really know why
i guess when i was gone
i didn’t need to cry
it was my favorite trip
even though i didn’t want to go
the sun set that day
was the most beautiful
i had to talk to you
every chance i could
i didn’t feel like walking
like i had before
i had to sit and soak
in all of the new world
and when i had to leave
i left part of my heart
it’s been two years now
i take another sip
i look up at the sky
and i remember all of it

many times i have wished
to simply rip my skin
so that all that does not fit in
can leave

i want to tear myself
like paper, with ease
let the blood run out
let these feeling sease

i’m too young for this
i’m too old for this
i’m was not left with an assist
i was never prepared

but how can i do so
without hurting the ones around me
i would rather leave them
without a pained memory

Trapped in my head full of fear and my pain
One simple lie caused me all this strain
You said you wouldn't lie but maybe you do
And you saying that would be you lying too
I Worry and worry, I fear and I fear
That things you say to me are full of lies, dear
And I love you so much with all of my heart
Please don't let lies be what tears us apart
And I know it was just a small little lie
But what if there's more and my anxiety's right
What if your whole background is not what you say
God, who else believes it but me anyway?
I may not be the smartest and you know that's the truth
But lying too much can bring out the sleuth
And yeah I believed you for so long, it's true
But maybe it's only because part of me wanted to
(Or maybe I just felt sorry for you)

i fell in love with the idea of having another life in my room
not just me in this decorated box
not just me in this hollowed out block
but my life and another’s
alone in what i consider my comfort zone
listening to the rain through all the storms
watching as the sunshine floats through the window like glitter
and through all of this
the only life i want to share this with is yours

Even sad people like nice houses
Your body is your house that you are going to live in forever
Don't destroy the most important house you'll ever and always have
Take care of it
Paint the walls beautiful colors
Safely burn scented candles
Decorate it in the designs that only you like
We all want pretty nice and well taken care of houses, don't we?

there were a lot of small lifesavers
but like the candy, they only lasted for a short while
and after the flavor of one was gone i would find a new one
going and going until i ran out and had to buy another bag
music was one of themwh
i would listen instead of think
friends were one of them
i would talk instead of sleep
dreams were one of them
i would dream with eyes wide open
writing was one of them
i’d write to keep myself hoping
you were one of them
but you were different than the rest
the others only lasted a few months
but your sweet flavor never left

back before the pain
we used to have fun
we’d smile and laugh
we never hurt anyone
on my darkest days
you were my little lantern
shining so i could find my way
as you found yours
you floated through the air
yet never left my side
and when you hit the ground
i’d lift you up inside
sometimes your light would go out
i didn’t know it was my fault
i’d light a match and
brighten you up with a single flame
i kept you going and
i followed you
we’d see the beautiful sights
test out new heights
smiling all the way
i painted you a terrible design
but you liked it anyway
you were always my heroine
you’ve fought for me any day
and on the days
when i was down
you lifted both
my feet off the ground
we soared above the streets
as i looked to the stars
it always made me happy
even though life was hard
but it was harder for you
bring paper thin
carrying me was breaking you
wearing down your skin
i didn’t notice of course
but you surely did
you loved me enough to keep going
for my own happiness
one day your beauty broke
inside my hands
i tried to keep you going
but it was me who hurt you
i felt so bad i hurt you
i broke you to pieces
i couldn’t even fix you
after all you did
will someone else put you together
and have you fly for them?
will you still love me
after all the wrong i did?

there are some things you just learn in life
i learned
you either
live
die
or live dead
and the best choice is to live
and the worst is likely live dead
because even though you can come back from it
you feel like you never will
whereas dead is already gone
but still
you don’t chose to die
over to live dead
because help can be found
for the pain from your head

You don’t like mint
You say I’m obsessed with chocolate
Yet you love me
Me-This tangled mint colored chocolate flavored mess you found crying in front of you on the floor one day
Eventually you learned to love the things you hated
You don’t like mint
But that’s my favorite color so you say it’s beautiful
You say I’m obsessed with chocolate
But you sigh then laugh when I walk up with two candy bars, offering you one now and half of mine later(something I wouldn’t have done for anyone other than you)
Mint Chocolate chip was probably never your thing
But that’s who I seem to have become
And despite it all you learned to love Mint Chocolate Chip because you realized it was more than a color or a flavor or an obsession
You learned to love it simply because it was me

i love your high pitched voice
even though you hate it so
and i miss your beautiful red hair
like the start of a rainbow
and i miss your freckles that cover up
more than half your face
and all those times i wished i was
less of a disgrace
i wanted all that you were then
before you were even my friend
and now your gone and a smile someone else caused is all i get to see
you miss me too
like i miss you
but apart i guess we'll stay
though part of me hopes
we will be friends again someday
until then your cute smiles
are engraved in my head
from the moment i am waking up
to the moment i'm in bed
and i'm sorry i had to loose you
i wish it hadn't come to this
maybe one day this will be over
and we will both come to our senses

You call me beautiful
But how can you not see?
I’m the one who’s broken
The beauty is in you, not me

I'm okay at everything
I grew up always drawing
My sister now does art as her working
I was never best at drawing
I'm okay at everything
I have always loved to sing
But people say I'm scared of preforming
Maybe I'm not cut out for singing
I'm okay at everything
Playing instruments was once my thing
But I can't ever remember the string
Oh guess I'm not made for playing
I'm okay at everything
I got into picture taking
But what am I really saying?
If I don't know am I faking?
I'm okay at everything
I'm not like a puppet on a string
I can still do my own thing
But I'm never best at anything