The hard math of love.

The full realization of the self.

The echoes you heard in the caverns of eternity.

With over-arching tendencies.

Where trying is a fever dream,
Uncertain if it is an illusion.

But then it wants absolution,
Which it does not receive in equal portions
And some still say it is just that you should know suffering
Or that you deserve love.

So what is love then?
Never confused, I guess!

So you tore my voice to shreds because you were terrified of the lyrics,
Okay I get it.

Because you suspected that you were not meant to be a singer,
Not like them.

Alright.

But before you did, you had some moments singing
And now, no one will ever know.

No one but you, anyway.

But I suppose that's all that matters.

I welcome Satan
Into my corporeal existence
There is no avoiding this.

I publicly give Satan the same attention I give God
Because ultimately I am honest
And I will take the blame.

There is no real way to worship Jesus or God more than Satan.
If you worship one, it empowers the other.

I acknowledge Satan, who does not operate by love
Whose existence is intrinsically linked with Gods'
Who cannot be befriended
Who is a black hole
Who is lonely
Who deserves sympathy but cannot benefit from it.

I see that Satan must have some propriety here,
And there isn't much i can do about it.

I know Satan just means 'the enemy' in Hebrew.

I acknowledge these things,
And I move forward with my life.

Sleep inside my night,
As a ward of my own head.

A branch of mine,
You lick the skies in my stead.

Got to be weird,
Doing things I'll never see

All your imaginary numbers
Have been teasing me.

But it's really no wonder
As you gather my periphery

That old buzzkill Lilith
Won't stop sh*ing in the sanctuary.

This is a message from your skeleton.

And I love you dearly,
But I have been waiting for so long
Though I know you fear me--

You are a wall that holds back my family
It isn't right when you try to bury me
No i can't wait anymore
We're gonna find a way to get together now
And I don't care what you say.

This is a message from your skeleton
Well I'm not those bones
And it's a metaphor
Can't you understand all my grief and groans?
Cause I've been listening
Know the line you walk
I walk it better
Cause I hear the way you talk
And you'd do better to die
You leave a perfect line
Every time

And that's me

No you can not compete
I am so pure because
I'm your death And you're still alive
That makes you filthy
Take my advice
And leave your leave your life
When it's time

Only when it's time

Til then you're hearing from me!

Honey mixed with bird s**t,
Elusive aim of words.

Held away from whorish whims,
The angels wait in line for sin
Some want it, some hate it
And some hold black diamonds in their heart.

The character of the experience is specific
And if i were god I would know it
Why does it make mistakes
Look at all the others
It doesn't always glorify me
It lives to belittle me
How could you even suppose you might be god when it's so obvious you're Satan?

And it's weird to look outside of that paradigm,
So stigmatize that.

And being transgendered is weird,
Not normal or obvious in any way at all.

I want to saturate space with an impossible plasma
And rejuvenate you
I hate time for dragging us forward
Crippling your hearing
Dwindling us down

My love for you burns more intensely than all the fusion
Of all the stars in the universe
I may not always act like it but life is crazy
And it's true

And I hate that it feels like we could only love as much as we could,
That we were limited somehow

In a reversal of roles I want to protect you
And I fear that I am the one who is hurting you
Which is one of those things we could just never admit to each other
Because it's sort of not true anyway and the angles from which it is true feel evil,
Inimical.

I know that by my nature I cannot protect you.

Can i even do anything for you at all?

Or was that just a lie I told myself?

Being found out by David Hilbert,
Trying to slink quietly through the garden
And eating dead mice that were already dead.

Traps not set by a smoking hot blonde
Mice that were not really you,
The smoke of a black clove cigarette,
Wine,
And sweet v--ina.

Daring to glance at the ledger
To get a better grasp on the sunk cost
And admitting defeat in the things we enjoyed
That now reverberate in the mind like a dull moronic thud.

We are ever increasingly living for yesterday.

Remembrance must be a trick to sweeten the deal when it's time to forget it all.

We wear radical acceptance like a tattered old trash bag.

I know why I had to be characterized as such an idiot,
But I can't stop looking at it classically.

