Yes, the lights are off, but you are not on your floor crying.
It's 3am and you're laying silently in your bed and you can't stop turning. You haven't gotten a good night's sleep in weeks.

It isn't "You can do this, just hold on!".
It's the constant gnawing at your neck and the feeling of disgusting hands reaching around your throat and choking you, yet your arms are so tired that you can't even muster up the motivation to want to reach up and yank the hands away.

It feels like you want to do everything you possibly can, yet you're too tired to do anything. So much so that you would rather lay in bed and come up with excuses about how even the simplest tasks are the biggest problems that you can't come up with solutions to. You would rather stay here and wallow in your sadness than open your window for fresh air and fix yourself something to eat.

It's being surrounded by your closest friends and still feeling sad.
It's staying up to watch the sunrise without even wanting to.
It's feeling nauseous without riding a roller coaster.
It's sitting in your shower long after you've washed yourself clean. You're only sitting in your shower because your tears feel less noticeable with the faucet running on your face; the only reason you're sitting instead of standing is because you're too exhausted to stand anymore.

You can't stand it anymore.

It's realizing what's best for you, and when you try your hardest to do what's best for you, it feels like the world is collapsing onto you.
It's a walk in the park on a freezing Tuesday evening in December when the snow is beyond cold but it's the only thing left that makes you feel anything so you feel compelled to sit in it.

It's a lot of things.
Most importantly though, it's nothing.
At least that's what you keep telling people.

*Please stop sugarcoating it.

The streets are running rampant with loneliness and exhaustion
The kids are breaking bottles just so their hearts aren't the only things being broken

Your lips are the only lips a lost boy like me needs
It's a shame that your lipstick is all over my neck
The others are going to be fooled into thinking I'm the only one you're hooking up with

Kick the **** out of me so I know I'm still alive, I'll be sure to put up a fight
It just really ***** to hear you say "I love you" and then watch you turn around and fall into the arms of another like I never even mattered to you
I wish you'd just say it
I wish you'd tell me that I never mattered
That way I won't stay up all night thinking about you
I'll most likely think about you regardless,
I'm just not sure what would hurt more
Thinking that I never mattered to you, or knowing that I never mattered to you

I just hope you think about me when you're in a bedroom with another
I hope my name is in your head when you moan his and I hope you can feel my hands wrapped around your throat when you're choking on the lust you're giving into

The worst part is the fact that I can see and feel the blood coming out from where you stabbed me
I just hope I can manage to pull the knife out fast enough to pour completely out for you because I know you love it fast and you love it everywhere

It's a small world but an even smaller place in my heart for you
Maybe someday the place will finally shrink enough to not exist
Unfortunately until then, you're always welcome here, whether I like it or not

Teacher preacher while I have your attention can you please take a seat

Teacher preacher I need an explanation
I'm not allowed to think and I feel like a patient

Teacher preacher how do you expect me to sit and listen
When earlier this morning mom and dad were arguing in the kitchen

Teacher preacher I haven't learned anything new since the fourth grade
All this time, I swear it seems like my consciousness is starting to fade

The **** you teach us doesn't even matter
Long as we graduate, go to college, climb the ladder
But without your full attention our entire future will shatter

Teacher preacher you're supposed to be here to shape my mind
Teacher preacher it's time to take a step back and let me shine

Teacher preacher I've had a rough day
But you yell at me when I try to hide in my hats shade

Teacher preacher these are the last words on the page
Teacher preacher I'm your puppet and this is your stage

No wait back up ...
I need to clean my act up
Come Sunday in walking at graduation
When last Sunday I was selling good Haitian
But a gun to the head will **** with you respiration
You don't need the money just quit that desperation.

Capitalism
Take take take
**** with the come up
They find you in that lake lake lake

But excuse my attitude
What would you do when your role models was drug dealers
And Hug stealers  
And plug kneelers
And wig splinters
And

As the time passes I'm tired of making momma cry
As the time passes I'm tired of being that guy
But hate to see my family struggle
In twenty years probably look back on this and force a chuckle

But once and for all for all the people that doubted me
*******
come Sunday it's my stage
And all my success is written on that page

