Trapped in my mind, lost in confusion, conflicted by chaos, denoted by the mental crisis.
I stand in fear, but not willing to be taken down.
I express the most, and keep the rest hidden, locked away.
I know what I know, the knowledge is my strength and my weakness.
Testing my own abilities on a blank page where thoughts manifest and co-create.
I am not you, neither I am really me.
I am not wise, merely experienced and thirsty to know more.

I am defeated by desire.
The desire to love.
I am high strung and nervous in the rummaging crowds of senseless energies draining my sense of being.
Informative, yet discreet.
Do I need not say more?
Speak but don't talk.
Then what is point of verbal expression if they constantly silent you.
For I only know what my mind absorbs.
Curiosity and quick intellect.
Not an academic, don't need to be.
My mind is my weapon, my greatest strength.
For it only requires knowledge.

They say, I have a beautiful mind.
I say, I explain the information I find.
Excrete and discrete.
The mental messenger of a deranged intellect and a spiritual soul.
Do I need not to say more.

Express yourself, it is the only way.
The unstable mind is the one that knows the most, and the least, all at the same time.
How can you be willing if you cannot live in open-minded intelligence.
My mind is my gift.
I love it, but sometimes I hate it.
It creates what people call interesting and smart.
It creates my life, and performing art.
I live in despair, learning to control and tame, the monkey brain.

In bed, stuck.
Limbs are numbs, I feel nothing...
Only pain surging.
A slow bolt of emotions and lonely feelings.
Oversensitive and pouring my eyes out every moment I feel my eyes get wet.
I want to do, nothing.
No will, energy lack.
Motivation is zero, I feel lethargic, tired of everything.
I ask, why must I suffer and go through this pain?
A toxic neurotic ***** for a mom, and no way out of this mess.
I say to myself, tomorrow I need to wake up and study, maybe apply for some jobs.
Nothing.
I still wake up only to go back to sleep again.
No action to strive.
Down at the bottom of the pit.
I've lost, become nothing, and want nothing.
Passion and desire all lost.
Nihilistic and no point to give a ****.
Gone.
******* all.
I want to die in this darkness.
The loneliness and exhaustion takes over.
I want to stay in bed all day.
Do nothing.
I'm dead.
Pure nihilism until my corspe begins to rot, ripened and turned to ash and soil.
Nothing but dread.
I want **** all.
I want to die.
Keeping my curtains closed, away from the sun and light.
No hope and no will.
My soul has enclosed.
I don't know what to do anymore, what I want to do anymore.
I don't want to do anything actually.
I want to just lie here, and wait to die...
Slowly, but surely.
I hate my family, I want nothing to do with those fake narcissistic spineless cowards with souls that stink of stail ****** protruding ***** 🤢
I have to money, nowhere to go.
No motivation and passion to get me going.
I am like the grinch, the joker, Harley Quinn, the raven, catwoman, and a lion all in one.
However, now I am nothing.
Not even human.
Not even breathing.
All I want is someone to connect with deeply.
I've been alone for so long I don't even know how to get attached to anyone.
I stay completely detached and alienated.
Completely isolated and away from people.
People only make me feel more lonely.
I only want that one person who understands.
I don't want worthless fools of Shallow ****** people to even try to understand me.
I like to be not understood.
How can you expect a big foot to fit into a small shoe?
It never will unless you break your ****** ugly toes.
Or, get a bigger size.
My point exactly.
People are so ****** obsessed with me and my energy.
I want nothing to do with any of them.
They can't help but pry, and stalk, and watch my every motive like a hawk.
It's ****** head drilling!!
Stay the **** away!!!

I only want one person, the person who is for me and only me.
I don't give a **** about anyone else

You narcissistic Shallow ***** filled with problems and no substance.
You emotionless toxic *** filled with negativity and constant manipulation.
You ignorant neurotic ***** filled with superficial intelligence and no real depth to cover it.
Manipulate me and use your money against me.
Everything you did, was by your choice.
Not mine.
It's not my problem nor my fault.
I'm living my life, not yours.
I'm not guilty for anything.
I feel nothing towards you.
All your psychological abuse is going to bite you back one day.
All you are is money, nothing more.
Nobody actually likes you or wants to be close to you, as you don't want to be to them.
I don't blame the men in your life for leaving you.
I can't even deal with your excuses and constant *******.
You are nothing, and you never will be.
I mean all I say.
I hate you and I always did.
Fix yourself or break.
The way you treat me will come back to you.
I'm not your *****, and you can't make me not say what I want to say.
You can't shut me down in your narrow mind.
So *******, and let me be.
You project constantly and use me as your dart board, with no real obligation.
Everything is by law or by the book, like you have no actual imagination or real intellect.
You narrow minded empty ***** with no space to fill your worthless voids.
Break me down and shut me down in your problems.
Fat fake *****, pretensious as can be.
Get help.
Because all I want is you dead.

I want to feel, something.
I want that feeling, of passion electrocuting through my veins.
My body on fire, my heart exploding at the seductive touch.
I want to burn, to make you earn, my love.
I want my spine to be stroked, to sensual pleasures my baby ***** evokes.
You like the touch? The feel? The plead?
The torturous waiting.
I need to be loved, I want to love.
More than the physical, where the mind and soul is touched and breathed on.
My body is screaming out, my senses are calling.
Answer.