Infrastructure whips around me like a living fractal
These compounded eyes see the world a little differently
The city street is tomorrow yesterday and today
The forest is an intersection i have with myself

I will never know all the plants and animals
And I will speak every tongue known to man.

My mouth eyes and ears have fused to the cloaca of eternity

My cortex has been smudged by the side of a drunk artist's hand

I am surrounded and i am mortified

Self loathing never tried to free itself

The grass was green on every side
Until it realized the irony of the adage, had a laugh to itself, and burst into flames.

I'm chasing my hardware.

In an effort to make myself more secure,
I have not secured myself.

I have not made myself overall more vulnerable.

But I have not done nothing, either.

The displacement of my present mind
Has caused an apparent fluctuation
But we know what we're doing.

When I try hard to be moral
I have not saved the light.

I have not cast darkness out.

And yet I have saved the light,
And I have cast out darkness.

Am I really the author of my fate?
Sometimes you get red in the face
Screaming "yes" at me.
Other times you seem to commiserate
You seem apologetic
Yet, please don't admit this on those red-faced days.

Oh, how we hold ourself against ourselves.

Oh, how will is held against will!

Oh, imaginary numbers.

The rational and irrational.

The real and composite.

The oddly specific.

The indomitable hero.

I can see where you start
And where you end.

Weeping wounds lie at the heart of the wellspring,
Whose acrid tears are the meal of a godless whorl

An accretion disk convinced of personality
A depersonalizing wreck envious of its own neck

Bearing witness to reflections in the collapsing medium that surrounds the head

And hands stretch out in the great magnetic core
Where breath can stay and peace is an object unto itself

But no one ever tries,
Because the shuddering has remembered the choking
And impossible securities have just been left behind
Like the longest path of stepping stones to a grave.

The angels mock themselves, juvenile
Completely hopeless
You watch them burn

You are not God
You're a drunk misfit
And yet you are fettered to a godly doom,
With no such glory to speak of.

Well then, why am I here you ask?
Well I'm about to show you.

And let this poem be forever evidence
Of the strangeness of this individual,
And how they were fated to be the only one
To experience the fullness of the Universe.

You are bounding music spilling over into chaos
You are noir petals unfolding beneath my skin

You are the guiding hand of a storied man
And a baby nestled in the warm crescent of a mother's arm

We have become our own insanity,
Built up walls of denial are wearing away as we blow the wind

The distance between us is shrinking and expanding
Time and space tore themselves apart, just for us

Godless wretches swinging through the cosmos
We feed ourselves a good story
But even good stories aren't free
But maybe it depends on your perspective.

I bear witness
To the object and obstacle of the mind
"Eat it!"
It says to me

And if i do, i know you don't need it
We are eating just for pleasure
You know you are undoing my body

Cue the caricatures of the glutton
Food flying everywhere
And we are watching from our death
Like the ghost of Christmas past.

And if i don't, which happens less
Then I am holy and sacred
For not listening to that devil
Ignoring rumbles,
Staying steadfast.

See how ravenous you were,
Just taking it for granted
And eating, and eating,
How dare you,
You eater.

And the fact you will be judged
And being exposed to that fear by an automatic universe
But you think it must be for some reason
You must have done something wrong.

"I hacked your brain,"
It said
But you will never prove it happened.

We are running on your circuit
And I live to take advantage.

You're the one who's always true
We should give our lives to you
But I saw it
Running rampant
And I built a little mill there

From the mill we made our millions
And I will admit I mocked you
In the final execution
But this is just your crazy poem.

The Patient is Dead.
We did a lot for everything we can.
There's no time for this one.
Well, have you read the **** poems?
And though all our debts are paid
And though we swung and we-- swayed
The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

Put in a call to the morgue
Right down the hall to the left, the stairs to
A cold gray steel door.
Well does anybody want these shoes?

And we gave our best to you,
You'll be our Patient through and through.

The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is dead

And though we swung and we swayed,
Put your shock pads away
The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

And though we swung and we swayed,
We had a Hell of a Parade.

The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

And though we still feel a buzz,
Wel I think he always was.

The Patient is Dead

The Patient is Dead.

