What can I say...
I reflect, and inconsequentally disturbed.
Disturbed by alterations that I cannot control.
I let it be...
But it keeps coming back for more.

I wish I know, but wishing is all I can do.
Fire in my eyes, burning with desire.
A stone in my chest.
A yearning for rest.

Passion evoked but I'm running for more.

With speed I burn out and die alive.
**** me, love me

TAKE ME,
NO CONTROL

But I breathe dark gore

Dark whispers of people, speaking on my presence; as if I don't experience pain and suffering.
I prefer to be real, show authenticity regardless.

On screen and off

I hate attention, I was never one for people...
Still not.
I HATE PEOPLE
I HATE HUMANS

I hate the fame
I never wanted that attention

Now I have to worry about my publicity and media like a 24/7 job
WHO CARES WHAT THEY SEE, OR WHAT THEY DON'T SEE

I never cared, never will
I just want to live my passion and enjoy myself whilst doing it

It all reminds me, the **** that I've been through, the **** that I've seen. The people I have dealt with, and the memories that are daunting upon me.

Was it really all worth the pain?

To live in a world that is so fake, to be surrounded by insecure clones all trying to be each other. It's petty and so below me.

I prefer to alienate from it all. I prefer to be so detached from the external that is doesn't even bother me.

I grow resentful, a disturbing anger and hatred.
Bitter, grotesque, obsolescence is no more.

Nothing ever matters at the end.
People, they come, they go.
The days and years go faster than they come.
At the end, I was made from dust and ill just go back to that.

I don't know how to feel
Or what to feel

Exhausted, fatigue
In bed the whole day, not a poem, just a reflection.

I'm dazed out, in hibernation.
Ghosting everyone.

No will to do anything.
Just Exhausted

I hate this learnership.
I hate being here.
I am drained, unhappy, dissatisfied, and not at ease.

I am underpaid, and not where I need to be.
They don't even let us drink their coffee.
I come here wanting to go back home.
My actual career is taking off, but I haven't started getting an income from my career, as its still in its beginning phases.

This still brings me an income, and I get a qualification out of it.

Those are the only positives, there's a steady income coming in every month.
I have backup with a learnership.
But, I am not happy.
I hate it here, I wish I could work from home.
I want to go home, I don't want to be here.
I actually want to cry.
I am completely exhausted.

Love
An overrated term. Yet meaningful in existence.
For all that I see, hear, touch, smell, and feel.
I seem to not feel the love I desire.
I want someone to look at me and want me.
I want someone to need me.
Or maybe, I'm just a little liar.

Maybe I deflect, and object.
Maybe I conceive and fumagate.

Maybe the love I want is too powerful for anyone to give me.

No, I am not lonely, but it would be nice.
To have such, to feel such.
To have loving eyes look at you like you the only person in their eyes.
To have a touch that only the deepest seas could bare.

My heart is frozen, my hands are cold.
Shivering in cold heat.
Beat, I may defeat.

The battle, the inflicted pain.
The emotion, inner turmoil down the drain.
May I only feel the deep love one day.
For I wish, I bury myself six feet deep.
Love.
An overrated term, but meaningful in existence

I realized, I can't live without you.
What has it come to.
I feel straddled, scared, not secure.
Up and down, tumbled like a roller-coaster.
Bipolar complexities and nuclear power.
Brains at an over load.
Overthinking , over-analyzing obsessive thoughts of you.
It's annoying, draining, completely mentally exhausting.
I am drawn out, fatigue, over blown.
Overstimulated.

I want you out of my head.
Leave.
Escape my thoughts so I can be at peace.

Split personalities playing mind games again.
The heart of an angel, mind of a joker, the soul of a devil.
Which is which?
Are they all replicas of me?
Versions of me, the worst.
It's black and its white.
Which side wants to be seen today?

Pick one

I hate my life.
My life has no meaning without you.
I don't want to do anything.
I don't want to meet anyone.
I don't want to go out.
I ****** Hate everything.
I wish I had you back.

Hermiting.

Stuck in my shell.
I miss you

The odds are against me.
I have lost.
Depression and in anguished pain that I cannot even get myself out of.
Obsessively fixated on you.
My mind is chaos.
I have a headache from all the thinking.
On my phone all day.
No will, motivation or strive to do anything.
Exhausted, fatigue.
Blown out.
Sick of the crying.
The crying makes my head sore.
I can't seem to escape the misery.
No one to talk to.
No one to tell how I feel.
I feel alone.
Driven by pain.
Can't get my thoughts away from you.
I miss you.
I hate the fact that I had to ghost you, kinda cut you off.
I want you, I love you, I need you, I crave you, I wish I could have you.
I have hit the rock bottom way down.
I hate my life.
I hate you.
I am angry, completely ******* at you.
Yet, I miss you.
Why did you do this!!?????

Why????!!!!

I miss you.
I wish I had you.
I hate this distance between us.

