Being your mother isn't easy--
You never would believe me.
The branches of the trees that hold
That cradle, and my baby.

And I'm a man who has to know it
But won't speak up to try and show it
Because I have reservations
The truth is strange sometimes, we know that.

And so layers deep, careening
We start to understand the meaning
But we all have different pieces
And reject the things that hurt.

But in inherent association
We call our God a Satan
And the system can't exist
Without the flames of hell escaping.

But maybe the meaning is ultimately nothing.

Do you feel heavy,
Crossing in front of this car
With a black tee draped over aging muscles
Muscle wrapped around aging bones?

I've convinced myself that I'm light
That I'm young
That what I know deep down isn't eating me alive
That it's not that bad.

You lifted your eyes
They saw through the windshield
You saw my levity
And I'm sure I saw stress.

Well I thought the universe was caving me in that day
Well it must be getting us both
Because I saw the weight but it wasn't crushing you
It was making you glow

Yeah you looked worried but I know you're a strong man
I could tell by your eyes
I could tell by the beard.

But it was just another day,
Who knows what imbues the sunset
Who knows why I'm still holding on to hope?

Our skin is like disaster
With radiant ***** of hope
Nested on the precipice
Leaning into death

And death leans into me--
The leaning is preferred to picking beaks or bullets
Because it's the pressure that makes daisies and lovers out of clay

Like a little kid pushing playdough through a plastic toy

And you can lie and cling to meaning
When the hemorrhaging starts
Say: the kid is pushing me through a heart-shaped hole
I hope at least he's having fun
But there is no child in there
And no one wants to feel like a *******'s pen

And I'm scared of what my pen might say,
If pens could talk

But then again, at least I can imagine it. **** on that for a minute, it's a funny thought.

But no, I was never awkward.
Because I only go in one direction
Crossing ether with ether til there's flowers,
Smacking my palm's meat against a tree trunk to confirm that yes, it is hard.

But I know I was low. Oh, I'm so sure I was low!
Bending under the weight of weightlessness to become way too scared of letting go.
This all must be someone's fault,

But we don't know.

So pick your spruce tips in the spring.
You're right, the flavor was bright and citrusy
A nice snack indeed, filled with vitamin C

And eat your food from cans, it's quite a certain thing.
Maybe you're eating from your own stomach,
There's no way to really tell.

Yes, you're giving birth inside yourself--
True, osteoblasts rove bones
And ribosomes fold proteins while you fold your clothes

And the passion with which you make love is noted.
And I am pregnant I am pregnant I am pregnant like the sky
I can't bear to tell you any more,
Please stop hassling me with all your questions.

Are you really made of stone, deep down in there?
With soft tissues between, yes I am, yes we are?
She seems to want to know.
Wants to say that she's glad to know
And she's scared like you
That we are kissing cousins
That our veins go in circles and circles... don't go nowhere

But what if they do?
Can we talk about something else,
Maybe put something on TV
Slide photons into our eyes and mash up matter in our mouths
And I'll watch you fall asleep and see your chest rise and fall
And we can paint a house
And we can be in love,
Oh yes we can.

she writes down the formulas of my dreams
when i sleep
and does chemistry experiments at home--
illegal stuff, stuff that could get her in big trouble

but she manufactures drugs
and puts them on my tongue
just to change the color of my sun

a mind lost
in the froth of its own thought
largely amorphous,
but sometimes it cuts through.

My brain is rocked.

I feel it listing,
But it's mad confusing
With so many sides in the sea that float
And take on water.

And take in beers,
My motivation crouched inside
Trembling with fear.

When life makes me angry,
I want to rip a hole in my jugular
In the center of my hometown.

Has the forgotten life of you
appeared outside your room?

The monsters that we fear as children,
the death in far corners.

it is very real

You appeared outside of doom,
but it won't be long,
and your head whirls round.

the grim cosmos devours us all,
fool

and the monsters just mature, just age with us
folly

the very cold and forgetful universe
your own complete absence
visits you in nociception and negativity
but you will find yourself again
you always do.

...

****

i love fall out boys

is it feeling sorry
for breaking into her heart?

is it feeling happy
to make a little art?

dying, dying
justice on my mind
definition that is melting

those answered questions just denatured.

the probability that you'll return to the human race.

is it being ripped in half by love
over and over again?

is it laying here all alone
thinking how i'm just young i should live now
not waste my youth
but tracing the image of your body
chucking arm blood into social media expressions

it's on the other side
right in front of my backwards brain
eating away at me
negating the need for me.