****** nerves entrancing you to my cold wavering heart beat.
Kiss me.
I need to feel, something.
It's been a while, ****** withdrawals.
Move it slow and push me against the wall.
Cracking my back, you touch my thigh and my thoughts pull you in.
I grab the back of your neck and lean in.
Fiery as my desires lurking beneath.
Tongue flipping and earth quaking.
Do I need to say more?
Shake me and make me , scream for more.
****** my desires and spank me as I beg for more.
I need it now, I want it in me.
**** me.

Your tears, they speak of a million.
Your words, they leave me curious.
Your mind, of such miraculous intellect, I dare to question.

I love your skin and the way you speak.
I love the way your lips move.
The love that is lost, is in you.
I love your voice, releasing my emotions.
I love the thoughts I have of you.
Endlessly fantasizing, where trying to brush it off leaves me dissatisfied and bored.
I love you, near and far.

A twin flame love
We have yet again to meet.
But, the thoughts get toxic, overwhelming and draining.
I want you.
But it's killing me.
Get me out, take me away!
Stop!
It hurts when I blink.
A million lights blow out and all I see is black, all I hear is silence.
Tunnel vision is blurry.
But my thoughts still go back.
To you.
Still as the earth.
The end has come.
A new beginning awaits upon my arrival.
A vast new opening of wishes I waited for my entire life.
I deserve this.
I waited forever, I worked too hard to let it slip away.
I want you now and I want you forever.

My passions and dreams are yet to be explored.
I see myself dancing.
That's all I want to do.
I see myself doing it for the rest of my life.
I feel dead, empty, cold, sad, depressed, and desperate.
Why can't I just be a dancer?
Why can't I just be a performer?
What's stopping me?
That's all I want.
When I dream, I see it.
Stage lights up and all eyes on me.
Expressing everything through my body.
Feelings overwhelming me.
Something is blocking me.
No fancy dance school, just pure talent.
If I can't dance, nothing else in this world ****** matters.
I'd rather die before my time.
**** me now, and let me die.
Or give me the chance to live my dying wish.
Let me dance, let me perform.

And let me love you, in a million different ways.
My hearts desires calling out.
There's only two things that exist in it.
Only two things I want in this hated world.

Shallow water, streppling at my feet.
I see your eyes, glazing, as your heart beats.
Your skin changes, almost transforms into an iridescent colour spectrum of beautiful scales.
I look into your gleaming eyes, starstruck, and filled with wonder.
I try to grab hold, to touch, to feel.
But you dive back in and swim away.
I feel disheartened, but I don't fret, or take it personally.
I walk away, footsteps quaking silently on the still earth.
Blue, tranquil, soft and sensitive.
I wait upon your appearance in the darkness.
My eyes are dry, and cries are not heard.
My heart is broken.
I am starving, I haven't eaten now for days.
Your eyes had me mesmerized.
I can't go back now, especially after how entranced you made me.

My clothes are torn, and half stripped.
I have been fighting in this battlefield alone.
All the men have been killed.
I managed, I didn't back down.
They were after your power, your magic.
I had to get rid of them so they wouldn't take you.
I got hurt, badly, but it was worth my suffering.
I cried, whilst looking down, completely broken down.
Then I heard footsteps, walking nervously towards me, like a shadow.
I couldn't bare to look up, fear over took my emotions, I felt breathless.
Then a face appeared in front of mine.
...

Concealed by disregard.
Informal obligations of stagnant occurrences.
Intelligence of no use, no form, no will to inform.
Disastrous conclusions, assumptions, judgements.
Sleeping and sleepless.
Longing for more.
Yet, the will has been killed.

Lying wide awake, questioning the defences I hold onto like a loose thread of potent forces.
Exacted to not be exact.
The mind is busy, the body is not.
The soul is in hibernation, the eyes flicker and flip like a thousand broken light bulbs.
I intend on not grabbing, not fighting, and not limiting.
Limitless in a world of limited.
How do I get out?

Tell me, if I were to die today, slowly...
What would you do?
If I told you of the constant pain and loneliness I feel inside everyday, quivering in emptiness...
What would you do?

Intrinsic worth; the curse of my hardened shadow.
I am sick, a chronic illness that can't seem to be cured.
Tired, in pain.
I can't move my body, my mind of distorted abyss.
My visions are blank.
Ask what I really want in this cold world...
Someone to love.
Someone to hold.
Someone who understands.
Someone who's told; told a million stories of how they once shattered, and came to life.
Someone to bring me to life.

Intricately designed for me and only me.
A soul and a mind of those dared to explore, only to be pushed down and frightened.
Intrinsic worth, move slow.
Stop me when I am low.
Death is around my corner.
I can't seem to have anything more.
Tears rolling , a deep black ocean of a ghostly void.
Echoes down the narrow walls...
Hopeless screams...
Detachment is all too real.