To pain and to whiskey, we say the same thing: keep it coming
We get it while we can, and we might as well while we still know how to feel it
My grandfather used to say, "Any day above ground...", always trailing off so I could never be sure how he meant it, but at a hundred miles per hour with a cigarette in one hand and the other hand tuning the dial of a radio to eavesdrop on heaven, the context starts to cut through the static: you have no control here, you are only along for the ride, never let anybody know this
When they bury your best friend, do not attend the viewing, remember him forever as he was, the madman with the keys to the holy city, the messiah of a new age born in blood and chemicals, think of him in between the lines of his favorite songs, the only places where he was allowed to rest, paint him the Martyr with your words and the Saint with your thoughts, carry the torch as long as you can, then let it die with you in the river, never go back for any reason once you have reached this point,
When the girl with the burning hair kisses you, do not hold back, do not flinch, do not second guess, you may not realize that you deserve this yet but you will, this is where we are tonight and you are not going to miss a ******* moment, we are gospel, we are revelation, we are beginning without end, we are cycle reborn on the mountain, the zenith where the flames reach highest, the point where the paths diverge from where we were broken to where we can rebuild, love this, breathe this, live for this
When I was a child I feared the storm, and my grandfather told me that every man fears storms until he becomes one,
And today I have reconciled myself to that truth
I am the first storm, and I will be the last

Sorry, I've just got a lot happening.
I'm no longer able to stand the bright lights, so I've been standing off to the side trying to think of something to say so everything will get off of my back and leave me alone because it's unbelievably hard to manage stress like this.

Of all things, consider these:

You are sitting in an airplane and the pilot comes over the speaker and explains that you are thirty thousand feet in the air and something horribly wrong is happening to the plane. You have roughly twenty minutes until the plane will be forced into the ocean.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

You are dying of lung cancer and you have roughly three months until your body has no choice but to stop working all together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Your father is lying on his death bed and he is confessing his sins and apologizing for never cheering you on when you were trying to get your act together.
Will you speak up, or will you sit silently?

Of all things, consider what is really happening here.
Will you be the one to hide under your blanket when the wind picks up and knocks the tree branches onto your window on stormy nights, or will you be the one to embrace it all and accept it for what it really is?

I've been thinking a lot lately, almost too much, and I've reached a point where the end is almost as rational as the beginning. In other words, it isn't.
Nothing makes sense when you really think about it, so why even think about it?
All I want to think about is the number of roses I have left to see in my life, and I do not want to miss a single one.

I'm not sure when I'll be returned to the roses from which I came, but when I finally reach them again, I hope that I can smell them just one more time.
I always pass the roses in my life and rarely do I ever stop to smell them.
I make a lot of mistakes, but that's probably my biggest thus far.

I'll be jealous of the people with green thumbs I'll meet in heaven, they spent their lives taking care of beauty, and all I did was spend too much time thinking about it.
Of all things I've considered, life is a garden and I just cannot find a place to start digging. Maybe one of these days my mind will stop racing and I will comfortably find a place that I want to plant my roses in.

Until then, you'll find me in the shadows of it all, just thinking of something to get myself by.

Hey there,
It's me again.
I know I've come to you before and you never say anything back to me, but I have no other choice; so please just listen to me carefully.
I know it's been a few years and you haven't heard from me, but I just got caught up in what life is suppose to be about. I'm sorry. But I'm here now, and I have so much to tell you.
First of all, *******. I hate doing this and I hate coming back to you because I know for a fact that there are others that have no other choice but to see you, and here I am, willfully coming to you. Congratulations for this.
I used to feel like my loved ones were going to have to drag the lake for me because of you, and I'm so stupid to be coming back to you after everything you've done to me.
I know I've told you that I don't believe in God, but recently I've had no other choice but to pray to him and ask him sincerely to please never let you show your face to me again.
I'm going to a funeral tomorrow evening, and even though I never met the guy, it fills me with nothing but rage to know that you stole everything from him.
I was told that he had everything going for him. Perfect grades, a perfect athlete, not a thing in the world seemed to be able to stop him. He was so young and full of potential. Until you came along.
You forced his body to starve so badly that it had no choice but to eat itself.
That sounds familiar, doesn't it?
That no matter how many times I'm able to run away from you, you never fail to fill my stomach with what seems like a black abyss that never stops screaming at me for everything I do.

Second of all, I hope you're happy with all of this.
I hope you see me struggle and turn in my sleep because of you and you get a kick out of it.
I hope that you feel a sense of accomplishment when you see me smiling and decide I'd be better off back in the dumps. You somehow always think that I've always wanted this.
There have been times when I've wanted nothing more, but now is not that time.
I've grown so much without you and I hope you've noticed.
Life has given me such a sense of self worth. Something that you could never do for me.
In fact, all you ever gave me was the complete opposite.
It's been a struggle, but I don't need you. I never did, so please stay the **** away from me.

