void careless
rock-star dreams
hopeless probation
fuzzy American ethics
loom secret command star
surrounded by angers
told i'm sick -- growth on track!
rising up to an unknown home
craves attention
can't sleep
need money, poor family
turning 23
need to become a rock-star
void careless

Seated in your cortex
You are excused for a time
By molecules of destiny--

Hallelujah.

Mr. Crowley,
Wyrd and wonderful
Mr. Feynman
Precise, boisterous, and exquisite
***** Wonka,
Pay him a visit.

Because I've got a golden ticket.

Encased by the left and right,
Hanging down in particular symmetry
Operate that scintillating organism!
Humming with treasured melody

Thanks for your music,
and who knows why?
Good fortune is here,
But don't worry, darling

It will all be washed away.

I live in a dug-out hollow
I ride on a worked-out groove
Corpore hominibus alterorum
Dropping giant Clothespins

Hae res manuum
Little flowers
Balloons, sized instruments
Living in The Shire

It's so nice in the summer

We built a cute little habitat

Shame on us for being anything
But quaint, happy beings!

When searching for the meaning of my thoughts,
I found a sturdy pedestal of sorts:
That solid fact of history
Yggdrasil in the Earth.

But the strangest echo came
From the miracle of birth.

And down the path behind
The common pattern wants to blur.

And from this evolution
Predictive thought emerged.

So in searching for the meaning of my thoughts,
I stood upon this pedestal, of course
I looked out into the future
And saw that I'm a fool.

Convention makes a man
Into a tool.

We see this is
The only thing we'd do,

But still we're something new
And it keeps us all in school.

When searching for the meaning of my thoughts,
I feel this strangest paradox arise.
I feel the itch inside my rolling eye.

The meaning of my thoughts--
Of course it wants to burst
I want to know what else
Is universed.

I'll turn you off
So it doesn't hurt-hurt
Hurt you as much
To, to turn the lights off
Lookin' for grace, i

Will turn you off
So that it doesn't hurt you
Hurt you so much
To turn the lights off.

I have spent my whole life thinking and wondering
Never really living.

I don't know if you can be trusted
To have children.

But I'm here and I'm queer
I'm not leaving til it's over
Lucky me, I'm all crimson and clover

Take me there, take me down and berate me
Twist my arm, hold me down and just hate me

I am not the reason.

I'll turn you off
So it doesn't hurt-hurt
Hurt you as much
To, to turn the lights off
Lookin' for grace, i

Will turn you off
So that it doesn't hurt you
Hurt you so much
To turn the lights off.

Don't be such a ******* now,
You've got a nasty attitude
Don't you tell me you don't have a choice
We said you do

So you go off on your crazy rants
I don't care, not in the mood
Well I'm the one who wears the pants now
Babe, we're both getting *******

And I am not the reason

I'll turn you off
So it doesn't hurt-hurt
Hurt you as much
To, to turn the lights off
Lookin' for grace, i

Will turn you off
So that it doesn't hurt you
Hurt you so much
To turn the lights off.

You're so whiny
Hey you're so whiny!
You're too sensitive
Well you're the reason!
You're a loser
No you're a loser
I'll take you out of this world!

I'll turn you off
So it doesn't hurt-hurt
Hurt you as much (if I hurt you, baby)
To, to turn the lights off
Lookin' for grace, i

Will turn you off (well I said I'm sorry)
So that it doesn't hurt you
Hurt you so much (we're both sorry, baby)
To turn the lights off. (Now i'm SORRY)

New ancients raise rusty joints
To trace the confines of a trusted cage
The bars of which hope escapes
Like tiny younger versions of myself
In a twisted fractal that keeps hope alive, live, live

And in the way that it wills on
Layers stack on top of layers
Cemented to the unmoving husk of it all
The husk we fall in love with

Oh honey, there's nothing wrong
Oh honey, we were meant to be this way
Oh honey, take a big chunk on me, it's fine
Oh honey, trust me you should be thankful
That's not the worst I can do

You could take me down for my lack of culture,
I haven't read,
I'm not practiced or professional enough,
I'm just such an ogre.