Dreaded in agony
Exhausted, mental fatigue
Depressed...
Things hitting a low steep
Inner turmoil and chaotic confusions

Space needed, emotions at a very high peak
Saddened by the thought

What misery
Space, I need to be alone

Leave me be
I'm exhausted

I guess I could say, I've emotionally detached from myself, my feelings.
The longing, the pain, the yearning
It disappeared.
Like thin air, ice dripping, frozen, hard.
Cold sweat.

I have it all.
One could say I'm the luckiest person they've ever met.
I live in a luxurious home, I have a high authoritive position in my job, I'm in the process of living my dreams and becoming famous.
I'm glowing, my skin has never been so radiant.
I'm happy.

Yet, the snowflakes fall in my heart, and it feels like I've become....
Nothing.

So detached
A piece of me is trembling and fighting for that pure feeling.

I've invested myself into my goals, my work, to the point of not even feeling or needing love.

Everything is so pointless to me like the drip of a million raindrops that don't hit the ground.

Withering and floating in the air, left to wander.

I am complete.
Yet, a deep part of me still wants that intense love.
To feel is pain
To touch is lightning

But now, I feel nothing

Life, in all its forms and shapes.
Weeping eyes and willows of dark days.

I wallow to myself, tears fall beneath me.
Addictions to things I could never afford, attachments to things I could never hold.

***, money, love
It's all seems  meaningless, superficial.
But it isn't.
*** is powerful, it's intimate and creates a physical bond.
Money is tangible, it's creates images and status. It gets you things to survive.
Love is magical, strange, and completely insane.

Overthinking every thought and detail in my mind till I explode in hopeless mental trauma.
Thinking myself into my own darkness, where nightmares do not escape.
Detachment is beautiful but what is attachment if it hurts?
Hurts to get attached to anything.

Like the pull of opposite directions intertwining you.

Stop my mind.
Stop my addictions.
Stop my secretions.

I'd rather be blind

Sometimes I think to myself...
Will this detachment ever free me?

These meaningless hookups...
These one night stands...
These flings...

I'm tired of it all.
Will I ever find true love?
Will I ever have an intimate and passionate moment with someone that is based on more than just the physical?
It saddens me to think about.

I crave closeness...
Emotional intimacy.
*** based on love and soul.

Yes I love ***...
But I'm tired of these meaningless situations.
Tired of it all.
I want more

Isolation.
A dark place.
A cramped up room.
Empty pieces of sanity lying all over.
The walls, pale and thick.
The ache, heartless and as heavy as a brick.
Lying awake, eyes wide open, electrocuted in agony.
Senseless are my nerves, numb is my disposition.
Cold, my body shivers.
My pain concealed.
Left bruised.

Trust no one.
She said, voice grasp and low.

Elongated, fragmented, withered up in a lifeless skeleton.
Bones, shattered, cracked and hardly repairable.

In the darkness I call your name, I see no one, not a sound heard.
Headphones on, diluting and blocking all the extra background noise.
I wish...
But no one answers

Silence
Sweating but freezing, hot but cold.
Ice on fire.
My nightmares, to unfold.

It hurts...
Like a stabbed wound being punctured with nails.
Stop hurting me.
Why??
I ask.
Why must I suffer in silence like this.
I sometimes wonder if my loneliness shows on the outside.
The way I shake and quiver on the inside.
Burnt to pieces.
Torn apart and bruised.
Broken.
Lost in the abyss.
The torturous darkness of emptiness and pain.
It hurts.
Stop.
I don't want to be this lonely.

Alone, lost.
Forbidden.
Trapped in financial constraints.
Stuck in bed.
No hope left.
Don't really care anymore.
Bored, drained, flat out.
Done.
I'm going to be alone forever.
This is what I get for being a good person.
Cutting everyone I can't trust off.
There's no one left.
I'm left here to rot.
Ridiculed.
I want to die

And just like that, as quick as the fire burns, it burns out.
I'm already over it.
You no longer consume me, or burden my thoughts.
I am free.
No one on my mind.
It only took a few days and I'm completely over it.
I feel indifferent, no emotions or validation towards it.
Focusing on myself, my health, my money, my body.
Self love and value at its finest.
Whos knows if we will ever speak again.
Honestly, I don't care.
I'm just living my life.

I'm bored, I'm confused, I'm depressed.
I'm in my head and it's creating all types of illusions and disillusionment.
I am perplexed and stuck between many contradictory thoughts.
I am over analyzing, over thinking, and completely consumed by this.
It's painful, I'm in dread.
But I don't want this to be over between us.
It's a painful ending but its temporary.
Boredom leads to many conflictions, resulting in destruction.
I have nothing to distract myself from you.
I'm ****** analyzing, fantasizing, and completely taken out of reality.
Maybe if I had something to do it would be a different story.
Work is slow, they haven't called me back as yet.
I've been sitting at home trying to save money.
I've been bored out of my mind.
Depressed and isolated.
No will or drive to do anything but sit in bed and cry waterfalls.
I am completely hurt and in pain.
All by overthinking.
I just want to do nothing but sleep.
I have no will do to anything else.
I am gloomy, sulky, ridiculed.
I shouldn't be overthinking you or this situation but I am.
I can't control it.
I am stuck in my room 24/7.
No will to go out.
No one to see.
I dont really have any friends.
I am a loner.
I cut people off for valid reasons so I basically have no one left.
No one to talk to.
Maybe this deep connection between us is comforting to me because you the person I can talk to about anything and you always understand.
I see through you.
I feel you at a subconscious level.
I feel your soul, your depth, your emotions.
And I don't just feel this way about anyone.
And it's been years, as stated in my last poem.
So all of these feelings are coming up to the surface again and I don't know how to deal with them.
Maybe I'm just craving your physical presence.
I am so alone and you completely see me for me.
No one else ever did.
But you do.
**** I can go on writing about you Tim, but I shouldn't.
A heart of glass starstruck by your magnitude.
I am in awe.
And I want to be with you.
It isn't over between us.

