Something a shower cannot even cure

I am stuck between two deaths,
and then there is me,
I am countless
Where
R
The
Ravens?
Oh yes...Feasting on my flesh
Happy thanks giving

I write with broken lips and bleeding cuticles but I write and I write and I write

I felt my heart beat today
The evidence of life felt unfamiliar
As I felt the beat in my palm
I begin to feel estranged from my body

it is in Gravity
It is in the pavement that supports each step
It has no reason or direction
It is the blood that feeds my heart

White dress
Black heels
I pretended I did not live in the gutter
Company
I smiled on cue
I am someone I told myself
10:27- my life as an actor ended
I hoped I'd receive gifts of a brand new person
10:27 my eyes start to scream
"I am lying"
"I am a beast"
"I cannot laugh"
"I am sour and full of hate"
My eyes are strong and honest
The time was up
Everyone sees me
I am ignored
The  lie that I am festers inside of me
She comes out to play on nights like these
When my body craves companionship
I fall asleep promising myself I will never pretend not to be a gutter

This is for me, or
The little girl I used to be
She had choices she had the world
I buried her to understand the world
Little did I know, I could never understand
She doesn't care for me anymore
I don't blame you little girl
I understand little girl
Oh little girl you blind little thing...
I've always lived inside you
I am the pain that was destined in your awkwardness
I destroyed you, me, a version I used to be
I'm sorry little girl

Frank Sinatra competed with the loud clinking of silver wear
We ordered
We spoke over the clinking silver wear
We ate
We spoke over the clinking silver wear
We laughed
And they laughed effortlessly
A heavy exhaustion filled me up
I think it was the loud silver wear
It was so god ****** loud
But they continued
It was SO god ****** loud
It began to fill my eardrums
I sat there long enough to taste the recycled air of the many people
The air was stale
I felt heavy
My face began to sag in defeat
The sound of silver wear filled me
I could no longer hide the nothingness from my eyes
I was no more than the loud silver wear
I looked down, I felt sick