i see my ugliness but i can't change it
i'm pulsing in the world's corner like a disgusting maggot
i revel in the gift of sunlight laid before me
i sicken myself but i feed and feed and feed

i drink tea, i make myself
cups of coffee
like i wish you well
and do things sweet and political

the truth is unavoidable
i am a crooked freak
some days symmetrical
but with wires fraying all the time
and tasting death on my tongue's poison tip

Has the forgotten life of you
appeared outside your room?

The monsters that we fear as children,
the death in far corners.

it is very real

You appeared outside of doom,
but it won't be long,
and your head whirls round.

the grim cosmos devours us all,
fool

and the monsters just mature, just age with us
folly

the very cold and forgetful universe
your own complete absence
visits you in nociception and negativity
but you will find yourself again
you always do.

The sensation of separate complices
A summation of neural activites,
Wherein lies the experience,
Out of which unfolds an impossible self
Into which leaks a necessitated calamity

You are a walking catastrophe
Better stick to harmony
Best to learn some theory
Blue note, blue note, rest.

The several elements,
All things through and through and through itself
There you are in the middle
No, off to one side
And you're nowhere
Navel-gazing at your veiled intestines, no...
Pick them up off the floor.

No convention is necessary
It shatters, erupts in flames, turns to ashes
Gets passed along to itself
Cycles black or ultraviolet

We need to come together and act weird
Drawn and quartered by gleaming cities
Like an ancient Picasso beneath rubble that's not here yet
Nothing will happen,
It will be fantastic.

intro
(here it is, what i've been trying to say,
telling you my story, ranting away
giving you the details of my runaway life
so anxious all day, so buried in strife
how tragic it is that we have unique stories
but upon sharing our fears and experienced worries
it comes out in words that seem hackneyed and common
until we articulate it right,
that's the life of a human)

body
Trust me. You don't want to be doing this.
Wasting all my time, you said I need to prove it.
But that's something I've struggled with,
Long time coming
I've made my mistakes. I'm sick to my stomach

Because the cops are convinced they're doing this right
And the jails and the lawyers, they're all right
You don't want to be waking me early for buses
Taking four hours away for a drug test

You act like I'm dangerous, think I deserve it
All the time that you're taking is time I could work on it
You've misinterpreted me,
And hurt me badly
I'm glad I can balance, but not everybody
Has the same resources.
And check your sources!
Mad corporations are unwholesome forces
And I was a brick in an unholy fortress.
I think it's sick that I slept in their purses.

Trust me, you don't want
To sink claws in my sleep
I'm working too hard just to make ends meet.
And when winter comes and the snow fills the streets
You would punish me, hard, if I slipped on the sleet.

Trust me because you *can
I can't prove to machines
That I love my life, that I love my family.
That I want the best for my community
That if I had the money, more people might eat.

I've had this dream of a responsible West
I sense a stubborn preoccupation,
Enslaving the rest
I want to be a model of compromise
Between privilege and giving
A bridge for the lies

A bridge for the lies to cross, if they choose
And put our love to better use

And even if this dream never really comes true
I wrote these words in worldly view.

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We all slip in and out of consciousness
In our own private modes
We are houses for music
And sometimes she's home

But to let alone time
In any given moment, she's
Taken the car and left you noteless
She's crashed out on your red futon bed
In a college town
She's out at the bar, and soon she'll be home
She's amplifying the sunshine of your childhood memories
Making funny remarks, making dinner in the kitchen
Cute as hell, wearing those yoga pants.

In chaos for there to be order,
Rivulets stream to and from your mind.

Concretely, you inhale air, food, and water
And exhale carbon dioxide, **** and ****.

But really, it's all the same business.