But baby, I'm the reason for the season.

You don't get Marx without me.

You don't get Sartre without me.

And you don't get paid without me, babycakes. Hah.

Maybe I should have done some things differently here or there, but there's really no metric to judge that notion against so we're kind of mucked on that front.

However suffering, like everything else, has to have a shape and a color to it. The fallout of my love is going to find its way into my senses and to the middle of my brain whether I like it or not. You could say it builds character, but I think it just destroys it.

Remember that I write, girl. I don't really read all that much.

I am the man who reads the burning book.

Stop looking at me funny.

i'd like to apologize to anything i've ever said i loved,
for the more horrid form of suicide which i have committed,
and am committing right this very moment,
and that is letting yourself go.

now my love means something strange
and for each diluting moment it spends in purgatory,
it feels more half-assed.

can you tell when we're chilling and smoking after the party,
and my eyes stay furrowed the whole time,
never rising to a round and even conclusion?
i think god's got me on a string
and it's attached right between my eyes,
i'm always worried about something
trying not too list too hard to the side
trying to engaging,
fun.

i'll do better next time.

I bear the child of ****.
I only want what you can't give me
The fissure grows in my wombless corpse
I am a man who is a cursed woman
Male genitalia are just selfish weapons

I bear the child of ****
It is not an ordinary child
It an evil thing that should not exist
When you are all perfect
My child and I are mistakes
Bearing a kind of impossible stigma

You always have your reasons but it's always unbased
The power you wield over me is out of place
Stop boasting, stop acting like you're stooping to treat me nice

I bear the child of ****
God's act of kindness was a selfish thought
I never wanted everything I got
I bear the child of ****
I bear the child of ****
I bear the child of ****

Can't you see we're just animals,
Haphazard,
Sprawling out ends into endless space,
Flailing arms and working hands,
Working gravity to grave?

But still I think:
The thing I pine for is the god
The pining inside me,
The god inside me,
Who is nothing and everything.

Th' infinity I must capture
And finally set free.

The life I love
Is the death I'll choke.
I must love
What is free.

did i catch you flying past?
wonder woven in your breast
with leaves like folded feathers
and slopes like
sleeping doves?

did i miss something you said?
nothing ever seemed so sad
as the day i turned away
from your love.

i slung a string of sour words
in a blind and seething rage
then one day i stumbled out into the sun

curses stuck between my teeth,
i saw a sea of porcelain cheeks
and i would die
if i could just turn one.

If my heart was a red wheelbarrow
If my hands were like leaves that shake
If my head was a pile of stones here
If my red wheelbarrow breaks...

If my love was a problem for us
If a force was the way to go
Is it wrong that we feel enjoyment,
As we drown him in the lake?

I am not the one who's
In control,
Although they say it helps
To frame as partial.

The world's a toy but now it's
Getting old
And I just
Think integrity is integral.

If my heart was refrigerators
If my eyes were like TV screens
If my hands turn to alligators
Would you still lay love down on me?

I am not the one who's
Medical
I guess I'm lucky but I'll never really know

I was a boy and now it's
Getting old
But I am not the one who's in control.

If my heart was a red wheelbarrow
If my hands were like leaves and snakes
If my head was a pile of stones here
If my red wheelbarrow breaks...

If my heart was a red wheelbarrow
If my hands were ...
If my head was a pile of ...
If my red wheelbarrow breaks...

If my red wheelbarrow breaks...

deranged scream

IF MY RED WHEELBARROW BREAKS

Must've done something wrong
The rock stands in the water
Heavy streams pushes by
I thought I heard voices talking about me

But it was not just the stream
There are voices talking about me
Building up a case, like in Kafka's book
Me, and what I did wrong

But I haven't done anything wrong,
I was born and everything just followed.

