I push I pull I scream I ask for help.
I never can be free without you here
I search my heart to try to find myself
I cry to pass the time of pain and fear

My beating heart; a roar inside of me
Forgotten memories lost souls hurt hearts
I'm pounding on a locked door; let me be
The pain forever hums; I'm torn apart

But still, I see the hopeful light of day
My mother's warm arms grab and hold me tight
She leads me on and helps me find the way
Through dark and fear, shes by me through every fight

When life throws me around like I'm nothing
My mom is there to hold me back from cutting
Gillian Askeland

Dance Takes The Pain Away
She dances to take the pain away.
She leaps across the floor;  kicks her leg high up in the air.
after warm-ups, she laces her pointe shoes.
On full pointe; chaînés the floor. Spotting every step of the way.
Warmth in her heart, happiness across her face.
The pain is gone.
By Gillian Askeland

Am I invisible?
You'll never see what you do to me.
Because I'm in love with a stranger.
Should I let it go?
Will he ever see what he does to me?
Breaking hearts everytime he sees me.
He doesn't even know my name.
-Gillian Askeland

I call the lifeline cause I'm giving up.
I wish I could turn the switch on and leave it on all **** day.
I wish I didn't have to fake every day.
I'm finally giving up and raising up my white flag.
I'm barely breathing.
-Gillian Askeland

I went back to you after you broke my heart.
I know you're busy now cause why else would you ignore me?
Or did you change your mind?
Why did I even let you in?
I ask you if you're okay.
And I know it's not true when you say "I'm fine"
How could you not love someone who lets you break them twice?
-Gillian Askeland

Where I’m From

She’s from that town in Iowa that’s not too big and not too small.

She goes to that school where you have to fend for yourself and try not to get in people’s way.

She’s from that broken path that people made.

She’s that girl who sits in the back of the room silent like a mouse because she’s scared to say anything.

She writes to feel okay and get to lost for awhile.

She dances through the pain.

She is sleep deprived.

No sleep will cure how tired she is.

That path she’s on, she fights every day and keeps a smile on her face so no one stops and asks if she’s okay.

It’s hard to trust and call her best friend her best friend.

She keeps a lot to herself.

Like that fact she has scars on her hips when she was drowning in cold water.

Or that she’s scared to do what she loves the most...

She’s scared to open up and be herself.

She’s from that family who has to get grades and doesn't have a lot of money.

She doesn't fit in because she doesn't own the “store named” clothing.

She’s that girl who walks with her head down in the hallway and headphones in. She hears everyone talking through the music and she doesn’t like the things they say.  

The music she listens to is depressing. You’d call her insane if you listened to it.

Have you ever looked into her tired eyes and realize

she’s barely holding on anymore?

She stays up at night and tries to sleep.

But her demons don’t let her.

She always has those questions in her mind like, “is it worth it” “does anyone care”

But, someone cares

Her best friend.

He helped her get out of that cold water she was drowning in.

She finally put on a real smile and has a real laugh again. All because she knows every day when she gets up someone is caring for her and loves her.

Look into her not so tired eyes.

Notice anything? Notice she’s happy again? Or do not notice any change?

You didn’t notice any change because you haven’t been through

hell like her

It’s because she kept fighting and not caring. She found her person

That girl is me and I’m still here letting people know they can do it and that it’s worth the fight.

-Gillian Askeland

I get this urge to jump off a cliff.

Every time I see one I walk to the edge and chicken out.

I look at how far down it goes. It's like grand canyon but smaller.

I see the river and take a step forward. I see the sky and take a step back.

L'apple Du Vide

I take another step back as I think of my family and friends.

I turn around as I tell myself one day I'll be happy.

-Gillian Askeland

You are my Thanatophobia.

I fear to lose you.

My love.

Best friend.

The one who fills that empty void in my soul.

The one who fixed my heart.

You are my Thanatophobia.

-Gillian Askeland

It's easy to say that you'll be okay.
Or that you won't cry.
It's easy to say that you won't cut or self-harm in any way.
It's easy to say that you love yourself when you really don't.
It's just so easy to say these things when you know they aren't true.
-Gillian Askeland

You were supposed to stay.
You were supposed to be at my graduation and my dance recitals.
I was supposed to tell you everything!
You would have been my Maid of Honor.
Helping me get ready on my wedding day or graduation day.
But none of that will happen because you told me.
"Were too different to be friends"
-Gillian Askeland

I was heartbroken once. It wasn’t by a boy as you would imagine. It was by my so-called best friend. She woke up one day and told me she didn’t want me in her life anymore. I wanted to take the pain out on myself. I wanted to cut, not eat, and sleep forever. But I did all these things besides cut because I couldn’t go back into my home habits so I scratched myself. So bad I’d bleed. But little did I know I was heartbroken.
-Gillian Askeland

There is this voice in my head making me go insane. It whispers things to me that are terrible. The voice tells me I'm too fat or too ugly. It tells me I'll never be enough and I'm starting to believe it. But I realize the voice in my head is just the things people have said to me.
-Gillian Askeland

She was just a normal little girl

As she grew up she started slipping away

There was no sparkle in her eye

Nor was there the sound of happiness in her voice

She grew to hate the things she loved most

She kept everything inside and let it slip by

She cried herself to sleep every night

And slid the blade across her pale white skin

She watched the blood drip down

But if someone noticed

She would blame it on the cat

Things were going down for her not really up

Her hand shook wild while she was writing her last words

She knew what she had to do next

She tied the rope around her neck

-Gillian Askeland

Loving and fighting

Accusing, denying

I can’t imagine a world with you gone.

