I'm sinking
and no one wants to help.
I asked myself if I wanted to swim,
to survive.
But what's the point?
I have nothing good to return to.
I can't breathe, but this is the most I've felt alive.
As I open my eyes, I hope to see some light.
There isn't any.

I used to always smile.
I was always so happy.

I loved life.
I really did.

I realized that people never liked me.
Not one bit.

They'd use me.
They'd ask me for answers and favors.
I was just a post to lean on when times got tough.

I was never their "go-to" person.
I was their last resort.

I realized that I didn't like living like that.
I cried.

They asked me if I was okay.
Not because they cared, but because it made them look good.

I was a charity case.
A thing that they could use to their advantage.

"This isn't like you. Where's the girl I know?"
How could they ask that?
They didn't bother to learn a thing about me.

A smile came back.
Not mine, but one did.

It was forced.
No one could tell that it was.

I used to smile until my face got sore.
The smile was big enough to hide my true self.

If you took one look at my eyes,
You can see sadness, pain, and longing.

They didn't bother.
They were ashamed to talk to me anyway.

The smile was forged, a fake made from gold.
The next time you smile, think.
Is it real or is it your cover?

I smile through it all,

the insults and the hurt,

hoping for the day

that I can stop this charade.

My mom used to say,
"Don't cry, you'll leave permanent tears on your face."
As a young child, I didn't understand.
My brother objected, smug and saying, "That's not true, tears can dry up."
My mom just smiled and said, "I hope you don't see it when you're older."
Now, I didn't understand, and I sided with my brother.

As the years went on, I could feel what others thought of me.
I could finally feel their glares and recognize the harsh meanings behind their words.
I slowly backed away, but no one noticed.
If they did, they were fine with it.

Being a "wretched outcast",
I looked for new shelter.
A new environment where I could feel safe.
I never made it to the promised land.

When I finally gave up,
I cried.
I poured out my feelings on paper,
my pain filled into countless notebooks.

When I look into a mirror,
I finally see it.
The permanent tear tracks.

Thank you
for letting me rant about my troubles,
you stood by me even through the hardest times.

Thank you
for never losing interest in me,
I never lost you.

Thank you
for being so humble,
your courtesy got me far.

Thank you
for being my light,
piercing through the darkness of my heart.

Thank you
for your smiles,
your gifts and love kept me alive.

Thank you
for pulling me out of the frigid waters,
for I had finally sunken after skating on thin ice for so long.

Thank you
for being so selfless,
you had been going through the same thing but still thought about me first.

Thank you
for saving me,
I'd be nothing without you.

Having everyone around in the morning,
Everyone ridicules me without warning,
Love fills my day before it has begun,
People in my life shine brighter than the sun!
My desires have to be put aside for theirs,
E**very once in a while, they care!

I'm lonely.
I'll admit that.

When I was in school,
I noticed that everyone had a friend with them.

That's when the feeling hit me,
I was alone.

I have friends,
but they'd pick someone else other than me
if given the chance.

I know that I should be sad,
that I should be asking for friends,
that I should be needy.

But that's not who I am.
If I've made it this far without anyone constantly there for me,
who's to say I need one now?

I've been alone,
and I might always be.
But honestly, I have no problem with that.

Let them talk,
let them judge!
It doesn't matter unless I let it matter.

I know I should be crying,
that I should feel an emptiness,
but I don't.
And I won't.

I've been shattered
countless times,
each time cracking in a different way.
Every time I pick myself up,
every little piece of me,
I always pick up a little hope.
Hope that everything will turn out okay,
hope that I'd find someone
or something to save me.
It always comes crashing down.
I've hoped for so long, that I'm starting to lose it.
I'm losing hope
in getting out of this miserable state.
I then realized,
hope was an illusion.
A simple hallucination in my mind.
I've never had it,
and I'll never get it.

The people that I know
Only acknowledge the big things
and push away the smaller things
as if there wasn't enough room for the smaller things
as if I didn't matter

I tried so hard
sending gifts
sending letters
remembering birthdays
remembering the little things

All they ever did was grunt
and heave
and sigh
because my efforts were too small

Christmas, birthdays, vacations
I had something for everything
and I gave everything I had
Not even one thank-you

All I really wanted
were for them to be happy
eventually giving almost everything
Everything that I owned
to see them smile

But they never did
They just commented
"This one is smaller than your last one"
And I'd just stand there
Stunned

Throughout my life
I've always wondered
How did people like
The sound of silence?

In my head
It was incessant screeching
Only was I lucky
Was I able to hear a sound
Before it got to my head

But then I realized
With the world going around me
It was good to have some silence
Once in a while

I used to think that romantic heart break poems
were an overused cliche.

I never sympathized,
for I had never felt any spark.

I felt that people would get over it,
that it surely couldn't be that bad.