So shut the **** up.

I'm really not
Anything special
I have smart or sharp edges
But that's just a shape
We're all just shapes
We all live and die
Dream go unrealized
Every day,
I decay.
Oh well.

I don't know what the f--- I'm leading
It's been ten break-downs and eyes are bleeding
And my conscience fractured through
I don't know what the h--- to do

This makes no sense
And there's a shallow edge to governance
And it cuts me like a blade
But maybe someone good could have it made

And would you fight for me
Would you fight for me
Would you fight for us,
Just fight for you

Because I'm feeling down
But maybe you can hold a tune

A fool's eyes survey you,
Then flicker away
In sudden retreat

You are too beautiful
And my mind quakes,
My skin sweats

When you were writhing in pain
I was wandering around, cursing at the sky.

You were too beautiful
To be in so much pain,
And I
Was too idle,
Absent.

But the stars keep burning in the sky.
How do you think
I should spend my time?

lol why did i say **** all of you

You are flocks of wrinkled hospital gowns, flying to the junkyard
You are memories of good ***
You are cigarettes dropping from speeding cars
You are the wind, you hear no regrets

You are passed out in the back of dive bars
You move hordes and cities with words
You are chemicals mixing and seething
You were innocent, crushed by the law

You are paradox whirling and singing
You're a judge, that's the best you can do
You are a red wheelbarrow, a sick young girl, and a doctor who writes poems

You are dead to me, dead to me.
You are dead to me, dead.

Let's all do DMT and lose our minds
We all have to kiss the world goodbye
Sometime

But this will be an odd sort of french kiss,
Where your tongue is consciousness
And the infinite depth of the universe is her mouth

Leave your darling body behind,
That carnal carnival will go still far below you
And you'll be an astronaut on a distant planet
Where there are no clothes
To take off

Find the sweet magenta meaning of everything
Bite into it, feel the juice run down your chin
And just as soon return to Earth
And your kin

I seen you around yeah...
Flicking round those plastic cards
Fiddling around with instruments
Romanticizing reproduction, and
Burning gas
To go fast
In your a u t o m o b i l e .

I never really was too impressed.
I've found better company in clouds,
And dogs,
In leaves of grass

In birds
And turds
And wilderness

In trails,
Off trails,
Way out of town

...Somewhere where you're not around.

//

Pt. 2

You seem to look at me and shrug,
So why should I not do the same?
We've had such awful things to say.
And love, it seems just trite,
And fake.

I don't read your stuff, Jack
I read only the colors of the wind
Sensation is nauseating to me
Or maybe I am just jealous

Maybe I am avoiding the heavy envy in my stomach
That I feel when I watch you perform
And the alienated feeling I get
When I talk to someone so cultured and informed

And they'll eye me sourly like an ugly beast
They'll look down on me for my ignorance and raw emotion

I just watch these dumb videos
I **** myself by killing time
I avoid without understanding why

Beautiful things happen in my life
And i don't tell anyone about them.

A leaf blew across my backyard
And got stuck on the trunk of a maple tree.

You will die too, and so I feel alright.
I just get so sick of myself sometimes.

And someone this boyish can not age too well,
And you don't send an honest artist to jail like that,
You just don't.

Oh, send your roots down
Down deep, into the earth
Past the rocks, into soil
They won't mind if you move them a little.

Set your sprigs in the air!
Let instructions do the work
We have seen what you do
With the drops of rain and light...

I like to think of you alone
Growing tall somewhere without me
A perfect hero of my imagination

But in the fall it's all too clear:
The colors of your leaves
Are wrenched out
By the gravity of a witness

Because they do nothing for you.
A happy grace for my eyes
They are like dinner plates

I know I've had misgivings
The look on my face is called misgivings
Where I hope heaven has a string that's pulling on my brow,
Because if I'm just holding up this arch for nothing,
I'm gonna collapse way down,
Way way down without a sound

The fear of this becoming me stalls me out
Grows tumors of similar stories
And if I can't be king,
Then cut it out.