Save me.
Show me how deep love can be.
Take me there

Didn't they say, a love like that won't last.
Didn't I tell you, a love like that will break.
Didn't I give enough.
Maybe my devotion is too strong.
My love is too strong, deep, loyal, and bonded like a metal carving glued with a flaming gun.
Unbreakable, passion evoked but not worthy of anyone to have.
Wasteful and undeserving of such wander, intensity, mystery, intelligence.
Sensual honey dripping of red velvet cake.
Waiting to be eaten, pleasure is indulgence of the finest scents and taste.
Yet, I cry in my corner.
Too strong to have, too strong to hold.
Will they ever be enough.
A white silk curtain drapes like the red satin dress on my curvaceous body.
Waiting to be taken... Gently destroyed.
Like chocolate lava waiting to be dripped on your delicious skin.
I see you before you see me.
I stay grounded yet proactive in my pursuits.
I don't do anything...
I just work, listen to music, and write hopeless poetry on rants about my depression.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain.
Are they good enough for me.
Or am I destined to only be with me.
Pure love, yet impure.
She's sweet, but will cut you like a razored knife...
Much like a Scorpio, you shouldn't **** with us.
Marry me, if only you are worth my privacy

What about those times I cried and bled for help.
What about those times I tirelessly picked myself up only to get burned down again.
What about those times I gave everything and got nothing back.
What about those times they called me crazy out of spite and jealousy.
All those times of abuse, telling me I am wrong, and I should change.
All those times when I begged for love, and to stop hurting.
All those times and sleepless nights I suffered and destroyed myself in agony.
All those times they put the blame on me.
All those times they spat on me and called me names.
For all those years they bullied me.
For all the pain I was forced to endure.
All those times I said sorry for doing nothing wrong.
All those times I had to be the bigger person.
All those times I got beaten.
Everything I went through, alone.
I had no one, and still stand strong until today.
THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER NEED IS YOURSELF.
TRUST YOURSELF, AND LOVE YOURSELF.
DON'T LET THEM GET YOU WEAK.
NEVER BACK DOWN.
FIGHT THIS BATTLE FOR  YOUR LIFE.
YOU DESERVE IT.
DO IT BY YOURSELF, THATS THE ONLY PERSON YOU HAVE AT THE END OF THE DAY

My soul is trapped.
My ghost is lurking, floating like a lost cause.
A curse only I know, a curse that destroys every minute of my waking life.
I have yet nothing more to do, to become, to complete.
I am cold, shattered glass withered into the dark abyss where the lonely serpent sleeps.
Eternity has no name for the darkest of times I recall as to what I have lived.
Living an immortal life, I want to be gone.
I want nothing in a human form.
The night sky energizes me.
I gaze upon and dance crudely.
The airy breeze in the dark wind.
Like the spirits wavering around floating with me.
I see nothing but the darkness it all brings.
As black as night, as black as death.
She works in the shadows, haunts you as you do her.
Sees you and watches you.
If you onto her, she's way onto you.
Her presence of hopeless sad cries.
A lonely star, of death and cold air
A black heart, wild and can't be tamed.
She's screams, in silence.
Nightmares lurking beneath.
You see me, but I don't see me.
I don't know me.
An energy of dark forces, working with the ones who bring agony to life.
Frozen inside, without a trace, without a fortude of light.
I have become my worst nightmare.
The goddess of death.
Paint it black, as black as the night, as black as death.

Lost
Lonely
Angry
Bored
Depressed
Not myself
Deprecated
Longing for love
Caved in
Scared
Exhausted
Frustrated
Anxious
Paranoid
Confused

I wish I had someone.
I wish I had you.
I wish I had love.
I wish I had someone who embraced and understood my darkness.
I wish I had someone who saw through it.
I wish I had someone who really cared.
I wish I had someone who wanted to be there.
I wish I had a soul who connects with me spiritually and wants me for more than what I seem.
I wish I had fire in the wind.
I wish I had a voice to speak to.
I wish I had a face that guided me.
I wish I had that person that uplifted me.
I wish I was happy.
I wish I was not alone.
I wish I had my partner in crime.
I wish I had my ride, and my die.
I wish I had you.
This is way over due.

I am covered, hidden and locked away.
Exposed but not exposed.
Secretive, but open and saying too much.
Alone, misery seems to love my company.
Projecting hatred on those I stay distant from.
Not trusting, not needing to, because the motives and character screams louder than the physical disposition of who they seem to display.
I see the cracks beneath, yet, I have no remorse.
I have become so angry and miserable, that those I hate beckon to cause destructive anxiety when I hear them speak because they all seem to talk about me, and only me.
Like I am the main topic of the town.
These jealous petty cowards, soulless peasants, are nothing to me.
Yet their voices, their presence, angers the pits of my hell.
I am a dark presence, unknown.
A mysterious force, an energy I cannot recall.
She takes over me.
She now has full control.
The girl I once hated in the mirror, is now me.
She is my own reflection of darkness.
Lost and lonely...
My own reign of the throne I harness

You got a fire inside, but your hearts so cold.
I tried to wash you away, but you just won't leave.
I know you're gonna keep on haunting...
Until I leave, until you can't have me.
Until I become spineless, and immoral, like you.
Maybe I subconsciously called upon you.
Maybe my desperate cries for help brought upon you.
Something I can't seem to let go of.
What is my emptiness without you.
What am I without you?
What am I ever to become!!!??
****** eating in the rummaging chaos of this reckless mind.
Do not come near...
Or maybe I do...
But my darkness, my loneliness, it called you.
I do not know what you are, and how you are helping me in any way.
But I feel you, and feel your presence.
Your dark truth eating away at my lies.
No one else can hear me, everyone else fears me.
Maybe I am possessed by you.
Maybe I am nothing without your deadly being.
Maybe I am you, and you are me.
You followed me for a reason.
I begging you, to keep haunting.
They cried out, "please stop, you're scaring me''
I can't help this toxic energy.
**** right, you should be scared...
Who is in control?