There would be no bow of colors if the light never crashed,
Emptying contents and putting a gruesome picture on the highway's sad shoulder.
It's a whole eternity.
I don't like your attitude on life. I like mine
I think it's 'broken' and I know
It's divine.

skit dop da *** *** waaaaw,
skit dit dot a wot dot waw.

sweeeee, zit zot zow.
a zit zot zow, bat baaaa.

stit saa, a woopdewa
zit za, a bop bop ba da BOWWW
(za, a doopdewa)
a bop bop ba da BOW, OW

A sloshing soup knocks against my skull's interior as I make my way down the stairs
Today, I am tired
I have tried and tried and tried
And I have the seeds of positivity in my pocket
But I just feel tired.

The structure from your slanted edge
We twist our minds to call it holy
We turn our heads and call it evil

You walk around the structure and my eyes follow you
I shake my head because that makes it right
Just like I give my love because I'm told it works for you
It works for the tribe

I'm on to dizzying heights
I molt the berated plotline

We watched Mr. Fluster fall through the cracks
You can find his skeleton in Ginsberg's concrete
You can find his tears dissolved in the atmosphere
They left a sad and soft weight on everyone's hearts
Like a bird perching there waiting for the end fighting for dignity

Like the simplest geometry,
Like the holy trinity.

No **** my reaction was out of line.
But if they think they had it right,
They're out of their minds!

Juvenile hall for truancy,
Are you kidding me?
No one wanted to listen,
No one would ever listen to me.

I came from a nice suburban home
But I couldn't disagree with my parents like a sane adult,
Because I was a bipolar kid.

And then when it all comes crashing back
Back to the place where I couldn't deal with it right
Dragging back a gut full of ulcers,
And I got caught driving under the influence,
You tear me apart

You whip me on my knees,

You do not help me learn
Or help me to my feet.

In emergencies I admitted myself to hospitals
On fire, I put forth earnest trials
When I make a mistake these vultures turn on me

Except for the saving grace of a court program
Volunteered by a good judge

Still, you make me into a second class citizen
You weigh me down to an exasperated state
I could be trusted to help myself much more effectively

No one wants to listen,
And I do not deserve it.

there is a grey wall
and a stare
and there is not much more
of an answer right now,
what is the meaning
of life

Somewhere a dandelion
clicks,

it starts
to put out seed pods--

A tadpole's metamorpho--
sis

reveals a little tree frog

The young one sprawls
with Shiva's love
The old one spars with Vishnu

A tree has breached the canopy,
Your crush just up and kissed you

Your capillaries dilate
Revealing what's inside
So wrinkle up your rosy face
But love, you cannot hide

And somewhere else, a songbird dies
Beside an oxbow lake
And both lay still,
And beautiful
And know the river's wake.

I was in between being young & being right

I felt the pain and knew the scourge,
The sour anger, bilious and burning holes
In the selfish assumption
I was made of sugar

No, I was coated in sugar

I sought refuge by day
But by night it was revenge

I was trying to tell them how mad I was,
How alone I felt, my parents,
The police, the probation I did for accidentally trespassing
The juvenile detention I did for sleeping in

But I tried to tell them with rocks
And broken glass

So they set heavy weights on my limbs
And subjected me to things I didn't need or deserve
And it forced me to be still, because
I couldn't see the black tendrils of the private prison corporations at night
I writhed and I writhed and eventually forced myself still
Because I still believe.

Because I see opportunity...

And without selling my true self I have grown and accepted
That I was wrong, that I was a flawed youth.
On top of these slighted bones, I am building a man
True to himself.

But you, sir, have some gall to rescind
And my country, amok
Has a monster to disassemble.

that spark or fleck of dust,
another metaphor for my love!
your glimmer must be a hallucination.

i just have a problem.

but maybe my problem is that i met you
when i was yet a green colt
(something i know you treasured dearly)
and did you see in me, something glimmering
any hint of the future man i'd be, the one
who, shaking his head and wiping his brow,
lopped the overgrowth from the Way
and paved the road for dainty feet?

but to speak of your soul, sweet-
heart, you walk upon this earth with a womanly power
as i have never seen, and it turned me on
to the sky!

or maybe my problem is letting go,
old sparkling fleck of dust.

