It's okay, you don't have to love me
Because if I'm being honest as can be
I've never loved myself anyway
So if you can't see through this filled ashtray,
It's means I'm not worth the time
But it's okay, I'll be fine

One of my worst nightmares
Is sitting in your house with grandma
Except it isn't really yours anymore
But what's so bad about it
Is that it's completely silent
No bees buzzing from the back
No woodwork noises grinding
No mower vrooming
No eggs crackling
Silence
And it's so disturbing
Because the absence of those noises
Means you're really gone

There’s not a lot that I can remember from Before,
But the happy memories
Still stored in my brain
All have a glimpse of you.
Back then, I was clueless,
Falling into your lies that you called love.
But, at the same time, I think I could see the things you did,
I just chose to ignore them.

The empty boxes with a picture of a camel on the front,
In your car, sock drawers, and under the couch.
By day you were an amazing watch
But when I wasn’t in your view
The truth came out

Sometimes
You couldn’t keep your lies straight
And I got confused
But I guess that’s what I get
For being so naïve

I wish I could go back to Before
When all that mattered was
‘My dad cares about me’
And not ‘why is he lying to me’
Because now that’s all I think
When I see you through the window
Smoking on the porch
Thinking you’re so **** discrete

You’re not
You could fit buses
Through the holes in your lies
And, honestly,
I think you’ve always cared more about
Finding time to smoke a cig
Rather than
Finding the time to pay attention to me

I am fifteen
There isn’t much freedom in that number
And my parents are so confusing
But that is what fifteen is
A confusing time

I am fifteen
And my mom gets mad at me for not being social,
Locking myself in my room, away from everyone and everything, to read
But when I try to go out with friends,
Or I finally get a good boyfriend, one that treats me like I am the sun, moon, and the stars themselves,
They get mad at me.
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I don’t have many friends
Because I am weird
But it’s not my fault
I just got so broken
That I felt like normal was too impossible to reach at this point
This is a confusing time

I am fifteen
And I am told that I am beautiful
And ugly
I don’t know who to believe
Because the people who have known me for years
Tell me I am ugly inside and out
And the people who are the light
Entering my life, anew
All say that I am beautiful
Persona and reflection
But I choose to just follow the lead of the first
Because if they’ve known me for years
They know best
And ugly sound like more of a fact
This is a confusing time.

I am fifteen
And the only thing that makes any sense anymore
Is nothing
Because nothing is where everything begins
The deep dark pit of which we dig our hands deep and pull out a new task.

I've been convinced of being in love before
But now I'm not so sure I ever was
Because I know this is it
How I can't explain how I feel
How I can't pick the best thing about you
How I can't get through a day without thinking of you
Smiling at the thought of you
How everyone can tell that I'm head over heels
How I can't even talk about you without blushing
How I can't hide how I feel
I've never felt like this before
And I know this is real love
And I know that nothing before this was
Now patience is the key, but I have faith in this
And I'm keeping this feeling for as long as I can
I'm keeping you for as long as I can
And that's all I need

This was my secret
Not yours to tell
This is the whole reason
I didn’t plan to tell you until later
I wanted to tell brother before you
But somehow it came up in conversation
And now you think
You have the authority to tell whoever you want
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
But now you have
And you are acting like
Super Pride Sister
Because of my secret
This is so like you
To make everything about you
For your reputation
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
And I wasn’t planning on telling you
Because I’m not even sure if I approve of it myself
How is it fair
That my secret
Is about you
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell

How is this even possible?
I have been so unhappy for so long
And then you show up
And somehow I can’t help but smile.

Today was bad
Every aspect
And then I saw you
And felt a smile stretch on my face
Not the fake kind that I use
When I think your problems are more important than mine
The real kind
The kind I can’t control
You were the happiness boost I needed
And it lasted all day

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let my happiness
Depend on another person
Especially a person who could decide to leave
At any moment
But with you I can’t help it
With you it’s so easy
With you nothing is fake

I was told that my longing for full contentment
Will never be fully fulfilled
But you fill my happiness over the brim
And put this smile on my face.