Senses filling up inside of me.
Sensations of bruised mortality.
Jittery explosions.
***** thoughts eating at my brain.
Do I say what is not to be explained.
A shadow overcast, I dare not to speak.
As I see your eyes, your stare, stalking me.
Watching my every motive.
My mind is dared not to be reached.
Darkness, and light, endowered as I reach beyond what I think I could explore, but cannot.
Can I be touched and felt, heard.
For once.
This brick wall, made of stainless steel and cold iron...
But a bleeding heart ripped apart perceiving a dark shadow of a lonely part.
A part of the within, the sorrow.
As she cries, whimpers, drowning in deprecation.
Wounded, still standing with cracks and scars.
Covered in red, of strength and courage.
Awaiting another day in her battlefield of conviction, disruption, and voiceless whispers.
Touch my thighs, lurk within.
Conflicted emotions and wars fighting to begin.
Where is the end?
Where is the peace?
Where is the silk curtain of velour chairs and a room of candle lights and dim...
Where is the light?
I have seen to be astounded.
Pounding every ****** day in the doors in my unrested mind.
The warrior, I lose, then I win.
Yet, I am not to be seen.
Hated for all that I am.
Not to expose what I am fighting for.
My secrets; dark, deadly, and too terrifying to even ****** swim.
Yet, they know me, or they think they do.
They know of what I am showing, not of why I am dying.
Bleeding nostrils, the clocks strikes it's time.
May I only cry to myself.
Not be seen.
Starving, she's unhinged.

I stand as alone, as eternal to what life seems to be.
To be it not.
For I am no longer me

Everything I have seen, touched, felt, faced, beckoned to know, and lived...
Is nothing.
The meaningless stance in the fact that my life has no meaning based on constant mental boredom stands as real as the fact that my body exists here as a biological structure.
I see nothing, I feel nothing.
I see pointless obscurities.
I no longer have the need, the want, the desire.
If everything I know is not known...
What can my love be?
I am nothing to this empty distraction called life.
Merely a walking paradox of delusional contradictions.
I stand as alone as my thoughts project.
I feel nothing but music.
THE ONLY THING KEEPING ME ALIVE.
The only thing that gives me feeling.
The only thing that makes me feel.
Intertwined into a lost trap.
I am stuck in this web.
My thoughts, my mind, that nobody can satisfy.
I am empty, numb, isolated.
Drifting off in knowledge only I understand.
All these people are boring.
The sites I see are boring.
The world, the sky.
Nothing excites me.
Once upon a time, I used to be on fire.
Yet, the flame turned to ash and there is nobody, not even me, to bring the spark back.
Dead, lifeless.
Everything around me dies.
I am nothing to this shallow world.
I am not them, neither they are me.
I am just an energy with an increasing amount of questions and knowledge, and nothing to get more from.
I am lost, as my thoughts, they have beckoned me.
I know not less...
Isolated and distant as can be.
Detached and hopeless in this dark cave.
Trapped in my flexed web of chaotic thoughts.

The pain lingers, the heart throbs.
The boredom strikes chaos, like a pulsating sob.
I cannot seem to escape it, to make it better.
Its haunting presence makes for sleepless dreams.
Some nightmares, some screams.
Have to stay fully protected.
Eyes on high alert, I cannot seem to withdraw.
Trapped in hopeless projections.
Which am I going to display.
Useless, emotional, discontent.
Not knowing the way out.
Trapped in my mind of contradicted addictions and hidden counteractions of emotionless emotions.
Leave, stay away.
Nobody should ever be trusted.
Eyes on alert.
Intuitions at its highest.
I feel you before you feel you.
I see your motives before you can even do them.
Why even try?
*******.
Spineless cowards.
Keep your shallowness to yourself.
Don't project your narrow minded boxed perspectives onto me.
Silent bitter words.
Saying too much, to saying nothing at all.
Keeping thoughts to myself.
Fear me.
Keep your distance.

I don't want to feel it anymore.
I don't want to have it anymore.
I don't want to party anymore.
What happens after the party?
They disappear.
You never see them again.
Use them for a good time, then cut your ties.
The life of the party, drowning in depression.
Some ***** and dance to take the pain away.
Breathing heavy, waiting for the next sip.
The next adventure; Cut
Then I do it all over again.
A routine that I am too used to.
Living for the night time.
The lights, the camera, the action, the vibe.
Enticing to my every being, my enchantress moving like a snake, when the beat hits tempo... I can't stop.
Strikes like a lightning bolt, like a shock through the system.
I become a different person altogether, It's perpetual, formidable, distractingly destructive.
Conceptual and disruptive.
She is me and I am her.
My version of me when I stare into the mirror.
My only best friend, and worst enemy.
When I am her, nothing can stop me.
Push it, sometimes the mirror cracks, but she always comes back.
As long as it's perpetual perspective and paradox keeps haunting, nothing else matters.

