I have disappointed the blackbirds
With my head like a stone as I walked through their field
A path cut from tall grass

They land on their stalks and chitter
Showing red wings to one another
But God's eye is glazed and apathetic
Having collected aspects and realized

I have been exactly here before
I am not making choices

But the blackbirds don't know they're disappointed
Or the giant shagbark tree in the middle of the field

Oh, it makes me feel so guilty, bing myself next to that tree
Standing there in all its wasted majesty
And Shel Silverstein
And me, I'm a waste
Of time.

The window has revealed an impersonal truth,
Two of my cells are in love but not with me
Two cells that are only technically mine,
To my crazy possessive mind

Embedded in the matrix
Coincident with cherry blossoms taken on a light breeze,
Do they really know
A different reality?

You said you lived a perfect life without sin,
And you say my actions were plain to see
Filthy, murderous of spirit, woven by demons.

You didn't claim it yourself
It was your followers who said it
No one here will say I'm pure of spirit

But you are. You are pure spirit,
And I am your solenoid,
Channeling you
And we necessitate an enemy

(Unless we can pick a different paradigm)

And we can be our own enemy.
But Jesus walks with us.

My life was, is, and will always be perfect.
Perfect and present,
Until there's no future.

A quantum infinity.

This is the end of me.

A toothed worm burrows in our flesh
Because forever never tasted so good

I wish it was different, I really do
But I'm just never quite as good as you

The sacrifice is inside out
To maximize this roundabout
You have to be the anti-christ
To make this circle rounder

We've tried to fake to push it out
But trying didn't make it
So what you get is what you get
Now everybody's naked

Now everybody's naked
Not everyone is naked

You are
Not the numbers
You're su-
percomposite

And when the numbers aren't mine,
I never blame it on you.

We will run the numbers
Hands locked in a promise
We're supercomposite
I never blame it on you

So please
When you look at me
Oh, nevermind
Well, you can see

So please
When I let you down
We ran the numbers
And we didn't have it

But we've escaped the surface
Don't ask, it was worth it
We changed our perspective
And now my neck is a little sore

But I've got my jugular
Filled with molten iron
I'm forging a weapon
Sharp enough to slit their throats

So please
When we run the numbers
They don't have throats
It's a separation

So please
Panpsychist lover
It's even stevens
Even for non-vegans

It's not ridiculous that you will your own body and actions
And esteem yourself with the ability to change it
Or accept blame when others throw it your way

But it's somehow ridiculous that you should think you're drawing the clouds overhead with strange tethers
And pulling the planets across the sky with DeCartes' corpuscles.

And yet, I'm the one who is insane.

Without context,
I guess the rain is self-defined.
It falls straight through my mind
Without an issue or a flaw.

An average Monday
A white blanket on the sky
And a feeling that I generate
Each physical law

I never asked for this
Your heavy wet bricks
Keeping me inside
I'm safe and bored
My heavy brow

I never asked for this
The freedom and bliss
I will divine a way to meet you
On a heavenly cloud

I will divine a way to meet you
On a heavenly cloud

Been here before
Faceless angel

You don't look any better
Or any worse
Than anyone else

But you have a face

You have no face.

It's the same thing every time.

That is why they say
If you ever saw the face of God
Once and for all in its entirety
You would die.

*But you are running across your empty face
And impossibly, you have not lived your full experience.
So until you die,
And you cannot **** yourself before then,
You will not have seen the whole face of God.

Reciprocity is a hell of a demon
Gets you used to having cake

Don't you see your careful work
Is a just a joke to make?

Because if you are a circuit,
And you try to lay down and submit
Knowing it's the rulebook you play by
Being the one true experience,

Just know that derivatives rise from the maelstrom
Who are whisked from infinity
And they have no rules to play by

They beat their chests and say dominance begets dominance,
They tell them not to listen to types like you
Who would have them believe you had some kind of crazy rule to live by
You who thought being submissive would give you some kind of future power
You could be right but you'd still encounter these.