The chance to show how talented I actually am.
The chance to perform on stage.
The chance to be on TV.
The chance to dance in music videos.
The chance to be in magazines covered in poise.
The chance to win an award, a Grammy.
The chance to get my trophy 🏆
It's more about the passions I have, and about me wanting to perform those passions, in dramatic visuals.
Making the stage light up when my feet take steps, making the people scream to the centre of attention I bring.
THE CHANCE TO SHOWCASE MYSELF AND MY PASSIONS TO THE WORLD.
That's all I ever wanted...

Thoughts are consumed...
Raptured in the memory.
Emotions are intense, I feel them at the highest of my capabilities.
I want to to cry, but drowning in black blood is not what I intentionally have in mind.
I get consumed, by every guy I am with.
Hookup, relationships, flings.
I can't control it.
And it overtakes my whole being until I have to force myself to detach from it.
This new guy, that I want to be with, forever.
I'm already overthinking and analyzing it way into the future where it shouldn't even be.
It's long distance, and we communicate over the phone 24/7.
But it's not enough, I want him here, I want him now.
The anticipation is building, the tower is forming, I don't want it to collapse.
I want him now!
He's only moving here in April.
I'd have to wait this long just to see the love of my life.
In sadness and gloom, I ponder.
Boredom strikes and I have no one to talk to.

I cut the friends with benefits off, I realized the energy was toxic and it wasn't going to be good for me in the long run.
However, I was completely consumed by him too.
At least I'm over it now, but now this other guy stays on my mind like it's last drainage of blood left.
It's like my mind needs to have men on it, or if it's doesn't, it stays and dwells in endless boredom that leads to a dark depression.
Feelings are deep, the waves hit the rocks in the black ocean.
I see nothing but him.
I only want to be with him.
But I say this about every guy I'm with, so what makes this one any different?

EMOTIONS AS DARK AS THE DEATH OF TORTUROUS BODIES AND WALL SCRATCHING.
A SURGE OF PAIN INFLICTION AND HEAVY TOXICITY, FAINTEST TO THE TOUCH.
I FEEL MY MIND LURKING, IN PLACES WHERE THEY SHOULDN'T BE.

We agreed that this relationship with one another will be polyamorous.
Yet, I'm getting jealous, possessive thoughts at the sight of him with anyone else but me.
I literally only want to use other guys as a pitiful distraction, nothing more, nothing less.
This is painful.

I want to...
Stop thinking.
Switch my mind off.
My senseless thoughts, consumed by thoughts of him.
I don't know if we're good for each other...
I don't think I care.
I miss him, I want to see him again.
This connection, it's strange.
I have no concord on what to think about it.
But I can't stop thinking about him.
Thinking about all the red flags.
Thinking about what might happen.
Fears, worries, anxieties.
Bad memories from the past creeping in.
"What if he ends up doing those same things to me"
What if my past pops up in the form of him.
What if he hurts me.
I'm scared.
Should I ghost him and never talk to him again?
Complexities reaching higher levels.
My minds not at ease.
Stop, please.

When I'm alone, the thoughts start coming in.
Darker and more seductive than ever.
Like *** and erotica is my addiction, my infatuation, my drug.
I crave it in obsolescence.
But having these thoughts are not good for me...
I Should learn my lesson, but I never do.
A friends with benefits situation will never work out.
It always leads to something one way or another.
The *** was too good.
Explosive, passionate, hot, and ****** fiery.
To have *** like that again and end up not feeling anything for each other.
That's impossible.
It will turn out to be a complicated situation.
I stay away from hookups and one night stands for this reason.
I can't help but overthink, overanalyse.
It awakens deep emotions in me that I can't escape.
I wonder if he feels the same way after the ***.
He seems to be wanting to detach from me in order to protect himself.
On the other hand, I can't have him, he's temptation that I can't resist.
This is why I hold myself back from ***.
My *** is powerful, raw, ******, and uncut.
Either way, I have a guy that I actually want to be with in the future.
I see long-term lover potential in this other guy and I can't waste that away by causing complications with the friends with benefits guy.