The only words
My mother has ever spoken
That actually stuck in my brain
It shouldn’t be this hard

I love you
But still I find that
You are annoying
And you make my life hell
You say mean things
And you tell me I am ugly
You get mad when I ask you to be nicer
Sometimes you make my life unbearable
Being your little sister is hard

A rock star and a bookworm
Don’t match
An extrovert and an introvert
Don’t match
A loved and an unnoticed
Don’t match

But somehow
You and me
Do

I hate the breeze
Bringing soft chills
I hate the sand
Filling between my toes
I hate the salty smell of the ocean
Stinging my nose
I hate the laughter
Ringing in my ears
I hate the beach
Symbolizing the end of summers
The annual day trip
Not that I don’t mind the school year
Love it actually
It’s just the anxiety of going back again
And feeling like the chalkboard has been erased
Feeling like all you’ve accomplished has gone down the drain
Because the stress of the new year comes
I can tolerate stress
I like to stretch myself thin
Adding so many things to the top of the mountain
To stay out of my house longer, and more frequently
It’s just the anxiety of going back again

Another day
Another year
And still I'm stuck in place right here
A lifetime left, with life you won't get
Why you instead of me?

I thought I’d be strong enough, but it looks like I’m weak
I thought I was smart, but I guess I’m just dumb
I thought I would manage, but I just keep crashing
I thought I’d be different, but I’m just the same
No one wants me, not even myself
I’m not what anyone thought I could be
I’m just the square trying to fit in to the circle’s spot
Too clumsy, big, rugid, and different to fit my own expectations
I said I’d be fine
But I’m not…

There isn’t a whole lot to say at this point
It’s not like you listen anyway
No matter how many tears I shed
It won’t change the fact
That my problems don’t matter to you

I can go so long
Without thinking a minute about you
And then something happens
And my mind slips
And you enter the scene

You shine so bright in my eyes
Even when I’m hating you
And every time, the tiniest things
Draw me back to you
And makes me believe again

But you always find a way
To turn me once again
Back to ignoring the fact that you even exist
Because you take all my happiness away
And make my life hell, even when heaven is your kingdom

It has come to the point
That I don’t feel like talking about this matter anymore
You’ve never listened to my problems
So why should I listen to them either
There just isn’t a whole lot to say at this point

Perfection is the worst
Yet I want it so bad
So everyone will leave me alone.

Perfection is the worst
Because it doesn’t even exist
But it’s still expected of me.

Perfection is the worst
Trapping me in forms
Locking my joints in place.

Perfection is the worst.

Sometimes
It’s hard to think of that other paths
You’d be on if you went a different way
When you came to that fork in the road
But you can’t go back
Only forward
And you have to figure out a way
To make do with the path you’re on
And make it the best **** journey you’ll ever take

The only thing I’ve always longed to be
Is someone special
But I’m not
I am the invisible girl
No one sees
All I’ve ever wanted to be
Is someone special
But I am extraordinarily plain at best
Weird at worst
Not someone worth mentioning
Not someone special

Music is my life
And I’m not even all that great at it
I can barely read music sheets
And I’m far off from having perfect pitch
My singing is sometimes off tune
And I stumble over notes

But to me
While I play Rock Band
And sing Karaoke
I don’t care that I’m not good
I just sing
Because it gives me passion
And sets me free.

I'm sorry
I'm a nice person and I'm sorry
Because I keep forgetting  
That being nice stopped being important
To everybody but me after elementary
I'm sorry
Because I keep forgetting
That I'm made the villain  
For doing the right thing

I don’t remember ever being this happy.
Or at the very least I don’t remember being happier than this.
Who knows, maybe I’m just focusing on the bad parts of life too often.
But I’m not right now.
Right now I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

It’s weird because I feel so full, even on the worst days, that smile makes my day.
And it feels even better when I smile right back.
I feel loose, I feel free, I feel like I need to savor this feeling because maybe it won’t stay long,
But here I am now, I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

I don’t think that phrase will last.
I don’t think I’ll be Unnaturally Happy for much longer.
Maybe never again.
One day, maybe soon, it’ll be normal.
I’ll just be so happy.
So very Happy.

