In the eyes of the earthly
I am still just a bud
I am barely seventeen

But my soul has lived
And through living,
It has died on numerous occasions.

I have scars
That still often
Somehow bleed.

The wrinkles and grey hair
On my heart
Are beyond my years.

Still I cannot figure out
Why a lump fills my throat
On my birthday.

Standing here at the pier,
I take in my surroundings,
trying to keep my heart steady and my mind clear.

A crowd envelopes me as we all wait for that one person.
Men are holding flowers,
Women holding children,
Children holding signs.

Standing here at the pier,
I hold nothing but my heart in my hands,
Waiting until we may embrace again.

My mouth waters while my stomach twists into knots.
The air tastes of candy scented perfume.
Trying to get rid of the taste,
I take a swig of cold, refreshing water that also helps ease my stomach

Standing here at the pier,
My stomach ties in knots,
Waiting to see your face again.

Figures start to head my way.
I gasp.
Frantically, my eyes search the crowd,
Searching for just a glimpse of you.

Standing here at the pier,
My heart will not steady,
My mind hectic with just wanting to see you.

The crowd starts to disappear,
They've found they're family
They're heading home
With their family, and I'm

Standing here at the pier,
Longing to find you,
Wishing to find you soon.

A tall figure starts heading in my direction.
I squint to see
Is that you?
My lungs fill with air and I run.

My vision blurs, but its okay.
I know where I'm going.
I'm running.
Running home to my family.

Our bodies collide in a warm embrace,
I'm lifted up off the ground and swung around,
"I've missed you so much, Dad."
I tell him through sobs.

"I've missed you too baby girl.
Lets go home."
Linking our pinkies together, we walk

Together again.
We're headed home.

There are some things that
I’ll never understand
like why I engraved “F A D E”
into my upper left forearm
and trace over the uneven markings
a little too fondly sometimes.
I didn’t mean for it to be funny,
and I didn’t mean for it
to actually mean something
But it did.
Because scars don’t always fade,
and I wanted the ones left on my heart to
and I wanted the ones left on my arms to
remind me —
that life will hurt you
but life will heal you
and when it does —
Let it.
Let it.
Let it.

I still remember every detail.
The pit of fear in my stomach.
The grip you had on my wrists and arms.
The smell of Jaegar and tobacco pouring out of your disgusting mouth along with the slur of

"It's going to be fine, sweetheart"

My skin crawling as you forced me out of my clothes.
The acid tears burning my face as you took what wasn't yours to take.
The value of my already worthless body gone.
Forever.

And in the place of something once pure,
You left these haunting memories from which I cannot escape.