You worked probably more than you should have
Lifting earth to cut rubies
Cutting rubies to meet gazes
Forcing cardiac tissue into carborundum
Making a clean fit
Shifting perspectives
Like lifting earth.

And you worked probably more than you should have
Catching chances
Sifting through the reverberations
Saving slivers of light.
Lifting rubies in the night
Weaving your life in impossible spaces
With the last scraps of a corroding
Logic, and a corrosive logic spurned.

The chaos starts to sing
Robins merge with car horns
All tied to my wrist

I clock in and walk into the electrical room.

I'm wiring up the cars and people of Hatfield
Which I am about to drive through
I'm wiring up the clouds and plants and the sun


I shoot the distant past out of my heart like a cannon and I know it happened but I'll never be there

I can't avoid what I must have done in the future.

But that sounds like someone making excuses

A dead squirrel
Pressed into the street by someone else
Reminds me I crave ablution
The small teeth of all my contrived sin
Abrasive to my mind

But that's the only way we feel anything
Is with pressure
And pride tells us that's good
And the warmth of the shower

But the element of fault works cracks into my mind
My body
And I haven't willed myself not to strike back when bitten
I should just let your teeth sink in!
Because I need to eat without a kicking prey

And i know Jesus never lived this way

bizarre
dedicated to the cause
a team player
coming through at times like dynamite
striking lightning into the hearts of demons
masturbatory and inspiring
the collective soul, the self dividing
come find solace in my broken heart
i have installed the most spectacular
stained-glass windows

Strange is normal,
And death is life
I am not a kid anymore,
Though you can be nice.

I am not a human,
I'm a curtain of death.

Closing all my arguments,
To nobody's interest.

I am beyond myself,
It's plain to the eye.

I'm out of my head,
Like the broken sky.

You think you're secure
But you're a goofy man.

You can try and act tough
And now I'm talking to my plant.

LET GO LET GO LET GO
what your family means
LET ALL OF IT GO
yes I will be your scapegoat!

I will die like Christ!

BUT NO I AM NOT TO BLAME
YOUR HATE
WILL ALWAYS BE IRRATIONAL.

No one ever told me my heart would be cold by the time it set its fire,
A perplexing trade she makes
In infinite value to discrete sensation

Science only serves to complicate the scaffolding around my heart,
And my blood shrieks for purpose.

I stoke my territory wherever I go,
Walking around in an idle circle
I'm at the transportation center in Norristown

I wear the nice clothes of the age, waiting for a bus
Heading home from a drug test
We are exchanging quiet words in my corner of the world
She strokes what I am with what I am not
She tells me I'm handsome, tells me she likes my shoes

The air tells me I'm overdramatic, I swear she permeates me
Swear she knows my innermost thoughts

And all around bums are begging
Rock stars are boiling
Killers are killing
And everything is happening,
Going straight through my heart...

And yet I'll tell you my heart feels cold.

At times

Spotting death
From clear above
But rotting flesh
Can still make love
Black and rank
Just add perfume
Give your thanks
Accept your doom

I am not
As cool as you
I am dead
Still getting through

I gotta delete these ******' poems, man.

My blistered ears can't take any more
Your searing love gave birth to a snarling animal
Snapping at your stupid wagging fingers.

From here, it seems like you gave it all to yourself
And you mostly left me out

But that still don't make you happy
As I work down the edges of my heart
Losing hope

Infected blood that cannot relate
I've grown a crust of apathy
Locked myself inside a cage

I don't paint on these metal bars
I like sliding in my filthy blood
And smashing my guitars.

Still I will say,
You exploit the gradient!

