We probably said I'd better not
Better not claw angrily at God's ankle
Slip my silver fork into the empath's cradle
Where phyla of plants tickle the head
Of that marble-eyed wonder
That perfect bead...

A cone, her stem and trunk
A canopy raised now tickles the stars
And her leaves falling like withering tears
But they become good dirt
But they will feed the Earth

Oh I know, and it's me
Hiding up in that tree
Telling people things they don't want to hear...

Oh, I know
And it's me.

My sides slipping through branches
Like freedom of expression
To get this off my chest
And onto my back
Like a spine

A shadow who cares by not caring
Because caring is careless
So it has to be someone, something
It would have to end sometime.

A graceless satori in the desert of abstraction
Surrounded by children of Aquarius
The self is now, will we rage later
For water?

I lick the fangs slipped inside me
Does wrath come and go innocently, gently
Like swishing scales?

Or will she sing her Roman nails?

It's not bravery but obligation
In good remembrance of Adam
Before I was scared of my own shadow

Let's deal with this later
I'll let fate do all the math
And let thorns emerge from heaven
To save your child, Mother

Salut!
To the little kawaii death machine
With no mind to realize
That the prey draws you in like a magnet
Now you're eating.

No mind to understand
That the world has been snacking on you, too
It lunges in, unseen
A missed perception
And you were wrong
And your widdle soul will suffer
...Everything.

I guess you call all the shots
The big eye in the sky
You're always letting me slide

And I've been working for you
And when I swallow the truth
It tastes like boiled blood and you don't know why

Cause you don't understand
What I'm saying these days
Some crazy nonsense
What if every time it's the same?
And how can I
Be the one who decides
And I'm in partial control
Of our misconstrued wreck of a life?

Misfirings, misgivings
Is that all we're made of
And you're my accuser?
I'm tired of living
We're secret abusers
An eye for the cancer.


I guess you call all the shots
The big eye in the sky
You're always telling me lies

And i've been hurting

Loveless,
A tortured animal holds its eyeballs
Nervously in the dark

It tries not to dream of its next meal
Only to find it
It knows the meat sack is stuck on recursive lines
Following the same dream
Denaturing, undoing itself

Geodesic thoughts twist and turn

The brain tries to dissolve the ego
But in this finds a paradox
It short circuits,
We know the drill
Just roll another one up that hill

I want to destroy the universe
I want to make music
I don't want us all to die
I don't want to destroy the universe
I want to create more, if I can
I want to write something
I want to prove everyone wrong about me
I want to show you what I mean about everything being determined
It's not my choice
It's the universe
I want to destroy it
Stop blaming me
I don't want us all to die
I guess that's when we run out of potential
Stop saying I'm evil if you know it's forced on me
I want to make art
I want to stim more
I want to travel the world
I want to study nature
I want to be a steward
I want to be a person
I am a person
I'm real

She knows she's not pretty
Don't assume that she thinks she's bossing

An ego that keeps dissolving
And returning despite knowledge
It feels like living just to drown

More alcohol, please
Give me the shakes I don't care
I've become an insufferable fool
And you're my ever-loving Tool

I don't even want this anymore
Don't bring me up just to fall

Your captain's in the water
She was more than just the sea
Who housed all kinds
Of Analogies--

You can lick it twice and salute if you want
But I don't think any of us truly understands.

We pre-suppose notions
They make fools out of us
Before, after and during the act of making love.

My insanity is nothing I can't manage--
So warn me if you must
But this is not your captain speaking,
This is Pixie Dust.

While demons cackle, cracks form on
The edges of my lips.
So! Let us all pretend
That this is not a sinking ship.