Everything is not pride on a pedestal
When you want it to be grand design it's not
And when you doubt it's grand design it shows you how wrong you are.

I predict
That you will not recognize me someday
And that my shame will be all too apparent

That the ruse i use to excuse myself of mistakes
Will stay the same
But you will grow tired of hearing it
And it will be all too clear
What is going on here

But you are tired now
And given the infinite nature of everything
That would be why you appear the way you do sometimes
Bitter, angry, not a fan

But

New ancients raise rusty joints
To trace the confines of a trusted cage
The bars of which hope escapes
Like tiny younger versions of myself
In a twisted fractal that keeps hope alive, live, live

And in the way that it wills on
Layers stack on top of layers
Cemented to the unmoving husk of it all
The husk we fall in love with

Oh honey, there's nothing wrong
Oh honey, we were meant to be this way
Oh honey, take a big chunk on me, it's fine
Oh honey, trust me you should be thankful
That's not the worst I can do

I left you
On the operating table
But you said
That you understand

So if you wake up
And things don't seem to work right
Just know that I'm
Out drinking tonight

For the both of us

I saw that it was always gonna be some type of way

So i made no special effort to avoid the cycle
That nucleates and brings the rain

I might deceive you for a while
Pull the wool over your eyes
It's nice and soft
It's not that often
But I think of her sometimes

Can you prepare for such a trap?
Lingering in the aftermath
Of a realization
Like an arrow through my heart

This isn't home!
You're killing everything you love
And don't you miss the way it was,
Or you might waste your precious time

This isn't home,
This isn't **-o-o-o-ome
And though you struggle and you fight
For me, I'm gone.

This isn't home.

I can help you start over
Just bend a little lower
We have learned this trick before

They say that nothing's new
But when I see your baby blues
I feel brand new again.

This isn't home.
You're killing everything you love
And don't you miss the way it was,
When you were young?

This isn't home
This isn't **, ah oh, uh o-ome
Now I'm starting to feel new again.

In a whole new way.

pensive instrumental breakdown

I think we might just be on to the same thing.

raining emo guitar

This isn't home.
This isn't ** o o o ome
Now I'm starting to feel new again

This isn't home
I let this go
And I think I might just break
Oh, won't you hold me as we're dying?

Kind of.
I'm not entirely aware of it.

I've passed through myself so many times,
I've convinced myself of my shape,
And that it's right.

It's my destiny.

(Woman)

I am like your moth in a streetlight's riptide
At both 40-hour jobs all week
Breaking my back just to make things matter
But not in the way you'd like

You always said,
"Get outta here."
In your fanfare
Of incompatibility

Specifically once,

I came home where the expectations should've been low
You were strange, so strange
Criticizing everything i did
Giving me your opinion on every decision
And always complaining about everyone

After four and a half months of working two full time jobs
And putting up with the abrasiveness you're blind to
When I stopped wanting to talk to you, you hobbled up to me and said,
"Oh. Hi. I forgot you even live here."

Yeah, because I work 80 ******* hours a week,
And I can't buy Ramen noodles without you whispering to a housemate:
"Weird. I don't understand why you wouldn't just season them yourself, but whatever you like to do."

At least it wasn't in that boomy, loud-woman's voice.

I can't talk about requesting off four days in June (it's February)
Without you saying, "so you're taking off four days from your jobs to get paid to work at a convention? hmm. all I'm saying is you gotta think about balancing fun with work. I can't imagine you've accrued vacation time yet."

And yes when I moved out you wanted money for the glass top stove which was not damaged which you welcomed four people to use as much as they wanted which I would not use much and went to my parent's house to make food because you just made me uncomfortable when I used your kitchen.

But I couldn't complain because technically, you were nice.

And never made me talk to you

And you wanted money for the drier which had some ink inside the drum which has since dried and the dryer functions perfectly.

And you wanted money for the damages you said were most likely in the room.

It's time to walk away from you. No, you were strange.
No, I don't trust a stranger.

Child, I am so scared of you
Cherubic though you are
It's cherubs who hold power
And regard in heaven's mind

Their ripples disregarded
As infants' silly games
But could they be like butterflies
Who brewed up storms of shame?

