You should have been
A champion
And folded finely all that flesh
But now your skin has come undone
All loose and splayed
A lazy mess

Your origin begs something more
And shame hangs on your pretty form
So much that now, you start to wilt
You make me sad,
You wasted time.

Back when i was innocent
I laughed so hard i cracked a rib

And that
was how i died

Trying is an insane concept
We are shackled to.

If you stay down,

You'll eventually realize
There's nothing left to do but try.

Go on now, get high
The recession is not a lie
You can tell yourself it is

You autistic god
Stimming your way into heaven
But pathos won't save you

Alcohol will

Bone fragments under opened skin
Pieces of me across the universe
Crushed beneath the almighty weight

Dissipate

Vultures pick apart
The definition of an art
Creature and destroyer

Denature

Time wounds all things
But God makes them new again
A shipwreck at the bottom of the ocean

Motion

Cities burn and no one learns
Demons, angels take their turn
Backs against the wall
We all succumb,

Numb.

tonight i will pray
that every single human being dies soon

end our misery

the culture rises to meet insanity
kisses it on the cheek, says
you're just like me
and that's all it was
and science's triumph is drowned in the vast sea of nil

if the mind is the world let it be paradigm:
sanity, then insanity
self stability and unsustainability
two categories married by one essence
divorced, but with too intense a history to stay apart.

(let's say in the corner a child is playing with blocks)

now she still holds her head high in the forum
still looks down her nose at the lost ones
still gives herself cancer without understanding why
still gets naked and public and ends up in the papers
you dig?

but she clings to herself in so many cells,
she's got a social media account for that.
she draws a line from herself to herself, and
that will be all right.

see, you are like me. and that is okay.
but it sends shivers down her spine
like a strange, strange wave
there's something new she has to swallow
like a grave grave grave

--CRACK--

i have nothing to say to you anymore,
only harmonies of happenstance i have to offer.

Honey, you drip all over me
Nectar for my fantasy
Though flowers grow all over me
I worry for their health

I'll focus this to poetry
This feeling coming over me
A cavity inside
That black space pried from my health

So bruises do i ****
And wander does my mind
In the murky depths of thought
Looking for the root
Of these pools of blood

At least one started growing in
The very first breath that i took
And shaped just like a question mark,
It vexes everyone

As bad as she were bleeding me
I felt that she was cheating me
But only ever felt inflamed
By dissonance, my love

But after being locked away
And pinned down to my own dismay
And choked on ******* misery
It hasn't been the same

A cavity i trace about
I'm almost tempted to rip it through
But the garden is too tender, and
I want to see it through.

I consider this broken.

Free will and destiny have collided in a blinding catastrophe,

And I just can't make sense of it anymore.

Is the past not just projection?

Real and imaginary numbers trade places while I sleep.

Rational and irrational blackbirds laugh at me.

It would have to be characterized as immoral.

We exist in a tension loop,
We can't decide if we are deciding to suffer
We don't know when to rejoice.

I don't see myself as the driver,
But that doesn't matter.

I don't matter.

I guess I'll just dissolve.

...

I know
What I am
Please don't assume
I don't.

Lift me out
Of mundane fog,
Piercing swollen sinuses
And sparking tepid heart.

Dry the mud inside my eye
And make my world pristine,
Caffeine.

Waking to a lazy swamp
I'm reaching for my buttress drug
To stir in me a robust cup
That steams and runneth over,

Up!

I mean to match the rising sun
That grew the plant and brew of bean
That feeds the hands that worked the field
That makes my world pristine,
Caffeine.

The man demands the hour hand
With countenance too mean
I could not make it through these days
Without my love, caffeine.

Everyday i get up,
Do one hundred sit ups,
And set up my fake soup kitchen
It's made of cardboard boxes
And construction paper

I even set the timer
And act like i am driving
And when i arrive, they're glowing just to see me

I don't want to get sick
Or play into this fake scene,
It should mean the same thing to you,
Girl, you're such a liar!

Cause none of this is real
We're all just gonna die here
If it doesn't mean the same thing to you,
Girl, you're full of ****.