I don't want to read Chaucer
I want to forget everything
I don't want to study Van Gogh
I want to forget everything
I don't even want to read Edgar Allan Poe
I just want to forget everything

I don't want to study music theory
I want to forget everything
I don't want to find a way to love you
I want to forget everything
I don't wanna find a way to fall in love with you again
I just want to forget everything

I don't want to hear about Robert Smith at 29
I want to forget everything
I don't want to hear about your Olympic Race
I want to forget everything
I for sure don't want to listen to Taking Back Sunday
I just want to forget about everything

I don't want you to make me cry
I want to forget everything
I don't want to think I'm supposed to hurt
I want to forget everything
I don't wanna feel your scathing words
I just want to forget everything

Harmony, sweet harmony
It doesn't exist here, baby
Harmony, sweet harmony
There's somewhere it don't exist.

It's pretty idiotic to have a dream
Some might say
The way I conduct myself

Is less than great men of history
But I have inside knowledge

Every action has been forced
I never had a choice
This is my natural state
And I live off
The benefits

Work is a concept that makes sense
Demons say I shoulda got a job
But work is a concept that makes sense
When it works to work, you'd work

And when it doesn't work, you're working hard to work again.

We'll drape him with laurels, we'll laud him and praise him
For the work that was done had no basis or justice.

my ambivalent sweetheart,
don't shy from my love--
these veins run through all things.

i see you on the fruiting vines
a wild-haired woman
running down the street
to apologize

i see it in your homebound eyes,
she's made it just in time.

if you give me what i'm looking for
we'll die a happy death
and no one's words could ever change
our polished paradigm.

and rough in love was breath--
but if you're looking for a body
i will give you mine.

i will give you mine.
i will give you fine, fine jewelry
i'll make it from the sky.

and what do you mean you miss me?
i am right here, we're here
my lover, don't be shy.

my heart has hallways

it's a lot like valhalla
only a little smaller, squishy and pinkish-red
a lot lamer. in rooms i'm playing guitar
or maybe i am playing with the dogs
or fixing myself something different to eat
hey, it was actually good

these walls caught the sound of your voice
and held onto it
when you walked with me here
i was excited but not ready
you were older
i bought you all these things
but you just got me Emily

and it's coursing through his mind
and he only wants you and he means that
and he doesn't have the patience to write a great poem right now
barely the patience to accept you won't ever date again
he can imagine other things but he rejects them in real life
he just wants you, her voice, her body
he knows it's in there if he could just dig it out but no

i've decided it's much better to leave you alone
considering me and considering you
only i ******* can't
i really, really want you back
and it kills me
every ******* day.

My lover dances on my lips with a crimson kiss
Sharp as a razor, it cuts through my mind
And burrows deep inside, whispering words
In the tones of her voice
Deep in my mind.

My lover envelopes me in understanding
The paradise canopy I shouldn't expect
But once grown around, I see where I am:
A place in her heart
She's tended so dearly.

My lover is a patient woman--
She should tap her foot to the beat of my heart!
And give ultimatums, but no
She waits.

My lucid hero
You are engaged and impenetrable
Cherished in the full grasp of my heart's eye
Fighting for a cause.

With grace you carry your great onus
With great glory you carry the purpose
Of all things good
When you are small and humble
When you are weak and mighty

When you are alone,
You are a stolid friend
When you are submerged in the chaos of the world,
You do your best.

You deserve recognition,
But you decline, deeming it unnecessary.

Instead you reach out,
Widening the warm touch of your only mission

To bring the world a little home
In the wretched hands
Of a lonely human.

Reciprocity is a hell of a demon
Gets you used to having cake

Don't you see your careful work
Is a just a joke to make?

Because if you are a circuit,
And you try to lay down and submit
Knowing it's the rulebook you play by
Being the one true experience,

Just know that derivatives rise from the maelstrom
Who are whisked from infinity
And they have no rules to play by

They beat their chests and say dominance begets dominance,
They tell them not to listen to types like you
Who would have them believe you had some kind of crazy rule to live by
You who thought being submissive would give you some kind of future power
You could be right but you'd still encounter these.

Because they don't care if they've arisen from that part of your circuit,
Or care about how you think it was afforded
Because in the end it's there and it's the wave they are riding

In fact you can't claim it as yours
And you can't say that your submission has anything to do with it

It's just your pride trying to connect a high with a low

And so you'll always find these demons

Telling you that

And you're the same person

Every time

i am in the colors between the colors
luciferian bubbles spring from me
yes
i am effervescent in space
i am more than whole
i am a gathering of bowed hues

leck mich im arsch is playing in the background
i don't give a **** what you think about me
everything
is gonna be alright

Sometimes your vessel will glow with a music that's in-between
Rushing fugues of color
You can't make up God's mind

Your dials rotate under moonlight
What went wrong?
Why did you sleep on the roof of your house?

