I get so angry I can’t handle it and then the sadness swells and swells I try to avoid it I try to distract myself with work and this and that and art  and then I feel it coming towards me
That feeling of wanting to go away
That feeling of wanting to disappear
To dissolve existence
It consumes me and I can’t sleep
I just sit with the feeling consuming me
Knowing I can’t give in to it I better not
to much relys on me to let go
But I don’t want to go on anymore
I try to push it away and it consumes me more
I try to drown it with anything that feels better but it doesn’t last
In the end it’s just me and the feeling sitting together forever

I went today
I have not been going  
so many reasons
So many things
How hard it feels how much it hurts
How much I miss where I was
How Starting over is more challenging than it was to begin in the first place
How much I miss the way it used to feel vs how much pain I’m in now
I know I know I must keep going to make it hurt less but I’m afraid and avoiding the pain of hurting witch makes me hurt more in other ways
I feel as if I’ll never be winning again this is my season of loosing
I have lost where I was and I don’t know how to find my way back with out going
I went today
It hurt

❤️‍🩹
The hard days
When I don’t see them coming
When I’m already navigating thing after thing
Hit me like a ton or bricks
When objects I really cared for are destroyed
When it seams as if you don’t care if it hurts
When the communication is refused
And your in this mood
I feel the most alone too
Like what am I to do
I feel like I don’t matter
I’m just trying to accomplish all the things
And I just want a safe space to come home to
And it’s not a thing
What even is comfort or peace
It’s not for me