You only tell me you love me when your words are slurred and your breath smells like liquor
I could really use it though, I haven't been loved in forever
I need one more taste and one more flame to spark the iron in my bones

Even with my eyes open, fever dreams will find their way
I can feel you with my eyes closed, laying in your tangles
This isn't what I meant when I told you I wanted more
I was asking for novocaine; something to numb everything around me
What I got were feelings that tore me apart, those feelings never even laid a finger on you
I wish I never laid a finger on you

You're never around unless it's convenient
I'm never around because I can't seem to find my confidence
I just want some kind of closure, some kind of answer
You come and go and I can't tell if I want to tie a rope around you and go into the storm with you or if I'm better off cutting the strings

I know you're everything that's bad for me but
I've been so good recently, maybe I need to decay a little
A little sip or a small puff, all in the name of love
Because love is disgusting and twisted and drunk and misleading and--
No, this isn't love

This is a broken person trying to mend by finding comfort in discomfort
A broken person hoping to find somewhere else that's more uncomfortable than their skin, somewhere that they feel they would fit in well enough to convince themselves that their soul isn't too ***** to be cleansed

I sold myself to you and now there's no going back
You destroyed the receipt with good intentions but bad situations
I know we both want this but I really don't think we're doing this right, or at least I'm not
Maybe you don't really want this, I mean, you say you do, but I always had a bad feeling about honesty this deep
I laid it all out for you with a heart you could keep
But you're hiding it away from everyone else and not letting anyone see
I just don't know about you
No, I know everything about you, my mind just has a way of putting things that makes everything seem ugly

I'm sorry about this
I'm sorry about me
I don't want you to feel this feeling
You need what's best for you and I can't help but tell myself I'm not what you're looking for
I can't help but tell myself I don't need help

Please help me
I want you but not myself
I'll try my best I swear, as long as you let me kiss your neck and play with your hair

*TO THE ONE I ADORE, FOREVER AND EVERMORE

I can't ******* sleep and it's all because of you.

I can't even shut my eyes without seeing your face. I feel as if I'm trapped in my own head, clawing at the inside of my skull until I wear my fingers down to the bone.  Why can't it ever be simple? Why can't it ever be easy? Why is it that every time I think I've stepped away from you, you sing a silent sirens song sending me sliding slowly down a slippery *****, serenading my cerebellum and sealing my soul in my chest.

I don't get it.

Why can't you just tell me you hate me.

It doesn't matter, look at me. Sitting here clutching onto you. Laying on my bathroom floor. I thought about replacing you with her. That's right I said it.

I want to replace you.

But she doesn't even realize.

So here we sit, again, me and you. A long night awake in the bathroom, with you sliding down my throat. You taste bitter with just the water I have to push you down. I've gotten to the point where I have to have you to sleep. Imagine that. Yet, when there's a body beside me, I no longer need you inside me. I can rest without you coursing though my veins.

Ive pretty much just excepted that you won't be replaced with her, or anyone, until I love myself more than you. God what a task. Loving myself.  Doesn't matter. Eventually someone will help me sleep.

But I guess it's just you and me.

Curious little night owl, screeching at the moon. Who will ever understand your disdain for the daylighy? You spend your life sitting on the edges of clock towers, closer to the time that you watch tick away. Everything in your hands does for some reason and you can't stop yourself from tearing it apart. Honestly, I'm jealous. You soar in the cool, liquid darkness and let out your shriek. I hear it cut through the empty abyss like an arrow cuts the wind.

Curious little night owl look upon me. Turn your eyes to someone as vast as the night. Hold me gently in your hands until I sleep, then tear your beak into my chest, removing every tumor this life has caused. Deliver me not into death, but back into this life. I wish to not be in this skin anymore. I wish to not question my worth against everyone I meet.

Curious little night owl, I see you pearing into my soul. Why do I feel as fragile as moonlight as soon as the sun rises? Why can I not soar weightless like you? Why do my feathers hurt when I laugh? Why is it, when I reach my hand into the tangible blackness I can only feel my own heart beat, or is that my heart beat?

Curious little night owl, know that I've prayed to lesser things. None as beautiful or as patient as you. I don't care that your would pluck your own feathers. I dont care that you break during the day. You make me believe in my individuality.

So I ask myself

Who are you?

Sorry for saying ****.
I had no idea how bad it would hurt when I tore your name from my vocal chords. I had no idea that I would fall in love with the idea of falling in love. Maybe I'm just meant to be lonely. It's funny because my standards rise and fall but you seem to be a perfect match no matter where they are.

In not sure what that says about you

Ow, ****
There I go again. Sinking a ciggarettes fingers deep into my lungs to pull out the words "I love you". I think I over shot though. Instead of not saying it when I look at you, I can't say it when I see my reflection. I spend every waking moment trying not to think about it, so I guess I spend every moment thinking about it.