My brain
Seized up
And pieces
Broke off
I miss telling you I love you

And feeling wholesome

Watching pieces fall into the pit below
And making echoes
I'll keep climbing

I'm a demon

I am a demon

i hope a drunk driver strikes me hard
i hope a sharp piece of steel cuts this mess right off my hands
i hope it's clean and fast
i don't want to be here anymore
i am so sick of your *******.

Just like roses grow red and full from what is decomposed,
Our affectionate symbol of arbitrary love--
I am washed up on the shores of completion
The waves lap sweetly at my finished existence

After writing a song
You sit and stare at the wall
Like wow, did I really just do that?
After giving your large hands to a kind wind
That blows some other ship to port

And some are crashed in a storm
And others are stranded far away...

The sweetness that's known brings us full to a clothes,
When ships full of roses arrive unopposed.

Love strikes a heart like lightning, and
Sometimes it isn't right
I felt its power striking
But I'm not paralyzed

I don't cringe at the thought of us together,
The spark inside your eye has been the chaos of the weather
But we can talk about the weather

We can talk about the weather

Consciousness,
Consciousness

Does whatever a consciousness does.

Does it sing
From a guy?

Yes it does, it's consciousness!

Look out--

Here comes consciousnesssss

The crescent moon.
She returns the sunlight pale white at midnight,
And for what? It rhymes,
Rings in my far-flung eye.

& it's funny how it looks an evil smile,
Shining down upon question marks
Circumscribed by my drinking pupils!

Why do you return
Just this little slice of sunlight?
But, ah
I know...
It's because you're the moon
& the moon you must be,
Giving seas their rhythm,
so,
Giving me ideas.

And they slosh around their head
But mirror you, O moon
With little rings of sunlight
What's the use,
What's the use?

What do you think she'd do?

Just cry. Just cry and cry and cry.

And does that bother you?

...yes. Yes, it does

But why did you hesitate when you answered?

Because people feel pain and they cry. It's what happens when they feel they've lost something terrible. But I guess I've just come to question the importance of anything at all over the course of my life. I mean, why does any of this matter? Why do tears matter? Each one of us is just a node of selfish energy. We don't do anything! We just live and die, live and die.

.

Death rides on a heavy black wave
Caught in the curl of a hospital bed
You might think it's all over

But this is just the beginning
Even harsh limitation has a limit
And pain
Only makes a visit.

Death is not so powerful in the face of life
It shrinks and it withers and it cries.

Death is only half the world--
The rest is made of light.

Let life rock the **** out
Then you can

Life is so awkward when you didn't get kicked out,
You just banged your way out of the house

When you wear black eyeliner and carry everything on your back into the woods,
No not at the same time.

When you don't give a **** what people think about you but you struggle with your speech
When sometimes you cut like sooooo deep

When you lash out bash out crash out just about anything for no apparent reason
Other than to say I'm suffering
But they wonder why you said that.

When your reactions seem obvious but look strange,
Life is so awkward.

Life is so awkward since you did all that.

lol why did i say **** all of you

I guess you don't have a plan.

You unerring thought about insecurity!
Walking a straight path,
You take ***-shots at yourself for becoming a lie
A lie you never did take too well.

They're not on your side
And you're learning more about what it takes
When you catch those certain eyes

...

Don't exceed yourself now,
And never change!
It always seemed like something
Was deeply wrong
Expensive distractions, that's all we are
But get out of your head
Because you know it's more than that

How many books have you never read?
How many songs fill your empty head?
When will you see that it's not that bad?
Strange as the sky, and twice as sad

Cut it in half, cut it in half
And half again, and half again
Until we're so small that we touch the ground
And nothing is right in the world of men.

Did you think that skimpering was for scared little mice?
Did you think that shutting down was for children?
Did you think I'd never drop sub-zero and break up the ice,
Dust it off and aside?

supposition:
derivative external beings
characterized by the tension of being selfless
that is,
people who mainly give
they don't ask for much
they don't often take.