I was wrong.

It was the first time I'd felt a spark,
something that filled me up with a warm feeling.

Something that I could actually feel.

I felt victorious,
I felt like a champion.

Being around them just filled me up,
just enough to keep the spark going with me.

I didn't think that mixed signals were real,
that people just didn't see the real meaning.

That I admit I was wrong again.

They gave me mixed signals,
one day they'd adore me,
the other they'd just ignore me like trash on the sidewalk.

I wasn't sure what to feel.

So now I make my decision.

I give up.

You're blind to their faults
Others will see it
You won't

You're taken with them
Others won't see what you do
But you won't see what others do

"They're perfect for me"
That's what you think
When you think you're in love

Truth comes like a storm
It destroys what you think are your feelings
It flushes out the rest

But after the storm
You see the barren land
That was originally there

You see the truth

It's that time of the year again,
I have to see them once more.
I've got a change in appearance,
and a sharp edge on my words.
They want me to apologize,
but for what, I did nothing wrong.
They're hypocrites, every last one of them.
I'm not angry at them,
rather at myself for not realizing sooner.
Now I have to go through the same old ****,
loneliness, resentment, all the works.
The time has come,
and I have to deal with this again.

Why can't you see
she's manipulating you, all of you?

Why can't you see
she's just acting, she doesn't care about you?

Why can't you see
she's a fake and a manipulator?

Why can't you see
I'm trying to help you?

Why can't you see
I'm not jealous?

Why can't you see
that she's weaker than she lets on?

Why can't you see
She's a liar?

Fine, outcast me, turn everyone against me, hate me.
Why can't you see
The smile in her eyes when you yell at me?
I've tried to help you, but when you come crawling back, don't expect me to help you. I've warned you.

It feels intense.
It feels like falling without a stopping point.
It feels like falling into water in a frozen lake. And no one helps you up.
It feels lonely. There's no one who's willing to help you.
It makes me want to run away. To get out of my own skin.
It makes me empathetic. I started to feel what others do.
It makes me tired. I just give up.
It made me an actor. I wore a mask for years without ever taking it off.
It feels uncomfortable. When I wake up with swollen eyes from crying myself to sleep.
It felt soothing when I lashed out. I was myself, and nobody liked me.
It makes me observant. I see how everyone treats me and each other. It's painful, but it is the truth.
There is one thing, that I have not felt yet. I don't know how it feels when it's time to break free.

I used to be completely dependent on people,
always being super critical of what they said,
of what they thought.

I used to be fragile,
anything bad said about me,
I'd cry.

I used to be superficial,
lying to myself,
putting myself down for so long.

One day in the summer,
I woke up feeling refreshed.

I thought it was peculiar,
until I saw that the rings under my eyes were gone.

I felt light hearted,
something I had not felt in a long time.

I laid my head in my hands and cried,
but not tears of sadness,
but tears of joy.

I felt my sadness slowly dissolving,
and when I looked into the mirror,
I saw her.

I saw the little girl I used to be,
happy and carefree.

When I was in elementary,
I would do everything everyone told me to.

When I was elementary,
I was ignorant to everything.

When I was elementary,
I never questioned anything.

When I was in middle school,
I saw the evils in people.

When I was in middle school,
I was depressed for knowing what was going on.

When I was in high school,
I rebelled.

When I was in high school,
I revolted and took what was rightfully mine.

I was rightfully mine.
My thoughts and feelings were mine.
All through my life my parents always tried to change that.
They couldn't when I was a teen.
I look back on it now, and see that what I did was right.
I changed for the better, and no one will ever change me.
I'm mine.

Why is it that
you had always left me alone
always leaving me for others
always leaving me because I wasn't
enough?

Why is it that
when you needed help
I would do anything for you
but when I needed you
you'd never respond?

Why is it that
you made plans with me
but when I came
you were nowhere to be found?

Why is it that
I'd get blamed
for things you'd done
but not a simple sorry nor thank you
came out of your mouth?

Why is it that
I'm so patient with you
sitting through everything
trying my best for you?

Why is it that
I'd fall
for the same lies
again and again?

Why is it that
I love you?

I thought miracles
Would never happen
to someone like me

Then you came along
With the breeze

You said you loved me
and I did too in return

As quickly as you came
You left
With the breeze

You lifted my heavy heart
A miracle to me
A favor to me

I saw you occasionally
Along with the breeze

I knew it was my fault
Ruining a friendship
that ran deep through our bones

You appeared in a dream
You were so soft
In a dream

I started to crave your attention
To actually be something important
You granted my wishes

Our relationship didn't last
As soon as I uttered the words
We were done

Our "friendship" was destroyed
It wasn't fun while it lasted
It was torture

I know it was my fault
Someone had to do it
You or me