Well, ****
I'm tired.
I sleep.
I wake.
I sleep.
I haven't eaten a full meal in almost 2 weeks and my stomach shrinks at the thought of having ever contained the bile that pours from your mouth and into mine. Just the other I told myself I hated you, I didn't believe it but it was worth a try. I can't say when I'll ever stop associating your name with nicotine, but until then, here's to you tobacco industry for making me feel a little less alone.

The truth is I _ my friends.
.
.
.
I think something is wrong here let me try again

I love my friends.
There we go.
It just took a minute for me to realize I have those. I'm still not used to it.

I hope they understand that I love them regardless of their flaws, and they always have me. Even if they forget about me I'll still be here.

And here you are. You can't even answer my texts but I still find myself entranced by your call whenever you crying pierces the night.

I guess I _ you.
Wait.
I you.
.
.
.
Finally.

You called, I answered
You said it's too late, that you're already too far gone and that the doctors have nothing left
Four months tops, five if we're lucky
You started to cry and I could still hear the fire in your voice spark up
You said "the reaper has his grip on me and it seems like he isn't going to let go this time. Please don't forget about me and what you promised me."
I responded with a deep breath and a muffled cry
"I'll never forget. I'll never forget."

Every time I walk by the picture of us on my shelf, I can still feel your fire burn on inside of me
It's been four whole years, and I still haven't broken that promise
I still make your favorite dinner on Tuesday nights
Spaghetti with just a little too much parmesan
You used to say that the noodles looked funny and that they needed to be extra cheesy because I was a noodle and I was always so cheesy to you, I loved that
I still go to your favorite book store on the corner, hoping to find you living on in a book somewhere
You used to love books and it seemed like they loved you just as much
Whenever you were in a bad mood you'd crawl into our bed and get lost in your own little fantasy
You used to buy a fresh bouquet of flowers every Monday afternoon
You said that flowers were beautiful and Monday's weren't, so you were doing us a favor
You used to love watching shows about aliens and UFOs, you always told me that you knew there was life outside of our own, and that they were lucky they weren't living on Earth
"We know hell as if it is our heaven" you told me
Nothing ever stuck out to me like that did

I still remember holding your broken eyes on my shoulders
I remember hearing you scream and cry at me as you clawed at your neck, trying to make me realize that you felt like someone or something was choking you
You used to tell me that they were after you
You used to grow silent and just cry and cry
I remember the night you told me you loved me
You were scared because your life was weighed down by all of your problems and you didn't want me to get discouraged; that your problems were nothing compared to me and that I seemed to be your best medicine
I didn't care
You were beautiful to me and I still loved you in that moment, just as I do right now

I hope wherever you are has spaghetti with parmesan on Tuesday nights
I hope wherever you are has so many books that it would take you the rest of eternity to read them all
I hope wherever you are has flowers on Monday afternoons
I hope wherever you are has aliens, you deserve to be with the ones you seemed to fit in the best with
I hope wherever you are seems like heaven
I hope wherever you are is safe
I hope wherever you are is away from the ones who were after you
I hope wherever you are loves you as much as I do

I hope wherever you are, you're able to look down on me and smile
I hope wherever you are, you're able to see that I still haven't broken that promise

I promised that I wouldn't let the reaper get me, and if I did, I'd fight him off
I lost you to him but he will never get me

I miss you and I can't wait to meet you again

Forever onward,
I love you

Spill your coffee on me
My skin is exhausted and maybe the caffeine will soak in and wake up my tired bones
I could be your poetic trainwreck, baby
Don't ever worry about running out of cigarettes
Light up my fingers and smoke my soul,
I'm sure it's full of toxicity
Paint all of my journals black and rip the pages out, everything in them is about you and I don't have the ******* time to do what's right with myself
Stop whispering about me, I am so loud about you
I know you're disappointed, we all are, aren't we?
All I have the motivation to do is make up excuses about why I can't get better, but they're all *******
My pessimism stops my optimism from showing its face, but maybe that's a good thing, I know this will pass eventually

I COULDN'T WRITE THESE POEMS WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
I WOULDN'T BE ALIVE WITHOUT FEELING HORRIBLE
LIFE IS ALL ABOUT FEELING
AND LET ME BE THE FIRST TO TELL YOU I'M FEELING ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING

These pages keep getting coffee and paint dripped on them
Everything seems sluggish, but with coffee, even the most exhausting situations will become awake with astonishment
Everything seems dull, but with paint, even the ugliest situations become beautiful

I want to be the man with the hat
I want to be able to pull doves out from under my hat, anywhere anytime
That way I'd be able to let my problems fly away instead of letting my problems settle and make a home in my head
Trust me, this is magic
All of this is magic
These few tricks have been tucked away in my sleeves and it's about time I let them go
Heaven is no place for the wicked, especially not magicians
What can I say? Life is better with a little bit of magic
For my final act, I'll make all of my sadness disappear

Self deprecation helps keep my head in check
It makes me realize I'm not the best, but I'm trying, and that's all that really matters
Even the summer thaws out from under the winter
I know my beauty will thaw out from all of these problems
I just have to be willing to see the brighter side of things and give them the permission to melt the ice that holds all of my problems in place

Here I am surrounded by people I love
I feel as if I am not loved
I sit in the void of my mind as I stare into the eyes of someone who says "thanks for inviting me, it's been fun!"