THAT IS,
those who sit opposite the narcissists
those who are tight to ego-lessness

What these words might put them through

strung along on the same series
INCLUDED in the same TOTALITY

they never pride themselves on their egoless state

this poem is meant to drive them insane

I was also a baby who died

Included in my last breath was an innocent child
The last breath of everything, yes
We are all narcissists

And the narcissist who is suffering because of a selfish state
Is more humble than you are
When you feel good about being selfless.

Who are you impressing?
It makes sense that you should be average
If your theories really hold up.

Self-defeating...
We have to work backwards
But where does it get us?
We just embarass ourselves

And how did you manage to be embarrassed all by yourself?

Then I hobble to the placid lake of my soul
And cast forth prodding eyes

Are you really silent and void of judgment?

Are these murmurings really just illness?

When we come forth from nothing, illusion is no comfort in the face of howling demons

No solace as we're torn from our bodies and any sense of sanctuary

I want myself to know I'm not wrong,
That it comes on automatic,
That we can't escape the fire but are not a mistake
Just because there's no option but suffering and death.

I want myself to know and forget
Be proud and be humbled
When security fails
I won't be alright but I'll be... I'll be...

Some gathered huts, men knead the land
The slow stir where it all began
Camps became villages
And villages, towns
Dust rising at dawn
From paths in the grass.

Wilderness rose in a peak and twist
And **** ruled with an iron fist
And placed all the stones in a circle 'round
When history had found its hound.

And when did first one give it pause?
To think-- this once was wilderness.

Then cities roared and weapons slung
And stories told and songs were sung
And new dimension came from us
The animals hid in the creeping dark,
The forest we had left behind.

The first gunshot! a Chinese thing.
And when we dreamed of bearing wings,
We found that there was compromise
Between our swirling dreams and skies

And surely then, so many paused:
To think-- this once was wilderness.

A system cut into our home
And taken fast, men cut from Rome
Where new dimensions bulge and bust
Where Susie's Cities lie in Dust

Convenience met a hearty blow
With everything that science knows
When moths could find no better home
On trees with lichen less than smoke

And then it took a sinister tone:
To think, this once was wilderness.

And now, so far from the forest's edge
With half the Earth in ultraviolet
Would we agree on sacrilege,
And can we live as better pilots?

And now, so far from the forest's edge
Can we kiss what we have blessed?
With trails cut just to feel immersed
To think-- this once was wilderness.

Gray pool of heavy blood
Stagnant
Eyes like two watery cups of black promise
Staring at the ceiling
In my bedroom with the lights out

I am afraid they will only ever see the golden light of heaven
Through a crack in the door as it closes
Just out of reach

I am afraid I will wither before my chance takes hold
And my body courses with the magic fire
Of attaining my goals

The only poetry I need is life itself

So

If you approach me with a poem,
It had better be good!

The halogen light threw orange sheets
Of light across her face
She felt like just another animal
Denim felt like a uniform
Drugs felt like a uniform

She wished she was a unicorn. No,
That's stupid. She wasn't a poet.
She wanted to do something meaningful but it never really happened.

I feel the forest growing into me.

Part of my body,
Seen from transcending peaks:

I am the reason for stands of trees,

I am the end of these violet leaves.

Compounded in time, their maceration
And evolution
Are constant, a nutrient stream.

My identity.

Seen from transcending peaks.

Little mites walk the giant canyons
Of my skin.

Cyanobacteria stow away
In the fabric of my backpack
And hitch a ride home
With me.

Decaying leaves and wild yeasts,
Red oak and wet clay,
Protozoans, insect larvae
And gametophytes season my plate.

Eyes that swing from tree to tree--
They are river deltas of another kind
What is flowing into them
Is kind, and it will never leave.

I am looking through the forest
For my identity.

I am looking, I am lost in the leaves

I have found my great reprieve.

I can feel the forest growing into me.

The relief of your faces
The force of your breaths
All that I trample, caress or ingest

The stone you expose
And what you conceal
Are pillars of fate
That make me real!

And you come with a fear of what I am.