The perihelion draws sweat from your skin
We buried it in time
Cause we're cryptic kids in a tragic world,
Always leaving us a line.

Nobody knows you're here,
Just you
Distrustful of comfort.

We can't find a way to place it
We don't know what to do
Not in this moment
On this radio station between worlds

I can't be like you,
I'm not like these reflections
Swimming around me.

With shaking hands,
I realize the entire universe ends with me.
Somewhere else in time I fall to my knees
And cry the greatest and loneliest cry of all time.
But here, we whirr and buzz on. We talk talk talk when we're alone to keep this moving. Fibers come loose and fall to the ground every day.

It's red, love. The color you bleed. The color of apples.

It's orange. Like "A Lesson in Romantics"

It's yellow, like the sunlight in the morning.

And green, like the forest you've been courting.

It's blue, like the sky you're scared to look in.

And violet, like the flowers you brought home.

Don't you see, we can't exceed ourselves at all, so it's up up and away with love!
There's nowhere else to go but here
With gravity above.

don't **** me please

-shrug and smile-

okay

chaos and calm lay beneath
and belie my body both.

neither one can say just right
the person that i am.

i escape both fires with my life each time
i even leave behind a rhyme
scheme, i'm scheming
i'm slow dancing,
in love with the devil.

caught in love with the devil.
torn in the torture chambers of,
ravaged by love with the devil.

we both have the same fate,
and we thank God for what he creates,
because we use it for selfish means
only we do It for other beings.

I can't tell you if God wears a grimace or a smile
If he knows romance from death
I only know my shattered breath,
I only know my shattered breath,

My song is sung between tight spaces
In lonely caverns
With cold microphones rigged in the corner

That is the only place I can sing,
(Or at least so far)
My song is afraid of love and life
And light.

I feel the animate corpse of reality bear down
Like a sea of needles under my skin
Pressing with insult and injury, my world is a torture chamber
I am in your gullet, being processed
Stinging with enzymes

You tear pieces of my flesh off and swallow
Caught in the nightmare I assist your digestion--
I reject my eyes, wrenching them out of my skull with bleeding fingers

The pale throat bulges with my body's resistance
Her silver eyes glow when they receive sustenance from my flesh

Hair sprouts from my dying body as I feast on the life of my past self
It is not as good as his but I will create a better mode with salvaged parts

Inside, I cannot reconcile some sort of sick or---sm that will occur with my death
Now bleeding from empty sockets i scream and writhe
Trapped in the gullet of an unknown creature, trapped between life and death I struggle

My new hands create works that astonish
I know you hear the crooked groans of pleasure reaching your punctured ears from the outside
You painful self, my rose
My cause for redemption,
My price
My sweet Adam
My slanted Eve
.

supposition:
derivative external beings
characterized by the tension of being selfless
that is,
people who mainly give
they don't ask for much
they don't often take.

THAT IS,
those who sit opposite the narcissists
those who are tight to ego-lessness

What these words might put them through

strung along on the same series
INCLUDED in the same TOTALITY

they never pride themselves on their egoless state

this poem is meant to drive them insane

I was also a baby who died

Included in my last breath was an innocent child
The last breath of everything, yes
We are all narcissists

And the narcissist who is suffering because of a selfish state
Is more humble than you are
When you feel good about being selfless.

It's autumn now.

The hearth roars on,
So wholesome meet each fertile dawn
The soil's gone to sickled crops
But in each day she's fertile, still.

So plant your seeds and sew your might
And keep the withers out of sight!
We'll work for strong and solid yields
Each day we'll go and reap the fields.

You're crisp as popcorn, baby
Mind the sensation, but you won't have to do it twice
You're dying in a finished house
With all your relatives around

Now don't go thinking it's a big happy time
And start sniffing your own farts,
What I'm really saying is once you're off, you're off
And I know you have nightmares about it
But you never have to do the same thing twice.

Negation song,
Stir me to another world
And stir the world that's never wrong.

String along time's end after end
Yes, I daresay: seep,
Into the cracks between my cells
Tear me apart by with wounds, as I work to please
The only woman there ever was.

It feels so good.
Sing the song that's never wrong
I know somewhere you mean the same
As every lick of pleasure's flame

Good heaven sells its wealth and fame
To seem the way it does, no shame
In Lucifer's fall, it's commonplace
I'm fading grace. I'm fading grace.

I wish I loved you like I should
But I'm a darkened soul
With a heavy heart
This curse I cannot bear

I wish that I could set you right
And keep you warm on every side
But there's nothing I can do
And you
Don't want.