maybe long the time is past
when i should trust you to the wind, entire
and dance-less shadows cast.

i'm too far from that special fire,
so bring the garden ashes from
that cold and restful pyre.

i am not sure just how insane
or what type of insane
it is, how i still obsess over you,

i am not so sure
that you and i
will ever even talk again.

but i will fall over dead
you've been burned into my Eye

///

gravity,
our two stomachs in the same room,
here in this room even pull
just at the thought. levity,
your smile pulls my chest up
towards the sky.

what if the dusty taste of straw
could waft up the Appalachians and roll down
American highways
in a little red car?

what if the cute, expectant start! of a young dog
could be bundled up and tucked in the pocket,
and brought against the cheek,
for when times get rough?

what if there was an elixir to melt worlds (starting with the mind
then... trickling down to your heart)
and remind them to gaze in awe
at the fine twenty-something girl, sleek and blonde and so ****
long legs flashing, one from behind the other as she walks
coy little smile on her face
well i can only think of only two places in the world
that elixir exists, i've seen it

what if i saw you again?

what would i even *say...

When I step out into the world
my shoes kick up suburban dust and it glimmers in the sun.

And the dust is impressed,
it looks glad to have touched my feet.

My face is steely against adversity
It holds back your memory and loneliness.

I strike my vibe down into the place where I stand

I weave a quiet legacy through streets on the bike
I am confined to for now, but it's freeing
Because I am making battle plans.

The ghost of my past follows me around
And the glimmer of my potential sleeps in me,
pieces of it in those who know and love me.

The tension is real, and the girl loves me.
She knows I am not lost forever--
Far from it.

I fell between the cracks
But I am still making noise
If the angle chanced you, you would see
The glowing ember
That is me

If time chooses to ***** me out
In this tiny damp cave in the floor
At least I saw my light play tricks on the walls
At least I watched my life burn faithfully til the end

But if fate gives me fodder
I'll be an orchard of fire
In the mode of a phoenix
I would take to the skies

My soul he sits in cementcell
Playing action figures with broken gods
He stoke at a coals gone cold long ago
Why, he do not know

Sometimes I pretend I am the essence of all that's good to be,
One with this work of art we breathe
And I look down through the clouds
From the moon,
And through them watch myself struggle to find sleep.

I watch the artist struggle there,
Swatching shades behind eyelids
And turning time for me.

I watch a seed in the soil
Work its only way
To me.

I see the broken part of you,
Which is like a shattered heaven
Spilling black blood between everything
That spills into the night sky.

But I guess I was always
Somewhere between.

it's a psychedelic experience
she stands in front of you
like a set of speakers
blaring this new song you're digging
only the song tears a hole in the fabric of the universe
revealing a mesmerizing display of radial symmetry

and when she exits the stage of your eyes
you remember the song
you hum it all day long
it melts into your guitar-work
her residue on your lips
and in the words you speak

and when she enters again
you'll see into her colorful world
will she become a fixed planet in the firmament?

Green eyes, forest eyes
Plunge through the undergrowth

Bright red blood keeping us alive.

The music Animalia enthralls and ignites
the legs to run, dancing over roots
Seeking fruit to survive.

Finding strong brown branches,
Perfect to climb.

And picking sweet citrus
From the clear blue sky.

I know that life is open-ended
Just look at all the stars just hanging out in space.
But there's only one way we can mend this fall,
And they're following or wandering a way

I've tried to change up my perspective,
Just look at all the ways that I can see those stars.
But I cannot find a comfortable position here on Earth,
I guess I'll move to Mars.

Everything must pour in from a strange place,
Frothing there,
Bubbling and beating there
Making music in my head
That feels too dear.

Even happiness is laced with death,
Even when it isn't felt
But pooling up inside this man's life was a pretty fortune
Even just looking around.

But why so honed in on him?
I struggle to understand the specificity of consciousness
What the simplex truly is,
And what belies duality.

How I got here

The strange places have meaning to the human.