This is the guy I probably will end up marrying one day, I cant waste that all away on another guy that can't be with me.
I can't be with him either, I don't want to.
I want the guy I'm supposed to be with.
But the *** has me thinking otherwise.
This happens every time I have fun with a guy, it never turns out well.
Yet my desires and temptations are speaking for itself.
I want to more than ever, to **** me inside out.
Rough, and slow and magnetic as the pressure builds up.
I can't stop thinking about his ***, his ****, his mind.
It was too powerful to ignore.
I wonder if he feels the same about my ***.
I need to get this off my mind, but I merely can't resist such temptation.

I miss what I used to have.
One can say, I'm not satisfied.
I gained success and I guess I never had that before.
But the other needs are missing.
Ever since I moved to this city, everything changed.
I lost my social life, I haven't been able to make friends here.
I've been lonely.
I've been gaining wealth and financial freedom, but what's it all worth.
I feel like I have nothing, and my guts are draining from my lymphatic system.
I was struggling for 5 years before I made it to this point, at my old city.
The hustle and the bustle never stopped  and I wasn't getting anywhere.
This new city brought me opportunities I never had.
But the people never phased me.
I have no one here.
It's way too slow for me.
I need it fast.
I AM BORED.
CONSTANTLY, WHICH IS LEADING TO NERVE ACHING TENSE DEPRESSION THAT CONSUMES MY SOUL AND LEAVES IT TO RUST.
I'm excited for future , my career is going to take off and I'm going to live the life I want.
But I don't want to be alone.
Aching in misery.
Where is my person?
What is this punishment?
I feel tormented.
Ravished by my own thinking.
To the pits of hell and back.
Where I've died and become reborn, over and over.
Like a scorpion in its cave.
I have it all but its worth nothing.
And I don't want to die here in loneliness just thinking about my last days.

The loneliness still stays, lingering like a stained piece of cloth.
No one to talk to.
Just no one.
Alone and dreaded.
Disappointed and bored.
Dissatisfied and strung out in all correlations.
I feel empty, alone to the darkest pits of me.
Solitude does not feel good anymore.
Depressed and rejection.
Cold and miserable.
Nothing to help.
Get me out of here.

Deeply ridden, ached by the tension.
As the wind blows so elegantly, shifting in dimensional proximity, I feel the yearnings and pull of what is lost and what it is I need.
Fantasizing until my imagination is knotted in the loophole.
I hit a gentle fall, a wave of melancholic nostalgia.
My words have slowly puzzled itself.
I cannot seem to express what is really ******* inside.
My depth is no longer to be heard or seen.
The bright light hits my eyes, burning at the glare.
I write in senseless disposition.
Trying to reposition.
Sexually repressed.
Wanting the intimacy and craving *** like my nerves have exploded.
But my heart, it stops me.
My mind, it controls me.
My yearning of what I truly want Disciplines my desires.
Contradictions at stake.
My earth is about to quake.

A light so bright, I burn at a height.
A fire raging inside with a passion to fight.
I feel the flames, ignite as I let myself be free, from this cage.
Untamed, unhinged, a warrior, the battle within.
Every scar, every stitch, every sting...
It tortured me, wounded me, yet I am still burning.
However, I feel the loneliness still.
I still wish I had someone, to love.
Intimacy I crave, deep emotion, a love so purely impure it could burn the shadows.

My passion and fire within, it needs someone to burn with.
Or am I to be alone?

A light so bright, I burn the shadows.
Yet, she's fighting alone.
Conquering alone.

Where is my love?

My past, a faint memory I subconsciously hold onto.
Letting it all go, but still in the midst of moving on from painful memories and connections that at one stage buried me six feet deep.
I still hear the calls of the voices, the intricate echoing beneath the endless silence.
As if moving on is more of a task, then the road to actual happiness.
The person I am now, too strong to even let a man in, even though it's love that I deeply crave.
Too in control to let go of the hold, the grip.
Too in charge to let someone else lead the way.
I can't ever imagine it.
Letting myself be loved and touched again.
It's been a decade.
I've been alone to the point of comfort.
A sense of peace.
Over a year, and I'm celibate and independent.
A man is she and a woman she looks like.
I'm scared to give my control away.
I've worked too hard.
But it's love that I crave, and these deep feelings from the past still taunt me.
No friends, just mere acquaintances.
Too scared to take that risk with people.
Moving on, but still holding.

I feel numb, detached, cold, hardened.
Locked away, kept a secret.
No one to have, no one to talk to.
No one who understands.
I feel alone, left withering.
No one who supports me.
I feel emotionally emotionless.
I feel like dying.
I feel like this anguish will never end.
Left in a prison cell, to rot.
I feel helpless, like I can't breathe, gasping for air, catastrophic.
Help me.
Burnt to ash, cold stone.
No one who understands my pain.
No one who I can trust.
Distant, wavering in lonely distraught.
Tears of blood burn my eyes.
What's next?
Wanting to **** myself but scared of the physical pain that I would have to endure in order to die.
Left alone.
No one to talk to.
No one who cares.
Left to rot, in my prison cell.