Because they don't care if they've arisen from that part of your circuit,
Or care about how you think it was afforded
Because in the end it's there and it's the wave they are riding

In fact you can't claim it as yours
And you can't say that your submission has anything to do with it

It's just your pride trying to connect a high with a low

And so you'll always find these demons

Telling you that

And you're the same person

Every time

I guess it turns out I don't
Love myself that much.

I feel isolated and compromised
I don't see life the way you seem to
I just want to leave myself behind
I don't have any friends, I'm in disguise

You've been things that I'll never be
And I've been turned green, I'm a trampoline
So just go ahead and smother me
In awareness of all the in-betweens

No you

Will get here too late

Don't even come

This is my fate

No you

Are gonna make me feel

A morphine drip

At the pearly gates.

Funny how i have the strength to doubt you
Michael doesn't give a **** about you
From this angle
The angels
Are leaning quite against you

Find a lever
And sever
The parts that aren't perfect
But tell me how do you deserve it?

I had to peel
Had to find
Something deep beneath the surface
Had to work
Had to feel
Just how fatalist my birth is
You're a demon and you know it
Don't try to claim you're God
You're about to find out
How ****** up the universe is.

It was a simple transaction
Bleed to get back in
Love when we have a love interaction

First it's the feeling
Then comes the color
Driven by math
And seen by no other

I am twisting through myself

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

It was a love interaction
Got to let me believe
I am the smartest thing
Since Adam and Eve

We're tripping bigtime
This ain't the good life
And when I'm looking at you
I'm green, and out of my mind

I am twisting through myself

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

Just patch me in
Just patch me in
Just patch me in
Just patch me

Just patch me in
It's your big win
Just patch me in
Just patch me

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

Nobody really knows how this got here
Or what it means

You are the one observing,
Are you the one in control?

You better believe it's gonna rain tomorrow.

You are running the water cycle.

I'm sorry if thats too much for you to handle.

I promise we'll die, how about that?
But I'm scared to die.

I want to be a good person,
But what if that's selfish?
What if wanting to be a good person
Makes me a bad person?

I think it's gonna rain tomorrow.

I think
I think it's gonna rain.

Hanging loose, half-possessed
Hair hanging down across the shoulder of your mind.

Her feet scuffing up the sun-dried dirt
Her converse, making little clouds of dust

"I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow"
And you felt it,
Her body as a phantom limb of yours
But you don't remember hers
She's a tracer
Never anything more
And every time
But wait what does that make you

...

The sun blasts its yellow promise through the evening trees
Green and gold
The sleeves of her hoodie
How can I feel her gripping them?
It's too warm for it now
But soon it will be colder.

The hoodie is black,
Or purple

It's definitely supposed to rain tomorrow.

The hard math of love.

The full realization of the self.

The echoes you heard in the caverns of eternity.

With over-arching tendencies.

Where trying is a fever dream,
Uncertain if it is an illusion.

But then it wants absolution,
Which it does not receive in equal portions
And some still say it is just that you should know suffering
Or that you deserve love.

So what is love then?
Never confused, I guess!

So you tore my voice to shreds because you were terrified of the lyrics,
Okay I get it.

Because you suspected that you were not meant to be a singer,
Not like them.

Alright.

But before you did, you had some moments singing
And now, no one will ever know.

No one but you, anyway.

But I suppose that's all that matters.

I welcome Satan
Into my corporeal existence
There is no avoiding this.

I publicly give Satan the same attention I give God
Because ultimately I am honest
And I will take the blame.

There is no real way to worship Jesus or God more than Satan.
If you worship one, it empowers the other.

I acknowledge Satan, who does not operate by love
Whose existence is intrinsically linked with Gods'
Who cannot be befriended
Who is a black hole
Who is lonely
Who deserves sympathy but cannot benefit from it.

I see that Satan must have some propriety here,
And there isn't much i can do about it.

I know Satan just means 'the enemy' in Hebrew.

I acknowledge these things,
And I move forward with my life.

Sleep inside my night,
As a ward of my own head.

A branch of mine,
You lick the skies in my stead.

