sometimes I lose sight of control,
lose sight of direction and feel suspended in abyss.
I'm in limbo but on my couch, on the carpet, writing, reading, scrolling, listening, but lost.

under bridges I'm walking on paper floorboards,
falling into darkness of a thousand words clogging my ears, eyes,
I'm stimulated to a ****** of broken lungs,
stunted dreams and desperate

Another evening where the hatred I feel for myself burns so hot my oesophagus hurts

Where did my mind go, when did I stop listening to my thoughts
I used to be romantic, wholesomely confident in my delicate existence

Now I’m terrified of it
That unless I grip tightly, I’ll evaporate from everyone’s lives whom I love

My stomach is tingling,
Appetite or illness?

Telepathic touch
It surfaces, before I notice myself asking.
In form and instinct he knows me,
But in origin, our intuition’s slacked.
I haven’t exposed my truths,
What I might’ve thrown out, could’ve  mislead.

Agony nudges gently;
You aren’t worthy of love she says
You’re repulsive.
You’re sinful.
You’re ***** and inedible
People try to help you but you don’t want to be helped.
Her tone is generous, attentive, loyal.

With these words I perish;
“Stop you’re melting me, aw God”
He kisses me and swoons onto my chest, smearing my body on the sheets.
The juncture of my withdrawal alights.

My blinkered eyes trudge the familiar trail, but then fixate,
-a penetrable route disguised.
take the tired track or trod the untrodden?
Perplexed in ponder I whisper in trance
Quiescent terrain ...quiescent terrain?

He’s snores as I lift my head from his belly
"...an amaurotic trial".
Squeeze. The soiled sack flattens against the lip of his favourite mug,
Adorned; those pungent, final drops.

The frisk evening air lifts my limbs and I wave as I always do.
Thanks for everything, as he always does,
Get home safe, as I always do.

Lingering or loitering,
I brace for his lips to flourish as his leg hooks the infamous green frame.
"I’ve been admiring your bike, I keep seeing it around"
Such sweet beginnings,
Such oblivion to an end.

He nods.
Farewell, and may we meet again in happier times?
Perhaps.

I step inside,
Retreating to what is known;
a path that has been walked before.

I am continuously getting overwhelmed.

If I stop and look, break down to myself the key factors of my life right now I calm down after a sometimes uncomfortable, emotional ******.
What is this?

Is it double faced as a good progressive thing that if I otherwise ignored would simmer beneath the surface and come out in explosions

I’m useless, when I have no feelings of romantic attraction I’m safe and my best self.
But once my heart feels a beat, I’m a loser to myself and I lose my charm
The charm which compels me to be free

I don’t like me, so why should they?
I project the exact opposite of what I know is good, in order to perhaps cast away.
Do I not want myself to be happy?
Is that too much of an emotion to behold?

I try relax and connect with myself again but it’s this effort of trying that initiates the polar opposite

I’m sexually aroused by people who mistreat me -or in further actuality- who I make uncomfortable, self conscious and ultimately- encourage hate.
I need to feel hatred to arouse my love

People who are good, and good with my good, who allow themselves to be transfixed and emotionally, loosely captivated, maybe terrify me.
I freak, I freak out but in a different way that doesn’t make me act on my ****** senses  
Instead I turn to self-depreciation

When you kissed me, I lied.

I let you kiss me because I wanted someone to love me.  
I was selfish, I wanted to soothe my craving for attention, soft and kind love.

It’s because you’re warm and safe, I still do get the urge to trust you with love.
In fact you’re handsome while so insecure.

But I shouldn’t have kissed you, because I knew I didn’t want you but your aroma.
I chewed it and played with it to spare your feelings and to ebb my shame

but believe me, I’m happy to have made your acquaintance on that awful day that appeared on paper as perfect.
On the day when the last one I loved, introduced me to you

And another one bites the dust,
I couldn’t stay prominent for someone yet again
He made me laugh
And gave me a feeling of life and purpose
to a fault

Once he dropped back from my heavy affection,
He drifted and wanted to see me less
I started to reconcile with panic
and shook when his name notified my screen
My ***** emotions were exposed
and thought they’d been rejected
But post trauma stirring beneath it’s surface, was the weight inflicting me.

Enough distance and a cut of all ties, was what it took to see
he didn’t mean anything; to me