I can only be what I am
And we hate to be a disappointment
Or feeling helpless

But because you are not me,
You can take up this shape of something so desirous
Something I can never be
And because of these certain effects
You can say you worked hard for it
And you did, that's not a lie
But you also know how that comes across to me--

You just automatically are that thing,
No fair, how come you get to be that,
And I'm just stuck being this?

Whether it's my motivation, I didn't try hard enough
Or just my natural state
I could have practiced more and didn't,
Those things likewise all shake out and that is definitely the truth

But there is another way to arrive at that conclusion, and even if you validated me on that point it would still frustrate me to no end!

"I hacked your brain,"
It said
But you will never prove it happened.

We are running on your circuit
And I live to take advantage.

You're the one who's always true
We should give our lives to you
But I saw it
Running rampant
And I built a little mill there

From the mill we made our millions
And I will admit I mocked you
In the final execution
But this is just your crazy poem.

The essence and the ether
Process yourself truly
Admit that you are evil
And swallow down that ego

Be scared of what you read,
Accept the poison sunshine
Tremble to the music
And cursed is this man

Who makes an enemy of Michael
and of Gabriel...

Whether you chose it or not
It doesn't matter
I know you are poison
And I will deal with you thusly

And of course we know
He always despairs long before he really ought to,

But is it really too early?
Is it?

This is everything,
And this is what it does

Choking on the concept of trying,
Trying to hide seems better
Than trying to shine

I hate the sound
Of the little rushes of blood
That your heart sends up to your head

I hate the things you whisper into my jugular,
I'm right there, you know...
Some of us are listening.

I hate the place where it goes
And the thoughts it fills up
All disparate and hairy,
All tangled in Earth and Pluto and Mars.

But you might not get to light up like this again for an eternity!
Ha, what a joke.

As I watch your flesh rot in the sun,
I'm shaking my head
It's not mine
I never knew him
I used to love him but he gave up on me
And yes it hurts but that's why we ask
Are you or aren't you?
Will you or won't you?

I started at that question.
We both got excited.
But then I left the party and you started talking to another guy.
The next day you read that i'd died
The next month you cried
But now it's always June and July
I see your spring and raise you 9

I'm chasing my hardware.

In an effort to make myself more secure,
I have not secured myself.

I have not made myself overall more vulnerable.

But I have not done nothing, either.

The displacement of my present mind
Has caused an apparent fluctuation
But we know what we're doing.

When I try hard to be moral
I have not saved the light.

I have not cast darkness out.

And yet I have saved the light,
And I have cast out darkness.

Am I really the author of my fate?
Sometimes you get red in the face
Screaming "yes" at me.
Other times you seem to commiserate
You seem apologetic
Yet, please don't admit this on those red-faced days.

Oh, how we hold ourself against ourselves.

Oh, how will is held against will!

Oh, imaginary numbers.

The rational and irrational.

The real and composite.

The oddly specific.

The indomitable hero.

I can see where you start
And where you end.

Where do I send white blood cells out to fight?
Here, to see the kitchen light
Catch my brother's mild eye
And tell me how your day was
Your baseball hat and beard

Where do I walk the old man off the plank,
Right into the roiling sea?
Here,
Where sycamore leaves turn gold
And trace considerations
How I could have loved her better.

Where does the universe whirl on, despite the strange deep stare of the abyss?
Here,
Where Mom and Dad are asleep upstairs,
You will always be here
With the autumn town waiting to receive you on your bike,
You adopted man,
You veritable sinner headed straight to hell,
Glance here under your crushing weight,
Before you die,
And you're forced to forget it all
And please remember that I love you
So much

And yes, I do
I have
A child.

i have this dream,
not a soul was *****
and women singing happily from the bodies of men
men singing beautifully from the bodies of women!

