They're changing my meds
so I'll be here for a while
a decade or so of avoiding help and treatment has left me at a personal best for my worst
but I feel okay
I can't tell if I manic or stable
finally not in the pit of depression
it's been so long I don't know what okay feels like anymore

--I'm trying not to get excited

Driving to different offices and placing my resume in the hands of possible future employers was exhilarating
I never thought I would be so rash in a decision as I am now
My two weeks notice will sit on your desk tomorrow
leaving you forever wondering what happened

You offered me numerous promotions
A business trip most recently
Your boss incredibly fond of me and progress with the company
Management always came easily to me

But I'm a workaholic when I'm at work
and too often I stayed off the clock, unpaid
so a fellow employee wouldn't have to suffer
all the work that still needed to be done
in all the lack of time we had

This is my parting gift
This piece of paper
A symbol to you that my life has outgrown this place
that I know has taken more from me than it's given

I wish you well
that you will find a worker who is passionate about
this company the way I once was

In two weeks I will be gone
I will move on with my life

This is my parting gift

There is a first aid kit in my bathroom
Menagerie of cotton, disinfectant, plasters
Reaching for it I click the lid open and stare
Push aside some boxes never opened never needed
Push aside wrappers long since needing a trash can
And as I rummage I become frantic
        Not here!
           Not here!
            Where is it?
         Not here!
It seems this first aid kit cannot do much for my mental
It cannot do much for broken heart
It cannot do much for a frantic night of disallusions
But it can keep my paper cut covered and protected from unexpected assaults from overuse of hand sanitizer
And that will have to do...

You were vinegar and I was oil
Never truly meaning to mix
but going together so **** well

I say I'm over you
tell others that I don't want you back and wouldn't come back even if you asked nicely
my sister told me I move on quickly and excuses tumbled out of my mouth before my brain registers that they've fallen
you see these dates I've been on have been meaningless
a useless endeavor, really in an attempt to fill this emptiness you left me with
I dreamt of you again last night and when I woke punished myself by staring at pictures of you until my eyes were raw
I haven't deleted any of them
The vision of you in my dream told me you were in love
told me you found that person who makes your heart do trills like cats purrs
I remember waking with tears
Every **** time I think I'm over you, I look to the gorge you've left in me
Reminders all around my room
The tickets we bought for a date but never used still untouched in the middle console in my car
They don't have an expiration date

As a child I was demure
obedient
restricted
uniformed schools and stuffy churches
expectations on how a person should be and act ingrained into my life from conception

I watched as others blossomed
allowed to grow in the faith and in their family
expectations a guide book they were more than eager to follow
I sat in the corner quiet and meager and scared of taking up too much space
there was a slot my peg was supposed to fit into
and maybe I did, but not in the way that it mattered

I saw the way my sisters fought with my mother
harsh words and violent tantrums
I felt the tension in the air and I never wanted to cause that

to this day I'd say I'm the same way
a peacekeeper and people pleaser
doing what I think I should do for others
as it changes how others see myself

I am kind
and I am gentle
and I am punctual
and I am tactful
but I am selfish
and I want
and I want
and I want

and there's a part of me that is scared to flourish
afraid that if I let myself be myself then I will hurt those around me I have spent so long trying to protect
I still try to fit into a mold that I have repeatedly cracked,
and when I look in the mirror I understand that everything I am built this figure

striking outfits and sharp bold black images marring my body
I am loud and unapologetic in the comfort of my own home
I am her when I am surrounded by my friends
but I know the truth and am skilled at wearing many faces
I still change the mask with every phone call to my mother
with every smile I flash at work
with every doctor's visit and strangers on the street

I'm still demure
and obedient
restricted and uniform
The image I'm projecting a direct reflection of my fears
I'm still the same child who was scared of rocking the boat
and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that

