I was never frustrated with you
It was me
It was the pressure
All the eyes on us
All the hopes and expectations
And as I let those feelings suffocate me
Somewhere along the way I guess
I decided to drown you too

I used to believe in second chances
In lightning hitting the same spot twice
But then I became the one needing it
And I can't imagine someone as clumsy as me
Holding onto something fragile that I already broke once

I could turn you into poetry
But the feelings I have for you
Barely fit into prose

I can't stop wondering and worrying.

Are you over me? Of course— but do you hate me? Probably not, you're too sweet. But I'm sure you found rage in your healing, and gods, you deserved to feel it.

Are you seeing someone new? I hope not—but if you are I hope they are treating you better.

I hope they laugh at all your jokes. I hope they always let go last when you hug. Always answer your calls at the first ring. Put you first. Save you as their lock screen. I hope they keep you warm at night and make you smile.

I hope they say I love you before it's too late.

So many things remind me of you now. Pool tables have especially been reminiscent. I desperately long to be back in the moment when we were at Divine Lake walking through the woods. When we were sharing stories, laughing, bonding. That was when I should have fallen in love with you. Sitting by the edge of the water watching the sunset. That was when I should have kissed you. Would I waste these beautiful scenes with you now? Despite the stinging of the cuts on my ankles from the vines, that day will always be the sweetest. How you used to always wrap your arms around me and hug me, not wanting to let go. I understand it now. How warm and safe, the bitter bliss of immortal memories. There's this picture I have you at the Japanese Tea Garden that's my favorite. You're so beautiful and radiant in it. You make all the colors of the fauna more vibrant with that grin. All of those times you held your hand out for me to hold, I curse myself for refusing. For being too embarrassed to be so vulnerable. Now I don't even have the memory hold on to.

I should have said it back
It haunts me
I should have filled a book with words for you
But I couldn't even say those three

I never could keep one
But now I can't stop writing
Hoping to write you out
With the rest of my thoughts