Not a Voice was Cut Short
By an Untimely Death
All that Need be Said
was Said.

and the devil burned out,
while gods still bled
we tried to make sure
every Family was fed
and the governments governed
and all the businesses
minded their business
they disarmed themselves
with their hands, still red.

cattle-less pews,
channel-less news
warless economies
Muslim or Jew

no extra fuss
no cannibal interest
just trying to figure a living together.
just trying to prevent such conflicts together.

just alright,
you know what
this is a serious endeavor!

let's at least make this
a little bit better.

Angels,
Always showing off.
It's so easy for them,
Afforded by universal law.

My life was the heaviest.
You seem so phony,
But I who am I to say?

Flying past infinity,
I couldn't stop my tracks
Her black hair said too late
She was a matter of fact
Not just the relationship
That I have with myself
But someone who loves me
And wants to help

But I could see past you
And endeavored to stay
And cursed that endeavor
In conspicuous ways
Because you couldn't help me
And though you tried
I had better plans in mind.

I abandoned your heart
On Kiss-me-Not rock
It said thanks for your service
We're now out of stock

There is only one person
Who knows reality

And that
I am entirely certain
Is me.

the bulb around your head. held up like
a halo by tiny unfolding hands--
they offer what they can

the look in your bedroom eyes,
your heart by your newborn child.
"i will never stop"

it paints the speed of orbits
it colors the stars in the night sky
it knows the future really but will not let you know
so as to not spoil the surprise

yet dominance and death are love
yet war and famine, cruelty just things to think about
leave an end open and you will see the new thing

put yourself first,
i think God wants to hear you sing!

everything is falling so brilliant
into your only eyes, shining as it does
and only for you prized.

You want her like that
You like her like that

Well I promise I will always be that way for you
I will always bend
I will tell you now when I broke it wasn't you

It was the circumstances

I will never fight you on this
When it's my turn to suffer I'll go down
I will take your hatred the way Jesus did
How dare I compare myself to him

I am so obviously
A different case...

bruxism--
another year of drug addiction.
abcess, recessed, sunken in
feeling like a ghost, walking through the house
hungry but not eating
hopeful but still leaning.

Learning.
a bright red box goes maroon
a bold and serious gray sets in, around
if hold your head steady,
imma milk the cow
keep a clear radius
and i won't worry about the moon
watching me sleep.

you never died,
it's Logic.

you're still a king,
a drug addict
a rapper
a messenger, a killer
a pilot, a secret goal you never knew

but in your heart you know
because we're all fighting the same fight

moreover, you are the Empire
you are the Family
the Spirit
the Government
you are just a head of God
taking it all in,
making it all go.

sometimes i just write my feelings
i hope you don't think
that i think all of these
are good

Crazy lady with her hair all over the world,
You strangle and cut
Caress and make lovers, warriors
Songwriters and toilers.

I retreated, holding onto one thick strand
Of your crazy, crazy hair.
Oh, I remember how it was
All pent up on myself
Letting locks roll over
With crude musings falling from my blistering head.

I'll unball my selfish body seeking no promise
Because your hair is so fascinating.
It played me like a violin--
Do I hesitate symphonic love
With the thought of a snapping string?

I'll pull my bow across one hair
That passes through the open air
And then another, what a time
To carve out truth with melody.

Ohhhh noooo
Don't you make an enemy of them
Angels
Don't you ever hurt your only friend

Well don't you know that
I own you
I own you
I own you, believer!

Yes daddy
I am just your slave
A symphony
That you orchestrate
Keep me down

Yeah keep it all a secret
Keep me down

All the disparate faiths
All the separate ways
All the different waves
Splash a splash a splash
Make me cave

All the disparate faiths
All the separate ways
All the deaths we fake
Laugh, I laugh, I laugh
Ain't it great?

I was adopted
It don't happen that often
But it keeps a pretty gap
I'll get off of your lap

I was adopted
I was, I was adopted
It keeps a pretty gap
Sometimes it makes me laugh



I DON'T FIT
I DON'T GIVE A ****
DIE FOR ME
AND LIVE IN MY ARMPIT