I have reached the end.
My skin ripped off, my nerves ready to be eaten, my guts being burned.
I feel empty motionless pain recurring.
Intensely overwhelmed, formidable fatigue, exhaustion, constant hollowness lurking around my soul.
EMPTY.
ALONE.
MISERY HAS TAKEN ME TO DARKER DEPTHS THAT I HAVE NEVER LURKED.
Suicidal again.
Nihilism has not even seen my darkest day.
Fake happiness.
Deception to cover up the sacred scars ridden within.
I am horrified.
Reaped of deadly hallows, nothing but sadness, constant pain.
Tears of blood soak my pillow every night 🌙

Waking up with a fake smile so I never frown.
Exploding in volatile anger and screaming until my lungs pop open.
My emotions are raw, open and ready to be at war.
I am not weak, but I am not happy.
I am guarded, protecting myself at all deadly costs.
Anxious, in panic.
In the lair, in my prison.
Locking myself away.
The devils demons living around me.
HATE.
THATS ALL I FEEL.
ENERGY IS DRAINED.

I ****** HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!
Cut me with my sharpened knife.
Deeply scarred, damaged 💔

I just don't care anymore.
I want it all to end.
Why be forced to live in this prison?
This earth, living as a human.
I hate humans.
I hate having to escape every ****** ****** day just to prevent myself from thinking what I actually feel because its so ****** true and real.

I'm trapped on this earth and I can't get out.
How did Amy winehouse **** herself?
How did they all do it?
I've tried, many times, yet too scared to feel the pain before death.
I want to die.
My lives have been lived.
I have seen enough.
I want out.
Stop torturing me!!!!!!!
Conversations from others that I hear constantly.
They always talking about me.
I don't want to hear it.
I want to be left alone.
I don't like the people here.
I feel ****** alone and empty.
COMPULSIVE CLEANING AND WORKING TO ESCAPE THE REALITY.
THIS IS MY REALITY, THIS IS MY LIFE.

For my time has ended, my death is overdue

Staying up, thinking about it.
The last time our eyes met, our skin touched, our demons lurked, in a bath of wet sins.
The love that was made, forbidden, hard, and faintest to the touch.
The force was so strong, I think the fire couldn't even handle it.
What I would do to see you again, talk to you.
Just to hear that you felt it too.
I can't explain it.
But it was something I've never felt before.
The nightmares seems as distant as before.
I lay awake, not knowing my next quake.
Like the storm already ravished every part of me leaving me to burn alone.
I see the cracks in the shade, hiding, not knowing.
Knowing when I will see you again.
It was unforgettable.
So extreme, to the point that seeing other people is completely pointless.
I've given up even trying.
Until our lips touch, our eyes meet.
To get this closure I so desperately need.

It's coming up again, I don't want it to though.
Deep feelings arise as you hit my thoughts.
I have everything I could ever want in life, but you.
And the riches I get won't count, the wealth, the security, the status, the power.
I want all of that, with you.
In hopes of getting that true love that I have been waiting what feels like a lifetime for.
I want this partnership.
I feel the rush, the spark hits, the ball drops.
Energetically heavy.
I show optimism and positivity everyday.
I have it all, but a part of me has nothing.
I feel sad when I'm alone.
Everything from deep within comes to the surface like raw emotions trembling to start.
It all means nothing.
I'm lonely, and misunderstood by everyone around me.
They only see what I show, not what is inside.
I am begging to Start over and receive this love I deserve. ❤️
I don't want to die here, not now, not when I have just begun.
The fame, the status, what will it ever matter when I am this lonely.
Detached from all life and people around me.
It bleeds to think about.
I am here, but maybe I shouldn't be

The deep ocean beyond her words when she speaks.
A soft voice with a loud rampage that comes unexpectedly.
The water that's her blood.
The fire that's her lungs.
The earth that's her heart.
The air that's her soul.
Moving swiftly, with a rugged elegance that cannot be pinned down.
She rages like a volcanic eruption where all her pain then pours out of her where humans fear.
Dare not to go near her.
An angel, a goddess, with a devils glare.
Her eyes on high alert like a raven that's hunting its prey.
Showing a false side of who she is, to the world, to protect what is dear to her.
Cannot seem to let go, yet, she tries.
Darkness in her name, but a light so pure it's destined to burn the shadows.
The evil that lurks, she dances in it, but takes the flame and burns it away.

This person is me, lost and in pain, but nevertheless fighting to see what love can bring.
Love is stronger that pride, may it overshadow what my pride has made me.
Turned me to stone, so cold, distrusting, scared.
Scared of what people will do to me.
Scared of what people will take from me, hurting me.
Yet my light is waiting to be shined, dimensional shifting.
I feel the hatred and negativity of other people projected onto me.
Constantly self protecting, I cannot find peace and be one with myself without someone gossiping or relentlessly talking about me.
I feel the worst form of energies being directed onto me.
Behind closed doors, where they are too scared to face their own fears.
I keep to myself, and find my self.
Where love outshines, and weakens the pride.
Love is stronger than pride, I hope I will find that true love I deserve, one day.
Love is stronger than pride, stronger than the ego of others.
My love is my darkness and light.
My love is my strength.
My love is true, worthy, and highly valuable.
My own love is stronger than pride.
My own loves defeats your ego, and overshadows your lies.