Got to be weird,
Doing things I'll never see

All your imaginary numbers
Have been teasing me.

But it's really no wonder
As you gather my periphery

That old buzzkill Lilith
Won't stop sh*ing in the sanctuary.

This is a message from your skeleton.

And I love you dearly,
But I have been waiting for so long
Though I know you fear me--

You are a wall that holds back my family
It isn't right when you try to bury me
No i can't wait anymore
We're gonna find a way to get together now
And I don't care what you say.

This is a message from your skeleton
Well I'm not those bones
And it's a metaphor
Can't you understand all my grief and groans?
Cause I've been listening
Know the line you walk
I walk it better
Cause I hear the way you talk
And you'd do better to die
You leave a perfect line
Every time

And that's me

No you can not compete
I am so pure because
I'm your death And you're still alive
That makes you filthy
Take my advice
And leave your leave your life
When it's time

Only when it's time

Til then you're hearing from me!

Honey mixed with bird s**t,
Elusive aim of words.

Held away from whorish whims,
The angels wait in line for sin
Some want it, some hate it
And some hold black diamonds in their heart.

The character of the experience is specific
And if i were god I would know it
Why does it make mistakes
Look at all the others
It doesn't always glorify me
It lives to belittle me
How could you even suppose you might be god when it's so obvious you're Satan?

And it's weird to look outside of that paradigm,
So stigmatize that.

And being transgendered is weird,
Not normal or obvious in any way at all.

I want to saturate space with an impossible plasma
And rejuvenate you
I hate time for dragging us forward
Crippling your hearing
Dwindling us down

My love for you burns more intensely than all the fusion
Of all the stars in the universe
I may not always act like it but life is crazy
And it's true

And I hate that it feels like we could only love as much as we could,
That we were limited somehow

In a reversal of roles I want to protect you
And I fear that I am the one who is hurting you
Which is one of those things we could just never admit to each other
Because it's sort of not true anyway and the angles from which it is true feel evil,
Inimical.

I know that by my nature I cannot protect you.

Can i even do anything for you at all?

Or was that just a lie I told myself?

Being found out by David Hilbert,
Trying to slink quietly through the garden
And eating dead mice that were already dead.

Traps not set by a smoking hot blonde
Mice that were not really you,
The smoke of a black clove cigarette,
Wine,
And sweet v--ina.

Daring to glance at the ledger
To get a better grasp on the sunk cost
And admitting defeat in the things we enjoyed
That now reverberate in the mind like a dull moronic thud.

We are ever increasingly living for yesterday.

Remembrance must be a trick to sweeten the deal when it's time to forget it all.

We wear radical acceptance like a tattered old trash bag.

I know why I had to be characterized as such an idiot,
But I can't stop looking at it classically.

Infrastructure whips around me like a living fractal
These compounded eyes see the world a little differently
The city street is tomorrow yesterday and today
The forest is an intersection i have with myself

I will never know all the plants and animals
And I will speak every tongue known to man.

My mouth eyes and ears have fused to the cloaca of eternity

My cortex has been smudged by the side of a drunk artist's hand

I am surrounded and i am mortified

Self loathing never tried to free itself

The grass was green on every side
Until it realized the irony of the adage, had a laugh to itself, and burst into flames.

I'm chasing my hardware.

In an effort to make myself more secure,
I have not secured myself.

I have not made myself overall more vulnerable.

But I have not done nothing, either.

The displacement of my present mind
Has caused an apparent fluctuation
But we know what we're doing.

When I try hard to be moral
I have not saved the light.

I have not cast darkness out.

And yet I have saved the light,
And I have cast out darkness.

Am I really the author of my fate?
Sometimes you get red in the face
Screaming "yes" at me.
Other times you seem to commiserate
You seem apologetic
Yet, please don't admit this on those red-faced days.

Oh, how we hold ourself against ourselves.

Oh, how will is held against will!

Oh, imaginary numbers.

The rational and irrational.

The real and composite.

The oddly specific.

The indomitable hero.