Don't wanna hear it from ME,
I'll be the yoni to your blade
I'll be the sickness in your heart
That feeling
You can't bury 'til your living soul departs
I'll be the shadow in your eyes
Providing contrast to the skies
I'll ****
Every last drop of venom from you.

I wish that I could take this well
But I've got awful news to tell
I gotta spin it like it's good
I gotta feel it in my heart

I wish that you could set me straight
But I was always just a kook
Regrettably, but you
Don't want.

Don't wanna hear it from ME,
I'll be the test site of your bombs
I'll be the blossom of awareness
That knowing
You try to swallow but you've just become your death
But you're still here and grateful now
But what if someone figures out...
I'm ******
Take the last drop of venom from me now!

heavy minor breakdown with thick, slow guitar

I feel damaged,
I feel whole
I'm not with you
I've deceived my soul

Take no pity
Take a pound
I'm all too willing to go down, down
Down, down...

But you--

Don't wanna hear it from me
I'll be the re-posIT-ory
For every finalized sensation
I'll be the broker i'll forsake you
It shouldn't matter if it's forced
Forced to seal the deal
Because you have to live with that
And my god, it just ain't right

And im just making sick excuses

I see everything
And it
Is perfect.

it's funny i think if you zoomed in on matter enough
you'd eventually find some kid blowing bubbles
and that is creating the particles coming out of the vortex
changing the state of things
or this one really big guy whose name is God
and he is very much like what we imagine
or this other really short guy named God
who has a dog named
Cristofer Drew
or just this moldy hot dog
in someone's closet

*gross

Oh, you send out little shoots
Oh, we're all just screaming at the sky
But you're a giant and they sound like cute little cries

Oh, and you're not wrong
But oh, just look at your big toe
It could turn me into mush and you'd just wipe it off and sigh

There's a big rod of silver
Reach across the sky
I've got a gold made from liver
Isn't that why?

Isn't that why we stay up too late?
Me being me made you so great.
'Cause I needed you
Not to feel alone
When I die, solid stone
To stand upon.

I won this heart in a radio contest.
Something so beautiful, I should put it on display
It just falls apart, whatever the context
But it does it in this very certain way.

I thought that sounded nice,
But now I'm not so sure.
Sometimes things seem dark,
Like it's knocking on a door.
Sometimes, I give up
And sometimes I get scared.
Sometimes I erupt
But like a friend, you
Were always right there.

|||

Well, they came knocking on a Sunday
Some stolen property, some terrible mistake
They told me I got time
Well, isn't life sublime?
I wonder who I'm stealing from today.

I guess I'll never know,
I guess that we're not friends
I guess I'll hold my own
When I meet the bitter end
Sometimes we find hope,
And sometimes we just go
On to the end of...
A nightmare!
.

**** myself?
Yes I do, in Arabic
They learn what I do not
And gain power over me

But I am Godhead...
How could that be possible?
But it's mathematically necessitated
By the actions behind my skull

I **** myself in languages
So many around the world
And you're all my subtle surrogates
And I'm a white man, sent

Misty moon
Light sharp through the glass
Window standing over the piano
Midnight finds a shadowed man

The digits limping over keys
They paint in rhythm, a beautiful melody
Nocturne-- darkest navy with twinkling white
Swirling black like pools of night

Up rises a wave of that heavy ink,
It sinks
When quelled
by periwinkle breeze.

The man, the grand, the coffee
Table--
The moon, the breath of Gabriel--

i know the universe works mentally
mentally, i know the universe works
i know mentally the universe works
i work i know the universe mentally
i know i work the mentally universe

kendrick lamar told me

haha

i feel things that make sense for a human to feel
within that context
all of those things are crazy,
some of them are not.

with shades of grey.

all the way to the center:
where does experience come from?

you're a node
part of harmonic series
are you serious
i know
i know everything

you know nothing john snow

how far does this thing go?

i think it's time for bed

Charmer,
Put on your best face.
That's what they see!
Our work is to the curve.

And stay far away
You are not,
You are
You
Y

When I fold into myself I hear the birds
Canary songs and harpy eagles
Great blue herons and red-winged blackbirds
They push aside what would be a triumphant understanding of physics
Pushing air with their wings

And they push songs from their throats,
But it's not only birds I hear when I turn inwards
I hear people screaming, buildings collapsing
And the distended cries of twisting minds

I hear those half-realities that did not fit
I hear the passionate souls that wanted to bloom

And it's a sure thing that you distilled out physical law
Sure as my liver rinses the alcohol
But when I fold into myself
I just see the faces who have done it all

And then I hear noise
Birds and bullets
Car crashes and TV static
Mouths chewing, flowers blooming
The four winds gusting through my ears...