The disturbance, constant eyes and mouths chattering as I move, live, do, achieve, prosper and work.
What is it?
My energy? My drive? My determination? My  ambition?
Does my empowerment and goal driven personality threaten you?
Does my limitless knowledge and thrill to learn make you feel stupid?
Does my hot body and love for exercise make you feel ugly?
Does my enthusiasm to achieve and gain my dreams and goals scare you?

What is it? Because while I am out here working myself to the top, you wasting the last cent you have on your need to sustain.
Stagnency, inefficiency, and unproductivity is not in my name or my blood line.
My mother made it to the top, and I am a product of just that. We have the earth running in our veins, the fire burning in our souls, the water rummaging beneath where the ignorant are too afraid to lurk.

DOES MY POWER THREATEN YOUR LACK OF MOTIVATION AND LACK OF PASSION?

DO YOU LOVE/HATE ADMIRE ME BECAUSE YOU WISH YOU HAD THAT SAME CONFIDENCE?

It's all in me, best believe, God is a ****** woman, and the Devil is too.

Dismantled, distressed, distractions by thoughts.
When I am alone, the thoughts creep up.
Is it real? Or are they my feelings?
I want to bury myself, hide forever.
Hopeless, maybe I should walk on heated burning stones, to feel something.
Noises around me...
It's so quiet.
Back inside, my cocoon, it's safe.
No one can find me, hurt me.
Forced to interact with people, even when I don't want to.
I have to go to work, and talk to these lifeless sheep like they mean something, detached in my interactions.
LEFT ALONE.
I love it.
Stones on the floor, I stare deep into the ground, cover myself in mud, burn me alive.
I ingulf in the flames.
The final isolation.
Solitude is complete.
I want to be alone forever.
Dancing in despair that I seem to rid myself harder into like hitting myself into a wall.
I wish people did not exist.
I wish I was alone forever, really.
I am intertwined in my web, meticulously designed and intrigued into one.
I want to stay, hibernate forever in my coven.

No one around, no one in my business, no-one in my space.
I want alone.
Leave.
I DONT LIKE PEOPLE.
Being forced to go to work tomorrow is a drag.
End the nightmare, the bottomless choas and lonesome feelings I endour

Loneliness is intrusive.
I hate people.
But I need company.
I'm picky, selective.
I want to be alone.
I don't trust people.
Paranoid.
The worst comes to mind.
In bed.
Chained in my own contradictions.
Pessimism, no hope.
Quiet, withdrawn.
Stuck in my mind.
Escaping this toxic situation I'm in.
I feel blind, don't be kind.
The prison cell.
The illusion of chaos rummaging in distortion.
Don't look at me.
I feel pain, misery, Loneliness, misunderstood.
Hated for who I am.
Let me out

My thoughts, are just thoughts.
Coming and going as they please.
Fragmented, I am broken down in tease.
Too scared to take the risk.
Not enough money to go out and see people.
Its expensive, just for company.
Locked in my palace of solace and despair.
I surrender to what I am hiding from the world.
Keeping all connections online.
Staying as isolated one can get.
Scared to take the risk.
Put myself out there.
Guarded.

Laying around, intensely in my mystery.
Isolated and all by myself.
Alone, keeping my distance.
Depressed and saddened.
Anguished by my own thoughts.
People, nosy people in my energy.
I can feel it like a ***** of my finger and the rush of blood through my veins.
Childsplay, like flies in my spider web.
They love to talk about me, good and bad.
They love to be obsessed with me and give me their power.
They love to talk, gossip.
Petty little flies.
Smash them, and let me have my privacy, my secrecy and my thoughts to myself.
Expressing myself out loud but not feeling safe in my private lonesome space.
Toxic, negative, indifferent.
THEY OBSESSED WITH ME.
MAKING ME EVEN MORE POWERFUL THAN I ALREADY AM.
Intuition on high alert and picking up on things around me like a cat.
I can feel it, see it, hear it.
The peasantry lurks, yet, they can't break me, it's sad, ain't it.

I want to feel, the rapture, the tear, the motion ripped apart and split into two.
I want to feel the divulgence of my thoughts, fears, emotions, and hidden agendas cascaded into yours.
The coming together of two, where sin begins and shadows dare not lurk into the love, the eroticism created.
A master, a Genius, a creator.
Where you and I will write our stories for many to see, before and beyond mankind.
Unveil my thoughts and open my desires.
Dark red blood wine, dripping down my lips as I write.
Lips as succulent as Thorned roses.
One bite, you might just fall, but dare not to sink deeper because of the hidden treasures that lurk beneath.
Like a tornado, a rush of the wind and the strike of a breeze.
But as still as the mountains we climb.
Honey, I'm on fire and I'm waiting for you to burn in my dungeon, alive, and eternal.
My legs quake, quiver, I drip of sensual wetness.
My dreams of only holding you close and wanting more
Intoxicating, I am drenched.
Open the treasure, and take what you deserve, if it's me that you worked and earned for.
Kiss me, daddy, I want to feel my heart explode.
Where my mind asks for more.