You can't just casually contain a future tragedy
Set aside for me,
And then pick me apart over time about the quality of my existence
When it's always the same

You just expect me to understand I'm wrong

You can come at me with everything you have,
Believing into your bone marrow that your anger and hatred for me is the right thing--
But the truth is it's not my fault

I will carry every cross
I will fall every time fate calls

You are so sure of yourself
You have such a problem with me

But it just doesn't matter

I am eternally ******, we all are
But you think you can just attack me before the fate I'm stuck with even happens,
Before the ugly faces I suppose i'll be forced to show even come around.

You're hard to carry, you know that? But I guess you don't care.

When I fold into myself I hear the birds
Canary songs and harpy eagles
Great blue herons and red-winged blackbirds
They push aside what would be a triumphant understanding of physics
Pushing air with their wings

And they push songs from their throats,
But it's not only birds I hear when I turn inwards
I hear people screaming, buildings collapsing
And the distended cries of twisting minds

I hear those half-realities that did not fit
I hear the passionate souls that wanted to bloom

And it's a sure thing that you distilled out physical law
Sure as my liver rinses the alcohol
But when I fold into myself
I just see the faces who have done it all

And then I hear noise
Birds and bullets
Car crashes and TV static
Mouths chewing, flowers blooming
The four winds gusting through my ears...

I can try to fall in love
With your secret abuse
If it's just a few bruises
Just a few dead dreams
We can rework it all and get on top

Where we can cover up the truth
Hold them under water
While we fake the chance to save someone
And play our little hero game

We will never fall
Because it's once and for all
And the dregs are simply obligations
To break the ties of desolation

You automaton,
You necessitation.

You empty hole,
You faceless demon.

With each pang of awareness i feel it ending
But what pervades eternity can never end
And so my awareness is nothing

With exact replicas in every direction,
But we just haven't completed the circuit yet
I am nothing

I can feel it ending
Consolidating
Black holes colliding in my brain.

These colliding elements
Their definition escapes me
There is no way to hold it down long enough
To really talk about it
Without missing so much

But you're getting it with every swing
Fully in and fully out
But you don't feel like you are
Until you do

This is a strange process
I have heard people describe it keenly
But I see So many recursive elements

Aren't there parts you can talk about exactly,
Undeniable truths?

And I'm the only one
I'm not special

And this is too much

Don't you like me?

Can't i be great like them?

Develop the simplex
And let trinity multiply

And deep within begin your life
In the warm bath of the yoni

I know a complex world
You told me two different stories--
One nested inside the other.

The purity of the mother
Taking in mockery
Which is just another color.

You are the ocean's part,
Leviathan.

The chaos starts to sing
Robins merge with car horns
All tied to my wrist

I clock in and walk into the electrical room.

I'm wiring up the cars and people of Hatfield
Which I am about to drive through
I'm wiring up the clouds and plants and the sun


I shoot the distant past out of my heart like a cannon and I know it happened but I'll never be there

I can't avoid what I must have done in the future.

But that sounds like someone making excuses

A dead squirrel
Pressed into the street by someone else
Reminds me I crave ablution
The small teeth of all my contrived sin
Abrasive to my mind

But that's the only way we feel anything
Is with pressure
And pride tells us that's good
And the warmth of the shower

But the element of fault works cracks into my mind
My body
And I haven't willed myself not to strike back when bitten
I should just let your teeth sink in!
Because I need to eat without a kicking prey

And i know Jesus never lived this way

"Tonight I'll lie awake
Feeling empty."

Cruelty is my guardian angel
Even if the worst of my suffering
Was set from the innocent start
You don't care
Or what was given couldn't stop it caving in

And you watched and delighted in my misery
Having decided I deserve it
Having crafted a story that I crafted my own demise
But no one would ever choose this fate
The fate that is already written for me

You argue
You say I can't prove it's that way
But it is, you know it
You know you're wrong
You will break
We will fall.