I wrote my thoughts on yellow paper:
blue lines,
red margin,
I found relief in the feel of the smoothness against the side of my hand--
and I was content with life for awhile

but I realized that that life was false,
some abomination of the real world--
a place of kindness where there was evil,
a utopia where there was none

and my thoughts I think have become juvenile with age--
which is to say I feel childish in my emotions:
unable to feel the things that are important
instead of those problems which are just surface level

my anxiety is a demon clawing at my shoulder,
it holds and it holds and it holds--
it is stuck into me with sharp teeth and talons,
and it reminds me everytime I move my arm that it is there--
always watching,
always whispering
gurgled words I have long since known how to fear

and it's difficult to say why I feel this way,
maybe I was cursed ,
maybe I was just born unlucky,
or maybe it's been my fault all along
letting pathetic reasoning take place

I wish I could go back to that paper--
that yellow glare of comfort,
the easiness of feeling something controlled for once
but instead I speak about petty nothingness every two weeks--
too enamored with the idea of the now,
that I am unready and unwilling to open up the past

it always ends like this :
blank pages glaring,
forced steady breathing,
with the knowledge that avoidance is the same thing as accepting

She loved me I knew, but that was difference
between us.
I was totally and completely in love with her.
I had fallen into an oblivion of skewed rationality in
her midst,
and she would never cease to catch my breath in
my throat,
or fill my lungs with her radiated serenity.
I fell deep into a pool of which she
would only see the lilies of the surface,
but it would never ripple for her.
And so, I had to let her go.
If there ever was a poisoned reason in this life,
it would be falling madly in love.
And I would rather breathe that poison
every second of every day of every year
just to see her floating in ecstasy with someone
else
than to be wading wrongly in love with me.
She would never love me as I her.
She would never lose balance in my kiss,
or become drunk off my scent like I did hers.
She would never stand in a hurricane
just for a chance to hear my voice calling in the wind,
And she would never fall into a tragic romance with me.
She loved me, I knew,
But that’s where the power of words come in.
She loved me, but I was in love with her.

    --An attempt to write romance:
       from my high school years

If loving him was a cool shower,
falling for you is a warm scented bath.

---For so long I was stuck in that stagnant place between freezing and boiling

Sharing my poetry with the world is terrifying
It's like I'm showing a part of myself that I'm still afraid to admit exsists
I dont know what it is about having others read my writing that is both thrilling and absolutely petrifying at the same time

You say you care about me
but it's not in the way I want you to
I want to grow old and share our lives
I want to wake up with coffee on the porch and a cat in our respective laps
I want to tell you about my day in a more than a friend kind of way

I care about you
but more than you do about me
and I'm still learning to accept that
a slow realization with heartache that we will never be what I want

and it's a shock to my system to acknowledge the fact that someone has felt this way for me before
I could not reciprocate then
and you will not reciprocate now

and it seems silly to think about
7 years ago I fell in love and I haven't fallen out since

We can watch the stars play off the water
Until we're certain enough to know that we can't tell the difference between the surface and the night sky
A nostalgia tangled grip of your hand in mine
The only truth I can hold on to
I still have trouble telling apart my left and my right,
But I can always find my way back to you


--You smiled and I felt it in the beat of your heart

I am cobblestone cracking in the heat
Terrified of becoming inconsequential under your feet
Once a beautiful stone carefully layed now weathered and worn

----I keep thinking I am breaking

I'm starting this new life
new town
new job
better fiends
I'm building myself up and you're still demanding a roof with no foundation
you're complaining about the lack of paintings but you don't have any walls to put them on
I've given you all the materials that I can
It hurts me to know that you wont be with me the same way on this journey anymore
seventeen years of growth has changed us both
and while I'm terrified to go without you
I know you will hold be back
I am excited to see how far I can go by only taking care of myself

I will always be your best friend

--I think you stopped being mine awhile ago

It stays, it stays, it stays this way--
Close in the dark; words huddling and wrapped in the eager cavity of your chest
Using ribs as lap bars hoping to keep this feeling there---
Trapped until it heals you
Too long has past since your heart felt love like this
And you fear if it leaves the ride prematurely, it will be to afraid to try again

--Your heartbeats are sounding over the roaring in your ears that this could fall apart again

There are many things in the world I've never experienced
I suppose I've always had the chance
Just been unlucky with timing
Like that time in the fourth grade when we went to mammoth cave on a field trip
There was an earthquake
But because we were underground we couldn't feel anything
The world was shaking above but we missed it
Maybe the world is shaking now
Maybe I missed it...

