I have felt that feeling again tonight
Saw the eyes of my father in my friend
Heard the four
Most evil words
from a trust, I felt sure in
“If You love me…
there is in it
a gamble
not worth pursuing

it is to tread waters of solid friendship
how it bends
for one need not another
I do not want to bend
Nor can I any further
The arch in my back holds a boulder on a twig
In the mud over a racing river

are the tears of now worth it
Do I deserve this?
For proving my worth
Or are they
wrong for testing it?
I wish she knew of my heart ache
Of all my weakest moments
But most of these days
those moments belong to her

To what do you owe your savior?
Did they really save you?
Or are you now in a new kind of madness
Trapped in the same game but a different classroom
Never learning how to ask for an exit

Ill give you a hint
They never built a savior or an exit
You are your own key
And prison

Now I sit in my sanctuary
Undreaming dreams and unfriending thieves
That I no longer wish for
Away from familiar

I see that I am always the same
Will always be the same
Just less and less
Hopeless
Less of service
Less capable of letting you behold it

My key
My prison
You may no longer be a hold of it

I know a certain kind of sadness
That does not want to wallow
It nurses your bruised frame
And lets you release
Whatever you found to shackle yourself with

Stopping at any given chance you are there
And not so there
All in my head

I think of the last I saw, heard or smelled of you
All the insides I own
Sink further in their respective seats
To let my heart beat bigger for you

They say that when someone is thinking of you
You sneeze
I don’t think that’s true
cause some unsuspecting teacher would have
annunual and unforgiving colds
And presidents would probably die on election day

But still I hope you feel it just as strongly
Not in illness, but a small ember
Nestled between your worries and fears
So that you may expend my canon
And I may lead you to your solace

The “we should hang out”s
And “call you later”s
Lie us into...

Fragile
Connections
But I miss you the same and I tell you all these lies
Because I can't bare
A half built bridge
Or a one-sided I love you

I was created by Him
and in turn will become a vessel for His creation
Half of you was born the same time I was
Grew up with me
Lived a whole life with me
Held on long enough
To the insides of my womaness
to one day look at me
And I love you for it
I have loved you before it

You will never need to earn this love
It is always here
never will you have to climb a mountain
or reduce your hurt
or love of life
It’s here for your taking
Your needing
Your feeding
Here for you even to throw away

The love I preserve for you
Does not live in my heart
Or in my being
Cause if it did
It will die the same time as I will
I will love you even after the fact

No matter the suns position
This love follows you closer than your shadow could ever hope to
Closer than the love you have for yourself
Almost as close as the one your Lord keeps for you
It exists always

On days that I do not like you
I love you
When you hurt me
I can’t help it than to
Remember I’d rather be hurt by you
than
If you weren’t able to hurt me at all

I have seen My Mother fall
Past sadness itself
And find residence
atop the brittle canopy of grief
Surrounded by an abandoned museum
Of bottles, blankets, bedding and expired milk

Finding her on some nights
Curled up in a ball of herself
After prayer
Giving thanks to Allah for the chance at another
And the health of her others

And then losing her again at Fajr
When the heaviness of her *******
Remind her
Return her inside another agonizing re-run

An itinerary of loss
Beginning, middle and end all blurred
Like someone slowly dragged their *****, unkind hand across a wet painting
Whose colors had not yet held firm
Whose picture had not yet formed
Who itself was not ready to be displayed

I bet she thought of all the care
she could not give
and wishes so fiercely that she had
And the surplus of love
That now goes unneeded
Feeds no one
Like an ocean of salt water
Near a people dying of thirst
This scares me the most

You are my protection from this sadness
And I love you for it
I have loved you before it

You too are a vessel that carries,
A horcrux
For all the love I hold for myself
I give to you
Even after you are no longer a clean slate
Even after you have sinned a thousand times over
Both villain and hero

You are my unborn best friend
Best decision yet to be made
Best part of me that I cannot wait to one day
Share this poem with

The engine stalls to a sputtering stop
Puzzling, it seems I'm stuck
Caution tape decorates the side of my sandbox
Sequestered by the elephant-ear leaves of the devils claw.
You never knew the hole was there
Until it announced itself.
Agape
going excitedly to greet its guests

Quick
There's a stick
Stick in the sand
Stick to stab
Stick to hold, but sinking still
Stick to standstill
Still stuck
Stick figure
Still as a tree
Stiff as a board
Bored of the sunken still me
Buried but alive
Praise to the Most High
Ameen

They dont believe its a sinkhole
“You're being dramatic”
Then what's in my lungs!
Languid confabulation
I want to tell you about the ocean
But i only make it to the shoreline
“Surely she's lying”
Shipwrecked are my intentions
And capsized is my laughter
sand is not wet
But it too submerges its victims
Until you can't see them anymore


My sos is just as dangerous
It sinks people too
Sink as in drown
Not as in kitchen
Noncommunial
No communion
Common Union of the non variety
My truth is heavy
A liability to my survival
But i will hold it forever
Don't save me
I do not want to be saved
I wish to live here while the storm passes

And maybe one day
If i am patient enough
Someone will drop a shovel nearby
So I may excavate my own sunken home