I just want to pull you in and hear your heartbeat.

I still want you, can you hold on?

I’ll take your hand and guide you to love.

Now I’m holding on to these memories

Crying and driving while I scream

“Please don’t leave me, Hold on”

I don’t wanna let go

-Gillian Askeland

These voices and thoughts just won’t go away.

Am I really what you say?

Just tell me its okay.

Tell me they don’t want to play

“They just want to see you grey,

and decay”

-Gillian Askeland

She was broken and hurt

trying to survive through the pain

she danced until her feet went numb

and her thoughts were gone

She let the music take control

her lifeless body was now alive

and her empty mind was full

-Gillian Askeland

You are the chemicals that run through my veins.

I’m so infected I’m starting to slip and fade away.

I’m scared and lost in the dark.

Waiting to be held at 3:00 AM when I wake up crying.

I’m falling apart by piece and piece trying to put my pieces back.

The chemicals that you injected into me is slowly killing me like you planned.

You never loved me, you wanted to put your chemicals into me so I could break and die.

-Gillian Askeland

Some nights I lie awake in my bed looking into the darkness.

Some nights a take a blade to my thigh.

Some nights I drown in pain and brokenness.

Some nights I think of you…

Some nights I plan out my death or run away.

Some nights my demons hold me and comfort me in the darkness of my soul.

Some nights I sneak out with a blanket and look at the stars.

Some nights I ask myself  “What’s the point anymore?”

Every night I die a little more inside.

-Gillian Askeland

We had a lot of lake days. But this one I'll always remember. We went to the lake I was in my bikini and you were in your shorts. We had a couple friends with us. But we went into the water and messed around the whole time. I splashed water on you and before I knew it you picked me up and threw me into the water. Laughing the whole time while I got water up my nose. When I came back up to the surface you came up behind me and hugged me. You whispered into my ear "Gillian I love you, I'm never leaving" And you kissed my neck. I told you the same thing back. A couple months of lake days and midnight movies later you called it quits. It broke me cause I lost my best friend and you left me. That lake day is a day I'll never forget. 
-Gillian Askeland

1 word

2 cuts

3 lies

4 more lines

5 bruised boys and girls

6 more dead

7 tried suicide attempts

8 broken souls

9 crying themselves  to sleep

10 boys and girls asking “why me?”

-Gillian Askeland

This little girl was givin the gift of life on May 17. Little did her family know she will someday become unhappy.

She is this happy little girl until one day someone would crush her spirit.

Her happy spirit that once was is now dead. She had met the real world full of cruel people. She cries herself to sleep at the age of 11.

She started cutting at the age of 14.

She gave up and wasnt herself anymore.

That little girl that was once happy gave up on life wondering “Why me?”

She wasnt a fighter she was fake.

She painted on a smile at 7:00am-9:30pm. She became depressed.

But she met this boy who was her glue. The glue that put all her broken pieces back together. She gave him, her all. But he left her. He took her fragile heart and threw it out the window going down a highway. He left her knowing everything she’d been through and how depressed she would become.

She took away her pain by cutting, cutting so deep she will end up in the hospital.

The little girl was not the girl with no worries anymore. Her mind was now full of them trying to make it through the day.

-Gillian Askeland

This boy who was abused by his mother and father.

The girl who was his safe place.

His mother hitting him and his father a drunk.

The girl took all his worries away and kissed his bruises away.

He runs away from home and his mother doesn't come after.

But the father follows him and pleads him to come home.

He does. He gets beat. He locks himself in his room.

Pounding on the door from his mother telling him she hates him.

He takes his phone and texts her.

“Help me. please”

“Be there in 5 come out the window I'll be a street away”

He never shows.

She goes to his house she sees cops and the ambulance.

She parks her car and runs to his father.

His father told her what happen.

His mother killed him.

The girl falls to floor the dad wraps his arms around her telling her

“I’m sorry I couldn't help him like you did. I was scared of her. I was so scared to step in. That's why I started drinking and was always drunk”

“I miss him he was my world and my best friend”

“I know, and I wish I could go back and help him”

The girl goes home to her abusive dad and scared mother.

Going through this alone this time.

All this violent activity all by herself.

-Gillian Askeland

I’m lost at sea.

I’m lost in a sea made of tears from over time.

My boat has drowned and I’m drifting on driftwood.

Just trying to survive.

With no help from the sea.

The sea is waiting for me to drown.

And I’m almost there.

I got pushed underwater. I can’t breathe or reach the top.

-Gillian Askeland

My addiction is you.

My addiction is cutting.

My addiction is cutting because I miss you.