Have you ever just let your fingers run over the keyboard
And looked up to see what you have written
And been shocked
When the first real thing you’ve let yourself think in a while
Has suddenly showed face on the page

If I were to tell a story
Would any of you listen
About a little girl
Three years old
Who was once
Felt as free as a bird
But grew up to be a tied down tornado
Ten year old
Not so little girl
And furthermore
Grew to be an angsty teen
Fourteen years old
Older little girl
And as the days pass
She grows a little older
And life chips away at the brick
That is her life
Until she just becomes a pile of dusty cement
Catching a ride in the wind
Would any of you listen
If I were to tell a story

I’m the kid who is never in trouble
Fears it actually
Every time I’m called to the office
I basically have a panic attack
Wondering what I did wrong
Even though we all know I didn’t do anything

So when I walk into whatever room I need to be in
And the adult tells me what is going on
I relax
But the same thing always happens

So when I’m called down to the counselors office
You’d imagine, I’d be freaked
And I get down there
But this time it’s different

This time they’re noticing the burn on my forearm
Isn’t it funny that the time when it’s nothing but my clumsiness
They notice
But when I was angry
That I wasn’t feeling anything
Not mourning
They never gave me a second glance.

I don’t understand you foolish friends of mine
You all say he is a god
A legend
An idol
But I don’t see it
I think you love my brother more than I do
Only because you see his better side

While I see the brother drawn in by Assassin's Creed
You see the kid who danced with strong motion
And sang with a beautiful voice
Something he technically hated

While I see the brother punching holes in the walls
You see the kid who was a child-like goof
And played like life was a game
Something that he only did for show

While I see the brother who barely has time to talk anymore
You see the kid who would chat for hours on end
And give you all the attention in the world
Something he’d never do for me

You all don’t see him anymore
He moved away from you
But you foolish friends of mine
Still look up to him
Thinking he is the god of show choir

But I see him every now and then
If at all
And I think he’s awful
And I don’t look up to him
...not anymore...
Because in all honesty
He’s always shined for you, never for his little sister
Who just wanted to be like him

And now you’re all disappointed,
Because I can’t live up to his show choir god-like persona

My friend mentioned her mother
She had said something rude
She said, ‘you should be happy’

Now this is coming from a mom who judges her child for being queer
And she expects her kid to be happy still

It’s coming from a mom who knows her child has depression
And she expects her kid to be gleeful still

It’s coming from a mom who forgot about her child’s birthday
And she expects her kid to be joyful still

One comment
Innocent enough
Can make someone lose themselves furthermore
In the dark caves of their brain

Be careful with your words

If life were a musical
I’d sing all day and night
But I don’t sing all that well

If life were a dance competition
I’d dance all day and night
But I don’t dance all that well

If life were a play
I’d act all day and night
But I don’t act all that well

When am I going to step out of my shell?
When will I stop caring about my imperfections?
When will I remember that life is just life?

When will I allow myself to be less than the best?

The page is still blank
I can’t think of words
I can’t put my feelings out there
This God awful white
Needs to be painted
But I can’t find the right color.

Has anyone ever thought about death
Like, really really
Because I refuse to believe that it’s just empty nothingness
Because empty nothingness *****
And I refuse to believe that it is just a deep sleep with dreams
Because sometimes dreams turn into nightmares
And I wouldn’t be able to wake up
That’s not fair
I hope death is more than the ultimate black
Because that means that all the pain I’ve gone through
Was for nothing
And that’s some major BS
Because I’ve been through a lot

I’m worried
That you’re going to get annoyed
I can’t stop thinking
That how my life runs
Will annoy you
But that’s something I can’t help.
I can’t help
That I have to go to my dad’s house
Especially when I haven’t been in two months
And have to catch up on weekends
And I can’t help
That my mom is strict
And my phone usage is restricted
I can’t help
That I have anxiety over the tiniest things
Like being late to class
And I feel like you’re getting annoyed
I’m sorry
I really really am
You matter so much to me
But I’m worried that how my life works
Will annoy you away
And I don’t want that
But I don’t think I can change any of it
I’m still required to go to my dad’s house
And will be until I’m eighteen, probably will go still after
I’m sorry
I’m still living a strict life at home
And I will for as long as I’m related to my family
I’m sorry
And my anxiety controls me
And I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon
I’m sorry
But none of those things stop me from loving you
I’m just worried that they’ll stop you from loving me
I’m sorry