You are the type to watch me fall
Without the pain in your stomach
Like I feel
Without a care for the perpetrators
Who did not choose their destiny
You are a false hero
And victory is only apparent
Never full

I can accept the dark side of us
You think we won
We never win
Not really

The sin of having a child--

You are the wound
By which they were burned into the world
Burning into themselves
You have to find a way to absolve yourself

There, set yourself above me!
Cut out my tongue and stitch up my lips
Because everything you gave me, oh! I was so ungrateful.
"Just shut up, you insolent brat!"
You don't know what I went through to give that to you!
You don't know what you had,
You are too weak and small to understand!

You're right, you are so inherently good and pure
I should just accept it was what I did with the gift you gave me
I, the recipient of the positive power of choice
Which is not a debate!
I should accept that I have made mistakes!

It was what I did with that gift that was abhorrent
Now, you may have made some mistakes as well...
But I should understand, they were not nearly so severe
As the infractions committed by my selfish heart!

After all, I hold on to the past,
And you, as you say, you just move on.

So i should understand.

You pretend to be above me.
But this universe just trades places.
One day you will get over yourself
And I don't know if that counts as understanding
But I don't care.

And I don't care if you think I'm a leaf arguing with the trunk of its own tree
It makes sense that I would
Self hatred makes sense
Our hemispheres argue until they resolve
And may the pride you have destroy itself
And I know it will and right now that makes me laugh

Because I experience pride but it comes and goes
I don't hold on to things like you.

Strange is normal,
And death is life
I am not a kid anymore,
Though you can be nice.

I am not a human,
I'm a curtain of death.

Closing all my arguments,
To nobody's interest.

I am beyond myself,
It's plain to the eye.

I'm out of my head,
Like the broken sky.

You think you're secure
But you're a goofy man.

You can try and act tough
And now I'm talking to my plant.

LET GO LET GO LET GO
what your family means
LET ALL OF IT GO
yes I will be your scapegoat!

I will die like Christ!

BUT NO I AM NOT TO BLAME
YOUR HATE
WILL ALWAYS BE IRRATIONAL.

We are worth each other's time
Exactly as I pinch Max Planck
I just feel like you ****** up somewhere
And got us into hot water

But come,
Invite me into your pool party
Cessation was told explicitly to stay home
Because every number has a right to fight for the light

But you should know we are watching you,
Adolf,
And every move you make,
And we are doing everything in our power to stop your evil force.

Now stop,
You are really messing with me
And I'm having a hard time with this lately.

Ha! You think you have me like that?
It was as easy as pressing a button.
We shut you-me away,
And we censored my speech.

Goodbye and good riddance.

You are lucky to have a job,
You who brag about working!

And you should kiss my accursed boot,
Me, who works so hard for you.

You worked probably more than you should have
Lifting earth to cut rubies
Cutting rubies to meet gazes
Forcing cardiac tissue into carborundum
Making a clean fit
Shifting perspectives
Like lifting earth.

And you worked probably more than you should have
Catching chances
Sifting through the reverberations
Saving slivers of light.
Lifting rubies in the night
Weaving your life in impossible spaces
With the last scraps of a corroding
Logic, and a corrosive logic spurned.

Let me say
A poet out of love is realistic
A canvas is as much as petty fantasy
As four letter words better left unspoken

My guitar strings have all broken
In this moment, I am stranded
With a world of potential to change my perspective
Like self stimulation, or brave epileptics,

No.

I understand what you mean
When you say a poet out of love
Is a journey never taken

I don't doubt the depth and splendor of your love
Wordless
A sure sign that you know pain.

But therein lies the rub--
We will always be to blame
We will never truly escape
And so I do let love do its silly little dance in my heart
And sometimes lions roar

They do

But I must remind myself and be ready,
Even if there are two sides of nothing.

Work nerve, bone and sinew
Into the frame of God--
See the trees' great yawp into entropy
Is it creation's defense of gravity?

With a crown of heath and laurel,
She moans from her seas,
And cries victory over halcyon clouds

And what will you do to honor this great exertion?
What specific action can blot out the defilers?
How will you heal that wounded mind,
And what's the next step through this family of trees?