I am lonely.
Nobody but me.
My music, books, and youtube videos.
That's all I have.
Nobody to see, they all have plans.
They do not respond to my messages, they do not check up on me like I do with them.
I take it as a sign, I back off, and block them out of my life.
Delete, and cut.
What is the point of having "friends" when you're still left alone each and every day questioning why your existence is even still worth it.
I would be nothing, do nothing, see nothing; Without music.
That's all I have.
This daunting presence of sickening thoughts.
I don't have money....
Nothing.
What can you do in this world if you don't have money.
The only way to see your friends is by having money.
If not, no one is around.
No one will make time for you.
No one will try to come and see you.
No one, but my empty miserable soul.

They want to take me away, stop them.
SAVE ME.
Take me away from here, don't let me be trapped by the monstrous screams and the cruel energies, these dark demons in the disguise of humans...
I'm scared, they all know me, my power, my potential.
They out to get me, take it away from me.
I need to stay hidden in my web, I cannot let them get me.
Take me away from here, they watching me...
Every step I take, an inch away, eyes like a prowl of evil tears wanting what I have within me.
SAVE ME.
I hate this cage...
They won't leave me alone.
I feel alone, so trapped and lost in the darkness that foresees to my aching soul.
The misery, it's unescapable, no one to bleed on, but me.
I feel it consume my entire being.
A being of lost hope, nothing to attain but a spiral of washed away rotten skulls and souls yearning for something they do not have.
LOVE.
Stop staring, stop lurking, stop talking.
Faceless facades all around me whispering echoes that trail through the windy atmosphere.
I am not safe.
I sleep with eyes wide open.
Armored with protection.
The people here, they are bad.
Lingering around waiting like lost causes to see my next move.
I need to get out.
TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.
SAVE ME

Dread, boredom, hate, pain.
No needles, no fixing.
Nothing to bend the pain, nothing to distract.
Swivelled in chaos.
music to distract me from it all.
Nowhere to go, nowhere to run.
Videos that only take me to escapism, but nothing more.
Confusion, the boredom consumes my entire being, there is no cure.
Dissatisfied profusely, my form to mental destruction.
Where is the light?
What do I do?

I want to go, escape, fall, bind, jump, and leap.
I want to fall viciously in love, so much so that nobody can take me out of it.
Run through the forest, into my dreams.
Escape this world, and let myself fall to the ground.
I want to feel you, feel it.
I want flowers, and drugs too, designer perfumes, fine clothes and shoes.
I want your presence, your soul, your mind, your spirit.
I want this love ....
I want you

People, mere puppets that I ruthlessly use as a distraction, to escape.
Escape from the pain, the misery, the loneliness, the constant aching explosion of boredom that eats on my itching flesh.
Too detached, yet so attached, what is it that I need?
My loneliness  is unwanted toxicities of distractions that bring me no joy, no purpose, no belonging.
Lost in the chaos, I have become this destructive madness.
Sin is me, I have nothing yet to become, to see.
I have seen enough, I want away from this world.
The bitterness is eating me alive like a starved hyena that wails like a crying baby.
Let me go, let me leave, let me sleep, let me never wake up from this delusional dream.
People are my puppets, but I would rather not play.
Leave them before they leave me, stay the **** away.
Let me die alone, hate me for eternity.

Alone, lost, trapped, stuck, held in by these false and unfair delusions.
I don't know where my home is, or where I come from, but I am immensely drawn to cats and birds.
I was sent on a mission, on a purpose, and it is the loneliest life I live.
Since I could remember, I have been fighting the battle alone, being a messenger from higher dimensions and spreading knowledge only I know. Awakening those on earth, spreading justice.
Humans are threatening, scary, and cruel.
It gets painful, I hurt with every aching cell in my body.
But through all that pain, many lessons were learnt.
More knowledge was invested, and more strength was established.
I am looking for those who are also on a mission, I am looking to reach out to the ones who don't feel like they belong here.
This life is lonely, I have nobody.
Maybe we can connect and communicate together.
Please reach out.

The cups keep pouring, the drinks keeps sipping, the people keep talking, the night keeps blazing.
Through all that I am to do, to become, to manifest, to transform.
Dissolving all that is lost, not seen, the stance of it seems forbidding, disillusionment and escapism.
Never knowing the way out, the way in seems confusing, conflicting to what I can never achieve.
I think through all the pain, that it is worth it and that I will find the light and stay in it forever, yet, I hide, not knowing how to display my forefront.
Hidden, private, yet open to all that I am.
Hiding in this shadow, misunderstood by false illusions.
I am to die, or maybe I am not.
My mind of jitter, I hope I am never to be lost after I am found, if I will be, to not be so alone.