These addictions won’t go away no matter how hard I try.

It’s you, its always been you.

My addiction.

-Gillian Askeland

I miss those late nights. Those late night cuddles and kisses. Us ordering pizza on weekends or weekdays and going to my house and eat it. How we loved watching movies and just holding each other. I miss laughing nonstop because of those sarcastic comments. That moment I would catch you staring at me, or you catch me staring at you. I miss those I love you’s I miss those late night drives with the windows down and music up. I miss talking to your mom and talking about random stuff. I miss laughing with your family. And how your family would always try to get me to eat. I miss always agreeing with your brother when you would give him crap. Or how we did fireworks together and chased each other around. I miss our dirt road trips until 3:00 am when I would tell my parents we were watching movies. I miss those moments we got to share. But now here we are making them with other people.
-Gillian Askeland

During the hurricane, you were the eye of the storm. Calm and kind.

You took the pain away when you came along. You calmed my storm that raged inside my soul and mind.

When I wanted to drown in the storm you came and pulled me out of the hurricane.

You gave me a secure and safe place to stay while my world was crashing down all around me because of the **** storm.

I got to sleep during the storm when you were there.

You are the calm after the storm.

And the eye of the hurricane.

-Gillian Askeland

I put on my makeup and I’ll put on my clothes.

I’ll paint on my smile and dress to expose.

I’ll laugh to keep the tears down and drown in my own soul.

I’ll twirl my hair and act like my life is amazing.

I’ll be extra nice to those who need it.

I’ll get called names but I’ll push them aside.

I’ll go home and wipe off my smile and cry in the shower.

I’ll take the razor to my thigh and watch the blood mix into the water.

I’ll finally be me and not the girl everyone sees.

-Gillian Askeland

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all. Because sometimes we don’t control ourselves. Our voices and demons do. And we have no way to be in control.

It truly is the scariest thing

-Gillian Askeland

It’s my funeral today. I’m scared to go.

After a couple hours, I’ll be on the ground with dirt on top of me. People will walk over me again.

I’m scared to go to the afterlife. I’m showing up today and I want to give everyone hugs and tell them I’m still here! But I can’t.

I’m gone. I’m pale with my makeup done and in my mother’s favorite dress that I owned. (I didn’t really like that dress) but that’s the dress I died in.

I overdosed in that dress. I wanted my mom to see me one more time while I was still able to be held in her warm loving arms.

I feel bad for passing the pain onto my parents.

But they are strong. Whenever they see a white dove they will know it’s me.

Time to go and see all the crying faces that made me do it.

There are so many people. Even the mean girls are crying. The jocks who used me and called me a **** is crying.

I miss them actually. I want to give everyone in the room a hug and tell them I’m still here!

But I can’t because it’s too late.

-Gillian Askeland

As she lies on the bathroom floor with a pill bottle in her hand. She doesn’t realize so many people adore her, love her, and look up to her.

She felt so alone and so unwanted. She was fighting this battle no one knew about.

She never understood why it happened to her out of all people.

She was tired, so she took her mothers pills and locked herself in the bathroom. She ran a hot bath and washed her face and hair. When she got out she decided to do her makeup and put on her mother’s favorite dress. She made sure she unlocked the door for when her parents came home. She took a piece of paper and a pen,

“Dear momma and poppa,

I love you both so very much. But this world is just not my place. My wings are already here waiting to come out. I’m sorry I hurt you oh so very much. But I’ll be looking down on you. I’ll always be here. Just hug your pillow tighter and you’ll make it through the night. Watch for a white dove. Because every time you see a white dove that’ll be me checking up on you. This was not your fault. I love you oh so very much.

Sincerely,

Your beloved child.”

Little did her parents know that their only child was gone. She was gone… She took the pain away.

“Jocelyn, honey where are you?”

“Jocelyn”



“911, whats your emergency?”

-Gillian Askeland

White walls, white gowns, white everything.

Cries of ****** ******.

The voices and pain.

The nurses trying to calm down those who are yelling cause the voices won’t stop.

The new girl crying in her room while reading a book.

The girl sitting in the corner rocking back and forth, counting the days.

The boy playing chess with his imaginary friend.

The mom crying because they took her child away so she wouldn’t hurt the infant.

The grandma just visiting her blind, mute, and deaf grandchild while tears roll down her cheek.

Do you hear the voices like I do?

Do you see things that aren’t there?

Are you just like the rest of us?

-Gillian Askeland

Life is like a guitar.
You can't play on broken strings
You can't be happy when you're broken.
You have to fix it before you're able to play.
-Gillian Askeland

I wish you knew
I wish you’d realize I’d never hurt you…

Hurt me because your gonna go off to college soon and you were scared I’d hurt you when your gone…

I wouldn’t hurt you.. you mean so ******* much to me.

You were the light at the end of the tunnel.

But now that light is gone.

I’m trying so hard to get over what we had.

I told you things I’ve never told anyone before.

You knew I was suicidal and hated myself.

I’d never hurt you. I won’t try to **** myself anymore because I can’t hurt you.

I wish you knew your the only one I’ve ever wanted.

-Gillian Askeland