My emotions swell in my head
Evolutionary tools
Hollowed out by sharp Cerebrus
Leaving me feeling raw and ashamed

But alive

And thankful

So let's get along,
Let's love each other.

Let's make this as easy and good a thing as it can be.

Now we see
We were just silly monkeys

And now
We are something else
Something paler
Something clicked
And we will never be the same again.

Oh, what a terrible fate awaits our future kin
My heart aches and swoons to think of them
My love goes out to them...

We will all have to die some day
Let's paint with color,
Let's kiss from the marrow.

Along something we call entropy,
I wonder what else there can be.
This feels good, but I don't know why.
The sky the sky the eye and why

you'll be the last thing i abandon,
and i can't stand the thought of it.

(chord)

(chord)

when sun rays charge the sky with color,
not with hate and sin,

i thought that i had better let you know i love you

while i still have the chance to say i love you.

(chord) (enter drums + band)

i mean it *****-- it does, it does!
i wish that i had traveled light
but one day you'll remind me how
we always travel light

never said that i was perfect,
we don't always win the fight
i mean it *****. (it does! it does!)
it ***** to say goodbye.

to say goodbye.

(instrumental)

you'll be the last thing i let go of
and it breaks me to be broken
didn't realize this was math class
would've paid more ... attention

i expressed the need for loss
when i experienced detention

i didn't want to let you go
i should have paid you more attention.

(drop)

it feels like choking on love to love
it feels like choking on love to be loved
it feels like being in love to love
this feels like being in love!

it feels like choking on life to live
it feels like wasting the thing that you give
all my confessions are endless
it feels like being in love...

x2

you'll be the first thing i remember
when i wake up in the morning
but i'll suffer something awful
when i wake up (pause)
and you're mourning (pause)

we could live out the impossible,
but words contain a warning:
there's a snake inside your garden,
my medulla reassures me.


it feels like choking on love to love
it feels like choking on love to be loved
it feels like being in love to love
this feels like being in love!

it feels like choking on life to live
it feels like wasting the thing that you give
all my confessions are endless
it feels like being in love...

(retardando, repeat)

THIS FEELS LIKE BEING IN...

LOVE (emphatic, rapid strumming to end)

(one last strum)

Complications
In the morning
Tangles in the brush
Are just accents,
Not even really dissonance
In beauty.

Upon closer examination
The cords and vines
Were united in harmony.
Even choking death is just another plant,
Ravens and mockingbirds unite
In this ultimate symphony

The harvest will only yield so much sympathy,
Lovers and losers
Brothers, abusers--
From the altar of the morning,
Watching the brush breathe
A little more than it tangles.

Tight green youth gives way to age
The very beginnings of autumn
Are opening up throughout my body

The winter wind makes my peering eyes bleak
But under ***** of skin they hold strong

They hold off the fall

Taut vocal chords begin to loosen up,
Growth is over. The plateaued body, now
Only weathers and wanes.

I still believe in scarring muscle tissue
And the marvelous plasticity of the brain.
I know
Our love has streaks of green the whole way.

So bask in nutrition,
And love to maintain.

But I know it is right,
That black Death sidles its way between me
I don't know if it's good
And I don't know when I'll die
But that's the way it goes,
And I think it must be right.

You were never very good
At guitar

Rosy for no reason...
Bicycle-pierced misery
Petals fall to puddles,
Reason for no roses.

Bloom before you choke.
See what you can see!
Pedal through that sea and cut
A handful for your love.

Whatever is your bicycle,
Get on and pedal hard
You'll make it safe to work, and dear
Next year you'll buy a car

Chase the gray away like birds
Cutting through the rain
Rise atop the hill and plant
A flower for your pain.

We hate a man for all things he's wrought,
But never stop to think could he be imprisoned
With all his choices laid out for him?

Okay, but we still have to deal with him.

We hate a woman because, essentially
She is the death trap creep we're stuck inside
Unmanageable and at times allowing no good answer
Wielding impossible powers over us?