Sweating myself dry.
Bored, flat out, dissatisfied, discontent, unmotivated, exhausted, fatigue, no will, no strength.
Loneliness is the feeling.
Too detached to stay attached.
Too nihilistic to give a ****** ****.
**** them all.
I am better off alone.

Love, a written spell that is cursed with loss and longing for someone else.
Tenderness, reciprocation, union, everything that exists between two people in purity, belonging.
Emotions overflowing... I feel you, miles apart, I miss you.
It's deeper than love itself...
It's spiritual, it's someone I was with before, many times...
Needing them in my presence.
Tears rolling whilst thinking about him...
Puts this heartache on my spirit.
So synchronized, the iridescence of it is unreal, untouched...
It's depth takes me away from what doesn't matter.
But it's the only thing on my mind and its the only thing I want.
A love so raw, so deep, it is dared to burn the shadows, the fire, and the petty talk.
Completely far away, but once it is mine, once we meet, it will be something of twilight, of eternity...
The burning flame that will never go out.
I love you...
I want you now...
I need you in my arms...
I feel your energy vibrating immensely through my body, its amazing, so amazing I dare not to think about it to that depth because it ripples away at my water streams and takes me away from what needs to be done in my reality.
I need you now, long lost twin flame.
I have not been the same since I met you, and I never will.
I have never felt this with anyone, ever.
I truly desire the magic we can create, the intellectual art that is lost.
I have felt love with others before, I have been hurt before, I have hurt, to be ridden, yet, I met you, and never forgot.
You imprinted on me and this is something that  will last a lifetime and beyond.
I am in love with you, Yolan.
Please come back home...

Swallow away, lose myself in all that I am portraying.
Resurfacing, coming out the other side.
Remembering all that I am, all that I lost, all that was built, the potential that has no name.
Standing in the crowd, talents that can bring wonders to the world, a brain of Einstein and a body of a dancer.
A painters tongue, I am wasting all that I am born for.
Obstacles defeating my purpose.
My passions have me mentally in a constant war.
I am wasting myself.
Without my passions, I am nothing, a lonely soul with nothing, not even people can fill the misery.
Authentically multitalented.
How do I make it happen?

The stream pours, the water molds.
The thoughts unfold, mind state hits the lowest peak.
Who is in control?
Is it me or is it the person you think you see?
Is what you see real, or are you staring at own reflection.
Mutable contingencies.
Deformities and formulations of lost ones who try to speak.
Cut out, who are we meant to be in a world that lost its own stakes.
I see it gather like a river, forming its own strategies.
Conclusions, grasping at my twitching nerves that ache with curious desire that forbid me to my own disclosure.
Begging you, can we close what was not meant to be informed?

Just stop, stop holding me.
Let me go.
Selfish, secretive and hollow as a cold lurking shell.
Do you see what you are?
Or are you merely projecting your inner reflections onto my chaotic imagination.
Look ...
Within yourself you are ****** cracked mirror with a ripple of a murky stream of water that pollutes the ground you walk on.
Look ...
Just stare, and let the water stream.

Everything changes, the growth of your hair, the spiral of your spine, the bend of your knees and the transformation of your soul. Take a risk, take a step, take a leap, face the challenges and embrace the change.
Adaption, shapeshifting, new beginnings, and new eras in life.
Here we embark, together we shake the storm.

No, I don't feel good.
I don't feel okay.
A piece of me is missing, empty...
Filling voids with unnecessary pleasure that only bring upon more loneliness, more pain, more isolation.
Searching, waiting for my missing puzzle piece.
Damaged, in clueless vain.
My veins are hot, popping with every nerve, blood vessels integrated in me.
I see I belong nowhere, but to myself, where strings cannot break itself free.
Juxtaposed, alone, lost in hopeless misery.
Will it ever get better?
Will I ever be united?
My soulmate, the one who is made for me.
My other half...
My heart is bleeding.
Cursing its deep love in unwanted toxicities.
Seeking pleasures that can never find me.
I find myself desperate, but not attaching.
Too detached to say the least.
Lost in solitude.
My lonely serpent spirit longing for its other piece.
The sadness of it lingers on...
Forbidding all wonderful desires to my feet.
Helpless and all alone.
My heart yearns, My soul empty.
Where is my missing complex puzzle piece?

This is the end.
I lost it with her.
I hate her with all my exploding guts and being near her or in her life is not an option.
I don’t have a job, I’ve been looking everywhere, yet, nothing.
I am living like a homeless person in the back garden, doors locked, even our dog is shut out.
Im bathing using a tap, and starving with my last bit of money I have left.
No one to help, family can’t do anything, no friends around, nowhere to go and nowhere to stay.
Im stuck here.
**** my mom.
I’ve had enough of her.
I want nothing to do with her.
Barely surviving, pushing myself everyday.
When will my break come?
When will it be my time?
When can I be free?