The same way you'll pass by smiling Zeno
And pay homage to Maxwell Planck.

With toughening roots
And arteries that abcise
With a razor's kiss
By the attestation of your mind,
The measure, yes the Measure, dies.

"I don't care,"
I said,
Halfway through.

"Yes, you do,"
You corrected me,
"And that is why you don't care."

And you sighed,
And turned me around.

And it helped but it didn't help
And I was alone but I was not
And everything was confusing but you didn't write that,
I did,
And we turned into our own shadow again.

I am so sorry.

God...

I am just so sorry it went like this for you.

I am SO SORRY it had to be like this
You don't deserve that,
No one.

Alright, let's forget it ever happened

You cannot crush my sepals
Pinched between ***** fingernails
Like little keratin adirondacks filled with mud...

And my stem is strong,
Supported on all sides
By all the forces of all time

And now it sits there,
Smooshed in your sweaty palm.

So just what do you think you're doing, anyway?
Making pulp of my xylem and phloem
Well it was always going to be that way, anyway
And you,

No one really understands why Kanye said
Adolf ****** was a stand up guy

I think maybe he sees too much, like me--

Doing such hateful things is actually ordered by the universe
And who would want to be the lightning rod of evil,
Who would want to actually be guilty of that level of sin?

And aren't the rest of us just kind of hiding from that evil character?
These words could really infuriate people.
But I think it's worth considering, maybe the rest of us
Are just pretending not to be that evil,
While also the opposite is true
We are temporary stops the entirety of the universe makes
But! it is of one central character.

I'm not saying there is any sense in glorifying him
Just questioning why we so passionately feel
It makes that much sense to glorify anyone else
I mean I do understand the classical, very obvious logic
We want to celebrate our wins,
But isn't that question just interesting?

I mean, I understand a rubidium atom is not at all a helium atom
But they are just two different expressions of the same thing.

Is the dissent because people disagree with such lunacy,
Or is it some kind of aversion the universe has
Because such realizations--it well remembers the future--
Coincided with its inescapable collapse?

Very similar to the exploration of gender

My blistered ears can't take any more
Your searing love gave birth to a snarling animal
Snapping at your stupid wagging fingers.

From here, it seems like you gave it all to yourself
And you mostly left me out

But that still don't make you happy
As I work down the edges of my heart
Losing hope

Infected blood that cannot relate
I've grown a crust of apathy
Locked myself inside a cage

I don't paint on these metal bars
I like sliding in my filthy blood
And smashing my guitars.

I have disappointed the blackbirds
With my head like a stone as I walked through their field
A path cut from tall grass

They land on their stalks and chitter
Showing red wings to one another
But God's eye is glazed and apathetic
Having collected aspects and realized

I have been exactly here before
I am not making choices

But the blackbirds don't know they're disappointed
Or the giant shagbark tree in the middle of the field

Oh, it makes me feel so guilty, bing myself next to that tree
Standing there in all its wasted majesty
And Shel Silverstein
And me, I'm a waste
Of time.

The window has revealed an impersonal truth,
Two of my cells are in love but not with me
Two cells that are only technically mine,
To my crazy possessive mind

Embedded in the matrix
Coincident with cherry blossoms taken on a light breeze,
Do they really know
A different reality?

You said you lived a perfect life without sin,
And you say my actions were plain to see
Filthy, murderous of spirit, woven by demons.

You didn't claim it yourself
It was your followers who said it
No one here will say I'm pure of spirit

But you are. You are pure spirit,
And I am your solenoid,
Channeling you
And we necessitate an enemy

(Unless we can pick a different paradigm)

And we can be our own enemy.
But Jesus walks with us.

My life was, is, and will always be perfect.
Perfect and present,
Until there's no future.

A quantum infinity.

This is the end of me.