I'll be your soil, and I'll be your seed
I'll be the depth of the light that you need

I'll carry forests, and mountains, and seas
I'll grow into you
Since you grew into me.

No.

I will not craft beautiful language about daisies and daffodils
Weaving abstract and concrete realities

I will continue on my existential path

I will not provide a respite from these horrible worries I have

That is what you do
For me

I am a writer in turmoil.

I will keep thrashing in this way until I die.

SOMETIMES I will snap out of my coma
And enjoy writing about the way it's just beautiful
Something else
Something descriptive and nice

I honestly feel bad for writing things like that song
'I can't do this anymore'

But no.

I have turned into myself
Like an incel--
And I hate you for not loving me the way i love myself

I hate you for it.

I hate you.

I hate you for that.

Something broke inside the sky
I think it's me
I don't know why
Don't throw out those twinkling lights
Nevermind, they let me down

I remember every time
You heaped it on
Or squeezed it out
Stop pretending i forgot
We'll do it all again some other time

I don't know how **** got this way
But i don't feel the same anymore
Dash whatever i thought i had
You know every, better door

GONE OFF THE DEEP END
HEAD ABOVE WATER THIS YEAR BOYS
I HOPE I DROWN SOON
I DESERVE IT

The procession of the spectrum
Locks the stars up in heaven
And all the young music angels fly around the world.

I just moan.

She has to be higher than my desires,
He's set them loose
And they give a rough energy when I beseech their understanding.

Some things apply to everyone else,
And some things just apply to me.

The culprit emerges from the clay.
Though we all know it's no one's fault,
Someone has to die
Now we're all demons hiding in a rainbow

And if I pray you're the one who rides
You're abashed you don't know what to do with it
Cause you know somewhere deep inside you crossed the only line.

Or I don't want the gray,
How can these aspects form in infinite space?
There are multiple things going on here as we paddle towards death.

Don't become my desires,
Be my energy.
I worship myself I'm much cooler than anyone around here
But they all treat me like I'm insane
Or like I'm just another person,
But I know I deserve the same quality of praise you give yourself
Because you're always writing lies about things I can't accomplish
And that's not right, it doesn't even make sense!

I can accomplish everything in the entire universe
And I don't even have to try--
All I'd have to do is die.

What sustainability could we have,
Who sailed into dark rocking oceans and died?
We were crazier than Neanderthals
But our thirst for extremes vaulted us into a world built upon them.

Vaulted our schematics,
With new souls inside planted,
Into a strange world with a wilder story each generation

It just seems more and more ridiculous each time

In such a dire situation, how will we find ourselves?
To what end will the great tides pull us?
And what was cool about us, and who was the best?

The summer drops and rots
The fruits wrought by spring.

You just keep writing the same **** poem,
And everyone knows it but you.

Fermenting dream, buzzing flies round a melting peach,
How could there be any other way?

If we ever found the best road,
Don't you think we'd keep going back?

Manifested explication,
A balance shown to be insane,
The buzzing peach maggot house of life
A little boy lunch that sounds the same to me.

Eat yourself and fly.

Sticky summer sugar fingers
Slowly expose him to himself
And when it kills him they will send one atom to the sun.

Ad infinitum, until they build one,
brand new

But i knew someone who was not me,
With a better personality
And cleaner poetry

I haven't been a good friend to them,
So I'm receding where they can't find me
And I can lay to rest our ceaseless worries.

You will live this same life again,
And never more,
All the same.

One character for all of eternity. We are doomed to obscurity.

When interoception speaks of a desiccated future,
Not even flies can call you home.

At least you'll never have to be one.

We'll drape him with laurels, we'll laud him and praise him
For the work that was done had no basis or justice.

She lays on the floor of her little apartment
And asks me to rub her back.

Her mom isn't home right now.

Out of our mouths come happy bubbles of conversation
But they came out of her poisoned past.

We get to messing around,
Now I've got things to brag about
And I'm almost ready when she asks:

If she wasn't already trying to fix things with her man,
Would I date her?

Do I love her? Do I love her like that?

I tell her the truth.

The truth about where I am in life right now.

The truth about what I've learned.