Last but not least, this is the last time you will ever hear from me.
Death, I am staring you right in the face and I feel more confident now than I ever have.
Death, no matter how many times you try to push down on my chest, I will take the deepest breath you've ever seen me take.
Death, say goodbye to your longest prisoner, I hope you become lonely without me.

Death, not today.
Death, not ever.

Yours truly, the one that got away.

PS, I'm gonna need this letter back to write more things on to help my head get rid of you.

Everything that made sense to me ended up hurting me
Maybe it's time I stopped making sense
A fourth, a fifth, a sixth
Whatever it takes to make me feel worth it

Yellow love, eat me up inside
Grow your vines and wrap around my heart and squeeze it until it pops like a balloon
I want to feel alive and full of air
I want confetti to explode out of my mouth when you kiss it because you a party and you deserve to be celebrated

Hold my hand and squeeze it so I know you'll never let go on accident
That way when I feel your hand unwrap around mine, I'll know you did it on purpose
It'll be a lot less hurtful, trust me

I will no longer be a lighthouse for your rough waters and I have grown to accept it
I will still see your ships and sails
And they will always be in the back of my mind
You will always be in the back of my mind

It's about time I say goodbye to what I thought would be forever
Blowing kisses and hugging the skeletons in your closet has never sounded so comfortable
But here I am, suitcase in hand
I just wish this goodbye could last forever

I can't complain
My coffee is getting cold and my flight is booked for an hour from now
Take a look at what's beneath your feet
Flowers that once bloomed at your every step are now wilting and crying onto your dress
Just wait for the clarity, this will all make sense
Where we're going, we are no longer safe
The stone walls you've built will crush us from the inside out

I have no choice but to burn what's left and start all over
Maybe then everything will finally feel fresh again
It's been so long since I've woken from a dream and felt confident
I never meant for any this to happen, believe me
I have wanted everything for us but I have spent all of my money buying you rings
and every one of them end up tossed into the creek

I always end up lost in the street
Begging and pleading
This is no place for a man that cares this much
I guess there is no place for a man that cares this much
Not on these streets and most definitely not in your arms

I want your head to shake and shatter like an earthquake when you read this
I want your gut to fill with panic and your sense of all understanding completely wiped out

Maybe I should stop wishing the worst for my enemies
But then again, maybe I should stop making sense

Curiosity and questions
challenging creation

Busting down each **** wall
built by that cursed machine

Each stride brings you closer to the finish line but each stride pushes it even further

You musn't stop running

For god sakes don't stop

For if you cease to push forwards
the end is already behind you

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Think of what is not killing you
Let it seep into your skin and let it fill your lungs

Crack your brittle knuckles and pop your achey joints
This is only the beginning
Tie a noose around a tree and let the branch break, just to let yourself know that nature is keeping you alive for a reason

Now think of what is killing you
Let it fill and spill over and under your thoughts
Let it whisper soft meaningless nothings into your ears
Flirt with the idea of crushing a caterpillar just before it blossoms into a butterfly
Let yourself realize that there is beauty in the innocent
Learn that corruption is at every street corner, just begging and pleading for your attention

Pass the time
Pass the time
Pass the time

Give yourself to the wrongdoers
Let your blood bleed dark red onto your favorite t-shirt
Feel knowledgeable and learn consistently
Walk gracefully and fight viciously

There is no bliss in ignorance, just like there is no good in evil
Time is as valuable as diamond
Do not shied yourself from its shine and do not hide in its shadow

When the next opportunity comes, do not pass it
Do not pass the time and do not let it escape you
Breathe in air and exhale fire
Watch the clock like it is your favorite movie, it may just surprise you

Welcome to the parade
Don't get it twisted
This is a sick sad establishment

I greeted Death with a smile and all I got in return was wishful thinking and eternal life
At least that's what he wanted me to believe
In reality, realism never looked so ugly
I've watched all of those around me die
And this is all taking so long, I'd rather watch paint dry

My contract is irreversible
My body stopped growing
A solar eclipse is the last thing I want to see
Satisfaction has become dissatisfaction
The flowers on my porch stopped blooming
All of this has only made me see

The big man in charge is a ******* and not even a forest fire could burn my hopes and dreams
I am eternal
I will live forever
I will makes the most of this
Whether you want me to or not
I will be here forever and there is nothing that can stop me

I will drink soda before going to bed
I will sleep with the lights on
I will have the craziest dreams

I will wake up thankful
I will be kind
I will be thoughtful
I will make sure no one ever knows
I will be the most beautiful

Don't get me wrong, death is beautiful
But everything beautiful must die eventually