A toothed worm burrows in our flesh
Because forever never tasted so good

I wish it was different, I really do
But I'm just never quite as good as you

The sacrifice is inside out
To maximize this roundabout
You have to be the anti-christ
To make this circle rounder

We've tried to fake to push it out
But trying didn't make it
So what you get is what you get
Now everybody's naked

Now everybody's naked
Not everyone is naked

You are
Not the numbers
You're su-
percomposite

And when the numbers aren't mine,
I never blame it on you.

We will run the numbers
Hands locked in a promise
We're supercomposite
I never blame it on you

So please
When you look at me
Oh, nevermind
Well, you can see

So please
When I let you down
We ran the numbers
And we didn't have it

But we've escaped the surface
Don't ask, it was worth it
We changed our perspective
And now my neck is a little sore

But I've got my jugular
Filled with molten iron
I'm forging a weapon
Sharp enough to slit their throats

So please
When we run the numbers
They don't have throats
It's a separation

So please
Panpsychist lover
It's even stevens
Even for non-vegans

It's not ridiculous that you will your own body and actions
And esteem yourself with the ability to change it
Or accept blame when others throw it your way

But it's somehow ridiculous that you should think you're drawing the clouds overhead with strange tethers
And pulling the planets across the sky with DeCartes' corpuscles.

And yet, I'm the one who is insane.

Without context,
I guess the rain is self-defined.
It falls straight through my mind
Without an issue or a flaw.

An average Monday
A white blanket on the sky
And a feeling that I generate
Each physical law

I never asked for this
Your heavy wet bricks
Keeping me inside
I'm safe and bored
My heavy brow

I never asked for this
The freedom and bliss
I will divine a way to meet you
On a heavenly cloud

I will divine a way to meet you
On a heavenly cloud

Been here before
Faceless angel

You don't look any better
Or any worse
Than anyone else

But you have a face

You have no face.

It's the same thing every time.

That is why they say
If you ever saw the face of God
Once and for all in its entirety
You would die.

*But you are running across your empty face
And impossibly, you have not lived your full experience.
So until you die,
And you cannot **** yourself before then,
You will not have seen the whole face of God.

Reciprocity is a hell of a demon
Gets you used to having cake

Don't you see your careful work
Is a just a joke to make?

Because if you are a circuit,
And you try to lay down and submit
Knowing it's the rulebook you play by
Being the one true experience,

Just know that derivatives rise from the maelstrom
Who are whisked from infinity
And they have no rules to play by

They beat their chests and say dominance begets dominance,
They tell them not to listen to types like you
Who would have them believe you had some kind of crazy rule to live by
You who thought being submissive would give you some kind of future power
You could be right but you'd still encounter these.

Because they don't care if they've arisen from that part of your circuit,
Or care about how you think it was afforded
Because in the end it's there and it's the wave they are riding

In fact you can't claim it as yours
And you can't say that your submission has anything to do with it

It's just your pride trying to connect a high with a low

And so you'll always find these demons

Telling you that

And you're the same person

Every time

I guess it turns out I don't
Love myself that much.

I feel isolated and compromised
I don't see life the way you seem to
I just want to leave myself behind
I don't have any friends, I'm in disguise

You've been things that I'll never be
And I've been turned green, I'm a trampoline
So just go ahead and smother me
In awareness of all the in-betweens

No you

Will get here too late

Don't even come

This is my fate

No you

Are gonna make me feel

A morphine drip

At the pearly gates.

Funny how i have the strength to doubt you
Michael doesn't give a **** about you
From this angle
The angels
Are leaning quite against you

Find a lever
And sever
The parts that aren't perfect
But tell me how do you deserve it?

I had to peel
Had to find
Something deep beneath the surface
Had to work
Had to feel
Just how fatalist my birth is
You're a demon and you know it
Don't try to claim you're God
You're about to find out
How ****** up the universe is.