In a state of nerve aching despair.
My surrounding has me paranoid 24/7
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
THEY WON'T SHUT OUT.
THEY WON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT ME, GOSSIPING, AND PRYING INTO MY LIFE AND PRIVACY.
THEY TOOK MY PRIVACY AWAY.
THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE.
I try so hard everyday to block it out, and stop them.
I try so hard to detach my energy, keep my distance from these narcissists.
Insecure ******' enemies watching my every move.
I can't just live, I can't just exist, I can't get any peace.

I want to sleep forever, so I never hear it.
I want to move out!!
I HATE THIS ENVIRONMENT
They won't leave me alone.

There is nowhere to go.
Stuck in frozen anguish, no help, no way out.
Depressed, angry, bitter.
On this motionless turmoil of pain and suffering.
I feel projected on.
They bring out my worst.
I constantly need to protect myself.
These demons, these scoundrel's.

Drained and drowned out.
I have become nothing.

I don't need to be.
I don't need to be anything.
The daunting presence, the inner world.
The shadow, the darkest and rawest form of oneself.
I seem I have not yet uncovered everything I know.
Depressed, unknown to why.
Purging uncontrollably.
Facing myself again.
My inner world.
The dark side in its rawest form.
Everything I am, what I did.
The spite, the resent, the bad things I did to people, unintentionally, out of anger, revenge, hurt, fear.
Yet, I judge others.
How crude of me.
Self-aware but nihilistic.
I've hit a dark place in my mind.
Swimming in deep, deep down.
Am I a bad person?

Maybe...
It was something I have waited for, for years, maybe even lifetimes.
Contemplating.
I have unwavering thoughts.
Reaching a state of consciousness, higher than before.
Trying to grasp hold, to take it into my hands.
Cannot seem to get it, yet.
I am not surprised, nor astonished.
I am not wildly inspired either.
The information, the clarity, the vision.
I need the facts.
Something needs to be shown to me regarding my family, even though my intuition already knows it.

Push and pull, the romantic union.
It's already here.
But it hasn't knocked on my door, as yet.
I can feel it.
I can sense it.
It's waiting for me to take the leap.

I wish I knew...
Knew what to do next.
The only thing I want to do is cry.
Stuck in the deepest wet mud like a serpent shedding its own skin and only waiting to see what's next.
I'm lost, but my philosophy is, all explorers get lost, don't they?
With constant transformations and changes, I struggle to adapt to my own lifestyle.
It all happens so fast, in the blink of an eye, without slow motion effects.
Anticipated, deprecated, impatient.
Waiting in pain, like a poisonous snake bite eating you up inside.
Waiting for the venom to be ****** out.
Consuming to every part of my being, like being stuck in a prison is underestimated.
This is worse...
This is skin prickling and soul shackling like shapes are out of order and the world is inside out.

I felt happiness, once.
When I got out and got some help.
Loved, supported, understood, not judged, accepted.
I was there for two weeks.
The depressing thoughts kept hitting me; ****, I still need to go back home.
I HATE IT THERE
THE ANXIETY, NERVES, AND ANGER CAME IN.

I'm never happy when I'm here.
I'm stuck in a spiraling tower like a dark Rapunzel cut her hair and had no way down.
Optimistic, faith, positive, I still find a way to keep grounding, yet, I'm the hero of my own story.
The only way out is through me, I need to make the change and get out ASAP.
YET, external situations have me trapped, it's out of my control.
I have no choice but to wait, no matter how hard I try to make things happen, it's just not happening.
I am my own hero, I fight my own battles, and win them every time, but somehow I can't win this one.
It requires a sense of patience and stagnancy that I cannot handle or tolerate.

Short-term fixes are my only solutions but that's left me broke and caged in more.
Zero impulse control, I can't help it.
I want out, I need my financial freedom.
I can't do this anymore.
Contradicted, rehabilitated, bored, and lack of full freedom.

I don't even have the words to express.
I think about you constantly, without even trying to.
You fill my thoughts with these experiences that I can't seem to get a hold of.
I want to hold you, kiss you, feel you penetrating deeply.
The love I have for you is unimaginable, it's not something even I can comprehend.
This connection, like a strong magnetic pull that burns every muscle in me.

When will I see you again?
Where are you?
You in my thoughts, manifesting me.
This intense pull of entrancing enigma.
It is to burn me to my grave.

Come to me now ❤️

Trapped in my own dungeon of despair.
My insides have ruptured and my thoughts have exploded.
Looking into a morbid tunnel that leads to deception, pain, lies, betrayal, disloyalty, and distrust.
I bleed profusely ripped open with nothing left but agony rippling through my nerves like my limbs have been removed and hung on the dry lands to be eaten by the rotten humans.