Okay, but she's still abundance.

I seemed a shoddy chance at best
I lost it for a while
I mean no one likes to be kept on hold
And treated like they're small, and lost.

But necessity sees us all confined
And left with our sweet? deaths

But today I am not lost at all
My eyes are rolling dice
When I toss and turn in bed at night
When my youth just brings me spite

No, today I am not lost at all
My world lent me confidence
And told me, "That's a treasured
Thing, enjoy it while you can."

Tall crystal spires
are the upper reaches of your mind
And mystic fire
moves between the nodes of your body

An eloquently crafted being,
you are precisely the universe
You are sincerely burning
The perfect curse.

You irrefutable thing,
Don't let your spirit deflate
Let the truth of your beauty
Be a bellows to your body
And fall fully homeward
In love with your time.

your tears are in the back of my throat.

that is why

you do not really cry

or feel bad

The wordless swathes were lyric to him.
The woman, years and miles between
Her blurry prospect racked that brain
How like sweet time!
How like his bones...
And I can feel them scraping one another.
Making music, against the will of God
No, with it. No, against it.

!

The devil, creeping through the floorboards
Giving chase to peace and sleep
Pulling him down from his right form
Writing confusion into his blood.

Finding himself love again
In every little pebble on the path to the shed
In the grass and the sun
In the smell of the summer
And the simplex formed by his feet and his head.

Oh, what a wretched and beautiful thing it is,
To be alive tonight.

My thoughts left behind streaks of black and grey
as my body broke the wind today

A young and frustrated-looking punk
Cutting through the hospital parking lot
On his way home

Turn them on their side,
Rotate, peel away their skin.

See the garden sleeping inside.

Awaken it. Beckon it
To your life!
Bring some flowers to your mother--
Maybe everything's alright.

The world is whooshing and sort of sludging by
And people are the streets of consciousness
And I am just an eye in a city, spying on itself

And there is this little box that changes colors,
And I chase that box around
Pull it up, put it down.

It is a new part of my old body,
An expression of the species I am.

Classical objects exist, quantized in suspension
All seems apart from what it once was
The blood has spilled over yet another tier into a stranger world,
And I am made to love it

I have forgotten who i am,
And in the midst of my anxious preoccupation my worst fears have been elected leader
With real hope sitting in my treasured gut like a stone
In a world apart from my solemnly knowing mind

It's autumn now.

The hearth roars on,
So wholesome meet each fertile dawn
The soil's gone to sickled crops
But in each day she's fertile, still.

So plant your seeds and sew your might
And keep the withers out of sight!
We'll work for strong and solid yields
Each day we'll go and reap the fields.

I stayed in today,
the sun shone its brazen yellow light on the world
things glistened, birds flew
but I let the prison companies keep me inside

I let them swallow me in a flat and stagnant dream
Like a gray mucus that surrounds my usually lively spirit
This is about more that them,
I stayed in today

September dances lightly outside
But my parent's house is a coffin, with a bay window
And I died with riches of mind and spirit
And all the people around went on living,
Not knowing how great I was
Thinking I was the desperate wreck I'd become
That I forced into their vision, waving angrily
Because people are stupid, and they would miss something
Right before their eyes

They value the wrong things, and are sensationalist fools

But I love them so much, all their different stories and colors

Anyway I wish I could get a job
And I wish I knew when my 45 days of house arrest would start
For this DUI I got 2 years ago
I wish I hadn't spent most of the past year in jail
I wish I was able to access the mental health services I needed
I wish I didn't do 6 weeks for smoking ****
I wish my grandfather hadn't died while I was in jail
I wish my probation officer would just get back to me
And tell me if I can work
But I did this to myself
It's my fault
I stayed in today

All my emotions are fused
None of my dreams ever happened
Running along the riverbed
Water is mixing with water

Stop for a while, say "I"
It can escape for your body
Turns up a flag to say "I"
Leaves like a woman, so ****

All my emotions are fused
Stop for a while, say "I"
Poets are never confused
Crossing their love at each moment.