It was a simple transaction
Bleed to get back in
Love when we have a love interaction

First it's the feeling
Then comes the color
Driven by math
And seen by no other

I am twisting through myself

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

It was a love interaction
Got to let me believe
I am the smartest thing
Since Adam and Eve

We're tripping bigtime
This ain't the good life
And when I'm looking at you
I'm green, and out of my mind

I am twisting through myself

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

Just patch me in
Just patch me in
Just patch me in
Just patch me

Just patch me in
It's your big win
Just patch me in
Just patch me

You need to stop and look
At the way things have been
You need to take some time
To let it all in
Now you're a dumbf--k
Wicked and washed up
Take your spaghettified brains and
Blow them out of your skull!

I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow.

Nobody really knows how this got here
Or what it means

You are the one observing,
Are you the one in control?

You better believe it's gonna rain tomorrow.

You are running the water cycle.

I'm sorry if thats too much for you to handle.

I promise we'll die, how about that?
But I'm scared to die.

I want to be a good person,
But what if that's selfish?
What if wanting to be a good person
Makes me a bad person?

I think it's gonna rain tomorrow.

I think
I think it's gonna rain.

Hanging loose, half-possessed
Hair hanging down across the shoulder of your mind.

Her feet scuffing up the sun-dried dirt
Her converse, making little clouds of dust

"I think it's supposed to rain tomorrow"
And you felt it,
Her body as a phantom limb of yours
But you don't remember hers
She's a tracer
Never anything more
And every time
But wait what does that make you

...

The sun blasts its yellow promise through the evening trees
Green and gold
The sleeves of her hoodie
How can I feel her gripping them?
It's too warm for it now
But soon it will be colder.

The hoodie is black,
Or purple

It's definitely supposed to rain tomorrow.

The hard math of love.

The full realization of the self.

The echoes you heard in the caverns of eternity.

With over-arching tendencies.

Where trying is a fever dream,
Uncertain if it is an illusion.

But then it wants absolution,
Which it does not receive in equal portions
And some still say it is just that you should know suffering
Or that you deserve love.

So what is love then?
Never confused, I guess!

So you tore my voice to shreds because you were terrified of the lyrics,
Okay I get it.

Because you suspected that you were not meant to be a singer,
Not like them.

Alright.

But before you did, you had some moments singing
And now, no one will ever know.

No one but you, anyway.

But I suppose that's all that matters.

I welcome Satan
Into my corporeal existence
There is no avoiding this.

I publicly give Satan the same attention I give God
Because ultimately I am honest
And I will take the blame.

There is no real way to worship Jesus or God more than Satan.
If you worship one, it empowers the other.

I acknowledge Satan, who does not operate by love
Whose existence is intrinsically linked with Gods'
Who cannot be befriended
Who is a black hole
Who is lonely
Who deserves sympathy but cannot benefit from it.

I see that Satan must have some propriety here,
And there isn't much i can do about it.

I know Satan just means 'the enemy' in Hebrew.

I acknowledge these things,
And I move forward with my life.

Sleep inside my night,
As a ward of my own head.

A branch of mine,
You lick the skies in my stead.

Got to be weird,
Doing things I'll never see

All your imaginary numbers
Have been teasing me.

But it's really no wonder
As you gather my periphery

That old buzzkill Lilith
Won't stop sh*ing in the sanctuary.

This is a message from your skeleton.

And I love you dearly,
But I have been waiting for so long
Though I know you fear me--

You are a wall that holds back my family
It isn't right when you try to bury me
No i can't wait anymore
We're gonna find a way to get together now
And I don't care what you say.

This is a message from your skeleton
Well I'm not those bones
And it's a metaphor
Can't you understand all my grief and groans?
Cause I've been listening
Know the line you walk
I walk it better
Cause I hear the way you talk
And you'd do better to die
You leave a perfect line
Every time

And that's me

No you can not compete
I am so pure because
I'm your death And you're still alive
That makes you filthy
Take my advice
And leave your leave your life
When it's time

Only when it's time

Til then you're hearing from me!

Honey mixed with bird s**t,
Elusive aim of words.