Like some terrifying ****
Stealing my voice
Gluing me in place
Driving a knife in my chest
I know the words she spat like a book
I had read a hundred times over,
Yet it always seems like the words
rolling off her tongue are fresh ink on the page.
Oh how I wish I could stop them

    --When I look in the mirror

I listened to Tiny Dancer last night and thought of you leaping across the stage
make-up done up
long hair you always wished short tied in a bun
matching outfit with sequins
if I look close enough I can tell you tried to get the scuffs off of your shoes for this moment
but they are time worn and will never fade--
a testimony to your hours upon hours of practice for this moment
the moment you shine on that stage
with precision and elegance to your movements
I listed to Tiny Dancer last night trying to remember the feeling of freedom that you used to give me

My greatest trick will be a disappearing
act where I do not disappear but appear
to be.
I will stand on hollow ground as you
The audience
Watches with lackluster eyes
No applause
No awe
No response
You continue life as though mine did not exist
Never existed
I will stand before you
Shouting
Screaming
Isn’t my trick amazing?
I stand right before you but you cannot see
I will reach out trying to reverse my trick
But I never learned how to turn myself back
That part will never interested me until now
So I will stay in this standstill
And you, my audience, will continue to
Marvel

    --When I was younger I wanted to be a magician

I take my fingers and lodge them into the skin barrier above my heart --
Tearing the skin and breaking the bones: a gateway to the kingdom of love.
And as I remove the king from its throne, fluttering and warm, I inspect him for damage;
Scars and healing;
A sign of progress and growth.
This is a ruler who has fought and braved the front lines, walked steadfast into battle and came out the other side.
Sometimes he was victorious, other times taking more damage than his enemies, a truce the only resolution to the fight--
But he is still beating and strong and guiding and ruling
And with his beats mimicking war drums, I am urged to march forward
steady.

The worst birthday present I ever received
Words my sister says to me
End of August never belonged to me
It belonged to my sister, a day after mine yet two years older
It belonged to my cousin a year older same day
It belonged to my other cousin four days before mine
It belonged to my cousin younger but died of leukemia before childhood could end
My birthday has never belonged to me
It never will

I gasped my way through the drought
Course, dusty particles abusing my lungs
Gulping down whatever little water was given--no matter how stale.

I was digging my hands through the cracked ground for so long---
Searching for a well, a spring, even clay I could use to build shelter from the scorching heat--
Head down;
I didnt notice the storm clouds brewing overhead
I mistook their darkness for the routine calm of night

The flood is here now and I thought I would have been more ready
Instead I had been ****** dry for so long that I had forgotten how to swim

I know I'm being selfish
and I'm sorry, okay?
I know you think I'm being ridiculous--
criticizing
over-analyzing
hyper-aware
I'm not mad I promise
I'm just upset
You think I say it too much
that those words lose meaning everytime
But I see it differently
Every time I say those words is another moment I think of you
It's another memory of us
another vision of our future together
I love you
I'm so ******* in love with you

so please....
when I say it
say it back
Don't pull a Han Solo and say that you know
when I look at you with longing and hurt in my eyes
tell me you love me
tell me when you're not prompted to at all
Tell it to me before I say it to you
I know you show your love in other ways
but I'm selfish and insecure and I need vocalization to know my mind isn't playing tricks on me
to know that you really do still feel the spark like I do after two years
I love you
I love you
I'm so in love with you

Why can't you say it to me
without my saying it to you?

I've been letting these feelings of complacency linger for awhile now
avoiding the process of acknowledgement like it's an overused hobby in my freetime

and it's rare for me to act--
instead I diminish and allow myself to curl in on myself
rather than facing head-on the things I fear

I am weak like that--
weathered down by time like a stone in a creekbed until my sharp edges are smooth--
only good for skidding above the water and sinking down below--
my obtrusive nature nonexistent,
only useful to those searching for me

but I've been sitting here complacent--
letting the rushing of the currents wear me down,
and I find I am tired of it's constant freezing presence
sitting beneath the crystal waters--visible to those searching for my stone,
waiting for the helpful hand of someone brave enough to seek me out
waiting to fit perfectly in the palm of their hand

and maybe I'll find that I've found purpose again.