My eyes scan their face

You're welcome.
I'm sorry.
I hope so.
I really hope so.

I finally found a group of people I love and I can't even enjoy it because I'm not sure they love me. Listen to me. Complaining about these beautiful people.

I just want to know where I stand. I want to know that if I fell down, I would have them to dust me off.

I don't know if they would want to. What reason to they have to pick me up. What reason do they have to be here. Why cant I just except it. Why can't I except that they love me.

They love me?

Love.

There it is. There's the problem.

To Tell the Truth

Everyone has that moment when they're staring at a mistake and time just seems to wrap around them, swallow them in a weightlessness that is tantamount to death.
Mine came in the form of blood soaked bathroom rug and a hastily written note.
The tile floor become a womb,a cold memory to carry me from this life.
The next morning I woke up twice.
The first I ate breakfast, the second, I ate my pride.
I needed help.
I need help.
In place of a androgynous mass with a PhD and a ******* for money, I write lines.
Letter after letter I take this new cuneiform and pull the lines from the pages and stitch the holes in my heart shut.
Poem after poem I draw closer the redemption.
Everyone has that thing, that makes time start living again.

Everything seems to be pitch black and quiet
I'm alright with this, considering I've grown tired of being in the spotlight
I don't remember how I got here or how long I've been here, but everything looks and smells so vibrant
I'm laying in what looks to be an endless meadow of roses
Everything is so beautiful over here

The last few things I can remember involve a couple of pill bottles, a couple glasses of water, and falling asleep with my TV on
I hope I haven't been sleeping long, I don't want to worry anyone
Maybe this is a dream
Something so wonderful like this couldn't possibly exist in the real world

I see people walking around way over there, but to be honest, I don't even want to bother them
I'm having the best time in the world just resting here in the roses, it feels like home
The people looked like flowers at last
I want to cut myself open and let my entire body pour out around me here
I wonder if the vines will wrap around me and turn me into something beautiful
The weird part is that I'm not even jealous anymore
I don't even need to plant my roses anywhere, I'm completely surrounded by them and they look to be all mine

I suddenly felt a shock and my chest lit up in the pitch black of what felt like the promised land
I woke up but I couldn't open my eyes because the lights were brighter than they had ever been
I saw my mother quickly reach for me but another woman immediately stopped her

"Your son is in shock, please don't touch him, it could make things worse"

Where in the hell am I?
Is this a hospital?
Where's my meadow?
Where are the roses?
Why is everything so bright?
Everything is so loud!

The doctors repeatedly shock my chest while my mother grows hysterical next to me
I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear
I only wanted to take a nap, honest


--

A few years have passed
My therapist made me start my own garden
I'm embarrassed I couldn't do it on my own, but I'm glad he made me do it, or else I probably wouldn't have
I still write in the same journal I got from my grandmother when I was a small child in hopes that she sees me, wherever she is, and that she knows I'm still fighting for myself
My garden is growing like a wildfire and some days it's the only thing that makes me smile
At least I can still smile

It's been a very long time, but I can still remember my adventure like it happened yesterday
If this is what death is, I'm upset that everyone fears it so badly

*Everything was so beautiful over there and the people finally looked like flowers at last

Muster up the words, "I beg you."
Form some kind of apology, please
This isn't you and you know it
Your heart is too warm to treat someone so cold

The breezy winds flow through your hair just as well as they do your emotions and you're making her feel like a helpless feather with no other choice but to get blown away
Even a simple goodbye would be better than this
Trust me, I know closure isn't really your thing, but she deserves at least something
Anything would do this situation justice, just please talk to her

This isn't you, please snap out of it

I know you've been hurt too many times to count and you're looking everywhere for something or someone to fill your voids but do not use innocent hearts as vices, they don't work like that
Don't rob someone of their feelings just because you have a hard time coping with yours

I know sometimes certain situations and feelings can be interpreted differently, but don't kid yourself, you know exactly what you're doing and quite frankly it's making me sick

You aren't perfect and neither is she, but the least you could do is offer her a bandaid when she needs one instead of drinking her blood and leaving a mess for her to cleanup afterwards without even calling her back

All of this is running like a train through my head when I look into my mirror and see myself start to tear up
The bags under my eyes hold all of the emotions that I try my best not to let out

It should be easier than this
Maybe it really is easy, and I'm just not used to change
I'm not sure about a lot of the things that are happening in my life
However, I am sure that I need to stop becoming a bad memory to others

It keeps me awake at night to think about all of the wrong I've done
That there are people whose only memory of me is how I was the worst for them and I don't want that

To my past friends and lovers, I can't say sorry enough
To my present friends and lovers, please don't give up on me; you are the reason I'm still trying
To my future friends and lovers, I hope by the time we meet, I am nothing less than perfect to you

I'm not used to change, but I could get used to being a good memory