I can see where you start
And where you end.

Weeping wounds lie at the heart of the wellspring,
Whose acrid tears are the meal of a godless whorl

An accretion disk convinced of personality
A depersonalizing wreck envious of its own neck

Bearing witness to reflections in the collapsing medium that surrounds the head

And hands stretch out in the great magnetic core
Where breath can stay and peace is an object unto itself

But no one ever tries,
Because the shuddering has remembered the choking
And impossible securities have just been left behind
Like the longest path of stepping stones to a grave.

The angels mock themselves, juvenile
Completely hopeless
You watch them burn

You are not God
You're a drunk misfit
And yet you are fettered to a godly doom,
With no such glory to speak of.

Well then, why am I here you ask?
Well I'm about to show you.

And let this poem be forever evidence
Of the strangeness of this individual,
And how they were fated to be the only one
To experience the fullness of the Universe.

You are bounding music spilling over into chaos
You are noir petals unfolding beneath my skin

You are the guiding hand of a storied man
And a baby nestled in the warm crescent of a mother's arm

We have become our own insanity,
Built up walls of denial are wearing away as we blow the wind

The distance between us is shrinking and expanding
Time and space tore themselves apart, just for us

Godless wretches swinging through the cosmos
We feed ourselves a good story
But even good stories aren't free
But maybe it depends on your perspective.

I bear witness
To the object and obstacle of the mind
"Eat it!"
It says to me

And if i do, i know you don't need it
We are eating just for pleasure
You know you are undoing my body

Cue the caricatures of the glutton
Food flying everywhere
And we are watching from our death
Like the ghost of Christmas past.

And if i don't, which happens less
Then I am holy and sacred
For not listening to that devil
Ignoring rumbles,
Staying steadfast.

See how ravenous you were,
Just taking it for granted
And eating, and eating,
How dare you,
You eater.

And the fact you will be judged
And being exposed to that fear by an automatic universe
But you think it must be for some reason
You must have done something wrong.

"I hacked your brain,"
It said
But you will never prove it happened.

We are running on your circuit
And I live to take advantage.

You're the one who's always true
We should give our lives to you
But I saw it
Running rampant
And I built a little mill there

From the mill we made our millions
And I will admit I mocked you
In the final execution
But this is just your crazy poem.

The Patient is Dead.
We did a lot for everything we can.
There's no time for this one.
Well, have you read the **** poems?
And though all our debts are paid
And though we swung and we-- swayed
The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

Put in a call to the morgue
Right down the hall to the left, the stairs to
A cold gray steel door.
Well does anybody want these shoes?

And we gave our best to you,
You'll be our Patient through and through.

The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is dead

And though we swung and we swayed,
Put your shock pads away
The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

And though we swung and we swayed,
We had a Hell of a Parade.

The Patient is Dead.

The Patient is Dead.

And though we still feel a buzz,
Wel I think he always was.

The Patient is Dead

The Patient is Dead.

Everything is not pride on a pedestal
When you want it to be grand design it's not
And when you doubt it's grand design it shows you how wrong you are.

I predict
That you will not recognize me someday
And that my shame will be all too apparent

That the ruse i use to excuse myself of mistakes
Will stay the same
But you will grow tired of hearing it
And it will be all too clear
What is going on here

But you are tired now
And given the infinite nature of everything
That would be why you appear the way you do sometimes
Bitter, angry, not a fan

But

New ancients raise rusty joints
To trace the confines of a trusted cage
The bars of which hope escapes
Like tiny younger versions of myself
In a twisted fractal that keeps hope alive, live, live

And in the way that it wills on
Layers stack on top of layers
Cemented to the unmoving husk of it all
The husk we fall in love with

Oh honey, there's nothing wrong
Oh honey, we were meant to be this way
Oh honey, take a big chunk on me, it's fine
Oh honey, trust me you should be thankful
That's not the worst I can do

I left you
On the operating table
But you said
That you understand

So if you wake up
And things don't seem to work right
Just know that I'm
Out drinking tonight

For the both of us

I saw that it was always gonna be some type of way

So i made no special effort to avoid the cycle
That nucleates and brings the rain

I might deceive you for a while
Pull the wool over your eyes
It's nice and soft
It's not that often
But I think of her sometimes

Can you prepare for such a trap?
Lingering in the aftermath
Of a realization
Like an arrow through my heart

This isn't home!
You're killing everything you love
And don't you miss the way it was,
Or you might waste your precious time

This isn't home,
This isn't **-o-o-o-ome
And though you struggle and you fight
For me, I'm gone.