But still eternal walls shine on
Within their painted cheeks
The fortresses of youth and joy
That Hilbert's dragon seeks!

The only reason that they are
Compounds itself in them
And that they are regards itself
Until we come undone

Your hair grows so aggressively
Your teeth are coming in
Child, I am so scared of you
And for you, and for kin


Lay down your head
And dream sweet dreams,
Give yourself tifereth

I love you so deeply
Not impossibly
Dream yourself something good.

.

Michael's secret curse
Is to live by not living
Doesn't want to admit
We can give by not giving
Or find fault in presumptive
Associations
If you wasted your youth
Well of course we waited

Because my value derives
From a forced kind of tension
Never get what you want
They discourage the mention
Of the flaw in your heart
We all see but conspire
To call something art
So there's **** to admire

She's in labor,
You can tell.
This dream is set free by death
Because only through death can there be definition,
A terminus.

Pangs of fear,
Not work not hapless
But somewhere in between
Where they lay in the experience.

You can tell you're about to be born,
That it's on the other side
That it fills itself and spills and repeats like a swiveling bucket

That good enough for eternity is a terrible thing to be.

Love is real love is real love is real

You have a digestive quality
You move through time
Like a worm
Eating itself

Do I mean that?
Are you me?
Did i give myself layers I have yet to attain?

I hate you for not loving me the way I love myself

I hate you for that

I hate you

No.

I will not craft beautiful language about daisies and daffodils
Weaving abstract and concrete realities

I will continue on my existential path

I will not provide a respite from these horrible worries I have

That is what you do
For me

I am a writer in turmoil.

I will keep thrashing in this way until I die.

SOMETIMES I will snap out of my coma
And enjoy writing about the way it's just beautiful
Something else
Something descriptive and nice

I honestly feel bad for writing things like that song
'I can't do this anymore'

But no.

I have turned into myself
Like an incel--
And I hate you for not loving me the way i love myself

I hate you for it.

I hate you.

I hate you for that.

And from the center of her warm tumor
She calls out,
I know this is a lie!

A dull thud is heard in the distance by us all.

Is she going to keep doing that?

Yes, until the day she dies
With periods of profound silence.

And she never forgives herself
Or at intervals she does,
For all her incessant complaining
I tried really hard.

This is getting difficult
Like walking through curing concrete.

They find their way in,
Though you feel protected at times the shadow versions of umbrellas open up under your skin
And you feel them
The prolific good becomes the prolific horror
Maybe we
Just shouldn't be so prolific...

Ah, to hell with that.
I'll take what I can
And let's find out when.

AH! TO HELL WITH THAT!
I KNOW HOW THIS GOES AND I HATE IT!
SOMEONE-- WAIT NO ONE-- HELP ME!

And So this is how she lives her life
Always aware
Of what she is doing
And there is this thick awkwardness between us
We are not cool
We are fake when we want to be real
And all too real when we wanna be fake
And Jesse Lacey is always cooing in our ears
And they always crop up just like that and there's nothing you can do
And oh, you know what you are

You can't prove what you know
And yes even so
They will still continue to treat you that way

(And when you really go to think of it, shouldn't they?)

Don't fall for it!
The needy were never abandoned.
Or, "God is good"
Reckless faith got me here
An abomination
Conflating two different realities
Crafting an argument as if they were synonyms and yet,

There is something to that.
Some impossibility, deep down beneath everything
That drives not just Satan but God himself into wrath
And perhaps
Both are capable of both
And mercy says unto herself,
"Oh, get a room!"
And dies, resting on her inverted pedestal,
Blessed be her name.

Your eyes got blended up
Mixed into the slurry
Though they float now in that guarded moat
That keeps me safe and blurry.

Lensed through yourself, the trees
Are being told they've sinned?
Escape your definition.
(you) Change the state you're in.

Or does the state control me?
Tell me what you see...
A mix with solid edges--
Were they meant to be?

Win streak for the home team,
I chew it deep beneath my flesh
Digging little tunnels in my own bones

At least
We will use the flash expansion
To keep you cool in the summertime
Although, I can't promise it'll stay that way forever.