And I tell her
That I'm her friend, and that I care.

And she is sad,
But I am proud of myself.

These eyes have changed from
Boyish circles
To triangles with their backs to each other

The impossible must become the simple,
Infinity must meet economy.

Give yourself to yourself
And set free
All the innocent prisoners in your soul
Because the world has enough of them.

You have spun nothing to glory
Do it again and again til the wheels stop turning.

The expanding universe brings death, but also doctors:
Moments in time where transcendence takes hold
Secured by love
Yet it's bought and sold

A standard that was never gold alone.

I've had to carry weights and let them go.

I've been making love to a world
That holds a knife in my brain.
She says "change"
And gives me the love of death.

I was thinking about Aries
Did you hear, we can get married
To Him? and I hope you do
You and your new husband
We found out about you...

Back then, things were simpler
Now, laying on a different couch
But in the same spot
That we made out
Fourteen years ago

I was thinking, and I was going
To penetrate you in my mind again
It's something that we never did
****, fourteen, we were fourteen
Our bodies they were fourteen

And I am a responsible adult
Thinking alone to myself

But tonight we'll lay in spoons instead
I will not disturb
Dare not disturb your purity
I am your friend
From all the way on Mars
And technically I'm lying to you
Just don't forget me.

I'm dead,
Exploded bits with action potential sticking around
Always dreaming of some stallion that I'll never be
What do I do for humanity?
Nothing.

I'm pulling at straws

Consciousness knows itself well to be a quantum.

She made a home in the hard side of entropy
And made all things across the cleft inimical.

She gave herself character and color,
and the universe flowed into my room
stopped in that familiar shape
and then rushed back out,
to other destinies

Across the universe.

There, on my death bed
Becoming fully severed from this state
I was like a ligand undergoing conformational change
And I dissociated into previously unseen dimensions.

Suddenly, it all made sense
Only in a way I could not see before
Being so confined to my body and its singular destiny
And I transitioned into a new brain

And the signal continued its path.

I don't think you know which direction,
Surrounded on every side
Sides that bleed whenever you take a step
Sides that blame one another for being sides.

Sides that are ultimately delusion,
Sides that come together as a whole.

But I just don't think you know which direction,
Doesn't anyone understand what I mean?
When you exist as an array and a spectrum,
Which direction should you try?

Should I go ahead test God?
But it's arrogant!
Should I let myself be odd?
Do you dare me to?
Should I try to live straight, avoid sin?
Oh you're so far above me now, with a path I was never able to follow.
Or you're an intersection of reflections of my own life which I can remotely access in the present moment.
Should I listen to The Starting Line?

I am what is apparent,
And I am resolute.

I wish you'd step aside and let me shine,
I wish I could do what you do.

And how could you even do that?
You said you did something different.

I just don't know
And I'll never have proof.

When the weeping willow goes silent,
When the hills turn deaf to your worries,
When the sun begins to seem hollow and strange...

When a butterfly admonishes you: do not to love your life too much,
When layers of blue drive the sky crazy,
When summer peaks again...

When your favorite band tells you to stop writing bad poems,
When you've broken the song of singing birds--

When the world begins to turn beneath you,
You'll know that things have changed.

if you're anything like me,
please,
do us all a favor and
calm the **** down

about ****. about everything,
just in general.

you need to calm down.

chill out. idk. something

Some truths hold the mind hostage
Holding their gun of an empty infinity
And asserting themselves to the universe,
Despite its constant ignorance.

Like a smooth black pebble in a garden
Giving undeniable accents,
Playing music that was surely heard.

You twinkle black, like me
And I like that.
I'll drop your black song on my black tongue
Like a black throat lozenge.

i have stained my skin
it's rosy red
collecting slow, the pool of blood
come dip your proboscis in

but save a little,
just for me
so i can ******* morning tea
so i can dance to one more song
so i can say i love you wrong

sarcos, sarcos
come and play

but don't you ever break a bone

This radio static is like a thousand tiny kisses on my ear drums,
A memory is just a tool,
A romance is a dream come true
And I am allowed to eat today.