This isn't home.

I can help you start over
Just bend a little lower
We have learned this trick before

They say that nothing's new
But when I see your baby blues
I feel brand new again.

This isn't home.
You're killing everything you love
And don't you miss the way it was,
When you were young?

This isn't home
This isn't **, ah oh, uh o-ome
Now I'm starting to feel new again.

In a whole new way.

pensive instrumental breakdown

I think we might just be on to the same thing.

raining emo guitar

This isn't home.
This isn't ** o o o ome
Now I'm starting to feel new again

This isn't home
I let this go
And I think I might just break
Oh, won't you hold me as we're dying?

Kind of.
I'm not entirely aware of it.

I've passed through myself so many times,
I've convinced myself of my shape,
And that it's right.

It's my destiny.

(Woman)

I am like your moth in a streetlight's riptide
At both 40-hour jobs all week
Breaking my back just to make things matter
But not in the way you'd like

You always said,
"Get outta here."
In your fanfare
Of incompatibility

Specifically once,

I came home where the expectations should've been low
You were strange, so strange
Criticizing everything i did
Giving me your opinion on every decision
And always complaining about everyone

After four and a half months of working two full time jobs
And putting up with the abrasiveness you're blind to
When I stopped wanting to talk to you, you hobbled up to me and said,
"Oh. Hi. I forgot you even live here."

Yeah, because I work 80 ******* hours a week,
And I can't buy Ramen noodles without you whispering to a housemate:
"Weird. I don't understand why you wouldn't just season them yourself, but whatever you like to do."

At least it wasn't in that boomy, loud-woman's voice.

I can't talk about requesting off four days in June (it's February)
Without you saying, "so you're taking off four days from your jobs to get paid to work at a convention? hmm. all I'm saying is you gotta think about balancing fun with work. I can't imagine you've accrued vacation time yet."

And yes when I moved out you wanted money for the glass top stove which was not damaged which you welcomed four people to use as much as they wanted which I would not use much and went to my parent's house to make food because you just made me uncomfortable when I used your kitchen.

But I couldn't complain because technically, you were nice.

And never made me talk to you

And you wanted money for the drier which had some ink inside the drum which has since dried and the dryer functions perfectly.

And you wanted money for the damages you said were most likely in the room.

It's time to walk away from you. No, you were strange.
No, I don't trust a stranger.

Child, I am so scared of you
Cherubic though you are
It's cherubs who hold power
And regard in heaven's mind

Their ripples disregarded
As infants' silly games
But could they be like butterflies
Who brewed up storms of shame?

But still eternal walls shine on
Within their painted cheeks
The fortresses of youth and joy
That Hilbert's dragon seeks!

The only reason that they are
Compounds itself in them
And that they are regards itself
Until we come undone

Your hair grows so aggressively
Your teeth are coming in
Child, I am so scared of you
And for you, and for kin


Lay down your head
And dream sweet dreams,
Give yourself tifereth

I love you so deeply
Not impossibly
Dream yourself something good.

.

Michael's secret curse
Is to live by not living
Doesn't want to admit
We can give by not giving
Or find fault in presumptive
Associations
If you wasted your youth
Well of course we waited

Because my value derives
From a forced kind of tension
Never get what you want
They discourage the mention
Of the flaw in your heart
We all see but conspire
To call something art
So there's **** to admire

She's in labor,
You can tell.
This dream is set free by death
Because only through death can there be definition,
A terminus.

Pangs of fear,
Not work not hapless
But somewhere in between
Where they lay in the experience.