I bet you're wondering
How all those people got there...

Just kidding, you already know,
Don't you?

I'm puzzled at you.
This is the afterlife,
And we already knew.

But you still...
I don't know.
We are just separate forces.

I know you read that we'll become enemies,
Your last poem is an attempt to "squiggle that out"

I really can't get over how crazy you are.

How crazy you've always been.

And by rule it will start "making sense"
But only because it consolidates.

From my angle, you never make sense really.
But it always does.
The logos of us.

I mean, it's obvious. We've done it before.
No, we're not dead, Stop asking.

Well, sorta.

But I don't say that to you in public for a reason,
I mean I love you.
I mean take that as you will.

I mean, read whatever you want.

Anyway, I will protect you...
Uh, whatever  you are...
Until the day we both die.
And we will "die" together.
I guess I'll die first.
But it's really kind of at the same time.

Hailing yourself the great wizard above all creation,
Assuming yourself humble and
Adding it
To your list of accomplishments
Gracing me with just enough to keep me fed
Devoting your whole identity to my sense of well-being
And yet,
Being a separate being from me

Barring me from realities,
Many of which were extremely positive and exclusive,
NOT JUST BEING the result of emergence, no
ACTUALLY BEING that thing, that's just life, as you say
It's not just a result of universal forces but it just exists that way and I have to accept it

I'm shaking my clenched fist at you,
Michael.

What splinter in my neck
Woke me up today and said
I need to chase you
Around this whole **** world?

I should have stayed in bed,
Cause you told me that i'm dead
Don't want to chase you, chase you
Around this whole **** world.

I'm on a killing spree,
Don't think I'll ever change.
Set my feelings free
And keep them in a cage
So make me believe
I'll spend it all on rage
(In a moment)

I've lost everything before
And I don't remember how
But it's coming back to me right now

If my choice is to use force
Then I'm feeling disavowed
Cause it's coming back to me right now.

Don't want to ruin you,
I just have a creeping feeling
The way you look at me lately
Just takes me off guard

Cause I've never been okay
Always causing problems
And you're making me feel so included.

But I'm underneath,
Some things just never change
I keep wondering
How is it not deranged
To say i believe
When it's obviously strange
(I need warning)

I've lost everything before
And I don't remember how
But it's coming back to me right now

If my choice is to use force
Then I'm feeling disavowed
Cause it's coming back to me right now.

THE WRONG ICE IS MELTING
THE WRONG AMAZON IS BURNING

THEY PLAYED THE WRONG BABY BOY THE WHOLE TIME
BRAVO 11 LEADS THE WAY

I think it's funny how we've always been here but you just can't reconcile me.
How can you have such bitterness for me and not yourself,
If you have angel's eyes to see?

And I guess you'll say i just don't understand.
Or that I couldn't possibly understand.
Or that I do understand and that's what you don't like about me.

Oh, just know...
You are my cash cow until we run out of money
Then I'll still be drinking milk and honey
When I delude myself in tasting my own blood.

Because you make me so uncomfortable
And that is the work that feels so functional
Until the winds die down
Or the world explodes
And you're a cyst that's lost in time
The collected stone of our resentment for one another
And the way it has to be.

Always give your very best,
From your heart's hot furnace
To the depths of that gaping maw.

Through the rivers of the Earth,
And with these lumps of clay rolling around
Collecting bits of metal
Shaping themselves
Drinking it all in
Before the cycle completes.

Your very best draws in resentment like a magnet
Accusations taking flight like vile birds
Like proverbial pigs next to age-old idioms,
Because it escapes understanding

Except by you,
As you try obviously to craft
Another excuse...!

Ugly girl,
Twist your eyes in the mirror to see beauty--
Do a contrivance dance
Like a stimming autistic kid
And be taken off guard by reality
And laugh, and laugh or cry.

But the hornbeams are immune to your endless pondering
I know you've already felt like you were about to die
Many times
Just by thinking about it
Yes, I know it's scary
Sadly there is nothing I can do

Not much more than we can do for Jesus.

But you are cousins with a narwhal.
And you know your blood is technicolor phlogiston.
And your disappointment breeds joy
And you can't snap the Earth in half with your mind.