I try to protect what I have, dear to me.
My heart, my soul, my peace.
But those around me only want to take it away.
Like vultures looking for the last drop of something they don't have.
In my deep privacy, they lurk with widened eyes and ***** mouths waiting for the next bomb to explode into fire🔥

Stomach is growling, my voice deepened.
I plunge into rage.
Impulse on ten, not a drop of remorse.
Wasteless creatures that taunt my rippling despair.
Leave, I don't want to ****

I'm screaming to get out.
Dying to be set free.
Stuck in a place where people are out to get me.
Stuck in a negative and toxic household.
Nowhere to run, my feet are itching but glued.
People surrounding me are not for me.
My people are out there, somewhere.
LOST, CONFUSED.
I just finished repeating highschool as an adult, but I am scared I did not pass.
I am waiting for results so I can finally get a job and gain stable financial independence.
I have been waiting for my breakthrough for years.
I am lost and alone, fighting for a cause only I seem to care about, going about on my YouTube channel.
People around me are shallow, ignorant, and hate my truth.
They are not my cup of tea.
I want my soul tribe, the people who understand me for me.
Being authentic and original is my second nature.
If they can't accept me for me, then why do they still obsess over, and admire me?

Copycats and fake narcissists can't break me, I have worked too hard and built up way too much strength to let anyone take that away.

Hate me?
Then stop trying to clone me.

The minds gateway to experience life and the unknown.
Without thought, we are dared not to explore what our minds create.
We invest our time in knowledge and mind expansion.
Yet, we know nothing, or wish we knew more.
I wish to write in more clear accuracy, but to think is to explore.
What are we speaking or writing if we haven't experienced what we are teaching.
The less I know, the more I absorb.
A mental sponge, excreting information like I breathe.
It's a bliss but a curse all at once.
The mental dungeon ties me in my own ropes, the addiction is all habitual and in my mind.
What are we without it?
Who are we if our thoughts don't create our physical and our perceptions.
Our thoughts, our soul, our words, we speak millions, yet, we don't know enough.
Curiosity freed the cat, or we wish it did.

Running thoughts rummaging in chaos.
High alert and low activation.
Instability and confusion in confliction.
I write with uneasiness.
Leave me alone, give me a break.
Let me be.
*******.
I've done enough.
I need a break.
Something to help me get away.
These toxic energies that surround me.
Draining to my every capability.
I need to get away.
I need a friend, someone who will be there.
Someone to get away with, run away from everything.
I've had enough.
Negative people and draining energies.
Get me out of this environment.
It's not good for me.
I need to get out of this chaos, to find peace, love.
Rummaging thoughts and conflicting chaos.
Help me escape this mess.
Toxic to my every being.
My nerves on high.
Panic attacks and anxiety every **** day.
I can't breathe anymore.
Unstable and flighty and constantly fighting with myself.
Up down up down my emotions are running.
On this rollercoaster, I don't feel at ease.
I am not balanced or grounded.
From one extreme to the other, I cannot find the middle.
Overthinking and over-analyzing until my brain explodes.
Black and white, where my complexities stay distracted and contradicted.
I can't sit down and breathe.
Too much going on, too much on my mind.
Set me free, I cannot take this lightly.
I am going off the train track.

I've been, at a loss for words.
Drowned profusely in my own fears, nightmares, horrors and blockages of my own.
Scared to take the first step, confused and in a state of loss and emptiness.
Scared to put myself out there.
I've been, hateful, judgmental, bitter, spiteful.
I lost motivation.
I don't know what I want to do with my life, with myself.
I've started to hate men to the core and I turned into a bitter self sabotaging demon.
I deleted my online poetry book because I was getting no money for it from my bank, because of currency fees.
I have no idea what to do next once I complete my studies.
I am at a loss for words.
I feel empty, bitter, lonely, and full of misery.
I don't want to see people or leave the house.
I don't want to deal with people.
I don't want to talk to anyone about my issues, it's pointless, it won't change how I feel.
I have a hatred towards people.
Something inside of  me that I cannot control.
My pride, my ego.
It's trying to protect me, keep me safe.
I don't ever want to get hurt again.
I don't ever want to be betrayed again.
Protecting myself so strongly that I don't even have any friends.
Instead, I judge everyone else and beckon everyone to be fake and false.
I am in my own cage, my own feelings, my own darkness.
And I am too scared to get out

You ask, what I really want in life?
You ask, would I fail without your manipulative support?
You ask, why am I always alone and never around people.

My multi-adaptive perplexed nature has me cloning others and absorbing energies that are not my own.
Unintentional, I try to keep a distance.
Yet, before I know it, I'm already drained to my fullest capacity.
An introverted social butterfly that craves solitude, comfort, intellectual and spiritual stimulation.
Maybe a knowledgeable conversation on the gravitational force of space and the entire universe reaching its end in a over a trillion years to come.
Maybe a deep topic on emotions and music and how different musicians came to having their own unique sound.
The flow of dust particles and dark matter in the silence of sound and time itself.
The poets and artists whom speak for themselves.
The depth that no one cares to understand or know.
The darkness that scares everyone.
I want to cry, express this dread and exhaustion that I am feeling.
An empath, logical and sensible.
Introversion and a mind of wild intellect and diversity in many things, formulas, and theories of my own.
Why do we dream to die and not dare to explore the places that daunt us?
What are we scared of?
The only person you run away from is yourself.
Face it, and stop rummaging into the facade of others.
Just because most people are afraid of being authentically themselves, why should you?
Be you, enlighten those who are dying to speak their own truth.