I notice it, I notice it's flaws. I see its texture, I witness the shapes and metamorphic coherency's. It's all aligned in a wild pattern. Like walking in a catastrophic maze and never finding the ending.
But to really observe profusely, the maze has its own pattern, agenda.
Screaming to myself, aloud, I express myself grandiosely.
It all makes perfect sense
The missing piece is not missing, it never was, it was merely detaching.
Detaching from all life forms itself, like a cell that does not belong to another.
The maze was juxtaposed in its own creation.
People were too simple to understand it.
The jagged puzzle doesn't need another piece, it just needs a new formula, a new path, a new perspective, it needs to stay jagged in order to create more purposeful moments and inventions.
Complexities reach a higher peak than ever before, if you try to straighten the puzzle and find a piece to fit in it, you destroying its true and only purpose.
You cannot mold or fix something, you cannot sand it down.
You just need to let it be.
It's shapeless, it doesn't need a form, or a label.
It just is what it is to be.
And that is the secret. The contradiction needs to stay as the contradiction in order to invent the expedition.

Can I get a love so pure it synthesizes my whole being.
Untouched, unacquainted, real, syncopated.
Loneliness quivers, shaking with a merciless misery.
Alone in my secrecy.
Dare not come near me.
Love, seems anguished by my own monumental desires.
To feel something so pure….
It is rare.
I want it with him.
To whom I want to spend my whole life with.
Deep rooted passions imploding in tears.
Ridding myself, hiding in my fears.
My insides are painfully restricted, my eyes are tired.
My heart has melted.
I am broken.

Don't let them see
Don't let them know
Don't let them talk
Don't let them in

Be quiet, don't make a sound.
Let them suffer, so you don't.
Torture, let them utter painfully in their own sins.

Just live, it is not yours, it is theirs.
Their pain, their doing.
Be happy
Don't whisper a word.
Whispering of suffering and whimpering of defeat
You are not alone, nor will you ever be.
Work on yourself, focus on your shadow.
Whisper nothing...
Shake them up, like spiders do.
Stay private, and don't let them see.

Captivating, alluring...
Despondent.
Focus, priorities first.
YOU FIRST

Authenticity at its finest.
Worry about yourself.
BE YOU

Can I see
Can it be seen
Can I be shown
Can it be grown

Seems so, but not.
Helpless in the midst of the evening.
Disconnection from what it is not necessary.
It is what it is

Stop chasing, it’s in front of you
look

Time is only a metaphor, but what is figurative, stands alone.
Let it be
Only you can see.

*Just look

Take this pain away from me, take this heart and leave me be.
A love so deep it burns...
The craving for it is forbidden to me.
Daring to my disclosure of the unforeseen.
I need you, I ******' love you.
Come to me.
NOW....
I miss you...
It hurts.
I feel empty...
Treasureless gold and anything I can do to distract myself from it.
The heavens want us together, my twin flame.
Can you feel it?
The intensity of it is so untouched, passionate and chaotically
driven, pulsating through every vain like a quench of thirst that is impossible to satisfy, gripping tight onto my lost soul like a clutch being pushed on hold.
Darling, I ****** love you
With everything I have inside of me.
Continuously shaking, Are you watching me?

New beginnings...
Changes that are happening as I walk...
A *** of gold awaits...
Do I take what I worked for?
Do I leave it to shred.

My hands are strong, but my knees are weak.
I fall to the ground, nerves shaking to my feet.
I look at the ground, gripping it tight with my last nerve.
A battle that beckoned my own strengths...
I question, is my weakness defeating me?
Maybe I am locked to my own chain.
Is depth really my own despair?
Or does my darkness make its own light that only I can transform and foresee.
I am facing a new beginning, change.
Only, still hopelessly romantic with a love sickness that destroys me.
Depressed by my own loneliness.
Am I beautiful?
Or am I blinded by what's to come
...
The fire lurks within, strong hands, but weak knees.
Shaking, to the inner pits of me.
A love to destroy, I am worthy.
I only ask of a man of my worth to be mine.
I set fire to the rain, and I watch the sky burn, as I touch the flame

Try to put me down
Try to tell me how to live my life
Tell me I cannot do it
Tell me all the things I cannot achieve
Tell me I am not worthy
Tell me I am easy

Watch me break, soar, fly, scream
Watch me dream, watch me chase, watch me rise

I'm a born fighter, a warrior, one thing I will never do is back down
Project all those insecurities onto me
Watch me project my confidence onto the world
Tougher than a lion, effortlessly
Prosperity at my feet, and it is MINE to keep

Listen up, don't let those who are limited by their own systems box you
Don't let those who don't feel worthy make you feel unworthy
Live your life like it was never a life to live
Make it happen and be the warrior you are
Fight for love, for justice, spread the truth, make others see what you see
Change your perspective and explore your mind
BE A CHAMPION
LIVE YOUR **** TRUTH!
AND LOOK GOOD WHILE DOING IT

What does love mean?
What can love be?
What can love seem?
What can love do?
To be so inlove with love itself.
A hopeless romantic hiding in a shell.
Running vividly, it’s hell.
These random men that I have been dreaming of.
All taking me.
However, I only want one, the deja vu of it all seems impossible.
But my heart is only set on you.
It wants what it wants.
When I am alone, it comforts me to fantasize.
Fantasize thoughts and situations where you are in.
It makes me feel alive, happy, home.
I crave love so badly, but I will not settle just to get it.
I only want you.
To love and to be loved.
My sensualities running free.
Love is not a sensible subject, and neither are you.