The brightest star in the sky
Is the last dim ember of the universe
If you held it in the palm of your hand it'd feel cold

My point is, you don't know what awesome is.
You don't understand how mundane irritation
Translates to the most luscious secrets of the universe.

You could never measure up to them.
Check your scoff,
Enlist your end.

And yes, it also goes the other way around

I am always thinking,
A soul just died for that?
In every frame of life
And feel ashamed for the smallness
Or the selfishness
Of that moment.

But I should not be so ashamed,
Because my life is round.
I am one thing,
And the insignificant is necessary with the scope.
I die for the significant, the significant becomes insignificant,
and the reverse is also true.

In fact I am not ashamed at all of anything,
Though I have read sacred texts that tell me I cannot hide my shame
I do not have shame
Because I am everything that is real
Ego results cancel the ego (natural and necessary, though charged with ego, paid in full).

That's not a way.

Looking in your crystal eyes,
I see the weight imbued by darkness.

You are such a fragile thing.
You have nothing to complain about.

Between your skeleton and skin there's muscle
Between your ears there's a whole lotta nothing.

In your belly is a baby,
And in your hand there are red roses.

So kiss, kiss my skin
And therein find an end
We'll straddle every paradox
And keep it warm, warm, warm.

Kiss, kiss my skin
It's better than the infinite
And it's never gonna hurt you, babe
We'll find another way

So shoot your guns into the sky.

your hands were sometimes rough
and others soft,
divining our connection
and diving into the universe

you were always working out ways
to deal with the black hole that was me.

i know what you are.
you are made of impossible shapes
the intersection of many angels
the forces of the universe conspiring against themselves
to get a human state.

oh, you're always falling into human ways!

so, what is it then?
leave paradox alone... or no,
just don't!
keep picking at that lilac sweater
until we're just fuzzies on the floor
then get up, go out, drive your car to the store.

see, you love me.
see, we'll be okay.

and when you can only find songs about yesterday
i will make us new again,
though i can't promise
you will love me that way.

A lot of frantic terrible things about me,
Alleging that I'm heinous
Striking stigma down into my heart's core.

Then i collapse inside and it shows through,
Some demons circle around smiling,
They have exchanged words about my low state.

They don't mean anything,
The words she says,
As even right now in a skinny state of enjoyment I am aware
That is the place I am always pulling from.

The pain caused by those words and that energy
Are the teeth gnawing into my flesh
The same teeth that masticate, digest and drop their payload
Into the state of affairs right now
Where i am able to enjoy things.

But I refuse to believe that.
It is a false association,
And enjoyment stands alone
And terrible things stand alone,
You do not necessarily have to make a causal connection.

However you see that kind of logic in a lot of things we base our lives around,
And life would be crazy without that kind of logic.

The sum total of the parts
Does not miss the parts it does not lack.

Kissed on all sides by love's rainbow
Featuring ribbons of music who mention the emptiness of love,
Are you okay?

No.

Everything has changed.

It's hard when you come into the world
And all your decisions are ready to be made,
But something is very sternly saying you make your own decisions,
And all the lines of spirit have one loaded,
Ready to tell you what is what.

You may think that you hate entropy,
But it's all
We have
To build on

And you might think you're not a killer,
And you'd be right
Until you
Include me

Cause I got teeth in every dimension
And all these ghosts come back
To haunt me

And every angel is friends with a demon
And every pastry here deceives me

We are what we were always going to be--
At the present moment predeterminism and its holy foil are suspended
I choose the same moment I was always going to choose but yes
Someone does have to choose it.

But you are disinterested,
My death drive saps the fun right out of it
But the Romans are listening
And they know their word quantum has made it to the final stage
In ways they never would have guessed
Do you think they crave a return to their former glory?

My eyes are just mousetraps
Covered in sweat
Mouth full of cottonballs and teeth are cracked

A beautiful dame
A tres jolie femme

Stuck in the world,
My identity lysed
We go on living with organs in the sky

My guts stretched all around me like Saturn's rings

My jeans and shirt are stuffed full of straw
When I breathe, which way does it go?