Sometimes you meet someone and later realize how much you should have remained strangers
But your paths have crossed and now you can never be the same
Tell me you feel the same
I'm begging

I think we were always destined to be this way
a kindred spirit who haunts my dreams
I compare everyone to you

call me again when you have your life figured out
I promise I'll probably still be waiting
and I'm not sure that's healthy

but if in years down the line I am content with another, and you asked me for a chance
then I'd have to at least think about it

When I was younger and still toeing the line between joining creative writing club --
I remember one meeting being asked to write about love
and I had been romanticizing since I was a little girl who spoke to trees around the neighborhood so they wouldn't get lonely

a little girl who carried a ziploc of cat treats to make sure the strays knew that they were loved

I played mermaids in chlorine and it didn't affect my gills

in my dreams and my childish whims I had a soulmate

believed everyone had a soulmate
someone destined for them
someone to have such undiluted devotion for then and in return

ride or die

Bonnie and Clyde

I thought I knew what love was

I didnt know until I met you and in the first 12 hours we had met I was already claimed.
you made my spirit settle
I've been looking for that peace ever since you left
I think you've been searching too--
in walmart versions of me in the city we both moved to for separate reasons

the excuses we make to talk now are just that:
excuses
I never had to have one of those before with you
pick up my phone to listen to you breathe
and in the nights where we were apart sleeping to the lullabies I'd sing
you'd request skinny love every time

but I think it turned into something like we hear in stories
when you have it you don't notice it
and you don't notice it until it's gone

I think you and me were a lot like that

I still find myself thinking of you and it's been 5 years
that amount of time seems so small and yet so daunting

five years ago I was 18
five years from now I'll be 28

I'm scared to see when these next five will take me

I still think of my life as a failure. I'm kind of in a standstill and have been since you left
I guess I'm still trying to cope with the fact that my dreams, while staying the same, don't feel right without you

you are still an intrical part in my dreamscape
still a trauma my friends hear about
still a trauma I am learning to accept


I guess this is to all say I love you
and I hate that I'm not the one you share your home with
I dreamed childishly before of soulmates
I realize now they don't exsist
for if they do you are mine
but one I'll never have again

I'm sorry too
I'm sorry I'm a toxic depressing person who gives others her bad vibes
I'm sorry I didnt see how much you were hurting in these two years
I'm sorry everyone thinks I changed you
I'm sorry if I did
I'm sorry if I ever pressured you into anthing
I'm sorry that I haven't always been easy to talk to
anxiety often plays well with me and those around me
I'm sorry
I'm so sorry
But I can promise you this
I will never be sorry for loving you
For giving you my virginity
For trusting you with my secrets
For spending two years of my life with you
For our sleepless nights naked in bed just talking
For the songs I sang you to sleep with in the first few months
For the stupid road trips that always ended in rain
I will never be sorry for loving you

My two best friends in the world are in toxic relationships
both engaged
both living parallel lives miles apart
young and dumb
broke and self-medicating
I look at these relationships around me and wonder if they think they're perfect and healthy
I wonder if they find mine toxic the way I find theirs--
wonder if they see the red flags in mine they can't see in theirs
I wonder if I'm the only one in this relationship who is in love
who fell hard and never got back up
who feels comforted by your embrace
Don't tell me this is toxic
Don't let this be one-sided
Please

I'm biting my tounge as tears run down my face
Iron and salt meeting in a macabre
I always surrounded myself with grey
I didnt mean to press that color onto you
Maybe I shouldn't have wasted my time or my poetry on you but
I will still bite my tounge bleeding evermore before I apologize for loving you

The funny thing about most toxins
Is that you can have them in small amounts without any consequence
It's only when
You sit in it long enough,
Injest it so many times--
That you get sick