I don’t know what to write.
To feel. To see. To know.
Blanked out.
Is melancholy the word?
Discontent, needing to detach.
Detach me, let me go.
I hold no part of anything, to anything.
I am not a part of the chaos, I am disconnected from it all.
I live in my own chaos, my madness, my love.
Low on energy, nothing that excites my peculiar mind.
Dissatisfied, bored.
Out of my mind.
Craving privacy…
Solitude, space.
What cost does sacrificing your own freedom come to?

Chained….
Get me away from her.
I need a break.
This woman doesn’t even know the least.
Cover up my mouth before I say it, mother.
I need to be away from you.
Your energy drains mine.
Your character disgusts me.
I don’t like you.
I never did.
I need to be free.
I want to be free.
Family should leave me.
I want to be free.
I need my own way.
My own light, not your burdens.
How intolerable is tolerance, apparently not enough

On a low, strained out.
Stagnation is getting the best of me.
Trapped, lacking my freedom.
Stale, personal freedom, locked by my own chaotic fears.
My comfort zone, I want to get out.
But how?
Is the question mostly asked.
Like a snail, it starts overwhelming me.
Thoughts hit a high haze and I can’t seem get beyond it.
Low, lost, gone, bored, flat, drained, miserable.
Pessimistic, nihilistic, no motivation, no energy.
Drained

Who am I to become?
What am I to be?
Where do I go now?
What is left for me?

Who do I have besides myself.
A washed away face of waste and misery.
Alone on a path, I feel defeated, left to rot, thrown out.
Evil monsters lurking everywhere I go, every corner I turn, faces that haunt me, taunt me, hurt me, forbid me, tell me what I am not.
HUMANS.
Cold and remorseless, petty mindless beings with no sense of realism, depth, purity.
Nothing, all reflecting of dark shadows that they themselves cannot even face.

Labeled, by superficial beings who think they have the right to know me and get into the secrecies of my life.
You know nothing of me, how would you?
I don’t want you to.
Stay away…
Let me lurk, an unknown shadow cursing your name.
Fear me because you fear why you cannot see, the unknown, the inner dimensions of life and death itself…
I see it all.
I’ve felt it all.
Dreaded myself for pain, only to be reborn, over and over and over.
An endless cycle that I am forced to go through, like a 90 year only waiting on the hospital bed for death to take her away.
I’m tired, I’m done.
Every inch of my soul, my mind, my being…
Has become nothing.
I have nothing left.
Left nothing to become.
Dead everyday,
Waiting for the grim to let me sleep eternally.
However, karma is my own debt, and for eternity, I have to suffer.
I am defeated
**** me/…
I’m already dead

I can't help but fantasize, daydream, lose myself in my imagination...
I love it but I hate it.
They only beckon to thoughts of you.
My feelings are everywhere.
I feel you vibrating through me.
My senses are on fire and thinking of you only makes them higher.
My soul, my energy, my mind...
It's all on you.
A distraction that I want, a distraction that I am immensely contradicted by.
My dreams are a whole other world that I escape myself into.
Down the rabbit hole I go, but I like it, and I won't deny it.
Hallucinating on these illusions that are my reality, only to awake to face these suffocating terrors called life.
With my feelings on fire, guess I'm a bad liar.
You're on my mind, and I'm trying not to think about you.
Baby, I miss you.

It writhes up inside like a hurricane that diminishes every part of your sanity.
Fingers being pointed making you the bad guy.
Judgements from others making you someone you not.
Turning you into a monster that you never were, that you swore to never become.
Faking your life, your personality, your disposition, your words…
All for what?
For nothing.
I know who I am.
I like who I am.
I love myself.
Why should I be targeted by those who feel nothing for even Themselves.
The man who’s wife died, who got kicked down by someone who reminds him of me, is the same man placing those toxic energies onto me.
Assumptions and assumptions …
People not knowing what “minding their business” is.
Rumors , lies, gossip…
The story of my dramatic life.
It’s not my energy, it has nothing to do with me.
As I need to remind myself everyday.
Everyone feels threatened by my light and wants my light because they don’t have their own.
I can’t handle these toxic energies surrounding me.
I need to get out.
I need a place to be….
ALONE
But to whom?
Detach myself…
It’s ******* with my whole agenda.
I need to get out.
I can’t take it anymore.
Give me my privacy…

I’m hidden, lost in despair.
These voices around me, these people, these negative energies.
I can’t take it.
I feel suicidal, I wanna get shot and never live this hell ever again.
I feel low, I feel like ****.
I feel useless, weak, ugly, lost, hated, misunderstood, trapped.
Trapped in a place I don’t want to be.
Alone in my misery.
Projecting it all out in the form of anger and judgement to others.
I feel alone.
I am not okay.
I am depressed.
I can’t talk to anyone about it.
I feel stupid.
I feel demotivated.
Judged by everyone and insane.
I feel misunderstood.
No one to depend on , but me.
I am not okay.
I feel bullied, picked on, teased.
I feel like everyone is out to get me.
I feel the need to protect myself immensely.
My spiritual energy needs cleansing.
I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
Headaches and tension.
I feel lonely.
No one to turn to.
No one I can turn to.
What do I do?