*******
I don't like you
I don't want you around

I'd rather be alone
I'd rather be alone

Throw two stones into still water
And watch the ripples sing:
Where two waves meet
They grow higher

And the valleys deepening.

But when a valley finds a wave,
The surface stays the same
Just like we started
Stagnant water
That did not know how to sing

I am one of those strange animals you may see in the street
Everything has gone awry, I ride my bike
I go back and forth for drug tests, I am lost in the cracks of court programs
I am sized up and knocked about by authority

I am waning intellect
I am what should have been but met toxins in the water

No longer young and full of life
The pain has collected beneath my eyes

I toil in fast food restaurants and watch YouTube videos
I do not know what to learn to save my life
I cannot afford college and I could go to jail for a long time if i wake up late

I do not talk to friends and my heart is going cold
The passion that once drove me now causes pain so I ignore it
Today I operate on fear and that is what powers my bike across highways and roads with no sidewalks

I have receded and become unassuming, when once I turned people on

I cannot transcend myself
I am too weak
I feel the universe
Is starting to transcend me
O, pity
I know how wrong it is
But you have become my bitter meal
I cannot break the habit
You are the easiest fruit to find
Yet so bland
And void of nutrition.

How cruel it is that a thing like this
Should happen to a man such as me
All for a simple mistake
I bleed and bleed and bleed

Masterless, dejected, I
Play with my mediocrity
I used to find brilliance all the time
I dig at the gray place
But it seems each time
I get less light

I dream of a day when this changes
But hope might drive the man insane

There's no such thing as me
Spawning such brilliant memories.

I swear I've lived it all before
I have been noticing things.

But you say that makes me sick,
And I don't disagree with it.

I guess you could say
I've been noticing nothing,
Nothing at all.

So there's no such thing as me,
Why even write about it?

Spawning such dark memories,
Why burn so bright about it?

But we've gone critical now
We are just chemicals now
And now there's no such thing as me
At all.

And now I'm nothing at all,
At all.

It is not good when I just let myself ramble

The sound is born in the tension of a string
But what holds it tight is just a dream
And the echo tells me sweetly

I, too, must be a conduit
As dear to You as anything is
There's a deep, profound Incongruence
Between the inside and the Out

But no, I think there mustn't be
Because sometimes I feel numb.
And others, gush emotion for the
Ever-loving sun

And everything is as it should,
Unbalanced but for one
And on and on until my pretty
Chamber song is done

she creeps an icy finger up under my jaw to remind me
her hand clamps down and twists my head
forcing me to face it

grotesquely
her body twists and and out of mine
her dress flows around everywhere
the folds of fabric fall down and become the sky
you know what i mean

i wish she'd just suffocate me all at once
not slowly in a stupor
it's an insult to the kid

i can pull out sun wafers and pass them around
it doesn't matter
this crazy cadaver hit a hard truth deep down
it's gonna ring true for the rest of my time here

The world meets my brain in acidic red
Puffy-eyed, childlike, wrong side of the bed
Swollen feet fumble for steps that seek only
To placate the mind for each baby bird moment

My golden track winds out to the sea
But it's empty
And I'm riding the much simpler bronze one
And not making it easy
Let this be our secret
We messed up, so quick
Pile on the dirt
And don't mark my grave

Notice the way they fall apart
Maybe today was hard
There's help along that keenest sense
Asylum for the marred.

Notice the mingling of the light
With its fate-all counterpart
Notice the nuanced little things:
They'll light your lonely heart.

Notice the talent in this world
Beyond that glowing screen!
In steady gaze, the fall is known
To sharpen every deed.

And notice the gift of this embrace
A noticer often gives
How heavenly the table
When spirit truly *lives

Whatever.
It doesn't matter.

This laptop's battery is gonna die,
and I'm gonna die,
and join the rubble
And all my memories will be lost
and all the strings that make me up
will be torn apart,
but i'm not lost.

I might as well just enjoy the moment,
take each ******-up stride
Take it one step further
Swinging wildly from the delusion of my life
Swinging crazily from my fickle mind

I don't feel based in anything at all
I feel like a foolish dream of the nether
My love is a wonderful fixture
Albeit temporary--
I'm not lost.

The window has revealed an impersonal truth,
Two of my cells are in love but not with me
Two cells that are only technically mine,
To my crazy possessive mind

Embedded in the matrix
Coincident with cherry blossoms taken on a light breeze,
Do they really know
A different reality?

When you're crazy
Those ideas
Seem pretty
Important to you.