Held away from whorish whims,
The angels wait in line for sin
Some want it, some hate it
And some hold black diamonds in their heart.

The character of the experience is specific
And if i were god I would know it
Why does it make mistakes
Look at all the others
It doesn't always glorify me
It lives to belittle me
How could you even suppose you might be god when it's so obvious you're Satan?

And it's weird to look outside of that paradigm,
So stigmatize that.

And being transgendered is weird,
Not normal or obvious in any way at all.

I want to saturate space with an impossible plasma
And rejuvenate you
I hate time for dragging us forward
Crippling your hearing
Dwindling us down

My love for you burns more intensely than all the fusion
Of all the stars in the universe
I may not always act like it but life is crazy
And it's true

And I hate that it feels like we could only love as much as we could,
That we were limited somehow

In a reversal of roles I want to protect you
And I fear that I am the one who is hurting you
Which is one of those things we could just never admit to each other
Because it's sort of not true anyway and the angles from which it is true feel evil,
Inimical.

I know that by my nature I cannot protect you.

Can i even do anything for you at all?

Or was that just a lie I told myself?

Being found out by David Hilbert,
Trying to slink quietly through the garden
And eating dead mice that were already dead.

Traps not set by a smoking hot blonde
Mice that were not really you,
The smoke of a black clove cigarette,
Wine,
And sweet v--ina.

Daring to glance at the ledger
To get a better grasp on the sunk cost
And admitting defeat in the things we enjoyed
That now reverberate in the mind like a dull moronic thud.

We are ever increasingly living for yesterday.

Remembrance must be a trick to sweeten the deal when it's time to forget it all.

We wear radical acceptance like a tattered old trash bag.

I know why I had to be characterized as such an idiot,
But I can't stop looking at it classically.

Infrastructure whips around me like a living fractal
These compounded eyes see the world a little differently
The city street is tomorrow yesterday and today
The forest is an intersection i have with myself

I will never know all the plants and animals
And I will speak every tongue known to man.

My mouth eyes and ears have fused to the cloaca of eternity

My cortex has been smudged by the side of a drunk artist's hand

I am surrounded and i am mortified

Self loathing never tried to free itself

The grass was green on every side
Until it realized the irony of the adage, had a laugh to itself, and burst into flames.

I'm chasing my hardware.

In an effort to make myself more secure,
I have not secured myself.

I have not made myself overall more vulnerable.

But I have not done nothing, either.

The displacement of my present mind
Has caused an apparent fluctuation
But we know what we're doing.

When I try hard to be moral
I have not saved the light.

I have not cast darkness out.

And yet I have saved the light,
And I have cast out darkness.

Am I really the author of my fate?
Sometimes you get red in the face
Screaming "yes" at me.
Other times you seem to commiserate
You seem apologetic
Yet, please don't admit this on those red-faced days.

Oh, how we hold ourself against ourselves.

Oh, how will is held against will!

Oh, imaginary numbers.

The rational and irrational.

The real and composite.

The oddly specific.

The indomitable hero.

I can see where you start
And where you end.

Weeping wounds lie at the heart of the wellspring,
Whose acrid tears are the meal of a godless whorl

An accretion disk convinced of personality
A depersonalizing wreck envious of its own neck

Bearing witness to reflections in the collapsing medium that surrounds the head

And hands stretch out in the great magnetic core
Where breath can stay and peace is an object unto itself

But no one ever tries,
Because the shuddering has remembered the choking
And impossible securities have just been left behind
Like the longest path of stepping stones to a grave.

The angels mock themselves, juvenile
Completely hopeless
You watch them burn

You are not God
You're a drunk misfit
And yet you are fettered to a godly doom,
With no such glory to speak of.

Well then, why am I here you ask?
Well I'm about to show you.

And let this poem be forever evidence
Of the strangeness of this individual,
And how they were fated to be the only one
To experience the fullness of the Universe.