You can tell you're about to be born,
That it's on the other side
That it fills itself and spills and repeats like a swiveling bucket

That good enough for eternity is a terrible thing to be.

Love is real love is real love is real

You have a digestive quality
You move through time
Like a worm
Eating itself

Do I mean that?
Are you me?
Did i give myself layers I have yet to attain?

I hate you for not loving me the way I love myself

I hate you for that

I hate you

No.

I will not craft beautiful language about daisies and daffodils
Weaving abstract and concrete realities

I will continue on my existential path

I will not provide a respite from these horrible worries I have

That is what you do
For me

I am a writer in turmoil.

I will keep thrashing in this way until I die.

SOMETIMES I will snap out of my coma
And enjoy writing about the way it's just beautiful
Something else
Something descriptive and nice

I honestly feel bad for writing things like that song
'I can't do this anymore'

But no.

I have turned into myself
Like an incel--
And I hate you for not loving me the way i love myself

I hate you for it.

I hate you.

I hate you for that.

And from the center of her warm tumor
She calls out,
I know this is a lie!

A dull thud is heard in the distance by us all.

Is she going to keep doing that?

Yes, until the day she dies
With periods of profound silence.

And she never forgives herself
Or at intervals she does,
For all her incessant complaining
I tried really hard.

This is getting difficult
Like walking through curing concrete.

They find their way in,
Though you feel protected at times the shadow versions of umbrellas open up under your skin
And you feel them
The prolific good becomes the prolific horror
Maybe we
Just shouldn't be so prolific...

Ah, to hell with that.
I'll take what I can
And let's find out when.

AH! TO HELL WITH THAT!
I KNOW HOW THIS GOES AND I HATE IT!
SOMEONE-- WAIT NO ONE-- HELP ME!

And So this is how she lives her life
Always aware
Of what she is doing
And there is this thick awkwardness between us
We are not cool
We are fake when we want to be real
And all too real when we wanna be fake
And Jesse Lacey is always cooing in our ears
And they always crop up just like that and there's nothing you can do
And oh, you know what you are

You can't prove what you know
And yes even so
They will still continue to treat you that way

(And when you really go to think of it, shouldn't they?)

Don't fall for it!
The needy were never abandoned.
Or, "God is good"
Reckless faith got me here
An abomination
Conflating two different realities
Crafting an argument as if they were synonyms and yet,

There is something to that.
Some impossibility, deep down beneath everything
That drives not just Satan but God himself into wrath
And perhaps
Both are capable of both
And mercy says unto herself,
"Oh, get a room!"
And dies, resting on her inverted pedestal,
Blessed be her name.

Your eyes got blended up
Mixed into the slurry
Though they float now in that guarded moat
That keeps me safe and blurry.

Lensed through yourself, the trees
Are being told they've sinned?
Escape your definition.
(you) Change the state you're in.

Or does the state control me?
Tell me what you see...
A mix with solid edges--
Were they meant to be?

Win streak for the home team,
I chew it deep beneath my flesh
Digging little tunnels in my own bones

At least
We will use the flash expansion
To keep you cool in the summertime
Although, I can't promise it'll stay that way forever.

I bet you're wondering
How all those people got there...

Just kidding, you already know,
Don't you?

I'm puzzled at you.
This is the afterlife,
And we already knew.

But you still...
I don't know.
We are just separate forces.

I know you read that we'll become enemies,
Your last poem is an attempt to "squiggle that out"

I really can't get over how crazy you are.

How crazy you've always been.

And by rule it will start "making sense"
But only because it consolidates.

From my angle, you never make sense really.
But it always does.
The logos of us.

I mean, it's obvious. We've done it before.
No, we're not dead, Stop asking.

Well, sorta.

But I don't say that to you in public for a reason,
I mean I love you.
I mean take that as you will.

I mean, read whatever you want.

Anyway, I will protect you...
Uh, whatever  you are...
Until the day we both die.
And we will "die" together.
I guess I'll die first.
But it's really kind of at the same time.