Draw me a rose on my chest.
I saw your face melt each summer
Shoot me point blank in the stomach,
Always the touch of a lover.

sometimes it seems like my brain mush slips out of the corner of my mouth
a senseless jumbled stream of conscience
with no real meaning behind it
false feelings come out,
i just spit nervous impulse at the keyboard,
it's been that way for a while now
in this moment i'm hoping that i stop

haha

The cathedral bricks evolved
Now they glow up our faces
The clergy and the ruling class
And those in
lower places

My girlfriend sleeps next to me,
I keep holding onto my pillow.

It wasn't prudent to leave you that way
Frothing and ugly
All the nice people
All the cozening beast
Turned from me,
A passing freak

I began clawing at the wall
Instead of writing poetry
And they came rushing in with guns
And treated me like a threat

A strange creature started eating my time and flesh
It said confusing things about why it had the authority to do this
In plain English
I had to sit still
I watched the creature's blood-letting ritual heal some
But it made me feel dizzy and weak

I miss you, love
When you were young--
Now it is me who is 23
And she who is 19
Only I wasn't cool enough to snap her little heart
That is for young men and is not kind to do to girls

I miss you, love
But you're so far
Got everything you wanted
I could never sing straight
I could only hit that note when I was alone
I am not like Brendon Urie
And I am not like Soupy or any of those people

But I can try

I am dizzy and you went straight through me
I am scrounging for scraps
I am listening to my thoughts telling me I will be venerated and having to snap out of it
You're crazy

D d d
We're gonna die one day
But small things are beads on an infinite necklace
And these wons were woven in with a solemn, steady hand

So I heard you can finally see.

While that may be true,
I will never forgive you.

I will demean your character,
Rot your ******* bones.

You are just a neural impulse,
You are like a sugar pill for the ground.

I will show you how everything you did
Never meant anything, never existed.

Everything you loved hated you;
You just never realized it.

And you will live with me forever.

Negation song,
Stir me to another world
And stir the world that's never wrong.

String along time's end after end
Yes, I daresay: seep,
Into the cracks between my cells
Tear me apart by with wounds, as I work to please
The only woman there ever was.

It feels so good.
Sing the song that's never wrong
I know somewhere you mean the same
As every lick of pleasure's flame

Good heaven sells its wealth and fame
To seem the way it does, no shame
In Lucifer's fall, it's commonplace
I'm fading grace. I'm fading grace.

It was your mind that commanded me.

It was the combined music of your neurology
That sang siren songs to me
Through your voice, through your body
Through your mannerisms and ways
Your thin hands touching me,
Pulling streams from a guitar.

Higher than high
Your room was a place of honor
Your bed, my passionate altar.

Your lips curled so at the introduction of my strong meaning:
The whole world was you,
Convulsing and reaching for the wound-up greatness in my young body
Giving me what I could not give to you.

And it was your mind that made it rain poetry,
Your mind that jumped like a fire from place to place
Your mind that loved to play

Your mind that built a wondrous castle
In which you seduced me like a drug
Left me staring at the ceiling in such heavy awe

There is a road to the city
called Painted Husk Road
To the tops of the towers it goes.

There is a sign in the sky
With colors in code.
It's a whimsical, crazy religion.

You'll float along faster
If you vibe with the signs
The inside won't matter
If the outside is fine

Just know when you meet
Someone out on the street
They don't all waste time
Trying hard to be sweet

There's a bitterness there
In the judgment of men
What's the reason to even suspend?

When we're more chemicals
Than chemists,
Better teeth
Than are dentists,
Only parts of this body will mend.

I feel
A nervous turning under my skin

My eyes feel too large;
A facade curls across my face

My heart feels purple and sick
It is the skeletal stuff that feels strong

I envy so much in my sight
I cannot turn it off at night

Some of the time:
I turn and turn and turn
But I never arrive